Infertility meltdown

[HappyAmbler]

Hello ladies

I'm a long time lurker and very occasional poster.

This is really just a rant as I'm feeling so utterly shit this evening - hence the title (was crying when I started writing this ). My DH is asleep upstairs as he has to work tomorrow.

This is my third cycle of clomid and AF has just arrived. We have been ttc #1 for 19 months although in that time I've had 22 cycles.

I'm just feeling totally lost as I was only prescribed three months of clomid, and my next appointment at the NHS fertility clinic isn't until mid Feb - so I'm basically going to have two wasted cycles in between.

We still don't really know what the problem is. DH and I are both 31, his SA was normal, my blood tests and ultrasound were normal, my cycles are pretty regular and I'm fairly certain I ovulate every month (temp rise). The only possible factor is my post ovulation (day 21) progesterone levels are 'borderline'. i.e. they indicate ovulation has occurred but not high enough to sustain pregnancy.

I really thought the clomid would 'fix' this seemingly minor problem. And it has in the sense that my post ovulation progesterone levels have been higher, and my luteal phase has been longer, but I'm still not bloody well up the duff

Apparently the next step is HSG - feeling stupid for not insisting this was done before I started the clomid, but I was so convinced the clomid would work...

I guess I'm just starting to panic now. If we don't know what the problem is, how the hell can it be fixed??

Thanks very much if you've got this far. I'm not sure why I'm posting, just needed to get this off my chest I guess. I don't know anyone in RL who's going through this, so it's just helpful to know there are others out there.

Hello again!!

I'll post more later but just wanted to say hi after my holiday! Hope everyone is well :-)

Sorry, tried to post yesterday but kept getting the 'website is unavailable at the moment' message :-(

Dulcet, is your next clinic appointment soon? I hope it goes well and that you get answers to your questions! I've joined the bootcamp thread; am all stocked up on healthy food so here's to an enormous weight loss by next week (er, maybe....)

Shellster, how is your hubby now, did you find out whether his antibiotics would affect your IVF?

I was expecting my follow up appointments from the hospital to be waiting for me on my return; I didn't have any letters from Ultrasound or the fertility clinic so rang them both, only to find that they had done..... bugger all. What a surprise! Anyhow, they both made me appointments whilst I was on the phone - I've got my ultrasound on Saturday (who even knew the NHS did Saturday appointments?!) and my consultant appointment at the beginning of June. OH is full of man flu and hasn't rung up the doctors yet for his SA results, I'll give him another day before I nag remind him about it.

Other than that, we had a lovely holiday, work continues to be poo and my CBFM seems completely buggered - think I'll save myself the cash for a new one and just use the sticks from now on, now I've learned how to read them!!

Well, as per usual, my cycle is not co-operating and I don't think I ovulated this cycle so I can't go ahead with IVF next cycle anyway, so it doesn't matter about hubby's recent antibiotic treatment Ruby. Have an appointment thisafternoon to get my blood result and see if my progesterone has risen to confirm ovulation (or lack there of!). After research, I really think adding the baby Aspirin to my concotion of daily supplements is the cause, so going to cut that out from day 10 next cycle. Hopefully that's enough time for it to leave my system so I can ovulate normally before re-commencing it so I have more follicles for IVF.

Hubby is delaying the results - maybe dreading feeling 'de-masculated' having to report to you that his swimmers are no good. Whatever the result, at least the beginning of June isn't too far away to finally get the ball rolling.

How did you get on at your appointment Shellster?

At the moment I'm taking a general conception vitamin every day (optimism there!), plus co-enzyme Q10 every day - that was one Zita West recommended and apparently it improves brain function, which I could do with - LOL. Every other day I take a B50 tablet, as I suspect it was taking that every day which gave me a 35 day cycle last time!

OH has gone on a stag do without enlightening me as to whether he got the results, but I'm guessing he didn't. Still, after my ultrasound tomorrow he'll have no excuse for not getting them, we need to know what to do next! I've told him he needs to hurry up in case he has to do another SA before my consultant appt.....

