Guide on what NOT to say to people going through infertility..

[Vixxfacee]

I thought we can have a space to share all of the stupid, outrageous and plain hurtful things that family, friends, colleagues and even strangers have said to us.

I will start.

Before starting ivf, friend says 'you really need to consider and get your head around adoption, they will match you with a child who looks like you'.

Same friend on a different occasion 'you should really go for counselling, I think the drama with your family is causing you not to conceive, your body is preventing it'.

Same friend when I told her I was spotting "you need to get the hospital to check you properly, you can't seem to hold pregnancies'. (I had a miscarriage 4 years ago and haven't been pregnant until now).

In the 2 ww after first round of ivf, telling another friend I was nervous she said 'have you guys ever considered adoption?'

Spotting at 5 weeks after having a fet and telling newly duffed friend I was going to the hospital, Friend says 'Oh can they just put another embryo back in?'

Same friend after I ignored the above comment "you need to have more sex, that's what I did and I've been pregnant twice'.

They are the more hurtful ones but I've also heard on many occasions:

Just relax
You need to try ovulation kits
Blah blah fucking blah

Anyone else care to share?

I m sorry Lunde it s just so insenstive and incredibly stupid when people say things like that.

After my 10 wkmiscarriage i had:

'Well there was probably something wrong with it so its probably for the best' - my mum

'I m ringing because i ve just noticed you haven t been for your antenatal checks' - by a midwife at the time when i should have been 36wks but wasn t because i d miscarried despite the epu diagnosing my mc someone had failed to update my notes.

And stupid remarks when i struggled for 2 yrs for my DS and have now struggled (unsucessfully) for another 3yrs trying for another:

'When are you going to have another/are nt you going to give him a sibling etc etc' - 5 different people at my sisters wedding 2 wks after i d miscarried my second baby.

'You don t want to do it everyday it can reduce the man s sperm count' - my mum (in front of my dad) FFS !

'It ll probably happen when you finally give up' - bollocks, that s not how my son eventually happened and giving up is not going to stop my immune system sabotaging any pregnancy and make my eggs 20 years younger so F* off.

I m sorry you ve all had to endure similar riduculous comments. Infertility is hideous, especially because of the length of time many people have to live with it for. I m very lucky to have my son and treasue every precious moment with him but i will never forget the heartache and pain of infertility.
Its fucking unfair that anyone has to go through it to try and have what so many people get without a second thought.

My favourite was "whatever you do, don't let the fertility treatment take over your life!". Oh yes it's so easy to have a normal life when you're taking a bag of drugs every day and you have a standing appointment everyday at 8.30 to give yourself multiple jabs, while suffering some godawful side effects!
I've also been nudged by relatives advising me that I don't need to be a career womam and to get on with it.
And also everybody presumes that the "fault" is with the woman (and what a nasty concept- it doesnt matter who it is!)

I've known since I was 17 I have pcos and would have trouble conceiving. Going through all tests it was found my partner had a low sperm count. His mum was shocked when she found out and didn't say much. When he had the second test a while later and it came back that actually his sperm count was fine, his mum actually said to my face "I knew it wouldn't be my son".

I am getting pissed off reading all of these comments . I hope someone is reading this who will actually learn something.

Jesus vixface how hurtful of your MIL.

Maybe this thread should be posted on the conception boards with the people moaning about have awful it was that it took 3mns to conceive.... sorry feeling particularly bitter today !

Hula I agreed but I don't know if they would even digest. I remember a few months ago someone posted in the mind numbing boredom of fertility thread saying something about she knows how we feel, this ttc lark is so hard, she has 2 daughters and is desperate for a son and it's taken ages to conceive this third child (youngest child was about 8 months). She got her arse handed to her on a plate!

Ughh this people who conceive easily have no clue vixxfacee. Doesn't stop them having an opinion though I find!

Vix your MIL wins this thread. How spiteful!

Vix is your MIL related to mine, perchance?

We discovered we'd need IVF icsi. We were told by Consultant to speak to our parents about their reproductive history. MIL was furious. How DARE they imply it was anything to do with HER FAMILY??? Furious. I explained about icsi - a special form of IVF due to low sperm. They said ordinary IVF wouldn't work - it had to be icsi due to the sperm issue.
No, rubbish, it was me. Pah. I explained again. She said she didn't want to talk about it.
As I said upthread, we were very very lucky and we have ds. At his Christening, I may have got a bit emotional and thanked our lovely consultant. MIL was bootfaced and walked out to 'powder her nose'. And made sure everyone knew why. It seems that IVF is a dirty secret? Well, it is the miracle that let her son have his own child and her have her precious 'blood grandson'.
The 'stalemate' we're still in, all these years later is that, H's aunt and uncle 'couldn't have children, but SHE never made HIM feel guilty'.
I've never made H 'feel guilty' either. How could you criticise someone for their health issues? Who would be so spiteful - ah - MIL, I guess.

