Infertility meltdown

[HappyAmbler]

Hello ladies

I'm a long time lurker and very occasional poster.

This is really just a rant as I'm feeling so utterly shit this evening - hence the title (was crying when I started writing this ). My DH is asleep upstairs as he has to work tomorrow.

This is my third cycle of clomid and AF has just arrived. We have been ttc #1 for 19 months although in that time I've had 22 cycles.

I'm just feeling totally lost as I was only prescribed three months of clomid, and my next appointment at the NHS fertility clinic isn't until mid Feb - so I'm basically going to have two wasted cycles in between.

We still don't really know what the problem is. DH and I are both 31, his SA was normal, my blood tests and ultrasound were normal, my cycles are pretty regular and I'm fairly certain I ovulate every month (temp rise). The only possible factor is my post ovulation (day 21) progesterone levels are 'borderline'. i.e. they indicate ovulation has occurred but not high enough to sustain pregnancy.

I really thought the clomid would 'fix' this seemingly minor problem. And it has in the sense that my post ovulation progesterone levels have been higher, and my luteal phase has been longer, but I'm still not bloody well up the duff

Apparently the next step is HSG - feeling stupid for not insisting this was done before I started the clomid, but I was so convinced the clomid would work...

I guess I'm just starting to panic now. If we don't know what the problem is, how the hell can it be fixed??

Thanks very much if you've got this far. I'm not sure why I'm posting, just needed to get this off my chest I guess. I don't know anyone in RL who's going through this, so it's just helpful to know there are others out there.

Ironically the lady I pissed off by mentioning preg stuff on the ttc thread got her bfp this morning....

Chops - I thought that was ironic too!

You not sleeping?? What? Have I missed something? Xx

How ironic victoria. I bet that lady now wants to shout her BFP from the rooftop and would feel very offended if she was told to rudely F off from that thread. Maybe that's what I need to do to get a BFP this cycle? After I DTD at ovulation, I'll start hurling abuse at you and Ruby for being preggers and see if it works!

Yes, this TTC is very expensive indeed ruby! I wouldn't mind spending the money if there was some sort of BFP guarantee. But I am already $4000 in debt and going further into debt for this last IVF. About to turn 38 so no time to repay the credit card from the last IVF and save before trying again. All will be well if it works but I am not even going to think about the depressive state I will be in with having to work for the next year to repay ten grand and have nothing to show for it.

I'm home!! And while we were away our information pack from the private clinic had arrived! So I shall be reading that this morning :). Xx

I don't think I could take any more abuse shell! Lol!

Happy reading Sammy :-) won't be long now x

Temp has dropped so that's cycle 19 over :(. One more chance before IVF. I'm so scared. Xx

Oh sammy. I remember being so scared and depressed too when i first learned that hubby's sperm was 100% abnormal and we needed IVF. But once the process actually starts, you feel like you're trying something new and have a glimmer of hope that it will be the solution. I hope next cycle passes quickly so you can just get on with things.

Thanks Shell - the promise of the IVF helps with the disappointment of the temperature drop, but there's a little voice whispering 'what if the IVF doesn't work either'. I'll be ok once the hormone crash has finished Xx

Oh Sammy sorry to hear your temp has dropped. I know how frustrating it is but it still could happen naturally. Look at my cycle 30!

Hope you're holding up ok shell xx

Thanks for your thoughts chops. How are you traveling? Are you booked in for any scans or appointments?

I come crashing down with each period too sammy. I seem to hold on to a glimmer of hope that it could happen each cycle (even though it's been 4 years of nothing!) and so when my period comes, I come crashing down and am filled with dsiappointment and despair, let alone any natural hormonal crash on top. Has your period actually arrived yet? Out of curiosity, how long before your period arrives does your temp drop? I always struggled to get an accurate result when temping but am curious how much earlier this method lets you know if a cycle has worked or not.

Hi shell, no it hasn't arrived yet but I know it will. My temp has been 36.6 ish since ov, yesterday it dropped to 36.44 and today is 36.26. Af will arrive later today or over night tonight. So I guess I get two days extra warning. I don't know if it would work on an IVF cycle though because of the drugs... I would ask the consultant but for some reason they seem to hate temping!

I wish IVF was this month. Seems pointless waiting another four weeks! Xx

Nah don't temp on your ivf Sammy it'll just be another thing to worry about when you'll have enough drug regime to think about.

shell how am I travelling?! Is that Oz for how am I doing, wasn't aware I was going anywhere! I guess it's a journey of sorts though lol! I have my 12 week scan on June 9th, feels like an age getting this far! Been nauseous but not sick so I guess I can count my lucky stars on that one! Thanks for asking :-) x

Is it odd that I'm jealous of your nausea chops?! Lol.

So af has arrive and FF has my next af due date as 28th June. The clinic have it down as 26th June and have my scans booked in around that... Should I call and update them tomorrow? Xx

Must feel like a relief to get to 12 weeks chops. Have you been worried about miscarriage up to this point after all the effort it took you to get pregnant? I will be a nervous wreck up until 12 weeks after having researched so much about IVF and knowing the percentage of eggs that are genetically abnormal at my age, and especially since I had an early miscarriage after my last transfer.

