BESH - relocated to less offensive surroundings

[cooperG]

Hi hags, here's our new thread. Did we decide to post the BESH-tionnaire or not? I'll have to go and dig it out if so..

Newbies - we think we're much like the ladies in the 'mind-numbing boredom of infertility' thread ladies, but we can't admit defeat, oh no. After the new recruits kind of dried up over in conception, we've moved over here where there are no insta-differs to send us into fits of rage/tears.

(BESH stands for Bitter Evil Selfish Hags - named so by the Daily Mail I think...) come and be bitter about the shit-ness that is infertility with us...

Can I join you?

I have older kids from a previous relationship. DP has none. Been ttc for nearly 2 years. 2 miscarriages in that time - last one almost a year ago. Have high fsh, low amh and been referred for DE IVF but turned down for funding. Currently have no money so no chance of IVF privately in the near future.

Keeping fingers crossed for a natural conception and then no miscarriage. On so many supplements I rattle. Charting. Acupuncture. Massage. Had a break from all this since January as it was getting on too of DP. Now back on it all.

Currently on day 17 and no sign of ov. Just want to cry

Hi Thisistheplace, sorry you found yourself here but it is a good place to rant and get good advice in between the swearing sessions.

Cave I am sorry to hear that, it fucking sucks, how are you feeling? I know, stupid question...

Hey Deathstare,

Sorry you found yourself here. Mc-s are the pits, I have had 3-4 (depends on whether you count a cp). I don´t have any kids, we are trying IVF with PGD next month and I am feeling quite panicky about the fact that, even if I get a BFP, it is going to be another huge fucking challenge to go through the first nine four months or so.

Can I ask you about acupuncture? I have mild thrombophilia and blood thinners did not manage to stop me from mc-ing last time (January, mc-d at 10 weeks) and I just do not know what to do differently if I get a BFP again...

I've had my cry, and bought chocolate. I know how lucky I am to have DD so am trying to be philosophical - it's not working!

I've already called the clinic and booked in to start cycle 2 on Friday.

Oh Cave, you would be really weird if you could go all zen about this crap, specially on the first day of the droid showing her ugly face.

You better all know that there is no chance I will be philosophical about anything if it all goes tits up again for me.

I did not realise you could do two cycles in a row, Cave... best of luck for next one.

Thanks Erica. Because it is low dose drugs we can do cycles back to back, plus there is no egg retrieval to recover from. I'm entitled to 3 cycles, after that I think our only option is IVF which we would have to pay for.

Hi Deathstare, welcome to BESH.

Thisis, will they also test you for the CF gene to see if you are a carrier or is that not relevant for you?

Cave - you don't have to be philosophical here, that's what BESH is for!

Erica is the clinic doing extras for you like Barkings did? I can remember what she had but prednisone was one wasn't it?

How are you today, Cave?

Blue, I had all the rmc tests done and only slight deficiency of Protein S came back, so they put me on Heparin (for all the good it did! )

However, if it does not hurt, I will take anything else we can throw at it: prednisolone, baby aspirin, anythung... May try acupuncture too but I think you are meant to start three months beforehand so maybe it's a waste of money. Then again, better get started for future treatments, not confident it will work straight away, of course.

Thanks for the welcome all...no one wants to be in a club like this, but thank god (Allah, Buddha, etc...) for it. Who else can you say "fucking fertile fucks! They can all go fuck themselves!" to? Sorry, I did warn about the bitter. I'm not usually this bad, but recently opened up to a cousin about infertility and having a miscarriage during a relative's funeral (poetic, no?) and then a week later he live txts his fiance's labour, giving me updates about how dilated her cervix was. And now of course the flooding of Facefuck with a billion newborn pics and everyone commenting "Oh the perfect family"...so I will try to settle down.

EricaJ - 2 months till ivf huh? That seems about the same as me, maybe we'll be cycling at the same time. Do you know what protocol yet or will that be your initial appointment? Was also wondering what thinners did they have you on? I tend to have a raised platelet count - associated with arthritis. I was hoping they would do more than just aspirin. I want the lot. Inject me full of clexane and anything else that has a slightly remote chance of helping! The acupuncture thing, I think it's good to start ahead, but I don't think it's mandatory, certainly not a waste if you just have a couple of sessions around your transfer. They're trying to increase your blood flow and that's the time to do it. I did it for the cycle I had a brief bfp. Anyway, it can't hurt. We've got to throw what we can at it in my opinion.

