Infertility meltdown

[HappyAmbler]

Hello ladies

I'm a long time lurker and very occasional poster.

This is really just a rant as I'm feeling so utterly shit this evening - hence the title (was crying when I started writing this ). My DH is asleep upstairs as he has to work tomorrow.

This is my third cycle of clomid and AF has just arrived. We have been ttc #1 for 19 months although in that time I've had 22 cycles.

I'm just feeling totally lost as I was only prescribed three months of clomid, and my next appointment at the NHS fertility clinic isn't until mid Feb - so I'm basically going to have two wasted cycles in between.

We still don't really know what the problem is. DH and I are both 31, his SA was normal, my blood tests and ultrasound were normal, my cycles are pretty regular and I'm fairly certain I ovulate every month (temp rise). The only possible factor is my post ovulation (day 21) progesterone levels are 'borderline'. i.e. they indicate ovulation has occurred but not high enough to sustain pregnancy.

I really thought the clomid would 'fix' this seemingly minor problem. And it has in the sense that my post ovulation progesterone levels have been higher, and my luteal phase has been longer, but I'm still not bloody well up the duff

Apparently the next step is HSG - feeling stupid for not insisting this was done before I started the clomid, but I was so convinced the clomid would work...

I guess I'm just starting to panic now. If we don't know what the problem is, how the hell can it be fixed??

Thanks very much if you've got this far. I'm not sure why I'm posting, just needed to get this off my chest I guess. I don't know anyone in RL who's going through this, so it's just helpful to know there are others out there.

Feeling really sad and confused today :-(

Got up this morning and went to the loo. Blood on the tissue. Pink first thing and brown chocolate sludge rest of day. Seems to have just about stopped tonight but got mid range cramps. I'm CD 23! 23! What is going on?! I have 30 day cycles!

Hit the booze tonight :-( don't have work tomorrow so who cares.

Oh Victoria, sorry to hear that you are having a hard time. I know you've been stressed recently, could it be that that's affecting your cycles? Mine are usually 26 - 28 days but have been a bit less before or 35 days (the record!) - I also bleed for longer when I'm stressed, which is particularly horrid. Sending you lots of hugs - TTC is hard enough to go through when everything's going swimmingly with regular cycles, let alone when you can't rely on AF turning up at a relatively normal time

Thank you for the reassurance Shell - you're right, I feel under so much pressure at the moment to pop out a baby (or two!) in 8 1/2 months time, and I don't know what to do best to make that happen it just doesn't help when OH picks the world's worst builders…..

Hmmm, I'm not sure about the estradiol then; that's what I thought they told me, but I'd not long come round from the sedation, I could be wrong!! It is standard for my hospital though, and at least it's tablets rather than yet more injections, the progesterone ones are very sore!

Hmm, even if it's not a normal part of our luteal phase cycle, at least the studies seem to suggest increased preg rates in IVF cycles. So at least you can rest assured about that! Your clinic gives it to you as standard, so you have no hesitation in taking it. I am doing a different protocol so not sure if it is suitable for me and wish my Dr knew!

Victoria, I've hit the booze at a few low ponts in this journey. It's so hard to stay positive and motivated, exercise and eat well when all we get for our efforts is failure after failure and set back after set back. Perhaps it would be a good thing to get the ball rolling with IVF? Hubby's sperm might not improve with his smoking and dragging this torture out for an IUI that might get cancelled due to poor sperm results is only going to drag out the process and have you feeling down for longer?

shell I've been thinking about ivf more and more lately. We might as well wait for the next sperm test now as its only next month. See what they say. We wouldn't be able to start iui (if ok) because of the times my cycles are due and a holiday we have now booked. Urgh. Its all crap...

It is indeed all very crap Victoria. I am so fed up with this TTC (and other people seeming to fall pregnant straight away!) and like Shell says, it can be very hard to stay positive. Are there people you can talk to in RL about it? I personally don't/ haven't - unlike OH who tells all and sundry! - but I feel like the more people I tell, the more pressure there is to keep them all updated. I'd rather surprise them with a BFP!

