Infertility meltdown

[HappyAmbler]

Hello ladies

I'm a long time lurker and very occasional poster.

This is really just a rant as I'm feeling so utterly shit this evening - hence the title (was crying when I started writing this ). My DH is asleep upstairs as he has to work tomorrow.

This is my third cycle of clomid and AF has just arrived. We have been ttc #1 for 19 months although in that time I've had 22 cycles.

I'm just feeling totally lost as I was only prescribed three months of clomid, and my next appointment at the NHS fertility clinic isn't until mid Feb - so I'm basically going to have two wasted cycles in between.

We still don't really know what the problem is. DH and I are both 31, his SA was normal, my blood tests and ultrasound were normal, my cycles are pretty regular and I'm fairly certain I ovulate every month (temp rise). The only possible factor is my post ovulation (day 21) progesterone levels are 'borderline'. i.e. they indicate ovulation has occurred but not high enough to sustain pregnancy.

I really thought the clomid would 'fix' this seemingly minor problem. And it has in the sense that my post ovulation progesterone levels have been higher, and my luteal phase has been longer, but I'm still not bloody well up the duff

Apparently the next step is HSG - feeling stupid for not insisting this was done before I started the clomid, but I was so convinced the clomid would work...

I guess I'm just starting to panic now. If we don't know what the problem is, how the hell can it be fixed??

Thanks very much if you've got this far. I'm not sure why I'm posting, just needed to get this off my chest I guess. I don't know anyone in RL who's going through this, so it's just helpful to know there are others out there.

The clinic does not have any set number that 'I need' to have in order to proceed. But I have set myself a minimum of 10. If it were free, I would go ahead if there were only 4, but at the cost of $7000 a go, I need to have a small chance of success to make it worthwhile.

I am exactly the same - distracted for parts of the day and having it whirling around in my head the rest. It's impossible to forget when my every food decision is IVF based and when I am trying yoga and exercise in my spare time to get my blood flowing all for IVF.

I guess you've still got one last chance at natural conception sammy. Even though you might feel like you've got next to no chance naturally, at least it is just 2 weeks away so you can set yourself this smaller count down, and then count down to IVF after that.

Shell, good luck for your next IVF cycle and everything crossed for lots of follicles!! I was talking to a lady today who had twins via IVF and they were her eighth pregnancy - my goodness - she had two ectopics first and lost both her tubes, then five miscarriages (via IVF), then the twins. Goes to show that there's always hope!

I really think the high protein diet helped me, not that I'm following it now as I still get quite a lot of sickness and just want to eat toast! I'm sure the high protein would be very good for me but bleurghhhhh......

I hope you're enjoying some relaxing time now Sammy before the chaos which is IVF! It's structured chaos but involves you being available at short notice a lot of the time, enjoy long days in the sunshine whilst you can

How are you feeling Victoria? Please don't let anyone make you feel bad for only wanting one baby - some want one, some want a football team - the main thing is that you're happy!!

Thanks for your well wishes ruby. Wow, what a journey that lady went through to get her twins. I am planning on having two embryos transferred next cycle. At first, I just thought it would increase the odds of at least one implanting, but this cycle I have found myself secretly hoping to get twins next cycle too. I don't know why, I already have DS and only ever planned on two children. I think because it has been so much effort to get pregnant and now I know it can never happen again after next time, I want two for the price of one.

I can imagine the sickness is worse for you ruby with double the hormones in your system. Enjoy your toast. How is the blood pressure going? Are you still taking medication for it?

Ruby I'm terrified!
I hate not knowing what to expect.
I'm also excited/disappointed/nervous/sad/happy all at once... I don't know where I am! Lol. Xx

I think the waiting is the worst part sammy. There's nothing productive you can do so all you do is wait and wonder. It's better once you just get on with things.

ruby can I ask you AGAIN about the estrogen. I know I asked before, but I never ended up taking it as my next IVF was cancelled before egg collection and my last one was cancelled at day 2. So now I've forgotten but really want to make sure I get it right. I have no advice from my clinic on this since it is something my Dr is allowing me to do based on my own research... and since you got pregnant with twins I figure what you did must be the right thing!

• Did you have to take the estrogen at any time in particular?
• Did you take 2mg twice daily or 4mg once daily?
• Were you given instructions to take it with food or on an empty stomach?
• I think you started the same day after egg collection?