Good luck with the ultrasound today ruby. Obviously hope there is nothing wrong but also hope you get some answers! How are you finding boot camp??

I read about so many men unwilling to do the tests or get the results shell. They are a silly sort. If they could only see the difference between what they have to do and what we have to do! Hope your appointment went well!

Things changed a little here as I actually got my first ever BFP last week. I was as shocked as anyone! My appointment at clinic next week has been postponed until the end of the month. I am obviously hopeful this pregnancy will all work out but I am trying not to be too hopeful. It has helped me realise that I think I know what my problem is. I am fairly certain I have Luteral Phase Defect (LPD). I am fairly sure I do ovulate most of the time but the LP is only 8-10 days which hasn't been long enough. Just got lucky this month. Plan to discuss that with them at the end of the month. Sure they will tell me I am wrong!

You must be super excited Dulcet! Wow, a BFP - what does that look like?? So you're still going to your appointment to get answers. Well, LPD or not, I hope all works out for you.

My day 18 blood test showed no ovulation as expected Ruby. However it did show my FSH and LH were surging - as though my body was about to attempt ovulation a second time after it failed on day 13 and gave me spotting!? Either way, I am supposed to start estrogen day 20 of the cycle prior to IVF as this is when the follies are growing for the next round. So I can't start it this cycle as it is all whacky and I have no idea when my follicles are growing for my next cycle to start the estrogen. I am so sick of waiting and kinda thinking that if I ovulated day 19 instead of day 14, maybe I can start estrogen day 25 instead of day 20? Did another blood test to see if I actually did ovulate and have to go back to get results.

How did your ultrasound go Ruby? Any word from your husband?

Firstly - Dulcet, congratulations!!! I hope all is going ok with you after your BFP?!

Secondly - Shellster, have things settled down a bit for you now? It all sounded a bit hectic for you, I hope you've received the answers you needed.

Sorry for the long absence, it's been a strange week all round. A good friend of mine turned 40 at the weekend, but instead of the party we were planning, we had a much more low key celebration as she found out that her mum has terminal cancer. She's having chemo but as it's stage 4 pancreatic cancer I think that's more to prolong her life rather than looking for a 'cure' - she also has lung cancer so it's managing her treatment with pain relief and all the other medication she now needs, she's been a heavy smoker for 50 years and they are wondering if it's now finally catching up with her. My friend's dad is falling to pieces, they were going to retire together in a couple of years' time and now it sounds like she won't be around by then; it's all very, very sad.

No real news from me - the ultrasound wasn't pleasant and I was upset as OH went on a stag do and didn't even bother to phone me to see it went ok - men eh?! I was supposed to get my results from the GP today, but luckily phoned them beforehand to check they actually had them - turned out they don't and I have to go to the hospital to get them, despite what I was told at the appointment. Grrrrr! Anyhow, I've managed to get an appointment with the consultant on Thursday, which hopefully will be more productive.

OH STILL hasn't bothered to phone/ visit the GP to get his results - I've told him he must do it tomorrow as obviously that will have an impact on what treatment the consultant recommends. I'm really fed up with him, he keeps whining on about having no time to do it, but he managed to find several hours to bugger off early from work for a stag do! I'm going to phone him tomorrow (several times if necessary) to make sure he bloody does it, as I'm not sure whether he has to go in or whether they can tell him over the phone.

Phew! Long post from me - hope to catch up with you soon :-)

That sounds like a very sad situation your friend and her family are in Ruby. I am so sorry to hear that.

Your NHS systems sounds frustratingly slow and unorganised. Glad you are organised and chasing things up. I can just imagine your frustration at your husband. Doesn't have time to do it - how long does it to make a phone call! Does he have a bit of a slack personality in general (like my husband!) or is he perhaps avoiding having to face that he has dud sperm? I hope you get the results before your appointment. Your system sounds slow enough so it would be frustrating for your husband to delay the proceedings any more than necessary.

Yes, things were a bit hectic and stressful with my body doing all weird things. But things are better now and I am finally able to go ahead with IVF next cycle (again!). Just waiting for day one which should be any day now.

