Infertility meltdown

[HappyAmbler]

Hello ladies

I'm a long time lurker and very occasional poster.

This is really just a rant as I'm feeling so utterly shit this evening - hence the title (was crying when I started writing this ). My DH is asleep upstairs as he has to work tomorrow.

This is my third cycle of clomid and AF has just arrived. We have been ttc #1 for 19 months although in that time I've had 22 cycles.

I'm just feeling totally lost as I was only prescribed three months of clomid, and my next appointment at the NHS fertility clinic isn't until mid Feb - so I'm basically going to have two wasted cycles in between.

We still don't really know what the problem is. DH and I are both 31, his SA was normal, my blood tests and ultrasound were normal, my cycles are pretty regular and I'm fairly certain I ovulate every month (temp rise). The only possible factor is my post ovulation (day 21) progesterone levels are 'borderline'. i.e. they indicate ovulation has occurred but not high enough to sustain pregnancy.

I really thought the clomid would 'fix' this seemingly minor problem. And it has in the sense that my post ovulation progesterone levels have been higher, and my luteal phase has been longer, but I'm still not bloody well up the duff

Apparently the next step is HSG - feeling stupid for not insisting this was done before I started the clomid, but I was so convinced the clomid would work...

I guess I'm just starting to panic now. If we don't know what the problem is, how the hell can it be fixed??

Thanks very much if you've got this far. I'm not sure why I'm posting, just needed to get this off my chest I guess. I don't know anyone in RL who's going through this, so it's just helpful to know there are others out there.

I know how it feels hun. I just Wang to give up when af starts. But we still plod on. Don't blame yourself though as its not your fault! You're the same as me, has a dh with slightly poor sperm. But its not totally duff, there is still a chance each month, it just may take longer. Don't give up.

Well as for me, the early ov pain was just that, early ov! I got a half heartedly semi + opk on cd12 and then got fainter 13 and 14. Only dtd cd11 and 13. Don't know whether that was it or false alarm. I wasn't painful enough to be actual ov. I do get less painful months but not for many many months now, so long that I'd forgotten! Oh well. 2ww it is then (plus countdown to dreaded 35th)

You are more than allowed to wallow sammy. That is what this is for. In fact, it's actually reassuring to hear other people feeling deflated and depressed as it makes us feel not so alone.

I only ever get half hearted + OPK's too victoria. Not sure what that's about. What's the dreaded 35th?

It's cycle day 24 for me here. After my last IVF embryo transfer, I had definite pregnancy feeling that started on day 24 and lasted for a few days before it disappeared and I miscarried. So now that's my benchmark - waiting for day 24 to see if I get the same pregnant feeling. But no pregnant feeling today, despite cancelling IVF egg collection this cycle and ovulating 3 eggs. Big surprise - NOT!

Doh. Because we were talking about cycle days, I was wondering why your cycle day 35 is significant. But just realised you are referring to your birthday.

Haha! Yes its my 35th birthday in 2 weeks :-) same day as my bfp of course ;-)

How horrible that your dh's sperm couldn't have stepped up to the mark this month for you. I wonder why some sperm refuse to be improved. They were obviously ok once as you produced a child together. What changed?!

Thank you Victoria and Shell. I'll be alright, just got to focus on the appointment now and work out what I want/need to ask. Xx

I don't get it either victoria as to what happened with DH's sperm. To add to it my periods used to be really irregular - 18 days then 35 days. Yet I still managed to get him after a year of trying. Was blissfully ignorant back then and didn't realise that means I'm not ovulating regularly. It just seems a miracle that one sperm happened to be good enough on the one cycle I ovulated. But knowing that he is a miracle doesn't reduce the pain I feel in wanting a sibling for him. Found out DH's brother and wife are expecting again last night. They are the last on his side to produce a second child so it really was a stab in the heart. Then my period showed up just to confirm that of the 3 eggs, nothing happened. Had sex with DH last night as I figure it must be good for our hormones and DH's sperm to have regular sex and want to do everything to make our last IVF work. But I just had tears running down my face in the dark and was trying to cry quietly! Not very romantic for me at all - this infertility sure puts and end to that. Anyway, just wanted to rant about that to get it off my chest and hopefully today I will feel better.

victoria, I will be 38 early July after IVF cycle commencing start of June so it looks like we will both be getting BFPs for our birthday! At the very least, I hope you get a normal baseline scan as your present with no large follicles.

