Infertility meltdown

[HappyAmbler]

Hello ladies

I'm a long time lurker and very occasional poster.

This is really just a rant as I'm feeling so utterly shit this evening - hence the title (was crying when I started writing this ). My DH is asleep upstairs as he has to work tomorrow.

This is my third cycle of clomid and AF has just arrived. We have been ttc #1 for 19 months although in that time I've had 22 cycles.

I'm just feeling totally lost as I was only prescribed three months of clomid, and my next appointment at the NHS fertility clinic isn't until mid Feb - so I'm basically going to have two wasted cycles in between.

We still don't really know what the problem is. DH and I are both 31, his SA was normal, my blood tests and ultrasound were normal, my cycles are pretty regular and I'm fairly certain I ovulate every month (temp rise). The only possible factor is my post ovulation (day 21) progesterone levels are 'borderline'. i.e. they indicate ovulation has occurred but not high enough to sustain pregnancy.

I really thought the clomid would 'fix' this seemingly minor problem. And it has in the sense that my post ovulation progesterone levels have been higher, and my luteal phase has been longer, but I'm still not bloody well up the duff

Apparently the next step is HSG - feeling stupid for not insisting this was done before I started the clomid, but I was so convinced the clomid would work...

I guess I'm just starting to panic now. If we don't know what the problem is, how the hell can it be fixed??

Thanks very much if you've got this far. I'm not sure why I'm posting, just needed to get this off my chest I guess. I don't know anyone in RL who's going through this, so it's just helpful to know there are others out there.

How much longer until your first scan ruby?

Glad you have a positive attitude at the moment shell

Had a few private endometrial biopsies for infertility in the lab earlier (the things u need to deal with!). I like to look at their dates of birth... 1977, 1982.... 1965.... Wait! 1965! This lady is bloomin 50! I think that ship has sailed.

Also hate it when you get infertility samples and vasectomy samples for family planning in the same batch. Some of those guys can be young too.

Anyway nothing to report here. Zero chance of being preg this month as done zero shagging. End of.

That 50 year old surely must be having biopsies for donor eggs that are not implanting rather than her own. I take blood and often have to do womens 12 week pregnancy blood test and I too am always looking at their DOB. If they are young, I am jealous of their fertility and if they are older, I am jealous that they are older and can get pregnant yet I can't. So I can't win! I also have to do their 2 hours glucose tests and I just hate it having to focus on and care for another woman and her pregnancy for 2 hours. I have to look away when I see pregnant bellies at the shops as it pains me too much, let alone have to fake nice for 2 hours.

Anyway, same story for me here victoria. Zero chance of being preg and I had an endometrial scrape on day 20 of my cycle. I am starting to get quite nervous as today is day 22 of my cycle and IVF for next cycle is drawing near. This is really the last cycle I can afford and it needs to work!

Morning Victoria - first scan is Thursday, by chance I also have a one to one meeting with my manager that afternoon, so will break the news then! Starting to get the sickness a bit more now and am tired a lot of the time - OH doesn't get it at all - in his eyes there's no bump yet, hence no justification for being tired. Grrrrr!

It's really frustrating seeing all these women who seem to fall pregnant no problem, but I guess without talking to them we'll never know if that's the case….. for instance, only one person at my work knows about the IVF, everyone else will just assume that we started trying at Christmas and it happened straight away. Ha, as if!! The couple I know who are going through IVF as well are on their third attempt, the previous two have been unsuccessful; it must be even more frustrating for them as they have unexplained infertility, at least we knew ours was due to OH's rubbish swimmers.

I don't know if it's better or worse knowing there's no chance of a BFP - better because at least you don't get your hopes up - or worse because it's another month gone by OH never understood the 'timing' issue either!

Sounds like good signs ruby. Fingers crossed for Thursday x

Yeah the good thing about not dtd is I can relax this month. I wasn't even as mad with dh as I could have been as I thought what's the point anyway? Why should this month be any different? Stupid thing is we dtd 2 days after I think I ovd and I'm thinking 'what if' from that encounter! Stupid woman...

Was absolutely mortified earlier... I farted audibly in my yoga class! Twice! I just pretended nothing had happened. What else could I do!? Tmi but had to tell someone! Off home now to dinner dh has cooked all by himself, hope its ok!

LOL victoria, at least you gave me something to smile about with your yoga story!! I'm sure it's not the first time it's happened there, the teacher's probably used to lots of people making noises…..!

I spoke too soon about not having any sickness been feeling yuk all day. Can't stand being too hot, not having fresh air, smelling strong things, etc etc etc. One of the managers at work has been off sick for at least a fortnight and is off for the foreseeable future, and I've just found out that it's due to her being very sick in early pregnancy. I see the way forward for me if work is crap!

