Infertility meltdown

[HappyAmbler]

Hello ladies

I'm a long time lurker and very occasional poster.

This is really just a rant as I'm feeling so utterly shit this evening - hence the title (was crying when I started writing this ). My DH is asleep upstairs as he has to work tomorrow.

This is my third cycle of clomid and AF has just arrived. We have been ttc #1 for 19 months although in that time I've had 22 cycles.

I'm just feeling totally lost as I was only prescribed three months of clomid, and my next appointment at the NHS fertility clinic isn't until mid Feb - so I'm basically going to have two wasted cycles in between.

We still don't really know what the problem is. DH and I are both 31, his SA was normal, my blood tests and ultrasound were normal, my cycles are pretty regular and I'm fairly certain I ovulate every month (temp rise). The only possible factor is my post ovulation (day 21) progesterone levels are 'borderline'. i.e. they indicate ovulation has occurred but not high enough to sustain pregnancy.

I really thought the clomid would 'fix' this seemingly minor problem. And it has in the sense that my post ovulation progesterone levels have been higher, and my luteal phase has been longer, but I'm still not bloody well up the duff

Apparently the next step is HSG - feeling stupid for not insisting this was done before I started the clomid, but I was so convinced the clomid would work...

I guess I'm just starting to panic now. If we don't know what the problem is, how the hell can it be fixed??

Thanks very much if you've got this far. I'm not sure why I'm posting, just needed to get this off my chest I guess. I don't know anyone in RL who's going through this, so it's just helpful to know there are others out there.

And as soon as it was all go, it wasn't! Baseline scan on cd3 revealed a follicle already measuring 11.5 and lining was at 4.5. I needed to have no follicles over 10 and a lining under 4.0. Shitbags. So that's it. Come back next month :-(

That's rubbish Victoria, and so close to the recommendations too. Do you go back earlier next month? Or is there something you can do to help it? Xx

Sorry to hear that victoria, what a let down! As sammy asked, is there anything they can recommend to change things? Good news about DH's SA though, at least you have a better chance of a natural BFP!!

Any news from you shell? I know three eggs seems like not a lot but really, quality over quantity, and the doctors only need one to work their magic

Midwife appointment went ok today; filled in lots of paperwork, had loads of blood taken, now waiting for my consultant appointment (I'll have extra monitoring because it's twins). Although my midwife said it would be "ASAP" of course she can't actually tell me when, I have to wait for a letter!! I had to go to the doctors as well as my blood pressure was a bit high, but by the time I'd waited half an hour for my appointment it was ok again - she wants to see me in a fortnight if I haven't had my consultant appointment by then.

Shell, my frozen embryos are in the freezer for a year courtesy of the NHS, but only because of where we live….. we can pay ourselves after that (£350 per year) but other health authorities don't pay for that at all. Talk about postcode lottery!

Oh no victoria. Did the Dr's/nurses give you any reason as to why you have a follicle at 11.5 on CD3? I've had large follicles on my ovary when I have had day 2/3 scans and they refer to them as a cyst - when a follicle from a previous cycle hasn't ruptured. Could this help to explain your erratic cycles and be contributing to your not conceiving. I am glad you are being monitored now if this is a regular occurrence. But it would be nice if they would offer you some advice. What if you go back next month and it's the same situation?

I am back in the waiting game with victoria. Of my 3 follicles, one was large at 19 and the other two were smaller at 14 and 15. I found out my estrogen levels were not that high, indicating the two smaller ones probably don't have a mature follicle. The Dr really recommended cancelling so I decided to cancel. This is the last IVF I can afford and I didn't think I stood a chance with one mature egg. I stopped DHEA in Nov 14 but now my follicle count has really dropped. Ordered more online so I will start taking it again. Just frustrating that it takes two months to kick in. So it's going to be a long wait before I can try again. Meanwhile I feel like my eggs are fast aging. Grr.

Glad your appointment went well Ruby. So you get a year free for your frosties then you pay. I guess you have no idea what you want to do with them. If my next IVF works, I will feel like my family is complete, but if I had frosties I still wouldn't want to dispose of them just in case, knowing it can never happen naturally and how much effort it took me to create them.