So catch me up Sammy. When is your appointment? Is it to arrange an IVF cycle? Do you have any idea what is causing your trouble?

Hi shell, I have ultrasound on 15th April and then the appointment is at the end of the month. We have no idea what's wrong. Dh first SA was borderline low morph, but the second one was fine.
I don't think we will get IVF sorted as you need to be trying 2 years here, but I want all other tests done quickly, no more 4 month waits! Xx

Also shell, so sorry for the baby announcement. Dhs brother had a baby last summer and the other one recently got married so I'm expecting them to announce fairly soon, and here we are 18 months down the line with no baby or even bump to show for it. Xx

We were referred before the 2 year mark but that's because we initially had the wrong sperm results given to us so we thought we had 0% chance of conceiving. That was a bloody awful time for us! It was 4 or 5 months before we found out the mistake from some poxy "we're so sorry" letter. I had my ultrasound last April and we got our first fertility clinic appointment in September (we were referred in June/July but as the GP forgot to send our notes we didn't get an appointment sooner-always keep phoning and checking where things are in the system!). When is your 2 year mark? too thick to work out

So yes, at my clinic there was about a 6 week wait for an appointment (you can call and ask how long the wait is from referral - they are usually very kind understanding people). Our first appointment was with a nurse who went through all our tests and notes and gave me another ultrasound. I was booked in for a HSG next cycle and made an appointment with the consultant a week after that. We were then given masses of paperwork to fill out (medical history, criminal records etc! to deem our suitability for parenthood). The consultant appointment was quick and we were offered treatment that appointment! From referral things will move fast!

Oh yes victoria. I too have had to do the criminal records thing to deem our suitability as parents. Meanwhile, DH's other brother announced they too are expecting again today. Him and his partner have cuts all up and down their arms from self harm. She just got out of hospital for cutting her legs so deep they had to suture internally and externally. They are flat broke and just loaned more money from us. Yet no parent suitability check there! Going to avoid these couples between now and IVF so I am not spending days afterward filled with resentment. Can't be good for IVF. But does feel like it puts more pressure on me that this last IVF I can afford ABSOLUTELY MUST work as I don't know how I will cope with these family members otherwise.

The waiting is the worst part isn't it sammy. One cycle is long enough in this game let alone 4 months! I hope you get answers at your appointment, or at least give you the next steps to take so you feel like something proactive is being done to help you. How long until you've been trying 2 years? This Sep will be 4 years for me.

Hi both, my 2 year mark will be October, although I think I'll be able to get away with September.

The local clinic has a 4 week wait for NHS patients, but I'm not sure at what point we would be referred there. So far tests (eg ultrasound/bloods) have been under the consultant at the hospital? Xx

Is it a gynae or fertility consultant you've been seeing so far Sammy? All my tests and my referral was done by my GP. Who sorted out your partners samples? The same person?

Gp sorted dhs SA and most of my bloods, then the hospital advised a couple of extra bloods (done at gps) and arranged the ultrasound for the 15th April.

The SA was done at the local fertility clinic, but I'm ultrasound is at the hospital, it's the women's and children's department and his signature says gynaecologist. Just read the letter again and it says next step is HyCoSy... But not sure where that would be done. X

I'm in Australia so cant help you sammy with how the NHS system works but I do notice from others on here that it is frustratingly slow. Is the HyCoSy the same as what Australia calls a hysterosalpingogram/HSG where they flush dye through the tubes?

Well, after my whinging about DH's brothers pregnancy announcement, DH's other brother and partner also announced they are pregnant again. This is his 4th child and her 3rd. They are flat broke, just 'permanently borrowed' money from us again, both smoke, both have psychological issues and do self harm, she just got out of hospital for cuts to her leg so deep they sutured both inside and outside her leg, and she is in and out of stays at the mental clinic. So it really stings that they can conceive again and yet we are both working to want to provide for our children, yet we can't.

I will avoid DH's family now in the lead up to and during my last IVF but it really puts pressure on me that this last IVF ABSOLUTELY MUST work as I can't take this feeling of resentment any longer and can't avoid them forever. But then I worry that this extra pressure that this IVF HAS to work is only adding stress hormones to my body and probably having the opposite effect!

Blahhhh to all the absolute crap.

Shell that is crap no other way to describe it.
Good plan to avoid them, I think id do the same.

