The mind numbing boredom of infertility III

[icy121]

Are you Barren & Bored? You've come to the right place!

We do: swearing, empathy, bitterness, tears, sardonic laughter, glittery shit and mocking idiots who know nothing jon snow.

We don't do: baby dust, relentless positivity, "u ok hun", "I had a friend who..", pithy advice or sentimentality generally.

Previous threads 1 and 2.

Now that you've got all that down, welcome to the barren ghetto.

Just spoke to nurse there. She said AMH was "low". Just have to see whats happening on friday.

I do have period cramping this afternoon which I have not had before so dunno if that means anything.

I think I need to prepare myself for this not working by the looks of it. I dont think I am even going to get to egg collection.

Hmmm. You're on a reasonably high dose of gonal f. I'm not familiar with protocol for low AMHers so am not going to opine on things I know nothing about, but I know there is a good low amh forum on fertility friends - might be worth popping over there and asking the question? Either way I'd definitely be asking your consultant what happens next. When's your next scan?

And don't stress! You've still got a ways to go. This process is the pits but do look after yourself. GS your way x

Yes, I am on a wonderful thread for low AMH cycle buddies on FF -

(I joined when I had undetectable AMH of 1.5 - 8 months later my AMH is now abnormally high at 62.2, but they have graciously encouraged me to stick around, even though I'm not technically a low AMH-er!)

It depends on how low 'low' is re: AMH - long protocol tends not to be used for women with diminished ovarian reserve, to avoid ending up over suppressed (ie sleepy ovaries don't wake up properly after being put to sleep while down regging)

It doesn't sound like your AMH can have been that low, for them to put you on a long protocol and a pretty standard middling starting dose of stims - if they were concerned about your ovarian reserve, I'd have assumed they'd have started you on a higher dose of Gonal-F or put you on a short protocol

Better to stim too slowly than too quickly - too quickly def isn't good for quality. So hopefully they're just biding their time x

Thank you. I have looked back my own notes and I have amh 5.1 written down from start of stimming. It's not moved much she said. That could be wrong cause I write all kinds of crap.

Friday next scan so will try to not panic till then.

How are you both today?

It's all such a mindfuck isn't fourpaws?! I find it hard not to worry about every stage. Hang in there. Slow isn't necessarily bad - those going in for collection now might have one or two leading follicles racing ahead, and need to make sure they don't lose them.

Sorry you got baby bombed by your sister angelica. Same thing happened to me with my baby bro whilst I was in the middle of IVF. It hurts.

meh and chocolate, I hope the stabbing is going ok?

sammy hope your 2ww passes quickly. Good luck!

wizzi congrats and hope you're feeling better!

Hi to everyone else, I am just catching up post holiday. It was amazing, much wine was consumed and lots of icecream! Back to reality, sigh. Shitty infertility reality. Another month to wait then it's all systems go on my FET so at least that's coming around.

I am feeling suspicious about a couple of friends...expecting a baby bomb in the very near future....

Welcome back tiger. Holiday sounds fab, wine and ice cream...delish!

fourpaws fingers crossed for the lining, if it's not one thing it's something else. I had a massive cyst when I started cycling but it sorted itself out and sounds like you are on a good high dosage...hang in there.

sammy hope you are surviving the dreaded 2ww

stealth and zenzie are you on the pregnant with fertility issues thread?? Might give it a shot as I fear 8 months of paranoia ahead!!

Still housebound with OHSS, it has improved massively and not much pain anymore. I now look 7 months pregnant as opposed to 9 months and have lost almost 4 kilos in fluid. Next scan on Thurs so fingers crossed I get the all clear and fingers firmly crossed for a baby heartbeat perhaps if it's not too early ❤️❤️

Good luck fourpaws as the others said? Hang in there.

Hope you're keeping sane sammy during the 2ww!

I'm glad the OHSS is improving wizzi fingers are firmly crossed for you!

Welcome back tigerdog stabbing is OK, am covered in teeny tiny bruises and am feeling bloated/uncomfortable! The joy. Being scanned tomorrow to see how I'm getting on. Then another scan on Friday. They want to see me earlier as the gonal f dose has been doubled this time compared to my first cycle.

Hey tiger, glad you had a good holiday, sounds lovely. Where were you? I can't remember if you said, on phone so can't go back very easily. I'm imagining Italy.....ice cream and wine?

Wizzi so glad your starting to feel better. Good luck for Thursday, fingers crossed for you.

Meh, i hope scan goes well tomorrow. I'm scanning Friday as well so hopefully we both get some results. What is your dosage?

How's everyone else doing? Seems quiet this week. Maybe it's just me and time is just passing sooooooo slowly. Part of me feels if I ever do get pregnant I will have been pregnant forever. Such a long long process.

Meh - I'm not sure about sane. But I'm surviving! Just been trying to keep busy!

Will read back this evening, but hope everyone is ok?

fourpaws hope you're doing OK- so stressful isn't it. Hang in there, hope the scan goes well.

