Infertility meltdown

[HappyAmbler]

Hello ladies

I'm a long time lurker and very occasional poster.

This is really just a rant as I'm feeling so utterly shit this evening - hence the title (was crying when I started writing this ). My DH is asleep upstairs as he has to work tomorrow.

This is my third cycle of clomid and AF has just arrived. We have been ttc #1 for 19 months although in that time I've had 22 cycles.

I'm just feeling totally lost as I was only prescribed three months of clomid, and my next appointment at the NHS fertility clinic isn't until mid Feb - so I'm basically going to have two wasted cycles in between.

We still don't really know what the problem is. DH and I are both 31, his SA was normal, my blood tests and ultrasound were normal, my cycles are pretty regular and I'm fairly certain I ovulate every month (temp rise). The only possible factor is my post ovulation (day 21) progesterone levels are 'borderline'. i.e. they indicate ovulation has occurred but not high enough to sustain pregnancy.

I really thought the clomid would 'fix' this seemingly minor problem. And it has in the sense that my post ovulation progesterone levels have been higher, and my luteal phase has been longer, but I'm still not bloody well up the duff

Apparently the next step is HSG - feeling stupid for not insisting this was done before I started the clomid, but I was so convinced the clomid would work...

I guess I'm just starting to panic now. If we don't know what the problem is, how the hell can it be fixed??

Thanks very much if you've got this far. I'm not sure why I'm posting, just needed to get this off my chest I guess. I don't know anyone in RL who's going through this, so it's just helpful to know there are others out there.

Shell I don't think one bag of chips will hurt... Just not every night

What does having 38 follies mean? Sorry, bit clueless here! Xx

At the start of each cycle, you have follicles on your ovaries. As the cycle progresses, only the few strongest will grow until the strongest one will become dominant and release your egg for that cycle. When you are young, your ovaries are full of eggs and your ovaries are bursting with lots of these follicles at the start of each cycle. As you get older and your egg supply diminishes, you start with less and less follicles on your ovaries. 38 follicles is absolutely heaps. I am 37 and in a natural cycle, I usually start with 5-6.

Yes, you are right, one bag of chips won't do too much harm. Although I do think I've given in to a few cravings here and there lately. With my IVF cycle starting next week, I've had a good talk to myself and was perfect yesterday. See how I go today.

Thank you for explaining Shell, I'm feeling totally list at the moment.
Annoyed too as on cd17 and looking at my temps I haven't ovd yet. I didn't know EPO delayed ov or a wouldn't have taken it. My cycles were fine, regular 28/29 days before! So cross with myself and worried ov isn't even going to happen this cycle. X

I didn't know that EPO delays ovulation sammy. I tried it too in the past as I produce extremely little/no EWCM and I read that EPO helps in this department. It didn't seem to make an iota of difference for me so I stopped it. Is that the reason you take it? I can imagine with 38 follicles, you'd be producing lots of estrogen anyway and wouldn't have this issue like me?

What day do your normally ovulate? I tried temping but found it impossible. Maybe my thermometer was not sensitive enough because the temps were all over the place. I now use the cheap OPK tests to detect my LH sure and that seems much easier.

Shell I never see any ewcm which is why I started taking it alongside grapefruit juice (bleugh!), but it's made no difference! Am not taking it again. Yeah a couple of people on one of the conception threads said the same thing about ov being delayed so I guess it does.

I like temping because I 100% know if I have ovd or not... After having a 43 day cycle back in October and convincing myself I was pg I will do anything to avoid that again! Did you have a thermometer with 2 decimal places? Xx

Oh and ov has been confirmed as cd16 by ff... Before EPO this was more like cd14! X

Yes, I too was skulling grapefruit juice in the lead up to ovulation but also no difference! Frustrating when everyone else comments how well it works for them. Yes, my thermometer does have 2 decimal places. First I temped orally but when the results were up and down all over the place I tried vaginally after reading that was more accurate. But then I couldn't hear the beep when the temp was ready to be read! I am about to do my last IVF cycle since I can't afford it anymore and if this doesn't work, I want to try the 'forget and it will happen' method, so I'm happy to give up on temping anyway.

Glad you at least had ovulation confirmed.