Yes I think the procedures are pretty similar except 1 uses X-ray and the other uses something else.... Not sure which way round?? Xx

Oh my god shell, its so unfair. They'd never have passed the suitable parenting forms! Why do good things never happen to good people :-( Watched this god awful program last night where there were these 3 men who had fathered loads of kids by loads of women. One guy thought he had over 40! Most of them were in care or in prison. Another one had been fathering kids since he was 14 and refused to believe they are his as his sperm can't possibly work in his teens. Stupid arogant scrotes! Wound me right up!

Hope you're all ok girls and have nice things planned for the Easter break. X

I'll join in the ranting about unsuitable people who have kids….. the horrid couple next door have nine between them, including one living in the shed at the bottom of their garden!! They are such scroungers, we can't leave anything lying around in the garden in case it's gone next time we look for it. This includes them taking all the decent soil we'd bought for bedding plants…..

Sammy, I had an HSG and that was done at the (larger) local hospital ultrasound, rather than the (smaller) local hospital fertility dept which had no specialist facilities. It was fine, bit uncomfortable - think period pain! - but fine, they just recommend taking it easy and having paracetamol for the pain if you need it. I think they also gave me antibiotics just in case.

Not much new from me, still in confusion over when my next consultant appointment will be (possibly next week, if the hospital ever confirm it!) and whether I need more IVF meds; I run out of the estradiol tablets tomorrow but have enough progesterone gel for another fortnight, not sure why the clinic managed it like that! Saw my GP today and she's prescribed another two weeks' worth of estradiol to take me to 12 weeks' pregnancy before I finish both.

Hope you all have a lovely weekend with lots of chocolate - and Shell, stay away from DH's family, definitely more stress than you need!!

Always lovely to chat to you girls on here. Anyone else would think I am a jealous cow for saying I am resentful of this pregnant couple. It's so nice to come on here and have people who understand. Last night hubby tells me his mum has organised a family get together for today. Haven't come up with an excuse yet but definitely not going to that. It's only going to build my resentment and that can't be good for IVF.

Ruby, it feels like so much longer than 12 weeks that you've been pregnant - or 8 weeks since your BFP. Perhaps time is just going glacial slow for me as it tends to when suffering infertility and counting down to the next treatment plan. I do appreciate you keeping me updated on your meds. My clinic does not do the estradiol after EC and the study I read that showed improved pregnancy rates did not say how long to take it. So I am learning from you. Do you take the progesterone once or twice a day? Is it Crinone brand?

Thank you Ruby, guess I'll find out in a few weeks!
We're off on holiday tomorrow so probably won't be around much for a week or so, good luck to all those with appointments and will do my best to catch up when I get back. Xx

Enjoy your holiday sammy. Nice to have a holiday to forget all this and fill in the time while waiting for appointments/.

Have a wonderful holiday Sammy and keep off MN and relax x x

Happy Easter everyone

Sammy, hope you are having an amazing holiday!

Yes, I'm still on the progesterone gel as well Shell - it's Crinone and I use it once a day. My GP was quite specific in thinking I should take both till I'm 12 weeks (I'm almost 11 weeks), I couldn't get a definitive answer from the IVF clinic although perhaps it would be easier if I could pop in and ask, rather than relying on messages from reception staff to nurses.

Nothing else to report from me, although on another subject, OH wants me to change my surname to his neither of us want to get married but he'd like me, him and the kids to all have the same surname. I was married many years ago, only for a couple of years, but kept my married surname as TBH I couldn't stand my maiden name; it doesn't go with my first name at all, no idea what my parents were thinking! I'm considering the change but still not sure…..

Thanks for your input on your meds Ruby. My clinic gives Crinone for progesterone supplementation as well. So I shall start the estrogen the night of EC and the Crinone the following day - both until week 12 - that is being positive and assuming I will be pregnant!

My sister isn't married and has a 5 month old. It's actually her that wants to get married as she feels wants her son to have her surname. It seems a decision that only you can make so I am not offering any advice except to say good luck with your decision.

You might as well get married ruby! Quickie down the registry office, couple of witnesses. You don't need to have a 'wedding' to get married. Have you been watching the supervet? That bloody woman on there the other week whose dog needed a life saving op. "ooo I had my savings put aside for my huge spectacular wedding but now I'll have to do without the flowers so my dog can live" whoop de doo. Selfish cow. A wedding is about the couple not the fanciest cake and biggest bouquet in the poshest hotel. Make it official. Mum and dad down the reg, tell your friends and family afterwards!

Hi girls, still on holiday (and having a fab time) but wanted to re mark my place so I don't lose you all! Xx