Good luck wizzi for scan!

Meh hope the scans go well

Sammy good luck!

I'm at the airport, on my way back from holiday. Had the best time, perfect weather, amazing food. Got droid towards the end, so first cycle of IUI was not successful. Felt pretty shit but tried not to let it ruin the holiday, and embraced the fact that I could now drink! Think I'm having a cycle off, and have an appointment for follicle count scan on Friday, and then will do another IUI next cycle. So just more waiting for me now.

Hope everyone's week is going well, glitter shit all round.

hey fourpaws I'm on 300 on gonal f, doubled from last time...I can definitely tell! good luck for Friday

aww sammy keeping busy is a good plan!

Scan went well this morning, uncomfortable but there are about 16 follicles, a couple of big ones but nothing to worry about, the others are still coming up. lining is nice and thick so all good. Will be scanned on Friday and think EC could be Tuesday/Wednesday next week.

It's wrong to say I am looking forward to EC for a day off from work, it's mental!

kiwi that sounds like a good plan! glad to hear you had a fab holiday!

Has anyone heard from potatoes recently?

Thanks kiwi, glad you had a good holiday. sorry about af but at least you managed to enjoy it.

meh thats the same dose as me and I don't feel anything at all. I have my scan Friday as well. Fingers crossed for you.

I have not heard from potatoes or sara recently. Hope all ok.

I was in Croatia four. It is such a beautiful place. Post holiday blues are settling in a bit though. Wishing you lots of luck for your scan on Friday. I found long protocol hideously long and slow too. Hang in there! I've got to downreg for my FET too, which drags it all out a bit more. Thought it was going to be a case of sticking them back without too much going on, but instead its a scratch then DR so pushes it all back a bit.

Good luck for your scan tomorrow wizzi!

When is OTD sammy?

kiwi glad the holiday was lovely but so sorry the IUI didn't work. Good on you for not letting the shitness spoil your fun...chin up, tits out, as they say! Hope the post holiday blues stay away. I've been a grump this week, being back at work sucks. My job is fine, great in many ways, but I just can't find any interest in it. I want to give it all up and rescue Galgos in Spain (plan B for my barren life!)

Glad to hear it is all going well meh! Work must be crazy if you're looking forward to EC!

Naff all to report here. Have an op on Monday (not infertility related) which I am dreading and hugely nervous about. My birthday is coming up and I'll be 36. I cannot find any joy in this prospect at all, plus I'll still no doubt look and feel like shit after my op so won't be able to do anything to commiserate my aging. Bloody hell, I'm
a miserable old bag today!

Hi ladies I've been waiting to start my first cycle on 25th only to get an email today to say my lining looks thicker than normal and now they need to do a 3d scan. Have had loads of tests, hysteroscopy etc and was told all was normal now panicking that will be another huge hold up. Looked up thicker lining and loads of cancer sites appeared. Had scan on 27th June why would they take this long to tell me something's wrong?
Feeling sick now just wondered has anyone else had this prob?
Oh tigerdog sorry you feeling so shitty it is all so depressing hope your op goes well.
Hi Fourpaws yep I still here waiting, lurking, fretting! You're right about feeling like this has gone on forever and I haven't even started yet! Hope your scan goes well.

Thank you for asking after me everyone, tiger OTD is Tuesday the 19th.

However I caved and tested this morning as just felt a bit off yesterday. There is a second line on my test. I'm only 10dp3dt so trying to keep my feet on the ground, but it's more than I've ever seen before!

Sammy!

Hi fourpaws and everyone else

I'm here lurking, but not in a good place.

My brother told me he was engaged and my first thought was "bet you have babies before we do". I'm officially an awful person.

I can barely even type this but I even started to feel depressed about the number of people on the thread getting pregnant. Don't get me wrong, I don't begrudge anyone that and lord knows you've all paid your dues. I just feel so selfishly depressed that I'm going nowhere. It's nearly my birthday, and nearly the anniversary of the disaster ivf cycle and I'm no further forward. Stuck in a rut feeling this is never going to happen for me.

So yeah I'm here, but not feeling i have much to contribute.

To all you ladies who've had good news recently, I wish you the best I really do. I just can't help but make everything about me. I've ummed and ahhed about posting this as I don't want to rain on anyone's parade. But this is about the only place I'm ever completely honest. So there you go. Right now, I'm not a very nice person.

Potatoes, you may not need to feel jealous of me for much longer. I'm getting pink spotting when wiping now. I'm terrified that I might have got excited too early. I have so far to fall now.

I'm sorry you're feeling so down, I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better. Just know, we all understand, we really do. X

potatoes don't feel you have to lurk because you feel bad for feeling jealous! I'm sure we are all slightly guilty of that. I definitely am, I feel jealous of every baby or bump I see. I stare intently at friends and colleagues checking to see if they have the slightest of bumps showing and wind myself up until my heads pounding.
The cleaner at work is obviously upduffed as I can hear her throwing up in the mornings in the toilet across from my office and all I can think is HA.SHAME.BITCH!