That's very accurate sammy when you can tell it hasn't worked if your temp drops by just two tenths of a degree. I think you're right that the progesterone I'll be on in the IVF 2ww will mess with temping. Besides, if this IVF did not work, I want to try the forget and it will happen method and buying a thermometer would not be a step in that direction. Not that I am sure exactly how I am supposed to forget when this is something I desperately want, when I see other young siblings playing and it breaks my heart that DS is growing up alone and when I'll get my period every month as a reminder! Lucky I'm eating the IVF high protein low carb diet to give me 80% IVF success rate so this last IVF is going to work so I needn't worry. (Convincing myself here!)

Yes Shell, no point in you getting a thermometer I'd say.... It def does not help you forget about ttc!

Could you tell me about the high protein IVF success thing? I think my diet is too carb heavy. Xx

This link says that a high protein (greater than 25% of daily diet) increases preg rate from 31 to 66%. I can't seem to find the article that I originally read which said that when carbs were also reduced to less than 40% in addition to greater than 25% protein, the preg rate went up again to 80%.

But be warned, there are also studies online like this one that shows a study of mice that were fed a greater than 25% protein diet and had significantly more trouble getting pregnant and if they did get pregnant, having more trouble staying pregnant.

Two studies showing two opposite results! Very confusing!. So I just want to share both sides of the story so you can make your own decision. I have personally decided to try the high protein diet and will see how I get on with my IVF next cycle.

Was the first study also done on nice? Or actual people? (Will read them properly later on).... Because I imagine a mouses natural diet is supposed to be low protein surely?!

Anyway I've been low protein for 19 cycles and it hasn't worked so it's worth a try.... Now just to decide on what protein I can eat... I'm not a great meat lover really Xx

Mice not nice!!

Yes shell petrified of miscarriage after so long TTC! Constantly on knicker watch and worrying about every niggle and twinge! Feeling more confident now at 11w that I might just have this baby! Me and dh only ever wanted one child, does that make us bad not wanting a sibling? Me and dh grew up with siblings. I guess its selfish on our part, the convenience of one child. Not having to go to 2 different nurseries/schools... There is also now the fact that making babies does not come easy for us. I can't bear the thought of TTC all over again. And I really don't want to experience copious weeks of nausea and tiredness again!

Sammy sorry for AF. Me and dh did a low carb diet for quite a while present bfp. We didn't measure % of it though. I just cooked meaty dishes with chickpeas and stuff and we didn't have spuds with every meal! In fact barely ate potato or chips, and zero pasta for many months except the odd pub grub. We had chicken breast stuffed with courgette and cheese with roast veg (inc some sweet potato cubes, lower carb), Moroccan lamb stew with chickpeas. There are loads of tasty recipes out there. Most of ours came from the Hairy dieters books.

Thanks Chops, I'm going to see if I can get that book on my kindle!

I understand what you mean about mc, I think I'll be terrified if I ever get a bfp. Can't believe your 11 weeks though, that's home so fast (probably not for you!!) xx

I don't think it's selfish of you to only want one child chops. I am happy for you that you still feel this way because as you say, it won't be easy to produce a second and any medical help won't be funded by the NHS.

sammy, the first study was done on actual women undergoing IVF and because I'm undergoing IVF, I thought this was the study I should base my decision on. The second study on mice says that high protein builds up ammonia in the reproductive tract and makes implantation more difficult. So just in case this applies to humans too, I plan to stop the high protein as soon as EC has taken place. Hopefully the ammonia will disappear quickly enough before it's time for embryo transfer 3-5 days later?

I understand the dilemma of not being a big meat eater - I was vegetarian since age 14 but have managed to add fish to my diet. I start the day with a home made protein shake and will often have a tin of tuna for lunch.

Good plan shell, that's interesting about the ammonia! Well I'm doing ok with the lower carbs so far... Although I did have a jacket potato for lunch yesterday which was a bit naughty!

Victoria - not everyone has to have a football team! I'm glad you won't have to worry about making a dc2, you'll be able to fully enjoy dc1! Xx

That's the trouble with this diet sammy (or IVF in general. Any other person would be able to eat a potato and not give it a second thought, while we feel terribly guilty. I've been doing it since my second failed IVF mid 2014 - minus the odd bad day here and there - so you can imagine how sick of it I am. Only about 10 days to go until my IVF cycles starts so I need to stay strong now. These last few days before an IVF cycle always drag out the longest... especially because I am a poor responder and always anxious to have my day 2 scan over with to see if I have enough follicles to proceed.

I bet this cycle is going to go glacial slow for you sammy now that you are counting down to IVF next cycle.

10 days!!! My fingers are so tightly crossed for you :). How many do you need to proceed?

Yeah, it is going slow... Thankfully we have a fair bit going on this month to keep me busy, but every second I'm not entertained I'm running through every possible scenario in my head. Appointment in 17 days, AF due in 22 then we begin! Xx