Any update on CD1 Shellster?

OH finally rang the GP after I nagged him several times - turns out he still has a low sperm count, but then we knew that anyway! I had my appointment today (which ran an hour late - grrrr) and my consultant has asked me to go for a tube test, as the ultrasound was fine. Essentially I think that OH's low count is the cause of our issues, but they want to rule out any issues with me as well, so that will be mid/ end June.

I'm not thrilled about it TBH, it means another afternoon off and taking antibiotics before and after, but if I don't then they won't help us any further. I blubbed all the way home (silly really when my results were good!) because the only step after that is IVF, there would be no other options, and I'm not sure I could do it.

I've been to the gym and am currently lurking upstairs whilst OH does the garden - needed some time to myself! Oh and when I got back I found he'd broken the laptop, so I'm having to type this on the Kindle...

Just don't know what to do really. I know it pales into insignificance compared to my friend's mum's problems, but the thought that I may never have kids is a very upsetting one :-(

Oh Ruby, I hope you felt a bit better after a good sob and some time alone. IVF is a very daunting thought. I am currently in IVF number 6 and it's really not that scary once it gets underway. Honestly, the hardest part is the emotions - and you are dealing with that now anyway.

It's frustrating your system is slow and your emotions have to be dragged along for another month while you wait for your scan.

So your husband still has some morphologically normal sperm - it's just the count that is low?

Well I went for my day 2 scan. At day 2 of my last IVF cycle I only had 6 follicles, and then only 3 of them grew with the IVF drugs so I cancelled. This time, I have 13 to start with (the pills really do something!) so I am going ahead with IVF - AGAIN.

Glad you are doing better with this cycle Shellster!

And thank you for the reassuring words about IVF - I'm just feeling all mixed up at the moment. I guess without realising it, I'd perhaps thought that if the ultrasound had spotted something wrong, it could at least be 'fixed' or give us an idea why the TTC hadn't got anywhere! Now because it looks like his low sperm count (he has normal sperm but a lower count than he should) is the issue, we don't have many options other than IVF. I'm due to have an HSG next month but if that's normal - as they seem to expect - then we'll both have to go to the next consultant appointment to see what we want to do, and OH has bugger all idea about what IVF involves or why the thought upsets me.

We had a really nice weekend away and I thought things were much better - then he told me about something he got in trouble for many years ago which I really think was wrong of him to do - and now I am all confused again. I'd asked him about this before and it turns out he'd lied to me, despite saying he never would. No wonder he's putting so much effort into us getting a cat, he obviously feels like he has something to make up for...

In cheerier news, I was Slimmer of the Week at my new slimming club and have now lost 4 1/2 lb in two weeks. Yippee! I didn't even bother telling OH that I was going as he'd just say "well you shouldn't be eating THAT if you're on a diet" several times a day. Oh well, only 17 1/2 lb to go...!

Hi ladies, thank you for the congrats. Still doesn't seem real. All ok for now, hopefully. Clinic offered me an early scan which is on Thursday so might start believing it after that.

Well done on slimmer of the week ruby, that's fab! Sounds like you are having a confusing time though. Never good if DP has lied to you, I hope you are both ok. Good news you have found an issue that can be fixed. I am sure I have heard that problems with the male are easier to get around. You'll have a fuller picture by the end of June so it seems. Answers and reasons helps with the waiting, even if the news isn't what you wanted!

Good news on the follicles shell, hope you are all set and ready for another round of IVF. We can cheer you on in support! When will you start?

I have already started Dulcet. Today is cycle day 5. My next scan is CD9. I have had intermittent pain in my left ovary since IVF egg retrieval last year. The next IVF, that side didn't respond to the medications. So I am worried about what permanent damage they did and that it still might not respond, meaning not many eggs even though I worked hard to start with 13 follicles. Just have to wait and see.

