Infertility meltdown

[HappyAmbler]

Hello ladies

I'm a long time lurker and very occasional poster.

This is really just a rant as I'm feeling so utterly shit this evening - hence the title (was crying when I started writing this ). My DH is asleep upstairs as he has to work tomorrow.

This is my third cycle of clomid and AF has just arrived. We have been ttc #1 for 19 months although in that time I've had 22 cycles.

I'm just feeling totally lost as I was only prescribed three months of clomid, and my next appointment at the NHS fertility clinic isn't until mid Feb - so I'm basically going to have two wasted cycles in between.

We still don't really know what the problem is. DH and I are both 31, his SA was normal, my blood tests and ultrasound were normal, my cycles are pretty regular and I'm fairly certain I ovulate every month (temp rise). The only possible factor is my post ovulation (day 21) progesterone levels are 'borderline'. i.e. they indicate ovulation has occurred but not high enough to sustain pregnancy.

I really thought the clomid would 'fix' this seemingly minor problem. And it has in the sense that my post ovulation progesterone levels have been higher, and my luteal phase has been longer, but I'm still not bloody well up the duff

Apparently the next step is HSG - feeling stupid for not insisting this was done before I started the clomid, but I was so convinced the clomid would work...

I guess I'm just starting to panic now. If we don't know what the problem is, how the hell can it be fixed??

Thanks very much if you've got this far. I'm not sure why I'm posting, just needed to get this off my chest I guess. I don't know anyone in RL who's going through this, so it's just helpful to know there are others out there.

Hi ladies,

Just wondered if i could join in?

Me and DH are both 34 and have been ttc for 5 years. No children to date. NHS has been an utter joke and we've had almost no support.

We got private help after pre NHS IVF dildo cam suggested a polyp. Paid £3k for the op only to find there wasn't one there. Then consultant suggested we try Letrozole and progesterone while back on the nhs waiting list.

We did that and got pregnant straight away but mc'd at 10 weeks. Then tried again got pregnant straight away but mc'd again.

Our NHS IVF funding has gone now (unless we wait three years and don't conceive in the meantime). Just having some blood tests to see if our unexplained ovarian disfunction and mcs can be explained.

Feel utterly desperate to start a family and a new future but know it's unlikely. Very hard times :(

X

Hi Catlover,

Of course you can join! Sorry to hear your story and that the NHS have been less than helpful; to be fair, I've found 90% of the people I've dealt with to be really good, it just seems to be the luck of the draw unfortunately. Have you tried putting in a complaint to your local Trust or dealing with their PALS service, if they have one?

I'm booked in for my HSG on Tuesday, not looking forward to it at all :-( this may not sound logical, but it makes me feel so angry with my OH that I'm the one going through all this because he has destroyed his sperm count. Sometimes I'm so annoyed that I can't even talk to him about it; does that make any sense?!

Shellster and Dulcet, hello to you both too, hope all is well and I'll post again when I have a proper computer to do it from... I'm painfully slow on the Kindle!!

Ruby, you echo my words about what crap we go through when it's our husbands with the issue and they are doing bugger all about it. I don't have the same love for my husband now and am hoping it will all be okay again once this is over... if it ever is.

Catlover, I didn't think I could hear many stories worse than my own but I think you are up there! We have been TTC 3 years and I have had 6 IVF failures in the meantime. I am in Australia so don't understand and can't offer advice re your NHS system. I don't get that you were being funded, but now have to wait 3 years to get funding again???? What a joke, especially when age is against us.

When you say 'unexplained ovarian disfunction', have you had some sort of ovarian issue diagnosis? I assume the Letrozole was to help you ovulate, so it certainly does seem logical that you are having issues ovulating naturally if you are getting pregnant straight away when taking Letrozole. Which is all of no use if you then went on to miscarry twice!? I can't imagine the elation after 5 years TTC and then the absolute devasatation.

Just had the HSG, bit tearful now... Is it too late to decide I'd rather be a man?! I think that one of my ovaries wasn't clear - they couldn't decide whether the dye was spilling back over from the other one, which seemed ok. I know that it's not such a big deal if one ovary is blocked/ not working properly as things can still be done, but whether they'd bother with a lap & dye when they know my OH has a low sperm count anyway I don't know.

