Infertility meltdown

[HappyAmbler]

Hello ladies

I'm a long time lurker and very occasional poster.

This is really just a rant as I'm feeling so utterly shit this evening - hence the title (was crying when I started writing this ). My DH is asleep upstairs as he has to work tomorrow.

This is my third cycle of clomid and AF has just arrived. We have been ttc #1 for 19 months although in that time I've had 22 cycles.

I'm just feeling totally lost as I was only prescribed three months of clomid, and my next appointment at the NHS fertility clinic isn't until mid Feb - so I'm basically going to have two wasted cycles in between.

We still don't really know what the problem is. DH and I are both 31, his SA was normal, my blood tests and ultrasound were normal, my cycles are pretty regular and I'm fairly certain I ovulate every month (temp rise). The only possible factor is my post ovulation (day 21) progesterone levels are 'borderline'. i.e. they indicate ovulation has occurred but not high enough to sustain pregnancy.

I really thought the clomid would 'fix' this seemingly minor problem. And it has in the sense that my post ovulation progesterone levels have been higher, and my luteal phase has been longer, but I'm still not bloody well up the duff

Apparently the next step is HSG - feeling stupid for not insisting this was done before I started the clomid, but I was so convinced the clomid would work...

I guess I'm just starting to panic now. If we don't know what the problem is, how the hell can it be fixed??

Thanks very much if you've got this far. I'm not sure why I'm posting, just needed to get this off my chest I guess. I don't know anyone in RL who's going through this, so it's just helpful to know there are others out there.

Sorry ruby, managed to get myself locked out in the password changes. The lovely people at MN Towers sorted me out though!

Any progress from AF or BFP??! I'm hopeful for you!

I was on something from holland and Barrett to try extend LP but not sure it worked and after a few screwy cycles I have stopped too. How long do you think your LP is?

I have struggled with weight again the last couple of weeks too. It's hard to stay motivated when things aren't going your way! I am planning to be trying much harder after Easter - got to get the Sunday roast out the way first.

Hi Dulcet, Happy Easter!!

The weight loss is very slow/ unproductive at the moment. Think I might finish the Easter egg and plan to start properly after my fertility appt on Thursday, as I'm sure they will mention it then.....

AF turned up on CD35! Ridiculous - it was around 25 days before I started with the B12. Having said that, I didn't OV till around CD21, so my LP was about right. Can't have it both ways, eh?!

OH has his SA tomorrow and I think the results will be less than fab - he's had such a stressful week, hasn't been taking his vitamins, doesn't read the instructions etc. My current plan is to book him in for another one straight away, as the lead time is three weeks and we can always cancel it before then if needs be! We should get the results before then and TBH if they are poor then it's not the end of the world - they'll get us to repeat the test (hence the re-booking!) but it might also get us further up the list for more investigations/ help.

Just fed up really - I know his mum & dad are waiting eagerly for more grandchildren but it's not like I can tell them what's happening!!

How are things with you? x

Happy Easter to you too!

Sorry she turned up for you but does sound like the B12 have done the right thing? I would be put out by longer cycles though too!

Three weeks for SA results?! That sounds like ages! Is that normal? Hope it's successful at least.

Things here aren't much different. I think I'm about ovulation time so will be a tiring week. Next appointment is in May which is scans and all the results. Hoping to get a reason at least! Been researching the private clinics in case of the worst - its all so confusing!

Completely agree about the grandchildren thing. It probably makes me even more sad than not being able to be a Mum. Is that weird? I feel like I'm letting them down - like their son married a duff. Mother in law is so kid-focused too. A baby came for dinner yesterday, she was besotted.

I hope the May appointment goes well for you Dulcet, although by 'well' it probably means getting an answer at last? That's what I find so frustrating, that I DON'T KNOW WHY it's not happening for us. And let's face it, to get to that point us girls have to go through a lot more hassle than the men do!!

Confusing day for me really - on the one hand had a lovely day out with OH and his friend's OH whilst we waited to collect his friend from hospital - on the other, she has 3 kids, 9 grandchildren and another one on the way, and OH was making comments about "and here's me with still no kids" - like this is my fault!! Then I had a text from my friend to say she's expecting her third child - I know she had problems TTC with the first, it took a year, but she seems to have popped out the second two no trouble. Of course perhaps she has and she hasn't told me, but that's what it feels like!