If I recall correctly, you still had an appointment at the infertility clinic even after you got your positive. Did you get any extra insight. I know that the NHS doesn't help once you already have a child and if it was difficult this time, worry for you that you won't get any help when you want a sibling for baby to be. Or maybe I am getting to far ahead and should just let you enjoy now! Hope your scan goes well :)

I hope this cycle goes well for you Shellster :-) I'm back at work tomorrow after the bank holiday, so will be booking in OH's next SA. I've also ordered a new Filofax to get myself more organised!!

Been reading up on IVF procedures to give myself a better idea of what's involved - it still sounds scary :-( no idea how many cycles we'd be entitled to, hopefully the consultant will be able to tell us more at the next appointment.

In the meantime, we now have a cat... Still think OH is trying to make up for something...!

I somehow missed your second last post on here Ruby so I am very sorry for seeming to totally ignore what you wrote in my last comment... a very big congrats on being Miss Slimmer of the week!!!! 4 1/2 pounds is an amazing effort!

Yes, you'd better get onto OH's next SA, seeing as he is on a very slow schedule when it comes to getting it done and finding out the results.

When is your next appointment? It might be good if hubby comes along so he can get some idea of what you will have to go through. I have found my husband generaly unsupportive through the whole process and there have been times when I want to kill him. All the torture and emotions I am going through to have a baby when all he has to do is eat better and exercise to improve his sperm so we could get pregnant naturally. I wouldn't be so shitty if he was at least trying.

Thank you Shellster! It's weigh in day again tomorrow, I've been to the gym this evening and am hoping for a good result. I have 17 1/2 lb to :) o to get to my goal weight, so I'm setting small targets along the way; my first one was to lose a bit before the wedding we're going to on Saturday. Plus I don't want to give the doctors any excuse to not put us forward for fertility treatment if we do need it!!

OH's next SA is booked for June 18th, and yes, like you I'm very frustrated that he won't even try to improve his sperm count. On the other hand, finding out that it's his 'fault' has helped, he doesn't make snidey comments about my age or anything similar now.

Apparently our next clinic appointment isn't till August 14th, which is a ridiculously long wait - I'm going to look into private options too!

Good luck at the weigh in! Sounds like it is providing a bit of a distraction to the fertility saga (albeit, the fertility saga is the motivation for us wanting to lose weight!). At least in amongst the sadness of TTC, it will be a nice feeling to hop on those scales and see you've lost weight.

Would your OH take supplements if you gave them to him daily? I give mine supplements despite his whinging and moaning. It increased his sperm count and motility, but the abnormal morphology won't budge.

August 14th is a long time away! What progress will be made at that appointment? Would that just be to put you on the waiting list for IVF?

I am on day 7 and have a follow up IVF scan on day 9. My left ovary has given pain every since my Sep 13 IVF egg retrieval at a cheaper clinic. The pain flared up during Dec 13 IVF and it didn't respond to the injections - only my right ovary did. It is now 8 months later and it still gives pain. The pain is getting worse as I take the injections again - so I am expecting it not to respond again. It's just so frustrating - they were supposed to help me get pregnant. Instead they have hindered. Now I only have half the chance because I only have one working ovary!

At today's weigh in I had gained 1lb. Pah! Really annoyed as i've tried so hard with the weight loss. Have felt rubbish today though, so perhaps I'm coming down with something.

Yes, August's appointment would only be to join a waiting list for more trees! I'm going to start OH taking his tablets again, he will no doubt whinge and moan but hey, it's a damn sight more pleasant than having an HSG...

Sorry to hear that you are in pain - is there anything that can be done to help you? If it's any consolation, my friend only has one working tube after an infection, but she has a DS conceived naturally :-) but anyhow, frequent and increasing pain isn't good, I hope they can offer something to relieve it.

That's right shell, I was due at the clinic for results and scans the week after I got the BFP. I called them and we rearranged for today. I was due the scans and feedback on results so that's what will happen today except scan is seeing if there's something in there. Bit nervous!

The pain sounds pretty awful shell, have you mentioned it to them? Not sure what they could do but they could at least look at it and maybe give you a reason. Hope your appointment tomorrow gives you the results you need.