So fed up of bloody waiting all the time too - it's two weeks till I get these results and then another six weeks till my follow up appointment!!

Sorry, rant over for today, need to calm down and breathe...

You are more than welcome to rant away anytime Ruby. I was seeing two clinics at one stage and one offered a HSG while I was booked in for a laparoscopy a month later at the second one. I had one blocked tube at the HSG despite them trying to force more dye through it. I then went for the lap without telling them I had a HSG at another clinic showing one blocked tube. After the lap, they said that both tubes are all clear. Perhaps they could be a bit rougher while I was under general anaestetic and managed to clear it. Don't know if that gives you any hope that a lap could fix things - if they bother as you say! I know how frustrating the wait is. Doesn't help with our stress levels on the whole matter. I just hope they expidate you to IVF at your next appointment as it seems to be the best option to overcome your husbands issue - and then the tubes don't come into play anyway. I just feel for you and want this whole thing over for both of us!

Thanks Shellster - not that I want you to have gone through the same crap, but it's reassuring to know it's not just me!!

I'm still a bit sore after the HSG, wonder if they tried to force the dye through like they did for you?

Today I rang a few private clinics to see if they have open evenings - am booked on one for July 2nd and on the waiting list for another. One clinic about half an hour's drive from us has a good reputation and will do all the tests for £650 - that's two visits to do everything - all the tests it's taken the NHS bloody months to do! I wish I'd gone for that option originally, but I had no idea it would take this long to get not very far...

I also went into three (large) bookshops to look at books on IVF and none of them had anything - seriously, not a thing!! That's why sites like this are good, at least they make you realise that you're not alone. I'm thinking about buying the Zita West 'Assisted Conception' book as that has good reviews - it has to be worth the investment for some peace of mind?!

Haven't read Zita Wests' book but I have read so many research articles. The best advice I could give on what you can do now is too eat high protein, low carb diet.

One study shows if you eat greater than 25% protein daily, pregnancy rate is 66%, versus 31.9%. If you go one step further and also reduce carbs to less than 40%, pregnancy rates shoot up to 80%! Heres the study:

www.medscape.com/viewarticle/803821

I was vegetarian and even though I ate very healthy, I ate very little protein. My embryo quality was dismal my first try and disintegrated before it made it back to my uterus. I then read this study and tried to find vegetarian souces of protein and embryo quality was a little better the next time and I made it to transfer but still BFN. Getting sick of failure, I then went all out and now eat chicken or fish daily, entering my food intake into a website to make sure carbs are < 40% and protein is > 25%. My last IVF cycle that wasn't cancelled where I had my eggs collected, my embryo quality was top notch. I still got BFN but I really had cramping right when implantation should be occuring and I think the fault lied in an orgasm I went out of my way to have thinking it would be good for blood flow, but then felt all weird in uterus afterwards. Won't do that next time. But so close. So I have seen first hand how the high protein low carb diet really does help just as the study suggest. Sorry for the long post. I just really wish someone had shown this to me before my first failed IVF and wasted $$$$ so I hope it helps others to not suffer the same pain and repeated IVF failures I have.

Thank you so much Shellster, that's really helpful. Like you I'm vegetarian, not sure if I could cope with chicken after so many years of not eating it, but I could definitely try more tofu! Which website do you use, is it something like My Fitness Pal? I'm thinking of investing in a Fit it as an incentive to move my arse more...

The Zita West book is helpful so far, i'd like to visit the clinic but the next open evening is booked up, boo. Some of the stuff she's written has struck a chord with me, such as saying how unhelpful it is telling women who are TTC to 'relax and it will happen' - well, it didn't bloody happen when I was relaxed about it so that clearly didn't work!!

And now the cat has gone missing too, we've only had her a few weeks but OH thought he knew better than the rehoming people who told us to keep her in for six weeks - he let her out into the garden, she promptly escaped under the fence and now we have no idea where she is. I drove round sobbing earlier, stupid I know as it's not like she's been gone for long, but after having had a couple of cats go missing I just wanted to keep this one for a while longer - particularly as OH got her as my baby substitute :-(

CD11 now and I'm not feeling especially positive. I will have ny fingers crossed for you instead!