Then on the way home OH is a bit drunk and maudlin and starts waffling again about how he'll never love anyone like he loved his GF who died; I am so fed up with this I can't tell you, it happened over 20 years ago and he was 21 at the time. I've heard it again and again and have eventually snapped before and said something like "she can't have been that bloody perfect, you're deluding yourself that it was better than it was because she died, and 99% likely you wouldn't be together now if she hadn't" - admittedly not the nicest thing to say but it's true, how many people are still with the person they were with at 21? He did admit that he put her on a pedestal but still, as soon as he starts drinking it's back to "she was my first and only love" etc etc.....

I think he's realised that I'm beyond irritated with this as he keeps trying to get me to talk to him. Not going to happen until I can be calm and rational - maybe by Friday then?!

Oh ruby, that sounds so tough. How do you even deal when he says things like that?! O understand he is drunk but that is such a hurtful thing to say. I hope he realises that and apologises.

The lack of answers does make it all harder. Do you have a plan if action from here?

TBH I'm not dealing with it very well at the moment. What makes it harder is that he's had such a tough week at work and he's turned to me for help and support, it really felt like we were a team. Then as soon as he has a few drinks, it's back to waffling on about his dead ex..... I realise that makes me sound horrible and callous but I've simply had enough, he has this 'romantic' view that they were star crossed lovers and he should be faithful to death, etc. Truth is, they were young, she sadly died, if she hadn't they'd probably have split up not too long after anyway, because most people do at that age.

And again TBH I don't care right now if he even goes for his appointment. I'm going to go for mine because I want to be able to say (as much as you can do) that it's not my 'fault' if we're not having any luck TTC, I do think the issue is more that he has a low sperm count, which he has to face up to. I'm not sure what would be the best option if that is the outcome, but as I can't even look at him for now without being annoyed, that's probably not such a bad thing!

I don't think it makes you sound horrible at all - its completely understandable! I don't think anyone would appreciate their DP talking about an ex like that, even if she is dead! I am sure it was a tough time for everyone involved but it doesn't make it right to drag it into subsequent relationships. Hes creating a barrier by doung that and will only create resentment. I hope you get a full and honest apology!

So you think he is scared to go for the test because of the potential results? Don't let any of it hold your tests back, you can find out if you have any issues regardless. It's better to know if you can!

Thanks Dulcet - I know I should probably go and talk to him about this rationally and explain how upset I am, but I'm still so angry that I'm shaking - I think he knows something is up and is avoiding me! I am so annoyed that he still has this childish obsession with his 'one true love' and on this occasion I'm also fuming that he said it in front of people with no thought as to how that would make me feel. I did think about saying, so what about me, am I just here to pass the time until you die?!

I'm beginning to see why his last GF lied to him about them having kids together; don't get me wrong, I completely disagree with what she did, but if he was like this with her too then in some ways I can see why she did it!

Still fuming. Will try to get to sleep before he comes to bed, maybe I'll have calmed down by tomorrow...

Hope you don't mind me invading your chat together. Just saw your name as the last poster Ruby and wanted to see how you were getting on. Last time we spoke, you were struggling to get hubby to go for a SA so it seems like you have finally managed to change his mind and the ball is rolling for you now.

Read your last few posts and was kinda nice to read about your feelings of resentment towards your hubby at the moment (although obviously not nice for you!). I really wanted to feel close to my hubby as we undergo our next IVF as I believe that this will have the correct 'love' hormones flowing through my body that would naturally be there when a child is conceived naturally. But have been feeling so resentful towards mine and it was nice to hear I am not alone.

That must be awful for you to have to hear that again and again. I can't believe he isn't giving a thought as to how that would make you feel! I hope you wake up feeling a bit better. Men. I swear in my next life I am coming back as a lesbian!!

Hi shellster, come on in! I like what you are saying about the love hormones through IVF. Are you still struggling with resenting your DH now? When is your next IVF round?

Saying in front of other people is even worse ruby, you are completely justified in feeling angry and let down. It will be tough but a calm conversation is the only thing you can do to hopefully move on with it though. If you stay made and don't talk about it then its not doing anyone any good. Maybe you need to go somewhere neutral, out of the house and away from others and try to air it all. He should be made to realise how hurtful that is, especially when you are TTC!

Hello again shellster! You're right, I finally got OH to go for a SA by moaning at discussing it with him, and once he actually got his head round the concept and stopped sulking about it he was fine. He went yesterday and we have to phone the GP in about a week for the results. I think he's perhaps realised that we'd both like kids, neither of us are getting any younger (I'm 37 next week :( ) and due to that and how long we've been TTC for, we'd be eligible for help but would need to move quickly!