There's always the 'what if' (well not really for me, as OH's swimmers are too rubbish!) but good luck anyway

Hello ladies, can I join you here?
I'm on the busses usually, and will probably still lurk there but it's hard to see women there for only a couple of months when I've been trying for 16. I think maybe I'll feel more at home here of you'll have me?

Sitting here crying my eyes out following an unexpected baby bomb on Facebook, doesn't help that my temp dropped today and af is slowly arriving. Xx

Ps. Victoria, someone was asking after you on the Match bus!

Hi Sammy yeah I left the march bus, no point if I've not been shagged! Wasn't sure if I would join again in April. I can't keep up anyway! I hang out here with these lovely ladies :-) big hugs, sorry af is arriving, again. Horrible horrible thing x

Welcome sammy. I have gone been on other threads where I see women get BFP's straight away and it's very depressing as I have IVF failure after IVF failure in our 4 years of TTC. So I know exactly what you mean and hope you feel at home here.

victoria obviously knows your story, but I am interested to know your story if you are happy to share/vent/whinge/ here! AFM, I am about to embark on my 10th IVF next cycle! I have put myself in debt for this last IVF and can't afford any more so I really feel under pressure that it needs to work.

ruby, must be frustrating that hubby doesn't get your tiredness. Tiredness is actually at it's worst during the first 3 months of pregnancy because that is when your body is busy building that big placenta to support your baby as it grows. I hope you get some TLC. You've worked so hard to get where you are and deserve to be pampered!

victoria, I've lost track of time. Your husbands sperm test must be coming up soon? And if it makes you feel not so silly, I too have hopes that I might be pregnant this cycle even though I had my endometrium scraped away on day 20 in prep for IVF next cycle. So now that I am not expecting it to happen this cycle, I think 'hey, they say it will happen when you don't expect it - perhaps this is the cycle!

Hi shellster

Can I ask the reason you need IVF? I'm always interested to hear about others diagnosis. If you don't want to say then that's fine.

We've been ttc for 16 months now, we've had initial bloods and semen ananlysis which were fine, although dh first SA showed only 3% morphology but up to 5% in repeat test, all his other results were high.
Saw specialist in December who said to keep trying until April. We have follow up appointment at the end of April and my ultrasound the week before.

We're umming and erring about whether to go privately to speed things up, but money is an issue and I don't want to lose our 1 or 2 nhs goes really. Xx

You are more than welcome to ask any questions sammy.

Our official diagnosis is that my husband has 100% abnormal sperm morphology. The report says "The acrosome cap is either small or missing." This is the part on the head of the sperm that contains enzymes and enables it to penetrate the egg. We had the test repeated a few times over a year and it was always the same. However I have very low AMH and while that would be fine naturally for producing just one egg each cycle, it means that I don't make many eggs during our IVF cycles. So he is no good for natural and I am no good for IVF - great team! I have been doing lots to improve quality and so I resting my hope in it being quality over quantity this last IVF.

I totally understand it being a difficult decision about NHS versus private. I have seen vic and Ruby on here for so long and I can't believe how incompetent the NHS is. But it would seem a shame to lose 2 free goes when it would otherwise cost you a fortune. Is it rude to ask how old you are? Just curious if time is on your side while you wait for the NHS system.
I am 37.

Must be so frustrating not having any diagnosis. Do you have any idea what to expect at your follow up appointment in April?

Thank you for sharing, I know so little! Just trying to gather all the knowledge I can!

I'm 29 so physically I guess time is on my side, but emotionally I can't wait much longer, I feel like this process is destroying me!

I think the appointment in April will depend on the results of the scan - but I assume HyCoSy will come next... I'm going to push for it anyway as I've heard lots of stories about women falling pg immediately afterwards. I need to make a list of things to ask.... Just not sure where to start! Xx

Hiya, yea dh's test is coming up on the 16th. Feel a bit wierd about it all at the moment.... Swaying between really wanting a baby and really not! Weighing up pros and cons. I was so completely for it before Jan iui was cancelled. So confused :-( I think its all got a bit too much lately and I want it to go away and leave me alone!

Sammy I found things moved really quickly after my hsg. I had my ultrasound last April too, hsg in Sept and then offered treatment in Oct! You'll have to check what you're entitled to on the nhs if you havent already. Some places like you to be ttc 2 years. Sometimes 3 before you can have treatment. Its so much worse for male factor as there is nothing more you can do as a woman. If your tubes aren't blocked and you ovulate and your hormones are ok there is no way you can become more fertile. Helpless. Your hubby's results are so similar to mine.

Did you ever get that pm I sent you a few months back explaining our journey so far by the way Sammy?

Hi all!