You have a cat ruby, yay! I love cats! How did your private appointment research go? The waiting makes everything so much harder - August sounds so far away! Don't worry about the lb too much, especially if you don't feel good. It will shift!

Hope you can find the motivation to keep soldiering on with your weight loss rubes. Perhaps you've put on muscle with all those gym sessions.

The ovary pain isn't what worries me; its the fact that it means the ovary isn't working properly and not going to make any eggs for IVF. Went for a day 9 scan today and it turns out that my left ovary with the pain is the better producer of the two anyway. It has three growing follicles measuring 14mm, 12mm & 8mm, while my right only has 2 at 13 & 9. There are actually 14 in total but she said the other 9 are all smaller and won't catch up in time. Even now, there is no guarantee that the 8mm follicle will catch up to the 14mm follicle and perhaps even these measly five won't all be mature at the same time for egg collection. Back for a follow up scan on Monday.

Wait to hear how your scan goes Dulcet. I can imagine being nervous after it has taken you so long to get to this point.

Hi everyone,

Not much news from me, just saying hello!

Still waiting to see if my next appointment can be brought forward and also for CD1 so I can book in the HSG. The things I look forward to, eh...

Back at fat club tomorrow, gym tonight... I think it's doing me good and I also think that going low carb for a while has taught me that I don't handle carbs very well, I definitely feel worse after bread, pasta etc now!

Hi ladies!

Scan went well thank you. Not much to see but there was a heartbeat which is positive. Measuring behind where I should be but thats to be expected with such late ovulation. Still keeping everything crossed though and trying not to think about it too much.

How did you find low carbing ruby? I never got to try it. Well done on getting to the gym - that's half the battle!

Any news from your follow up scan yesterday shell?

You are a trooper Ruby soldiering on at the gym and your 'fat club'!

Glad your scan went well Dulcet and you can put a reason to the smaller measurements so you don't stress yourself out. Unfortunately my scan didn't go as well. Started with 14 follicles but only 3 have responded enough at day 12 scan. Dr suggested cancelling as this is not a usual response and she is sure I can get more if I try again. I was taking Aspirin during the IVF cycle and have just read a study showing that this hinders follicle growth so at least I have an answer and can feel confident about things being better next time.

So no new news from me for a while either. Tried naturally this cycle with my 3 eggs but with hubby's 100% abnormal sperm, I don't think 3 or 300 eggs will help. Having one cycle break next cycle while we are on holidays and will return just before the cycle ends to start the IVF fun again the following cycle - mid July.

No news from me, just saying hello [waves]

I'm away for a few days next week, thought I'd say hi now and leave you all with best wishes whilst I'm away!

Waiting for CD1 and hence booking in for my HSG (don't I have some fun things to look forward to?!) - due early next week. OH is having his next SA when we return but I'm yet to hear back from the hospital about whether we can move our next appointment forward from mid-August to discuss next steps - I asked about that and also complained about the receptionist as she was so rude!

OH has stopped making snidey comments about me being too old and how his other female friends got pregnant straight away with their partners now we know it's more than likely his 'fault' that nothing's happening - it was worth going through the tests for that if nothing else...

Oh and I finally lost another couple of lb's, think my tummy bug threw things a bit! 6lb down, 16lb to go!!

Wow, wow wow Ruby - 6 pounds is an amazing effort. I have fallen off the wagon since my last IVF was cancelled and I can't seem to get back on. I know the stats on the 'IVF protein diet' and how it ups success rates tremendously, so I am getting depressed that I am sabotaging my next IVF. Must get back on track TODAY. Glad OH has kept his mouth shut since his results - I can't believe OH was making snidey comments to begin with! Men eh.

No news at my end either. Waiting one more week to see if I miraculously conceived naturally this cycle after producing 3 eggs but then cancelling IVF. But am fully expecting AF to turn up. I have appt next week with IVF Dr to arrange another IVF cycle.

Oh, and good on you for complaining about receptionist! This journey is crap enough without others having to make it worse. And good on you for being pro-active and pushing to get appoinment moved forward. The NHS sounds painfully slow.

Enjoy your holiday! Will wait to hear about your HSG results.