Well I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you that the IVF works and you don't need the relaxed method. Xx

Thanks sammy. Very sweet of you to be thinking of me and wishing me well amidst your own dramas. I don't really mention anything to hubby as I just try to have a normal relationship rather than me venting out my daily IVF thoughts. And I don't tell people in real life when doing an IVF cycle as it just puts extra pressure on me to have to report back with an outcome. So this is the place I come for blabbing out all that's on my mind and the support I receive on here really means a lot.

So your recent ovulation was from the same cycle where you had the hyscosy done? I really hope that procedure has made the difference. I know your Dr said probably not since everything was normal anyway and they didn't flush out any blockages. At least you can know you have a plan B in place with the ball now rolling for IVF. Have you arranged anything further to go privately or are you just trying a la naturale for the time being?

Thanks She'll - it would be amazing if we fell naturally before the IVF begins... I think I would be in shock if it did!

We don't have a start date or anything yet, waiting for the nursing team to contact us. We have to get HIV bloods done so going to sort that out next week when we get back from a weekend away but it's just au natural this cycle. Xx

Shock alright sammy. I'll even be in shock if it works with IVF, let alone natural. I went for a day 2 scan today and I only had 7 follicles. I used to only have 5-8 but I since learned that if I take Aspirin and DHEA in the lead up to an IVF cycle, then I started with 15, 16 and then 19 for my last 3 cycles. So I did the same prep for this cycle but this time only 7 follicles. Blah. So after getting all mentally geared up to go, I am now waiting one more cycle in the hope that this is just a bad month and I have more follicles at the start of next cycle.

I hope you have a lovely weekend away sammy. Glad you and hubby are enjoying time together still. I assume you decided to go private when you say you are waiting for the nursing team to contact you. I hope all goes well. We might be cycling together after all at my rate!

Oh Shell, rubbish! Fx for more follies next cycle. What did the clinic say about there being less?

Yes we've gone privately. Found out that we can have one private cycle without losing our nhs entitlement and my grandparents have very very kindly offered to help us out with the costs.

If we're cycling together then at least we'll have each other's hand to hold through the process. Xx

Okay, so one private cycle then sammy. I hope that's all you need. If not, I hope that the timing works out so that when your private cycle ends, your funded cycle is not too far away and you have a plan B ready to go.

I don't think I'll be able to hold your hand - I feel like I need a straight jacket!
I thought I had an IVF preparation plan that ensured I start with normal follicle numbers and it's worked for four IVF cycles. I wasn't nervous in the lead up to this IVF because I just assumed it would work again.

But now that is hasn't worked this cycle, it's going to be a long, nervous 4 week wait until day two of next cycle to see if this was just a one off bad month or if I just can't produce that many any more because my fertility is falling off a cliff.

I didn't yet get the clinics opinion. My nurse wasn't in at the time of the scan. I left a message for her that I would like to wait to see if I have a better start next cycle. The nurse left a message on my voice mail asking me to call back. I will call her Monday.

Oh Shell - I get it, must be awful just waiting. I don't think you need a straight jacket though.... If you do then I definitely do as this is my first round and I already know I'm going to be a mental person with all the waiting!
I'm booked in for the end if June so have one more cycle au natural after this one. Xx

shell sorry about the follicles :-( I hope next month there are more. Any news on dp's sperm results after his illness? Won't his illness affect the ones 3 months after?

Sammy have a great holiday luv! X

Thanks chops

Sounds like you won't be too far behind me then Sammy, since my next cycle will start around mid June.

Got DH's sperm results back chopsface. Despite his cold, his count was higher than ever, his motility was normal and he even had 1% normal morphology instead of the usual 0%.

So it's all waiting on my ovaries to co-operate now. I've done my IVF supplement preparation regime for four cycles prior and have always started with 15-19 follicles instead of the usual 5-8 without this preparation. So I wasn't nervous in the lead up to this cycle as I just assumed it would work again. But now that it didn't, and knowing I turn 38 in July, I am very very nervous that my fertility is taking a nose dive and that's why it didn't work this time, rather than it just being a one off bad month. So it's going to be a very long month while I wait until my day 2 scan next cycle to see if this is the case.

Forgot to change from chopsface again, but you guys know it's me don't you?