I'm sorry you are still no further forward but we are all hear to listen to your rants. So big hugs to you right now xx

Awww sammy I'm thinking of you. Hand hold here if you need it. I completely understand how you are feeling but try and not worry just now. Early days and it could be nothing sinister.

Potato. Gah, I don't really know where to start. I came here after starting a thread called something like "am I allowed to swear in a thread title". I was pointed in the direction of you lovely lot and have been here moaning at you all ever since.

I may have got this wrongbut I hope I speak for most of us when I say rant away. To me, this is somewhere to come for support, guidance, a million stupid questions, reassurance and kindness, BUT also to shout, swear, be bitter, angry, jealous and at times horrible. I said to my SIL the other night, to leave me alone because I'm really not a very nice person right now. She didn't and took my shouting but I feel bad for it.

As far as I am concerned this is our (and anyone else who wants to join) escapey place and you shouldn't feel you can't say what you think and feel.

I sometimes worry people are eye rolling at me behind their screen for being the most pathetic baron person to ever live. Totally clueless and you name it, it goes wrong. I keep coming back though. Maybes cause nobody's told me to fuck off yet.

This is shit, totally shit. But I am here, and so are all the other glitter shit troopers.

Now, I am currently trying to save my mums birthday cake which has slid over because it's to wRm and I'm shit at cakes. Why am I even making it I hear you ask. Because my lovely siblings are all far to busy with their kids. Fanfuckingtastic.

Potatoes hang in there. You are a lovely person. I'm here in the land of no luck as well, feeling fucking terrible and jealous and like the barrenest most dessicated old hag on earth. Having valiantly decided to stop TTC, I began to feel sad and panicky when I realised it was my last month to get pregnant in order to have a baby before I'm 40, and that it was coming up on the 2nd anniversary of my daughter's stillbirth. So I fled to Athens to do a cycle of injectables & trigger with Serum. Of course, that hasn't worked. Nothing works. I cried until I was nearly sick last night, for hours, missing my daughter, missing the other pregnancies I've lost, feeling completely desolate that this will never happen for us and I don't know how we're going to make it through the rest of our lives as broken as we are, with this awful sadness clinging to everything we do.

I am a much less nice person than you are, as I've been a bit shitty with people on other threads recently for no real reason except that I'm full of poison & rage (and instadiffers WILL keep insisting that 'just relaxing' is the best way to get pregnant). I have caught myself giving dirty looks to pregnant people in the street. And I pointedly refuse to look at a woman I sometimes work with who insists on smugly wearing her 'baby on board' badge at the office (i.e. not just on her coat / in the Tube, but all fucking day) and she's only 9 weeks gone. And if there's a baby on the train I change carriages (after giving its mother a really shitty look). None of this is nice. Much of it is probably psychotic. I'm hoping a lot of it is the effect of all the hormones this month, and will wear off, and that I'll go back to just being despondent rather than murderously aggressive. But shitting hell, it's not a nice feeling at all.

Sammy pink spotting at 10dpt could be implantation spotting. I have had it in each of my pregnancies. Spotting's also really common with progesterone pessaries. GOOD LUCK and tentative congrats. And congrats to the rest of the pregnant peeps on here. My dirty looks are only reserved for instadiffers.

Sammy fingers crossed- hang in there. Thinking of you.

Fourpaws - your comment about the cake made me laugh! Trust me I'm not rolling my eyes at you! Keep up the sense of humour.

Potatoes so sorry to hear how you're feeling. Perfectly understandable and please do feel free to be honest. We all get it and have felt or do feel the same. And you're absolutely a lovely person, just going through something unbelievably shit.

Bip so sorry to hear that. I have nothing useful to say, just wanted to say I'm thinking of you.

Just had scan. No change. Cycle cancelled and they won't do another. No point. Amh to low and they said they can't do anything about that. So upset I feel numb.

bip I wish had the words to offer comfort. Your post has made me feel sad to the core, and I cannot even begin to imagine how much your heart must hurt. You sound like such a lovely person that I can only think that the qualities that make you such, will somehow help you carry on.

potatoes this is a space to share all feelings whatever they are. I'm sorry you feel so down at the moment. It is hard to see others get pregnant and move on, even when they totally deserve their happy ending and we couldn't be happier for them. I found that having a next steps plan helped me to move past the failure of each round, but I'm a planning sort of person. In fact I'm feeling pretty bereft now that my wedding and honeymoon have happened. Need a focus or a project to keep me from going insane. Any ideas anyone??!

Sammy fingers tightly crossed for you.

Good luck with scans today meh and four (think I've got that right). Hope you managed to rescue the cake four! I bake a lot but I'm an impatient sod, so I'm always fighting my inner self that wants to ice before the cake cools!

Oh paws I am so so sorry to hear that. You must feel crushed. If you don't mind me asking - are you cycling privately or NHS? Be kind to yourself - such a difficult time