Vix you have all my sympathy.x

After 7.5yrs TTC, I thought I was pretty hardened to it by now but some of these comments are just hideous. I’m so sorry to anyone who has had to endure it – seriously, what is wrong with these people? I definitely find myself avoiding certain family and friends because of this and I actually lost one friendship over it – her infertility comment was so gob-smackingly horrendous that I won’t even type it here because it could really hurt someone else.

Interesting about ZW and experts also saying stupid things as I suspect her clinic featured (again in a WTF kind of way) in a book I’ve just read which was bang-on about this whole thing (it was The Ten Year Club, about a decade of infertility). I couldn’t believe what was said to her! We also had a GP tell us that it didn’t matter if sperm swam or not, it was just how many there were.

Anyone who has to deal with this shit, esp in your own families, has my total sympathy. I hope threads like this might make even just one person think twice about what they say in future. Well, I live in hope ...

Late to the show here but Daft speaking as someone who lost a baby in childbirth, I am sorry to report that people say exactly the same stupid hurtful shit to bereaved mothers as they say to women struggling to conceive.

My favourite was, when I was heartbroken about the loss of my daughter & it was becoming clear that I would not be able to have another child: 'having a family doesn't necessarily you happy, you know. Lots of people don't even like their children!'

Took my breath away. Yes, good thing my daughter died, we'd probably have hated each other.

YY to Miss Marple tendencies - my fucking hypnobirthing instructor went so far as to suggest I had caused my daughter's death because 'you've always been a slim person, but I noticed you got quite chunkie (sic) by the end.' I was 9 months pregnant ffs.

Really sorry for everyone who's had such dreadful things said to them by friends and family. It's shit enough without feeling like a shameful outcast on top of it all.

Oh, BipBippadotta

I am so very sorry you lost your daughter.

there are no words adequate enough

vixx your MIL is unbelievable!!! Although in a way I am not surprised by it...a lot of MILs have this "my son is perfect" thing going on, mine certainly does. And your sister too, turning up with baby clothes, I can't believe it.

I've had the usual about being positive, doing acupuncture/going on a diet (from my counsellor- just told her what I thought about that idea). Most hurtful was "it's your own fault, you stress about it too much". Also had lots of comments from MIL who didn't know we were TTC like "you need to think about babies kiwi, you're too focused on your career" (right so it's automatically my fault whether or not we have children!)

Also "but you might have twins!" (To console me about IVF- NO).

My heart is aching at all the horrific comments you ladies have to endure, on top of the horrific things you have had to endure in this whole bastard process of infertility

I personally feel very lucky that I've had to endure relatively little in the way of utterly fuckwit comments such as those I've heard today. Ironically mine came from health professionals!!

As I mentioned on another thread, there's a session with a fertility counsellor included with each cycle so thought I might as well try it out, given I'm currently in pre FET 'omfg what if I kill another healthy baby' panic mode

I suspect it was more that I wasn't really in the ideal state of mind to be receptive to what she was saying in the bigger context. But after having sobbed my eyes out about how even my amazing consultant isn't really sure why my uterus has gone on strike, she threw in the comment 'well it's true, you might not be able to carry, and surrogacy is always an option'

Don't you think I know that?! Don't you think that's my greatest fear?!

Thank fuck I wasn't paying for that session

MIL clutched both hands to her chest dramatically and said, 'Oh Wooty, I wish I could give you one of my eggs' (she's 70).

I mean apart from the obvious ewww ...her egg...with her sons sperm?? It was also when we were unexplained and totally gave me the rage that she automatically blamed me. Sperm issue was later found in fact (on top of my old eggs unfortunately. Not quite 70 year old eggs though ..)

She meant well but grrrrr.

Stop trying and it will happen
Do it when you're drunk that's how I got pregnant
Just relax and it will happen

Hah Wooty that's a good one. I also had a friend in her 50s say she wished she could give me her eggs. At least she's not a blood relative of my DH though!!