The cat has returned!!!

Shellster, how do you manage a low carb/ high protein diet whilst being vegetarian? I've been reading up on it but obviously it's so much easier if you eat meat - I went to a BBQ yesterday and there was literally nothing I could eat, no vege option, no fish. There was tomato but I didn't think that would make much of a meal! I'm trying to follow the Harcombe diet which is the same principles, but I don't think it's low carb enough :-(

The BBQ was for OH's Aunty's 75th birthday and the whole extended family was there - loads of kids - think OH was a bit sad, as was I. I will have to work on the low carbing and getting him to take his vitamins!

My hubby hates his vitamins. Frustrates me since I go through so much crap - HSG, laparoscopy, IVF injections and scans, the scratch - and he complains about swallowing tablets! As for the vegetarianism, I tried to eat high protein vegie diet and did have some improved embryo quality in Sep 13 IVF. But when it failed, I started shoving fish down my throat after 22 years of vegetarianism. Desperate times call for desperate measures. The next IVF cycle - Dec 13 - I had top quality embryo and it nearly took so it is helping me to soldier on. I now eat a tin of tuna a day and lots of eggs. But as soon as that embryo is inside me after IVF next cycle, I am off the stuff again.

Will have to look up the Harcombe diet. Haven't heard of it. Yeah, I reckon the more low carb/high protein you can go, the better - but still by eating healthy fresh fruit and veg of course. When I read that it gives you 80% IVF success and after a year of failed IVF's, it made me go all out.

Going on holidays in a few days and will be back in time to start IVF. Hopefully a holiday will help take my mind off things so that will be the reason if I don't post. But no doubt there will be babies everywhere on my holiday to remind me and I will be here chatting even while on holidays!

Thank you Shellster! The IVF statistics are useful too :-) I've booked a place on a private clinic open evening next week, not because I think we will go private (or not yet anyway) but to get an idea of what happens. It's free so why not?! Haven't told OH yet, don't know if he will want to come with me as he has bugger all idea what IVF involves, and probably doesn't care as it won't be him having the rough time...

I've ordered a book about vegetarian low carb diets, will see if that's any help. Really struggling to find anything about what to expect/ do during IVF - will probably end up just Googling again!

Oh and before I forget, have a fab time on your holidays!!

Glad the cat returned! You'll have to let me know if you get any tips from the low carb vego diet book. Soy obviously has lots of protein but then soy is so controversial and I didn't know if that would affect my hormones and IVF outcome. So now I buy tins of tuna but then I avoid eating it because I have been vego for so long and can't stand it.

Yeah, no harm to go have a look at a private clinic. As you say, it's free so why not. I think sometimes it helps just to feel like you are doing something pro-active. And that NHS sounds painfully slow.

Just found out my brother in law and his partner are expecting another child - they got pregnant with their first and now their second in the same time that I have been struggling to conceive one child. Normally a pregnancy hurts but this one REALLY irritates because they they don't work and expect us taxpayers to pay to raise their offspring for them. I just can't stand them in particular and wish I didn't hear this news now while I am trying to enjoy a holiday and start IVF in 1 1/2 weeks time. I ate crap and drank wine yesterday after getting that news. But then I get more depressed because that's destroying my next IVF which is so close. I have been awake since 4am and I think they are the reason so I thought a vent here might help.

Sorry to hear your brother's news spoiled your holiday Shellster - I can imagine it's really galling for you, particularly as they have no intention of supporting the kids themselves! I hope you have calmed down now and are relaxing before your next round of IVF :-)

I went to the clinic open evening tonight, had to go on my own (OH was working) and had a nightmare journey, but other than that it was useful. If nothing else it was nice to see that other people have the same issues, although I was the only one on my own :-( I think/ hope we won't need to go private, but you never know.

Vegetarian low carb book has arrived today so I will let you know what I think!!

Yes, that's disappointing isn't it Rubes - when you realise you are the only one on your own. Having been through 6 IVF's, I have been to a few seminars where I notice many couples and wish I had a supportive husband instead of one whom I have to keep quiet about IVF too. But if your hubby was working, I guess that's an acceptable reason then! Like you say, hopefully you won't need to fork out the money for private. I've lost track of where you are at now on the NHS system (perhaps because it's so slow!) What is the next step now/when is your next appointment?