I will write down the answer this time!

Hi ladies

shell I hope you get the follicles you need this cycle hun. I sense your anxiety and I wish I could say/do something to help!

Sammy not long now, fingers crossed for you too.

Sorry you're still feeling sick rubes, me too! Hope the beans are getting all they need from vitamin pills as they certainly aren't from food intake!

Had my 12w scan yesterday. All looks well thank goodness. Bean was measuring 13+1 instead of the 12+2 I should be! Gonna be a bruiser lol.

Thanks both, yes, just want to get started!!

Victoria!! Hooray for the scan, that's such brilliant news !
I'm sure the growth will slow down and fall in to the normal range, Xx

I guess at least it's reassuring that they say the bean is bigger than it's age rather than smaller. If it was the other way and only measured at 10 weeks, you would be in a real panic right now thinking that something is wrong and it's not growing properly. From memory, I think they are only 5-6cm at 12 weeks so I guess a couple of tiny mm bigger doesn't necessary mean it's going to be a disaster at 40 weeks - hopefully!

sammy, you feel like my fellow solider on their thread now that ruby and vic have both moved up the ranks. We'll get through this together. I'm so nervous as my day 2 scan draws near. I'm a poor responder and am dreading coming out of the scan in tears because there's only a few follicles and having IVF cancelled. I know it's only going to get worse as I age so if this scan isn't good, it pretty much tells me the dream is over. I've given my ovaries a talking to and I hope they are growing follicles as we speak.

Shell - when is your day 2 scan? I'm keeping everything crossed for you.

If it was bad news would you consider donor eggs? Xx

I am not sure when my day 2 scan is, basically because this cycle has been different to normal and I am not sure when my period is going to arrive. I got an LH surge on an OPK stick at day 18 which is very late in the cycle. I've been taking Aspirin to thin the blood and get more blood to my ovaries in the hope of more follicles next cycle, but I've read Aspirin interferes with follicle growth and ovulation, and that definitely seems to have been the case for me with my altered cycles. I've stopped it now as I want it out of my system before my IVF cycle starts so it doesn't interfere with getting lots of follicles growing for IVF next cycle.

Donor eggs is just not for me. I actually found an article about it and my IVF Dr's office and had a read. It costs over $20,000.00!!!! I can't even afford this last cycle let alone all that money. But even if I could, donor eggs is just not for me. I had considered foster care as an alternative so that my son has a playmate, but that brings with it a whole new bag of worms because the child will come from a broken home and I don't know how they will fit in and if it will do my son more harm than good.

Hard to know what to think. On the one hand, I'm reading a book about being positive so I'm putting alternatives out of my mind and just focused on IVF working. On the other hand, people say when you quit and forget about it, then it happens so by that theory, I should start filling in the foster papers for IVF to work. This is all such a mind screw.

£20,000?! Wow, that's a lot of money!
Fair enough, I'm not sure what I'd think abut it either.

Ok, well staying positive can only help, but that doesn't mean you can't get a back up plan in place... Fill in those papers, or look in to adoption while you wait and see what happens. 'Come on shells ovaries, lots of eggies please!!' Xx

Yep, $20,000.00. I think it costs more here in Australia because we don't have a donor egg bank so the clinic would source the eggs from the world egg bank. I am allowed to find my own egg donor locally but I don't exactly feel like walking around to younger ladies saying 'hey, could I have some of your eggs please?'. But even if we did have an egg bank and it were cheaper, it's just not for me. I did look into foster care at a previous point but it just left me sitting at the desk reading the info in tears because it's not what I really want and it was like accepting it was over for me. I don't think that me getting into that upset state would be good for my hormones in the lead up to IVF so I'll wait until after and just focus on staying positive... or at least positive until my IVF cycle starts. Watch me turn into a nut and panic about my IVF cycle every step of the way once it starts!

... and yes, lots of eggies please ovaries. I took them for a walk and an acupuncture session today and fed them lots of protein so they had better well behave!

Sending you lots of egg vibes in return!

Thanks Shell

Your ovaries are being treated well, so fx they will behave.

Yes, not exactly sure how you go about finding your own egg donor. But if it's not for you then you don't need to worry anyway. Wishing you all the luck in the world that this works for you. Xx

Yes, these ovaries had better behave. Although I'm a bit disillusioned by it all because I joined a gym for the month of April and did several yoga sessions, as well as start a paper round so that I then walked 2 to 2 1/2 hours a week, yet the following cycle I had a low count of just 7 follicles compared to 15 to 19 previous IVF cycles. So there seems to be no rhyme or reason to it and hence I have no idea what will happen next cycle despite all this extra effort.