We were offered counselling through our IVF unit, which again I haven't taken up but more because it's so far away, I'd have to take another half day off just for that. If they did it weekends/ evenings I probably would. Is that something you might find helpful?

Sending you lots of and anyway - and thinking about !! xx

Not sure if the estradiol, the progesterone or both but I have a rash on both arms and very itchy skin on my legs. I don't usually suffer from dry skin so can only think it's a reaction to something. Only a week to wait now to find out what's going on although I guess I might have an idea beforehand if I have bleeding….. none so far but is that a good sign or a bad sign, it means no implantation bleeding?! I really have no idea any more!

Oh yes, and I feel thoroughly rubbish today after sleeping really badly - ate too late, dreamt about people bleeding and OH snored and snored. Hoping for a nice peaceful day!

Try not to worry about lack of implantation bleeding rubes, not everyone gets it. If the rash is bad do you think you should tell the clinic?? Don't suffer in silence!

I have a few people who know in RL what's going on. But without going through it themselves they can only offer an ear I guess.

My stupid bleeding has stopped now but god knows when af is due. I just have dull aches front and back in no specific places. The 2ww sucks, especially if you don't know when or if ov happened!

Is your time going fast or slow ruby?

Oh, the time is so slow Victoria! I thought I was keeping quite busy - and to be fair I am - but then it's the balance between keeping busy and not overdoing it. It's very hard!

The rash has calmed down today thank goodness, I put some Bio Oil on and that seems to have sorted it. Thought I was having a bit of bleeding earlier, which sent me into panic mode, but then it didn't happen, at which point I panicked that maybe it should! Really I have no way of keeping calm and reasonable about this until next Thursday when I should know either way…..

Sorry to hear your body has gone all confusing just at the time you want it to be boring and predictable! I've been Googling like mad to see if my symptoms are 'normal' but of course, it's different for everyone. Could you go back to see your GP or phone the NHS helpline for a bit of reassurance?

Yes, I think part of the reason I haven't told many people in RL is that I'd find it too hard to keep updating them, when it's been a long hard struggle for us to get this far. Plus there are a few 'helpful' people who'll always say "relax, don't try so hard, it'll happen when it happens" or "you want to get that sorted out, we conceived first time of trying" and such like. Grrrrr!

Sounds like a good idea to have a holiday booked victoria.

Ruby, you make me laugh when I read your obsession that occurs in the 2ww... feeling it's a bad sign that there was no bleeding, then hitting panic mode when you actually thought there was bleeding. But I can't laugh because I remember how obsessive it turned me in that 2ww. Personally, I am just waiting to see you type the words BFP next Thursday. With getting more embryos to blast than the average woman showing you really do produce better than average embryos, then having two of those put back, it just seems inevitable that AT LEAST one has to implant.

I have told a few people in RL, but have decided to shut up. I just receive those well meaning but very frustrating responses 'when you forget, it will happen, take a holiday'. Last IVF cycle I told people about it and then was convinced I was pregnant based on symptoms and late period so I told my sister I was, only to have my period arrive the next day and have to report back it was another failure. So this upcoming IVF, I am keeping my mouth shut!

It's CD5 for me here and I too am going insane waiting. I am looking forward to after ovulation as I will take progesterone twice daily this cycle as I think it helps me have a few more follicles for next cycle which will be IVF, so at least when I start the progesterone twice daily it will feel like I am doing something pro-active for IVF instead of all this waiting.

Morning all
Happy Valentines Day (if you're into that sort of thing)

Ruby I've not gotten as far as the TWW so I can only imagine the panic/worry/time moving slowly feelings.

Victoria there is never a bad time for a holiday. Well war time perhaps. Where are you wanting to go?

Shell I'm not saying anything next time either. Hopefully this year isn't the year of babies (for friends I mean). 16 friends had babies in 2014 and only 6 were planned.

