BESH - relocated to less offensive surroundings

[cooperG]

Hi hags, here's our new thread. Did we decide to post the BESH-tionnaire or not? I'll have to go and dig it out if so..

Newbies - we think we're much like the ladies in the 'mind-numbing boredom of infertility' thread ladies, but we can't admit defeat, oh no. After the new recruits kind of dried up over in conception, we've moved over here where there are no insta-differs to send us into fits of rage/tears.

(BESH stands for Bitter Evil Selfish Hags - named so by the Daily Mail I think...) come and be bitter about the shit-ness that is infertility with us...

Hi all, sorry for being absent, I've had a very busy week with my best friends wedding.

I had my start of cycle bloods and internal scan on Friday and they only bloody found another cyst - 3cm this time! So they've decided to postpone starting Cycle 2 as my bloods were a bit out. They want to rescan me this Friday and if the cyst is gone I should be able to start, if not I don't know what they'll say.

We're also waiting for Mr Cave's latest sperm analysis to come back. They were a bit concerned that he had a high round cell count at the last one so gave him some antibiotics to see if that helped. Apparently opinion is split on round cells, some Drs aren't bothered and others think they need looking at.

friends for ages the only other person who knew we were having treatment was my best friend, but I did tell my parents when I had to have a general anaesthetic for a tube inspection. However I told them very matter of factly that I wouldn't be giving them any details of how treatment was going and that they'd just be told when and if it worked.

This time round I'm telling all and sundry! I find its the easiest way to deal with the "ohh you'd better get cracking to give DD a sibling" bollocks from random people.

Thanks Place - all the best with Clomid too! I think it makes sense to try it, you may get lucky and skip all the IVF ball ache!

I have told people about our fertility issues and mcs because a) I told everyone, like a total lemon, the first time I got pg and the mc-d. I needed the support and there is no shame in it but it makes it kind of obvious that you are trying so they may as well know what is going on (and you get the support, yay!) and b) because I had quite a lot of crap going on at the same time (my mum passing away being the worst of it) to even consider pretending I was fine when I was actually going crazy inside my head.

That said, when it's been over four years and people are having their second in the period of time I have been TTC #1, I sometimes wish I could pretend "babies? what babies??".

But it is a super personal choice and if it is going to stress you out, fuck it! You don't owe anyone any explanations.

Cave, sorry you have to wait until Friday to find out more. When telling me about how IVF would work, the doctor warned me that if the blood results were not "optimal" on CD1-CD2, they would rather wait than starting on a cycle where I "conditions" may not be as good. I have had cysts coming and going very mysteriously, hope yours are gone by Friday...

Hi all, sorry for being absent. Have destroyed my computer with a glass of water. I blame the cat. Plan on maybe getting a tablet to replace. I generally just watch youtube and use the net. Watch movies etc. Anyone have any recommendation?

Erica That is massive headfuckery in the extreme...to keep getting pregnant but having those hopes dashed. You know I lost my mum about 8 years ago now. Then my dad 2 years later. Then my last grandparent 2 years ago and then my little brother last month. All I want is to build my own family now and it seems cruel that I can't have that either. Sorry for poor me...just meant to say that I know how much of a shock it can be to lose your mum and how much it changes your life.

Friends Yeah the day 21 bloods are tricky like that. I did a couple of them and one I did on day 21 and the other 7 days after ovulation. It made no difference to me as they were both very low progesterone. It might make a difference to you though?? How have I found the whole ivf process? Frustrating and heartbreaking...sorry, lol. I suppose if I ever get a bfp then I'll probably rave about how great it is...but at the moment I feel like it's just not going to happen, even though we've only had one fresh round just expect things to go wrong atm...really should start trying to be positive, lol!

Cavemum so sorry you have to delay...seems like all we do is wait around and get delayed! I hope your cyst is gone by Friday. I seem to get cysts a lot too. They tend to go with my period. So fill me in - what's a round cell count - what does it all mean? And fuck those people who make comments about siblings...don't they realise how none of it is their business? People just have no idea sometimes.

Oh also meant to say that my implications appointment has been booked - 19 July. So everything going to plan - I should start in my July cycle (about 23rd) and will be able to join the proper menkul then - hurray!