Sorry to hear everyone's having a tough time with cancelled treatments and unexpected results. Before starting ttc I naively thought that IVF was just a case of taking out the egg and fertilising it and putting it back in, job done! I'll have so much to learn if this is the route we have to go down! Xx

shell I'm actually glad you've cancelled this cycle if there was no chance in hell of it working. Don't feel bad about doing it. It needs to be right.

ruby pleased things are moving along nicely and you've seen a midwife. How many weeks are u now? How often are they going to scan u?

Sammy there is a hell of a lot to learn! I've gradually come to understand all these terms that sounded like gobbledegook when I first joined the 'infertility' sector! Wish I could magic my mind back to the innocent naive days of thinking I'd stop the pill and get preg from having sex with my husband a few times in the middle of the month. Infertility was something that happened to other people!

I got no reason why I might have a large follicle, just that 'it had been recruited for this cycle already'. Don'tkknow why my lining hadn't gone down enough either. It wasn't a massively heavy af, sure was painful tho! I should have asked if a cyst looks different to the big black hole of my follicle! I had a folli of 16 when I went on around cd10 once though. Related? I did have 6 days of ov type pain last cycle starting from cd10, related?! Who knows. I'll be going again next month around April 14th, stuff the fact that we have our holiday, I'll be in the 2ww and just on progesterone pesseries which I can take with me.

I could be wrong victoria but I couldn't imagine a follicle being recruited that early for this cycle already. At day 2/3 the follicles are usually around 2/4mm and then they grow on average of 2mm a day. It makes sense that the ovarian type pain that lasted 6 days last cycle would be related - really sounds like something was going on with your ovary/hormones and has left this unruptured follicle/cyst. Do your cycles vary greatly in length. i will be interested to hear what happens this cycle as usually when I had a cyst on my day 2/3 scan (usually after all the drugs of an IVF cycle) then I wouldn't have a normal cycle that cycle. Is this progesterone just something you are doing yourself this cycle to help you fall pregnant naturally, or is that something you have been instructed to do in preparation for IUI next cycle?

Thanks victoria for saying that you are actually glad I've cancelled. Somehow it did reassure me and make me feel a bit better that I have made the right choice. I've been in tears on and off today. It feels just as painful as when I go through a complete cycle and the embryo doesn't take. I still started this cycle with a glimmer of hope of being pregnant and it still hasn't happened. The hardest part is that I have to wait two cycles now while I restart Aspirin and DHEA and wait for it to take effect so I can try again.

I got no explanation whatsoever. Just googled other ladies experiences of having a larger follie at baseline scans. Some were told they were left over and were gone at the next scan after going ahead, some said they were put on bc for a week to shrink them and then went ahead with cycles. Some went back next month and were fine. So fingers crossed. April 14th, 35th birthday, here we come!

Oh and its May we will be on Hol. In the possible 2ww of the next iui so will be on progesterone then.

Oh okay, so you take progesterone with an IUI too. My birthday is July 7th, but I am turning 38. Yuk for my eggs. Waiting two cycles for DHEA to do it's thing then starting IVF around start of June. So it had better bloomin well work or my birthday at the end of a failed cycle to commemorate my eggs having aged another year is just not something I can tolerate.

My ovaries were fine too when I went back the following month Victoria if it's any reassurance. Still, it's disappointing that you were not given any explanation or reassurance but just sent on your way for a month. For what it's worth, I've read studies of women going ahead with IVF when they had a cyst at the start of the cycle, and the studies show compromised egg quality compared to women who did IVF without a cyst/follicle. So it does make sense to wait one cycle to make sure you start without a cyst and get the best quality egg and the best chance possible for your IUI.

Hi Shell, how are you feeling now? I agree with Victoria by the way, it doesn't sound like you had much of a choice other than to cancel this cycle - far better to make sure you're in tip top condition for the next one! As horrible and stressful as it is waiting, better to do that than waste your money if there's not much chance this time round. In the meantime treat yourself to a nice glass of on my behalf

Victoria, it's a bit rubbish they couldn't give you any ideas why it happened, what (if anything) you could do, etc! At least it might help if you're on holiday, more relaxing than being at work. And yes, for the carefree days of "it'll happen when it happens" or the other phrases my OH used to say, which made me want to throw heavy things at him…..