Back from first scan today, two babies safely in there we even saw their little heartbeats! I thought the babies were the big black blobs on screen, but then the doctor pointed out that they're the teeny tiny white flickery bits inside the blobs - DOH. Anyhow, we have some photos, although due to the black blobs and white flickery bits they look more like an owl's face than anything!

Shell, I've been given another 4 weeks' worth of oestrogen (same dose), after that I'm all done. I also have another 4 weeks to go with the progesterone, although I now have pessaries rather than injections. Hopefully they'll be a lot less painful…..

Still feeling rough, it's like a hangover without the fun bits beforehand! Tired, achey, feeling sick etc. For some reason the main thing I can eat is pizza - cheese and tomato only! - so I've had a cheese toastie for breakfast, mozzarella and tomato panini for lunch, and pizza for dinner

Lovely to meet you Sammy and good luck with all the tests! We had a long hard NHS road (I had to have a laparoscopy even though it turned out there was bugger all wrong!) but hopefully your NHS authority will be more efficient than ours. I exaggerated the amount of time we'd been TTC in case there were any criteria about it, as we knew OH had rubbish swimmers anyway, but TBH no-one particularly cared/ asked us about it.

How are you feeling now victoria? A couple of times I almost packed in the whole thing because I was fed up with OH/ the NHS/ the whole process, but I knew we had no chance of babies without it! Hopefully your DH's tests will give you better news?

Omg ruby! Twins! How do you feel about that? I always wanted twins

Oh my god Victoria, I've just seen your pm! So sorry! I mainly use the phone app and it doesn't show me on the front screen when I have a pm! Will read it now

Yes I thought that was the case about the variation in length of time you need to be trying for IVF... But I can't find the right place to look to see my areas criteria! I think I'm being thick as several people have responded and I still can't find it! Xx

Ruby, congratulations on your twins!! Xx

Ruby, can't believe you you casually mention twins!!!! You sound very cool, calm and collected about it. Okay, so starting from the night of EC, that will be 8 weeks in total that you have taken the estrogen then? Is the morning/all day sickness different because you went through so much trouble to get where you are? I tell myself I am just going to appreciate it as I would much rather have what you have (morning sickness)as opposed to what I currently have (infertility and the possibility of my DS never knowing what it is like to be close to a sibling).

You are so right victoria. If it's male factor, there is nothing you can do as a woman. It is all the more frustrating because if it is a woman problem (blocked tubes, PCOS) there is nothing we can do naturally to fix it. Yet if it is male factor, usually things can be drastically improved by diet and lifestyle, yet they don't do it. Or at least mine doesn't!!!!

I think my period is arriving tomorrow. So day one of my last IVF begins. I was feeling really scared as I don't know how I will cope if this fails. I will still want a baby just as desperately but I just can't afford to try again. Trying not to think about the future and just focus on each day and what I can do today to improve my outcome.

And you know mine doesn't do it either shell!

Oh did I tell you about his test results the other week? You know he has chronic asthma and takes shed loads of meds every day right? prob the reason for his crap sperm Well when he was supposed to have given up smoking the first time around over 5 years ago he was prescribed a new drug which they don't prescribe to smokers. It was only in Dec and again in Feb that they decided to test him for the amount of drug in his system, coz he's been so sick this winter. The drug in his body isn't enough to be a "therapeutic dose" so basically it's useless. It's not been dillating his bronchioles so he is breathless and grumpy and ill and won't shag me Looking up this drug I discover that both caffeine and nicotine, especially nicotine, speed up the way it's metabolised in the body dramatically so it's got rid of before it takes effect!!! Stupid knob face (dh) has been making himself sicker all these flipping years! So the GP has given him a kick up the arse and so have I. He has now vowed to give up coffee and fags good and proper!

I so so hope this IVF works shell it's been awful watching you go through this anguish this past year.

sammy yeah I did think you were well rude

sammy sent you a massive pm, you'd better read it

The one from yesterday? Yes read it and replied Xx

Check again?

Oh I can only see the start of it on my phone for some reason?? Will reply later when I can get on the laptop. Xx

I had to laugh when I read knob face victoria, after I've called my husband a few names under my breath today. Speaking of breath, I get frustrated at my DH for the crap he eats. I can only imagine how much more you get frustrated watching your husband also add in fags with asthma. So not only is the smoking permanently destroying his bronchioles, it's also stopping the medication from working to help him with what bronchioles he has left!

Thanks for your well wishes. It means a lot. I can't afford IVF any more but I really want to be pregnant, so this IVF must work - it just must. I've given my ovaries a talking to and let them know.

Hope you and you're little owls are enjoying your cheese and tomato pizza rubes :)

Victoria, I've replied now

Hope everyone's ok this morning. Xx