Hi hags, welcome friends and place, sorry you find yourselves here but seriously, you won't find anyone this bitter anywhere else.
Glad you've got a start date erica, and that you had a lovely baby-free weekend

(My stats - 31, ttc #1 for fucking ages - approx 3 years, no sniff of a bfp. Have had clomid, nothing except a fuck load of acne. Think there's slight male factor issues. Have had initial ivf appointment but chickened out and have postponed. Considering going for the immunology testing)

I know I've been awol a lot recently and I'm sorry I can't do proper updates with everyone, I'm just not spending a lot of time on mumsnet recently on account of the menkul.

Was 10 days late last week, stupidly allowed myself to imagine it, even did the due date calculator which I haven't done in literally over 18 months. Bastard arrived same day as my monthly meeting for a society I'm in at which was baby bombed twice. One wasn't trying, one got married last September. My head is fucked, I don't know how much longer I can keep doing this. I hate everyone and everything and I can't see a way out of it, because clearly getting pregnant, which is the solution I need ain't happening. Cunt.

Oh ffs, just realised I wrote that post out having only read to page 2, and there's actually a page 3.

place I'm so sorry for your losses, makes me feel a really self-involved bastard when I hear things like that, I know I could have it much worse

Place I luffs my iPad and wouldn't be without it, though they are pricey. I hear good things about the Tesco Hudl and they're very good value.

Round cells in sperm are a puzzle. Apparently the diagnostic techniques they use at the moment aren't good enough to tell the difference between white blood cells and deformed sperm, so they are all termed "round cells". If they are white blood cells they can be an indicator that an infection is present, but if they are actually tail-less spermz then it means a male-factor fertility issue. Our clinic like to give a course of anti-biotics to see if it brings the numbers down, but you then have to wait 8 weeks before you can repeat the tests 😤

Thankfully we've got his results back today and the round cell count has fallen to "within acceptable levels" so it's pretty certain he had an infection of some kind.

Just hoping my cyst has gone by Friday now. I haven't felt it pop yet so hopefully it might just deflate.

Place I am so sorry for your losses. They do change your life and (in my case), make you even more desperate than you would normally be about starting a family.

Coop, it is good to see you here, hag. Totally understand having to stay occasionally for sanity sake. Do not be so hard on yourself.

Cave I am crossing everything for you for Friday!!

I am at the point of measuring how much I bleed during my period (I use a menstrual cup), to see if it is normal or maybe it is too little, my linen is too thin? I am a lost case to the bonkers side.

Sorry everyone - I didn't mean to be all poor me - I just wanted to say that I know how hard it is and how much you invest in creating your own family now and how devastating that this has to be hard too. Anyway life is hard.

CooperG - Not at all - I feel the same. I hate people who are getting pregnant because I am a massive jealous unreasonable bitch. 10 days late! That would have done anyone's head in in a major way - ridiculous headfuck!

Thanks for the recommendations Cavemum - going shopping tomorrow.

Erica - lol. I did that too. I don't even remember what it meant or how much there should have been. I think we do anything to feel like we're doing something! Hilarious though..."what did you do on the weekend?"..."Ummm

So where is everyone re cycling? I can't remember and am too lazy to read back. I'm still waiting to even get started. Amh on Monday. Nervous as fuck as can just see it coming back as ridiculously diminished and being told it's all over, no ivf for us (drama queen enough?)

So I've my scan: cyst is smaller but still there so they're postponing me for another week. I've got to go back next Thursday for yet another scan, plus they think my lining is a bit on the thick side which has never been an issue in the past.

Sorry just barging in and apropos nothing - blue are you there? Do you know how barking is getting on, I often think of her.

Hi Icy,
I'm quietly lurking here now, it's nice to see the BESH active again.

Had another scan today, 15+2 and all is fine I lurk on another thread barking is on and I believe all is good with her too.

Still have everything crossed for all my Hags and am here in the background watching out for you all this is our time Hags

Got babybombed three times at a wedding last night. I just feel so hopeless and like it is never going to be our turn. So down about it all today. Also, hangover, of course... O foresee a Sunday of looking into adoption...

Hi all, can I join? Definitely bitter and selfish over here! Am 33, ttc #1 for 3.5 years with no sniff of a BFP. We have MFI and have had ivf cycle #1 which failed earlier this year.

Just started cycle #2 and am already pissed off by it. Don't believe it will work at all, especially as our consultant told us we have a 15-20% chance of ivf/icsi working. Joy.