I'm finding it really hard at the moment though; my weight loss attempts have gone off the rails and every time I hear about someone else upduffed it makes me want to cry :( I have my fertility appointment tomorrow and I know they will suggest/ require that I lose some weight. TBH I know I should, to feel better about myself if nothing else, but then I think what's the point as I've only technically been overweight since before Xmas and bugger all happened before then anyway?!

We did have a big argument about his tactlessness with regards to his dead ex - at one point he said "I can't believe this is our first row and it's about someone who's dead" - apparently all the arguments about his friend Evil Cow don't count, LOL! I THINK he sees my point but has an irritating notion that if he says he loves anyone else then it would be an insult to her memory - grrrrrr. It's probably easiest not to talk about it again.....

Off to Google hypnotherapy. Seriously considering it for the weight loss!

Evening everyone :)

Fertility appt done and I didn't blub! Amazing (although I was close more than once). TBH I'm glad OH didn't come, there was nothing he needed to answer other than did he have mumps when he was young, which as far as I know he hasn't. They're going to send me an appointment for an ultrasound and a further appt to discuss the results of that, plus the results of OH's SA which we should have back next week - I'll probably be back there around the end of May.

The only thing they did today was take a couple of blood samples, one to check for the rubella antibody and one as part of a clinical trial to test for thyroid antibodies. I have a feeling I'm going to bruise though as my arm bled a lot afterwards :(

So, onwards and upwards..... very very stressed at work as it's poo in general and even worse as I'm about to take a week off. One of the nurses was sympathetic about it and even that nearly made me sob! OH and I still haven't booked our week away as he's so rubbish about these things but I will make him do it tonight.....

How is everyone else?

That's great news ruby, do you feel better now that's done?

My next appointment is the scan appointment and the clinic appointment is the same day. They do that deliberately to discuss the results so hopefully they will do that for you as well.

Where are you planning to go for your week away? Are you planning it over the fertile week ? Make the most of it! Haha.

Feeling better towards hubby today thanks Dulcet. He actually did some jobs around the house which he never ever does so that did help. Hope he keeps that up in the lead up to my next IVF to keep the love alive. Not that I can be complaining in the face of what Ruby's husband is saying in front of her!

I am so glad for you Ruby that the wheels are FINALLY in motion for you. So no more news then until the end of May when you go for your follow up appointment. Seems like ages away. Hope you have a lovely holiday in the meantime.

I do feel better for going thanks Dulcet, the nurse was very kind so that helped! We're hoping to go to Turkey for our week away - wanted to go somewhere relatively warm and OH doesn't want to do the Canary Islands again, he's been many times! - but I think it will be just before my fertile time. At the moment I just want to get away from work, forgot how stressful it is getting ready for some time off :( and how much I hate it at the moment :( :(

Pleased to hear your hubby is finally being more helpful Shellster!! At least we should have the results of OH's SA before my next appt; whatever the outcome I'll still need the scan etc but it will be helpful to know if there may be an issue there. If the result is poor he'll have to repeat the test but that's not really such hardship for men, is it?!

Your work sounds awful Ruby. I hope you can enjoy your holiday and not dread the work piling up.

Our men complain so much about there little test don't they! I have been through a HSG, a laparoscopy, 6 IVF's, the injections, the blood test... and they have to orgasm. Hardly a hardship indeed!

Think I was pretty lucky with DH and his pot test really. He put it off, don't get me wrong, but once booked it was fine.

Sounds like a shitty time at work then ruby, any chance of a break without getting pg? Or moving if you hate it? Even within the organisation might help.

Aren't men odd? I mean we knew that anyway, but about this in particular :) OH has been ok about it once I'd actually made him understand how upset it made me that he wouldn't, and yes, we women have to go through far more unpleasant tests!!

We're off to the airport shortly for a week in (hopefully!) the sun - YAY - I think whilst we are there we'll talk about what to do about work. OH is fed up of being self employed and considering selling up, and as you both know, I've been on the verge of walking out more than once recently! It'll be useful to get his test results for that reason too, should help us to make a more informed decision on what to do; I do wonder whether my work stress doesn't help with the TTC either, but then of course if OH's sperm count is very low, perhaps work makes no difference either way.

Anyhow, wishing you both a fantastic week, I'm back a week tomorrow so will hopefully catch up with you once I've unpacked and started on the washing mountain!