Cavemum - sorry things didn't work out with your OI - is absolute shit. but awesome you can jump straight into another round. I always feel better doing something, having an appointment booked or something.

Blue - Hi. The first thing they did after husband's diagnosis is test me for the common CF genes too. Thankfully I'm not a carrier. It would have meant PGD I suppose, which is fine, it's just one reprieve we've been given in a shit show - shit show? - show of shit? Congratulations on the diffedness, I can't imagine how surreal it must be.

Hi Deathstare and Icy and anyone else I missed.

Oh Thisis - you sound like the perfect BESH, you'll fit in just perfectly here - we are definitely the people to be bitter and say fuck off to the fertiles

Place Live-texting anyone's labour is the pits! Next we will be uploading the birth on Instagram!

I call it MASSIVE CUNTING SHITSHOW myself.

We are starting IVF with pgd in July (basically because they don't know why I keep mc-ing AFTER it takes me around a year to get pg) but I think the protocol is going to be quite simple (relatively speaking) - Gonal to make me produce as many eggs as possible, retrieve eggs, mate them with the swimmers and see what happens, hope that there is something to put back on and then have the two weeks of hell followed by 4 months of more hell if it does work but let's not go there . I got diffed last December the month before I was meant to start IVF and I made it to 10 weeks with heparin so they are hoping that starting heparin from CD1 may help, plus I take aspirin every day...

Erm... did I say simple??

Thanks Blue - what a relief to be able to speak my mind!

Erica Right!? Esp after I had just said we're having trouble....It IS a massive cunting shitshow arse fest - wanna throw myself off a bridge if I have to see anymore beaming grandparents or toddlers gingerly holding newborns; or for that matter threads entitled ttc#5....fuck me! How can you be "trying" to conceive #5? Just get on with it and shut the fuck up! (too much?)...

Sorry if you've already said this Erica or anyone else for that matter, but have you had any immune testing done (nk cells, cytokines etc)? I've only had the one early mc - but worried it's due to the fact I have psoriatic arthritis - an autoimmune disease - something which they attribute to mc. I've been doing a ton of reading on the whole reproductive immunology field. They reckon a lot of "unexplained infertility" and rmc is down to autoimmune issues. The cycle I had the bfp is the only one I was taking prednisone...which adds to my suspicions. I'm now on Enbrel (similar to Humira) and will be asking for prednisone again, so hoping that it does something helpful. I'm so sorry for your losses. It's totally unbelievably unfair. Hopefully I'm cycling in the next couple of months with you...just waiting on that NHS appointment letter...C'MON!!!!!!!

Place TTC #5... exactly! My heart fucking bleeds, love

I got immune testing done and all came back normal... which I guess it is good but very frustrating to have this happening and no one really knowing why. That said, my doctors seems ok with me taking prednisone anyway.

Hope we can cycle together...and be mental together!!

I am out again this month, by the way. You know what is really fucking annoying? For my period to be early and for the spotting to start juuuuust within it would be time for implantation, just so I can drive myself properly crazy, wondering if maybe, maybe, it's implantation bleeding... I know it isn't but still. I guess at least that means guilt free this week end!

Doctors keep telling me that spotting for a couple of days before the periods properly start is normal but I have my doubts!

Oh Erica I really hope it is implantation and you can just give the FC the big middle finger. It would be impossible not to think "maybe..." It's totally human...esp as there is a possibility. In fact even in our situation where it is physically impossible, I still torture myself if my period is a couple of days late...idiot! Btw I have spotting for at least one day before it starts with full force. I'm hoping it's normal, I don't think I could cope with any other ridiculous issue with my bits or with husband's bits...
Anyhoo, I truly hope this is a legendary pre-IVF diffed tale. If it isn't (not fair, someone's got to have a pre-ivf diff) then I will happily be mental with you throughout the insane hormone fuelled process. Esp on the steroids. I tell husband it's my 'Roid Rage and there's nothing I can do about it, lol

Hi to everyone else - I hope I haven't scared people off with my bitterness. I'm not always like that...just gets hard sometimes. I hope cycles and pregnancies are going well.