Cavemum what is this now about thick lining? Is this now something else we need to worry about? Sorry you're being postponed, it's frustrating shit. I hope ultimately it's just a longer cycle but doesn't get postponed. Thanks for your recommendations earlier. Am currently typing on my new iPad mini. I loves it!! Anyone got any games that they love/addicted to? Please share so I too can waste my life planting and harvesting virtual corn to make virtual corn bread to sell to my virtual neighbours. I love those kind of things.

Erica Fuck those baby bombing fucks. Weddings are the worst too esp at our breeding age. They're everywhere. I'm feeling a little fragile myself and as I wandered into the FC for the first time today, was assaulted by 3 walls of floor to ceiling infant imagery. I just wasn't prepared. Nearly burst into tears on the spot.

Welcome Mehmeh we're mfi too. Why did they give you those stats? You're only 33!? You should have at least a 30% chance per cycle. Feel free to voice pissed offness here. I'm finding it a good outlet for my bitterness!

So as I said went to my FC for the first time today to get my AMH retested before we start treatment. It's been a couple of years since I stepped foot in one of those places. Ugh. The cheeriness of the staff. The awkwardness of the waiting patients. The walls plastered with advertising - imagery of cute babies, pregnant bumps...happy endings (no not those kinds of happy endings you dirty bitches!). I feel so negative about this even working, I feel like a fraud even being there. And of course in the cab ride home the obligatory questioning from the driver..."are you married? Do you have kids?" zzzzzzzz

Thanks thisistheplace I'm feeling the same as you - so negative about it working. I'm already wishing for it to be over. Meh.

Odds are low because of Mr Meh's sperm, he had testicular cancer and they treated some of it with radiotherapy which fucked the rest of his sperm it seems. So the low percentage of success is due to the sperm rather than me. According to the consultant, there's nothing we can do to change this and no diet/changes to alcohol/taking more vitamins will change this.

Yeah the thick lining is a new ishoo - apparently I didn't bleed enough

WTF Cave? I have been worrying about thin lining and eating linseed like a fucking rabbit for ages and now I have to worry about THICK linen.

Meh So sorry you have had to go through much, you are nails, woman.

I am meant to start IVF in around 3 weeks and feeling pretty hopeless too, and then I feel guilty for feeling hopeless....

How are you today Place?

Amazing news Blue! And so encouraging for the rest of us!

Just delurking to say - I am starting my first ever IVF in about 3 weeks too, Erica, and I could have written what you did - feeling hopeless and then feeling guilty for feeling hopeless. I feel extra guilty because I haven't had any losses so shouldn't be complaining. But I am 39 with v bad endometriosis so not getting hopes up/skipping merrily on the way to clinic/feeling in any way 'excited' about iVF.

Anyway, sorry for the me me me - just wanted to say I can identify!

Rebecca Thanks! Let me know how you get on... I feel a bit "unprapared", in that I am trying not to drive myself crazy(er) so I could probably be better informed

Have you been trying for very long?

I am totally unprepared! Took vitamins for a few months but I'm sceptical about what exactly that does. We've been trying seriously for about 18 months I suppose, but haven't used contraception since September 2013. 2014 was spent mainly having and recovering from major surgery from endometriosis ... I think that's part of the problem for me; I don't want to go back into hospital!

We are also unexplained. Like you I am hoping for 'answers' from IVF - don't dare to hope for an actual baby but if they can throw one in too, that'd be great.

I feel you Rebecca, I had to have surgery multiple times in 2013 so 2014 was spent mainly recovering from that and crying and 2015 preparing for IvF. Time flies when you are having fun, hey?

I am taking the vits, eating linseed and trying to be healthy within reason ... However the more I read about IVF and all the things that can go wrong, I get even more panicky and doomy, which does not help...

Hi Rebecca - I'll be starting in about 4/5 weeks I think so there'll be a few us not getting our hopes up together. I've just gone a spent enough for a house deposit at Holland and Barrett. Protein powders, coq10, multi vit etc. I'd rather buy some nice clothes...but at least I can say I gave it a go...surely it can't hurt, but now Cavemum has to,d us not to over grow the lining, I have no idea.

I am, however currently treating myself to a fancy Italian lunch. All by myself and I'm loving it!