Sammy I'm so glad I can keep in touch with you here after my banishment from 'bumsnet' you're one of the ones I care about on there. The glittery comment was the last straw after thinking it was all over. I'm not sure how many people read it before it was deleted but I wish it was there for all to read so everyone knows how bloody spiteful and mean it was. Plus you told me to f off on the fb page so I've had to leave there too. What a hoohaa.

shell yay for morphology! 1% is better than 0%! Long may it continue!

shell in case you were wondering what I was on about to Sammy... I still pop into my old ttc thread to see how the guys are getting on. I accidentally made a reference to being pregnant which is 'banned' from chat so it caused a massive uproar from certain extra bitter members. So now I'm accused of being insensitive and thoughtless and a completely awful human being and I'm to f off back to the antenatal threads where I belong, there is no place for me on a ttc thread. There is prob no place for me on an infertility thread either but I still lurk for support and advice to my friends left behind, because I'm a caring person. Although I'm beginning to doubt myself after the torrent of abuse of the last 24 hours. :-(

Chops/Victoria - I'm glad you're on here too. I'm so torn about the ttc bumsnet thread as there are lots of people on there that I want to keep chatting too, but I can't stand all the arguing. I def don't need that when we start the stress of IVF! But somehow I can't leave them...

Fwiw your comment didn't bother me, and I think the whole thing got out of hand. Off out for dinner now so will catch up properly later. Xx

Geepers chop/vic. I can imagine some women being bitter and I even have trouble seeing pregnancy bellies in the street. But you've been where we are and know what it's like. Sounds like a horrid thread with lots of arguing in general. Forget them. You are more than welcome here.

Sooo... after my day 2 scan showing only 7 follicles, I decided to wait just one more cycle to try again. I usually take DHEA and Aspirin for 2 months prior to IVF and have always had 15-19 follicles in the past, so I was hoping this month was just a one off bad month with only 7. But I've now been reading about DHEA and how some brands are pretty rubbish. I just buy what ever is cheap at the time on ebay and when I researched the brand I am currently taking, two people said their blood levels did not rise on this brand. So I am off to ask my Dr for a script so I know I am getting the real deal. But that means I would have to wait another two months before starting IVF! I am about to turn 38 in July, I have been TTC since I was 34 and am scared as anything at how 4 years have just passed by and that if it doesn't happen in the next few months I will be too old. So I really just want to try next month and am feeling a bit of dread about what to do. The thought of waiting two months is torturous.

Shell - great news on the improved sperm, that's got to help right?
Why does getting a prescription mean you have to wait an extra month? Is it getting an appointment that is the problem?

Victoria - how are you feeling now? I saw on the antenatal thread (which I like to stalk!) that you're having trouble sleeping?

I'm currently 10dpo and really had my heart set on being one of those women who get a bfp straight after the HyCoSy... Even though the dr said it was unlikely to make a difference as my tubes were all open and clear anyway. Doesn't feel like it's going to happen though, I feel mildly crampy which is normal pre af for me :(. Xx

Shell, that's great about the improved sperm count - I hope your DH sees it that way too, it means his vitamin regime is doing some good! And I hope the DHEA prescription improves things for you - oh dear, this TTC really is expensive isn't it? Not only do we have to buy extra stuff, but it has to be the better quality, dearer stuff too

I'll still have my fingers crossed for you Sammy, it might be next cycle that the op makes a difference, not this one - as far as I understand your body has to settle down a little bit from it (I had it and didn't enjoy it at all!). In the meantime though I hope you had a lovely holiday

I don't read the TTC thread you've mentioned Victoria (or chops!) and now I'm glad I don't..... was it really necessary for them to be that horrible when presumably you were only there to offer support anyway?! It's not like you getting your BFP means you don't want anyone else to get one!! Surely a polite "we're happy for you but this isn't the thread to discuss pregnancy" would have done. When Shell and Sammy get their BFPs I definitely want to know, either on this thread or another one!

Thanks Ruby, maybe that's true. I have one more month after this before starting IVF so there's a chance.

The ttc thread thing was all sorted between the original commenter and Victoria, the others jumped in and blew it out of all proportion. It's very sad as there are some lovely helpful people over there.

Holiday has been good thank you, checking out soon but flights not till this evening so we're going shopping! Xx

Yes my apology was accepted by the person I offended about an hour later, it was a few others that wouldn't let it drop until into the late evening and lots of abuse hurling until MNHQ had to intervene twice! I was very upset that one tiny fly away unthought out comment caused 24 hours of upset to so many people :-(

Sammy are you sure it was me not sleeping? I'm out like a light these days lol! It's great!

Hi ruby! How's the blood pressure?