Hi all, hope you don't mind another. Both me and OH are 30 and have been trying for 2 1/2 years with no sniff of a pregnancy. We have now been diagnosed with male factor infertility because of low morphology. (This was a bit of a surprise as they have been saying it wasn't down to him for over a year.) We have been refered for iui/ivf and they have also given me 3 month supply of unscanned Clomid while I'm waiting. ( scary)
I'm a bitter, emotional,wreck who hates the world right now, especially if any one dares to get pregnant. I really would like to get my life back on track to when I was a nice person, I could go on facebook and watch obem.

Hi Friends welcome to BESH (we were male factor too - I wait years for a fellow male factor then several come along at once )

Place (that's a must better name than my attempt at Thisis, Erica was always the more intelligent of us two!) I promise you there is no such thing are too bitter for the BESH - anyone you could scare off wouldn't be here anyway, it's our job to hate everyone and say cunt a lot

Place Yup, massive headfuck. The spotting has now stopped but I have that period-ey feeling so not getting my hopes up... that said! Could the fucking droid just arrive and do its thing

We can definitely be mental and ragey together

Hi Friends, welcome to BESH. Sorry you found yourself here but given the shitty circumstances, it's a good place to be, specially during the "I hate the world" phases of TTC.

We always thought Mr Erica's sperm was generally ok, a couple of tests (we have had so many done over the years) were a bit mmmhhh but mostly normal. But now it turns out the sample he gave for IVF also showed low morphology (I think 1% and normal is from 4%-5%). I am trying not to get too hang up on that, my doctor is assuring us that they can just choose the good uns for IVF but it is making me wonder if that was part of the problem all along....

He is going to give another sample before the transfer to see if it is better, we will see.

I have taken Clomid and did not have massive side effects, bit nauseous and tummy ache before ov but nothing major. Really hope it works for you.

Hags, it's FRIDAY!!

Hi Friends sorry you're here and everything feels fucked. We're mfi too. I can relate. I don't really do Facefuck either...why can't people post photos of getting really shitty news or getting fired or something human instead of happy happy smiley perfect? I would but just don't need patronising fucks telling me, well anything really, ha! Anyway, unmonitored clomid- yowsers! What's the theory with that considering it's a mfi issue? Are you having issues too?

Erica Sperm samples change so much over time, but if Mr Erica's sperm quality becomes a problem, then ICSI is the solution. It's what we are doing.

Thanks for the reassurance Blue although you may just encourage a monster, lol!

My appointment letter should arrive today (but with my luck will be delayed a week or something) so am spending the morning waiting for the mailman by the door like a puppy dog. Drooling a bit too

Happy Friday to all BESH!

Sorry, Place, but I am giggling (well, cackling, we are not hags for nothing) at you staring pointedly out of the window, watching for the postman!

Yup, we are doing ICSI, PDG and the whole shebang! I am even some acupuncture for the before and after the transfer...

Hi Erica, my DH had 0.8 % followed by 2%. Count was always average or just below but at least 60% was going forward so they always said it should be enough. In fact what they did was do a little grin and said it only takes one. Tossers! After these results he started taking vitamin and eating a lot better but I suppose we won't see until we get to the IVF stage. Will this be your first attempt at IVF ?Did you try iui first.?

Hi, Thisistheplace. I really couldn't be doing with it anymore, I know im bitter but seriously I don't want to know it happend first time with no fucking charts and all the other shit you give a whirl to in the desperate hope you get that miracle.
No they can't find anything so far with me , I've had a hsg, ultrasound and my day 21 progesterone level last month was 60 so they know I definitely ovulated. To be honest I did want to try it but I thought it would be definitely scanned seeing though i ovulate. I've just got to go doctors for day 21 bloods while I'm taking it.
Blue, Thanks for the welcome it certainly feels good to have some people to chat to who knows how it feels. Especially when they get their good news! it certainly gives you hope. 😊

Friends tossers indeed! Why do people who should know better say stupid shit like that? Well good news that you're operating properly! Still unsure as to why they have you on clomid though. I'm probably being dense sorry. So have you started it yet? Where are you at in your cycle? I really hope it works for you and you can avoid the crazy that is ivf.