Ooops, fell off the bus! Hope everyone's ok

You're the one that fell off Sammy! Hope you're ok! Lol!

I'm doing alright. Do you know what my sweet friend said to me when I told her the iui was cancelled? "this egg was obviously not meant to be your baby, it has to be the perfect time to get your perfect child" :-) awwww just wanted to cry! But we were at work so I didn't! Really weird thing is me and this girl used to be worst enemies at work until a out 3 years ago! (worked together 9 years). Not really sure what changed!

Haha, yes I'm ok... Thankfully it was going so slow that it didn't hurt

That is really sweet, and such a lovely way to look at it. I'm glad you're friends now, she sounds like a good person to have in your life

Actually I know what changed... She became a mummy. Her priorities changed. She used to be a bossy pants and a bit of a grass. She used to tell on u if you weren't throwing your all into work and her favorite line used to be "if you've got nothing to do....."! Now she's definitely got a better work/life balance. :-)

I am feeling better for the first time today ruby - thanks for asking. Had been eating crap day in day out since the cancellation. Just felt fat and slothful yesterday so decided today I would eat healthy again. Dr then phoned me today to organise next IVF so that along with me starting to eat healthy again has helped me feel better emotionally as I now work towards the new IVF cycle in June.

I'm going to try and focus on other things like finding a craft and a good book I can get absorbed in. If I have this on my mind while I count down 10 weeks to the next IVF, time is really going to drag, so I might not be on here every second day like usual. Just giving a heads up.

victoria, I hope your next cycle does have the perfect little egg waiting and you can finally get started with your IUI. I will definitely still be sticking around to support you while I wait.

It's good to have something to aim for Shell I bought some grapes the other day in an effort to eat more healthily but do I want them? No, all I want is CARBS. I already have a bump - the midwife did say I would show earlier with twins - but I think it's 5% babies and 95% pizza

Victoria, how I wish some of the women that I work with would have a personality change like that, then it would stop me wanting to throw things at them!!

Onwards and upwards for the next IUI cycle

Great that you're gonna take some time out to chill shell, have a nice break hun x x

Hello ruby! So glad things are progressing nicely for you. Remind me how many weeks you are?

I'm just in my painful oving time. Oh yes, shell I have yet again been experiencing ov pains since cd8 or 9.I hope it doesn't affect next iui cycle!

My taste buds went funny during my pregnancy ruby and I just couldn't stand certain things. Hope you are enjoying being pregnant after the effort it took and don't be too hard on yourself.

It's bizzare victoria. I wish you had access to your own scanner so you could see what is going on and what is causing the pain. At the last scan you were just in shock at the results and at your IUI being cancelled. But perhaps now you should prepare a list of questions to ask them what is causing it and what action they will take to rectify it to be prepared JUST IN CASE (but I really hope not) the same thing happens next cycle, rather than them just sending you away for another month again.

Our next appointment is getting close now, less than a month away! I'm excited to move on to the next step, a little scared of the unknown and very sad that we have even reached this point... I really thought we'd have a few month old baby by now

I know the feeling Sammy :-(

Are you feeling left behind in the new 'bus'? Blimey! Feels like anything I say is boring and I cannot keep up with all the 'funny' ladies :-( shall I sneek out?

The new bus is so busy!!

I kind of like it as the funny stories do cheer me up... And entertain me on a boring day at work!
I'm sticking around on the April bus too though, where I know my posts won't get accidentally missed

How are you doing? Xx

Good luck with your appointment Sammy. By my reckoning OH & I should have a 15 month old by now, but thanks to his rubbish swimmers, it was not to be!! I hope you have a little one on the way very soon though

Victoria, I hope you're not in too much pain, chocolate always helps I find

But then chocolate helps with everything!!

My temp has plummeted this morning so that's another month gone.
Poor dh is so disappointed but won't show it to me because he knows I'm already upset. I feel defective. He should have picked a better mate.

I feel like this every month, and I know it's gets better in a couple of days so I'm going to go wallow now and will be back once I've cheered up. Xx