Is it something you are considering then sammy - egg donor? Although with your AMH score of 19 compared to mine of 2.5, and with your two funded fresh and two funded frozen cycles, along with your family funded private cycle while you wait, surely you will have to get lucky on one of those and never need to worry. Is it rude to ask how old you are? I am about to turn 38 in July, so I assume you are younger with your higher AMH?

It's so frustrating not being able to control it isn't it?

I'm 29, and no, we haven't considered egg donor yet as we have no reason to believe mine can't work. I think we would use a donor though if it came to it rather than straight to adoption because at least then it would biologically be DHs and I would still get to experience pregnancy. I appreciate it's not for everyone though. Xx

I wish I was 29 again! I have been TTC this imaginary child since I was 35 at which time my eggs should have been in not as bad nic as they are now. But since it turns out it's hubby's sperm that was the issue, that's why I didn't conceive. So even though I'm older now, I'm blindly hoping that my eggs are still fine since they have not diagnosed any fertility issues with me, but I know that with me turning 38 next month, age is an issue.

Where are you at in your cycle now sammy? Mustn't be too far off starting?

Well I'm keeping my fingers firmly crossed for you, lots of women conceive well in to their forties so there's every chance your eggs are absolutely fine :).

Well, I'm in my fertile period at the moment, and think I might have ovd today as boobs suddenly very sore this evening... Will see what tomorrow's temperature brings. Xx

Thanks for the well wishes sammy! I'm past my fertile (or not so fertile!) period this cycle so I am just a bit ahead of you and just waiting for my period to show up so I can get on with IVF. In one way I am dreading it because it's the last cycle I can afford and I don't know how I'm going to cope if it weren't to work. But in another, I am sick of all this sitting around waiting and wondering so I just want to have my day two scan showing lots of follicles so I can be relieved.... so long as that is what the scan actually shows!

So basically IVF is just two weeks away for you then sammy! Most people don't have my bad luck of 10 IVF failed attempts, and with age on your side, I am sure you are going to show me up with lots of lovely eggs and a very good chance next cycle.

It's all do scary shell :(. At least we'll almost be cycling together.

I think you're amazing to still be going at this... I'm not sure how I'll survive if one cycle fails, let alone ten. You're a brave lady. Xx

I'm not sure I'm that brave sammy. It's just the thought of no child after an IVF failure feels more daunting than repeating IVF, so I am forced to try again.

Yes, you won't be far behind me.

Can I ask you about side effects? I'm really scared of overstimulation amongst other things. Can you give me an honest description of any side effects you have had? Xx

Honestly, I really don't get any side effects at all. But perhaps because you are younger you are worried about over stimulation while I have the opposite concern as I hardly produce any eggs and am just hoping I will have enough that the cycle doesn't need to be cancelled, so perhaps I am the wrong person to ask! I often wish I did have symptoms during an IVF cycle as that would at least tell me that a bit more action is happening.

I have a friend who produced 25 eggs and she just kept up the water intake as well as electrolytes - she drank sports drinks but electrolytes are also in coconut water which is more natural if you can stand the stuff. She didn't have any issues at all and her two embryos both implanted so I guess that treatment helped with overdose of hormones that 25 follicles would produce as it didn't affect her success. So just keep up the water and electrolytes.

25 eggs?! Wow!

Ok so sports drinks and coconut water (bleugh) are going on the shopping list. OSSH was one of my concerns, but I thought there would be emotional and physical side effects to the hormones, so you've reassured me a bit there.

I'm still keeping my fingers crossed that your ovaries are behaving! Xx

Definitely no physical side effects for me. As for emotional side effects, I don't find the medication causes any but rather, it's me being frustrated as I watch DH eat crap while I am eating perfect and injecting myself due to HIS dud sperm, nervous about my upcoming scans because I know my history of their unwillingness to co-operate, then it's me being nervous about if my few eggs fertilise, then it's the anxious wait for the phone call each day to update me if they have died overnight or are still alive up until it's time to transfer them... so the whole IVF journey is just an emotional roller coaster.

I'll pass your message on to my ovaries!