Erica Gah! of course you're doing icsi - sorry my brain really is mush today. No need to worry then. Seriously, I think with sperms from the ejaculate, they have a good gander at them under the microscope and can choose the good looking ones and even slice the tails off before injecting, so you needn't worry about motility issues (if there are any). Anyway I'm sure I don't need to teach you how to suck eggs. We are always well informed us ivfers...I know we never want any bad news, but I reckon you'll overcome any sperm issues with the icsi no worries.

So huzzah! The postman came (while I wasn't looking somehow). My initial appointment is 27 June!! Which is 2 days before the droid is due. However I'm required to have a pelvic ultrasound on CD2-6...so basically it looks like I'll have to wait until the following month to actually start. That will be about 24/25 July..anyways am feeling very excited! It's been 2 years since our last cycle and we've been waiting on the NHS list ever since. It now feels like all of a sudden everything is happening and I seriously cannot wait!

Friends I can't believe it. "It only takes one!". Idiots. You go there for help and advice, not cheap stupid jokes. I really don't understand why people with such lack of empathy go for those jobs, I really don't. After an mc and two super traumatic D&Cs, I went back to see the gyno/IVF consultant, who said "and in the last three months since the last D&C, you haven't managed to get pregnant??". Well, sorry, madam, I did try very hard, sorry I find myself here paying lots of money just so you can make me feel crap about myself. Cunts. Never went back, obviously.

This is my first attempt at IVF, IUI did not help at all. Ironically, I never got a BFP with clomid, femara or IUI, it has always been "natural" but it has never worked out so hoping to get some answers (and a baby! I want a baby!) with IVF+ICSI+PGD -very paranoid that it is my eggs and Mr Erica's sperm just not jelling enough to make viable embryos.

Place Not at all, you cannot imagine how much I have learnt thanks to the BESH. I am relieved that any spermy issues can be treated with IVF, it is just we have been "unexplained" for over 4 years and I am just wondering if just shagging was never going to be enough for us.

I will start around the 10th of July so we will be IVF buddies! I am also excited, we have been considering IVF for over two years but both times I got pg just before....and then lost them. I feel that I should have gone down this road ages ago but the mc-s kept delaying it. So a bit of a headfuck really.

How is everyone's week end going? I went for a long walk and then brunch with friends who are not remotely thinking or talking about babies for different reasons...we just planned week end stuff and trips and talked about the weddings we are going to this summer. It was great.

Thisistheplace, Your not being dense at all, I'm not 100% sure to be honest, on my last appointment I saw a new consultant who was amazing, she said to me I'm sure you know as much as I do about the options, so hit me with what you have been thinking and we will go through it all. I was offered what ever I wanted to do so I went with Clomid while I was waiting for the referral to come through for IVF. I think my reason for this was i actually feel ovulation and I feel like it comes from the same side most of the time. I was hoping that Clomid would kick start the other side because they are both open. I bet that reasoning might be dense 😊 . I've not started yet, on cycle day 25 so just waiting for AF to show up.
How have you found the whole IVF process? You say you have been waiting for two years is that just for IVF to start? I'm glad you finally getting going again and hope you get your BFP this time .

Erica, I'm so sorry for your loss, I can't imagine how it must feel to go through something for so long, finally get what you think is an happy ending for it to be taken away. You must be made of strong stuff , I think I would of actually just poked her in the eyes! insenitive mare!
I keep having to go for day 21 bloods, every time I go I get a sex education lesson from the nurse. I wouldn't mind but last month I ovulated late,went in for blood late and was told I had to go in on cycle day 21 not today. I was just like sorry I thought you wanted to take blood a week after ovulation, rather then the one size fits all day ..Good luck with your IVF, my fingers are well and truely crossed for you.

How as everyone gone on about telling people. I really don't want anybody to know, I just feel that I will lose all control and I don't want to discuss this with people who simply just can't get it. However my OH feels differently bout it. He told his mate the other day , clearly because he felt he needed to, probably for his own sanity. .

Just gone back over previous post, Thistheplace gosh you've been through the mill and OH too , I'm not surprised your a little bitter I certainly would be more than just bitter if I had to endure what you have . I hope you don't mind me saying but your strength is admiring. Good luck for starting on the 24th/25th .