I'm back with more, from this weekend actually

DM pushed me to say if/when I'm having children (she doesn't know about fertility issues and assumes I don't want them because I like my job). When Dsis tactfully commented "that's rude, some people don't want them and some people can't have them, you shouldn't ask" she launched into a speech about how selfish that would make me because my DH clearly would be a good dad and women are made to have babies

Friend (previously mentioned - has been through this herself for almost 5 years before having her dd a month ago). Finally got to meet her Dd, only for her to launch into "IsIt you need to have a baby, being a mum is so amazing, why don't you want them, it's so fantastic being a mum blah blah blah." I fucking know, it's what I want, and even though I haven told her the problems we're having, she used to get so upset every time anyone mentioned it to her that I can't believe she did it to me. Made me cry when I left.

And lastly, lovely lovely friend who is 8 months pregnant, and knows all about my issues casually commented "oh I want wine. Why don't you open a bottle. I'll have a small glass and just sit here jealous while you enjoy it."
I know she didn't mean it, and it must have played on her mind because she apologised the next day, but at that moment, I wanted to be a bitch just point out that while she's doing that I'll just sit and be jealous of her lovely pregnant bump.

It's so hard, and I often wonder if I would get less comments if I was more open with out struggles (I've barely told anyone) but from reading this thread, I don't think that would help much to be honest

All of this is awful. Can I talk about something that happened recently?I was talking with a friend who I've had since I was in primary school on the phone. I decided to share our infertility issues and how we'd had some treatment that didn't work. (It was partially to explain why I has dropped off the planet recently) I got a bit teary as it was such a tough experience and then she said that we should talk about something less upsetting and she hasn't been in touch to see how I am since. I feel really let down by her. She got pregnant with both her children on the first month of trying so has no clue. But still..

Sounds like your friend called to talk about herself, and then your news prevented that. Maybe she is pregnant with her third (would be about right) hey!

If a friend cant be there for you, then it is a friend you an do without.

Or maybe I'm wrong and she just didn't know how to console you.

So sorry everyone has to hear these ridiculous things.
My gp told me I probably needed to relax, I told her I'd been on honeymoon during the time we had been ttc so couldn't really get more relaxed.
The pregnant lady at work was on maternity with her first when I started ttc now she's about to leave for her second tells me her and her husband are meant to be because she got pregnant within 2-3 months both times. I guess me and my husband aren't meant to be then?!

I feel like I have got off lightly when I hear some of these... Some of these are so disgusting!!!!
Sorry to those of you who have lost your babies too...
Mrs Stick, does your colleague know what you have been through? What a stupid thing to say!!!

One of the worse culprits for telling me to relax, turns out she even mentioned to a mutual friend that she had told ellesbellesxxx to relax , as well as telling me blithely that I could have her eggs when she is done (er, thanks?) is now ttc number 2 and its been a few months. Have I ever told her to relax? No I have not! You just don't do it!!!

Ellesbelles She knows we've been trying for a while but doesn't know we need Ivf. What is it with the relaxing thing?! You don't tell people with other medical conditions to relax so why do people think it's a magic cure for infertility.

I love this thread! And recognise it all!

Just relax, get drunk, Why don't you adopt, my friend got pregnant just when they decided to give up.... Etc

Also had "at least you know you can get pregnant" after a miscarriage, but the worst was my MIL after I finished said miscarriage, MIL said "well at least it's closer now" WTF? Oh the baby, the hypothetical that we might never actually be able to have but that she thinks is inevitable baby is "closer". Fuck off.

to everyone listening to this shit every day

I am having a bad week so have a couple.

Me: Our chances per IVF cycle are only around 30%.

Her: But that's the same as a normal cycle!

Said in cheerful tones ie. 'So that's ok then!'

Me: I'm worried IVF meds will make me crazy.

Her: Well pregnancy makes you crazy, you know.

I'm not going to talk to her about it any more.

A few well meaning people in my life seem to think the prospect of ivf is 'exciting'

People are just SO ignorant and going through infertility is just SO HARD (albeit mine is second time round and I know how unbelievably lucky I am. But being reminded that constantly by people who have churned out 6 kids in 5 years grates on me a little... I also don't feel particularly 'lucky' that what should have been some of the best years of my life have been lived with a big black cloud hanging overhead). I feel like if this is ever over I want to shout from the rooftops about it. I want to tell everyone how horrendous it is. That I have aged 10 years in 3. That I don't think I'll ever be quite the same again. But then I don't know if I would. Because unless you go through it, I don't think you GET it. I don't know how we show people, I don't know how we make them see. But I wish we could.