Happy holidays Ruby - if you are not already away enjoying the sunshine.

Can I ask Dulcet where you are up to in the TTC nightmare. I have spoken to Ruby before and that's why I joined into this thread - to see how she is going now. But don't know your story.

As for me, I have low AMH and hubby has 100% abnormal sperm. Waiting for this cycle to end (today is CD8) so we can start IVF number seven next cycle!

I noticed your post above about trying to lose weight. I am trying to eat healthy high protein low carb diet (as this is researched to improve embryo quality for IVF) - but it's so hard to stay motivated when all I get for my efforts is failure after failure.

Hope you found the sun Ruby!

Of course shellster, it's hard to keep up with peoples journeys on here sometimes!

I am on cycle 20 TTC#1, had my referral to fertility clinic in Jan, ran tests. DH is fine but my two 21 day bloods have been low (26 and 14). Due back at clinic next month for scanners/cameras and follow up appointment. Not sure what to expect but possibly a round on clomid maybe?

Funny you mention low crab, I just joined the boot camp on here! Starts next Monday so will be trying it. How do you find it? I can understand it being hard to be motivated if it doesn't get you where you so desperately want to be. 7 rounds of IVF is harsh, so harsh. You are so strong to get through that even!

I thought 26 is a good day 21 progesterone number - do you use the same unit of measurement as here in Australia? We use nmol/L.

Is the boot camp on mumsnet? Haven't heard of that! How do I find the low carb diet? Well I have actually been vegetarian since I was 14 so it's hard suddenly forcing fish and chicken down your throat! The things we do to get a BFP.

Just realised I am actually up to IVF number 6 - not 7. You start to lose track when you get into these high numbers. Today is CD12 so just waiting this cycle out so I can start next cycle. But hubby had a high temp for two days last week and just started antibiotics. Does anyone know if this is going to hinder his contribution to IVF or should I wait it out another cycle

Not sure what the measurements are but the clinic told me it had to be above 30 to indicate ovulation. Then my next one was lower. What is weird is I do get positives on ov sticks when I do them and, using them, my LP is pretty consistent at 10 days which may not be long enough. That is what I think the problem is as opposed to not oving. But i'm not the doctor! I had loads of other tests since Jan but not had any results really so looking forward to appointment just to hear whats going on!

Bootcamp is on here. Here is the link but this is just some ruls and signing up, the real stuff starts on Monday: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/low_carb_bootcamp/2058423-Next-Low-Carb-Bootcamp-starts-on-5-May?

Worth a try...

No idea about the impact of male illness on IVF I am afraid, I haven't quite got to that stage of research. Hopefully someone will come along and answer though.

To me it (and I am no doc either!) it certainly sounds like you are ovulating. You get a positive OPK and then an LP of 10 days. As you say, some women have longer which suggests a weak luteal phase - or a poor corpus luteum that is not secreting enough progesterone and breaking down sooner than usual. I seem to have the same problem and there seems to be loads of things you can do that hasn't helped my case but many other women online swear have worked for them. Is it rude to ask how old you are, as I think ovulation gets weaker as we age.

I remember when I first got loads of tests and then waited 2 hours for my follow up appointment excited just as you are to finally get answers. The doctor skims my results and says 'Mm, everything looks normal. Don't really know what the problem is. Keep trying'. I left and cried! I hope your appointment lives up to your expectations and gives you some answers.

Thanks for replying to my query about male illness. I spoke to my new lovely IVF dr who said that his contribution will be a month after his illness which should be fine. Feel much better now as I trust my new dr.

Not heard of corpus lureum, another things to Google! I think I had a progesterone/testosterone test so that might be one of the results I get back. I guess I am quite hopeful of the appointment to get moving somewhere, hopefully not disappointed.

Oh, and I am 28 which I know is younger compared to others but doesn't change the length of time trying. And if there is a problem, its there regardless of age! (bit defensive there but I have found some that imply I have nothing to worry about solely based on age!)

Glad you trust your new doctor, that's really important!

20 cycles and nothing at age 28 - somethings not right. I really hope you get some answers at your appointment.

The follicle that releases the egg is called a follicle before ovulation, but magically changes name to a corpus luteum after. But it's still the same thing. From memory, corpus luteum is Latin for yellow body, because after ovulation, it secretes progesterone which is yellow. Geepers, I've definitely done too much Googling on this infertility journey to know that.