Will be interested to hear any tips you find useful from the book. Is it just vego low carb, or does it have an emphasis on high protein as well? Today is day 20. I start tablets today as part of my IVF protocol. I must be feeling nervous because of this as I have been up since 4.30 and can't sleep!

Hello all,

I have read through this thread and well I guess I am having my own little infertility meltdown!

A bit of background: came off the pill in April 2011, had blood tests and DH SA after a year, all came back normal. Kept trying and Feb 2013 got a bfp. Had a stillbirth last year at 6 months. Have been trying since and nothing.
Consultant that dealt with our loss asked us to go back to him after trying for 6 months as we told him it took us nearly 2 years to conceive the first time, repeated bloods - all normal. Had a lap and dye to find that I have one blocked tube, DH has had repeat SA and his normal forms are very low! So after being utterly happy last year expecting to have my own family we are back to rock bottom. Have a consultants appointment in August where we will likely be referred to ivf. Consultant is unsure as to how long my tube has been blocked. Not sure why DH sperm has changed from being normal to not so great either!

Just feels like it's been one thing after a another. First losing my first baby at 6 months to be told we are probably not going to conceive naturally. Had 9 friends/family pregnant around the same time/after me, only one more left to give birth. It is unbelievable really. I am just trying to get my head round the whole ivf business and praying that a miracle happens.

I'm sorry about your loss dulcet I read your post on the miscarriage board. I have frequented it under a different name. Waves to everybody else too I'm glad I have finally plucked up the courage to join this board, I can't even bear to be on the conception board sometimes. It's crazy that I was on there not so long ago so naive. INFERTILITY is such a harsh word too, even getting used to that is taking me back.

Sorry if I've waffled

Shellster - I hope your appointment goes well today! The vegetarian low carb diet is more about reducing carbs, but in order to do that you have to eat more protein, which is what we're aiming for... I am not a great cook so need some basic ideas/ recipes!

Nice to meet you Rogue although obviously we wish it was under better circumstances!! As I understand it, your OH would be as well doing another SA if his results were so different, to try to work out which is representative; my OH just has his repeated in the hope that it won't be a low count but they all have been! If the issue is with the SA then your blocked tube won't make much difference, as you can get PG with only one anyway. But yes, we completely feel for you, it's very hard to stay positive and cheery when everyone else seems to get upduffed in no time :-(

I would recommend the Zita West book about IVF - we have our next appointment with the consultant on the 17th and I think we will be out forward for it, but I had no idea what to expect! Also maybe do a bit of research into private clinics in your area, to see if they have free open evenings/ resources which could help you. I went to another last night and again OH didn't bother coming with me, which I wasn't very impressed by.

I hadn't heard about Dulcet but I'm so sorry to hear the news, how sad. I hope she gets another BFP very soon.

I hadn't heard about Dulcet either. She hasn't returned here since she last left happily pregnant so I assumed all was well. Hope that doesn't mean she has a long wait to get help again on your NHS.

Rogue, I can't imagine dealing with that tragic loss. I wan't to say I'm sorry to hear that but it sounds so lame for what you've been through. Did you have any medical diagnosis as to why that happened?

My husband too had 98% abnormal forms in April 2012 which then went to 100% and hasn't budged since. I remember when I first had a diagnosis, I HATED the infertilityy word. But that was nearly two years ago and now I fully embrace it and feel strong for fighting it. I am currently taking tablets in prep for my 7th IVF! I know there's nothing I can say to help your situation, so all I can do is share my own. You are more than welcome to waffle away here as I know how much it helps. Especially if no one in real life is going through what you are, there is no way they can understand.

I hope Dulcet won't have to wait too long either, and that whoever she sees is sensitive and sympathetic. Don't get me wrong, most people in the NHS are, but some of them are rude, unhelpful and quite frankly so arrogant that it's a wonder they got a job anywhere.

And Rogue, I hope you find some help on here that perhaps you haven't found in RL? That's why most of us turn to it I think. There is lots of support on here and people who understand what you're going through.

Well done Shellster fighting the infertility diagnosis ?? I don't know about you, but I find it harder because (theoretically!) there's nothing wrong with me, it's my OH? Especially as everybody assumes that I can't/ won't have kids with him because they know he wants them and therefore, it must be my fault. Grrrrrr! S

Thank you for the very warm welcomes.

Had another meltdown yesterday. Found out another cousin is pregnant with their first. I immediately started to look at private ivf, and egg sharing due to costs! I know I need to calm the feck down but it is just not fair is it? DH isn't too sure about the whole private ivf thing, he would like us to wait and see how we get on with the nhs, we should qualify for 2 rounds but we haven't even been referred yet!! By the time we get referred and seen it'll be January, then treatment will be even longer. Just don't know if I will be able to wait till then.

Hi Rogue :-)

First of all, big hugs - I (and many others on here) completely understand - it's shit isn't it to feel like this? Utterly, utterly shit and unfair, particularly when you've been trying for so long and it seems like other people get PG in no time.

I nearly had a meltdown today too, found some baby scan photos on the printer at work; don't know whose they are (I work in a large office) but they're not mine :-( I had cracking period pain at the same time, just to top it off!

If you haven't read them already, I'd recommend the Marisa Peer 'Trying to get pregnant' book about positive visualisation - bit vague sometimes for my liking, but useful - and the Zita West 'Assisted Conception' book in case you do have to go down the IVF road. I'd been looking for clear info & instructions on IVF for ages, and the Zita West book is about a holistic approach as well, which is nice.

As far as I know you have to use your NHS tries at IVF before going private, or you lose that option - could you pay for more and/ or more thorough tests privately though, on case they suggest anything else? I don't think there's anything to stop you doing that, and it might at least help you feel like you're doing something positive rather than waiting for the (painfully slow) NHS!

Whatever you decide, just thought I'd let you know that you're not alone, you can vent on here if not in RL!!

PS Shellster - I have lost 3lb in a week doing the vegetarian low carb diet!! Really pleased with that, it's given me some motivation to keep going. Now I have 'only' a stone to lose!

Hi ladies
I know all about meltdowns! I lost my first IVF baby in February at 21 weeks. I was utterly heartbroken.

Last week I had an embryo transfer and will find out on Friday if we are pregnant again. Going insane!

I have a blog about everything which you may want to check out: wwww.wakeupsurvivesleep.com

Wishing you all good luck, positive thoughts and happy endings xx

Firstly, well done Rubes on the 3 pounds. What an effort! I have been trying to be healthy too despite being on holidays as my period is due any day and then egg collection will be 2 weeks later. Frustrating that I am the one trying so hard while my husband has the sperm diagnosis and yet he continues eating crap! Grr.

I don't know how your NHS system works Ruge as I am in Aust. Doesn't seem fair if like Ruby says, you lose your funded goes if you start private. Wish they would fix your system. So not fair when others can get pregnant first cycle and you have to wait a year or two on the NHS when age is against you and most couples want more than one.

I just replied to you on the other thread, but hello again DRS I wish I was at your stage instead of still waiting to start IVF, but these last few days must be taking forever for you. How did your IVF go - do you have any frosties as a back up?

Hello ladies can I please please join you here?!

shellster I know. Hope you're doing ok luv x

For those who don't know me... I'm 34 and DH is 36. Been ttc #1 with no children from previous relationships for 22 months. 2 months ago after being tested for everything under the sun we discovered the devastating news that dh has 100% antibody bound sperm plus only 2% normal morphology. Our chances of conceiving naturally are practically zero. We are about 5 weeks into waiting for a referral letter to the clinic for nhs treatment. We would unfortunately only qualify for one funded ivf cycle in our area. I have no idea how long the waiting list is. I've joined the clinics own forum and most people were seen after about 6-12 weeks but they were all self funding not nhs. Just playing the waiting game now.

I have my ups and downs over the whole thing. Trying to enjoy the life I currently have but its filled with twinges of sadness with every new announcement or even nappy advert! Currently on a downer as I'm in my fertile week, everything is setting me off! Hubby won't talk about it with me but I know he's feeling really insecure. Things are a bit tense and he thinks I don't love him anymore. So I'm giving him all the fuss and attention but I need a few buckets of it back too!

Nice to meet you x