No news here. I seem to MN less now that I'm working Monday to Friday 9-5. I think I preferred the shiftwork. Only having two days off is rubbish.

I'm alright, I don't have that many friends to make announcements! Although I have had about 9 work mates have babies during the time we have been ttc.

Still on my natural 2ww. Booked and paid for our hol last night. Had to get a move on as it said only 7 places remain on the website we were booking it through! We are going to Malta for a week in May :-) nice and warm and sunny

How are you feeling ruby? Nearly there!

Popping in to see if any news from *Ruby(, but all is quiet!

A holiday to Malta sounds fantastic. I could have been around the world by now with the money I have spent on IVF. Instead, I sit at home in my half renovated house and save for another IVF. I would take another baby for all the holidays in the world so if the next IVF works, all will be worthwhile.

Yes, the two day weekend does go quick when you work M-F, doesn't it Grin! But now I'm a casual and I hate not knowing how many shifts I'm going to get and how much/little money I'll make. When you say 'no news here', are you waiting for something or is it just up to you to decide on a clinic and get the ball rolling?

We are just waiting for DH's payout. It was tied up in red tape due to the election and caretaker government (unofficially) but now that we have government again it should happen soon.

Hi everyone, back from a couple of days away with OH. It was lovely to get away (and escape from the builders for a while!) but TBH I'm just all wound up until Thursday….. No news from me, no bleeding, had a slight brown discharge (sorry if TMI!) but that might be due to all the medication I'm on upsetting my body. The progesterone injections are becoming really painful, they're intramuscular and have to be done in my bum….. OUCH, is all I'll say about them.

Your holiday sounds lovely Victoria! We have a few days in Ireland planned at the end of April, but I don't think we'll be getting as much sun as you!

Any chance of a little break for you Shell? Or would you rather put every penny towards IVF?

By the way, no pregnancy symptoms either; OH keeps asking if I feel pregnant, but then of course I'd have no clue if this was all happening naturally, it's only because I think I should be feeling something! I am crying at random things, but that's probably emotions running high in general!!

A holiday does sound lovely Ruby, but yes, I am still in debt from last IVF and going more into debt for a holiday will only stress me more. Just trying to do simple things I enjoy instead.

Ruby, that brown discharge sounds like a very positive sign! What day was it? I assume it came way to early to be your period? So it could be implantation spotting instead?

Your OH asking continually just shows how much these men do want this too even though they don't seem to show it in the lead up to IVF.

Grin, have you decided on a clinic while you wait for the pay out. I can imagine there would be lots of red tape with him working for the gov't. I guess at least it's an amazing thing they allowed it in the first place. My organisation doesn't do it so instead, I have applied for a credit card with 2 years interest free on balance transfers. So I will pay for IVF on my current credit card, then transfer the balance to my new credit card and have two years to pay it off interest free.

All will be worthwhile if it works out, but I am going to feel depressed paying it off each fortnight as a constant reminder that I have no baby and wasted more $$$$ if IVF doesn't work. So I feel real pressure for this cycle to work!

I can empathise with the need for a holiday but worrying about the money Shell! When I had real debt problems a few years back I was constantly stressed and so much wanted a break, but I knew that I didn't have the budget for a holiday. I hope you find other ways of looking after yourself!

The brown stuff was Friday/ Saturday - so 5 or 6 days after the transfer. CD26 for me today which is usually when I'd start to be on AF watch. The Marisa Peer book says you shouldn't worry about bleeding but how you accomplish that I'm not sure! It's all about positive thinking and visualisation, and therefore you shouldn't worry about/ visualise finding blood when you go to the loo. It's a natural fear though, isn't it?

Oh and I'm feeling quite rubbish in general, not sleeping well at all. Reflexology would help but that's not recommended either! Hoping this week goes quickly and hope you all have a good one

Right. After a day of stressing about it, I've decided to test on Wednesday as that'll be CD28 anyway, and save the 'official' test for the 29th this may not sound like a big decision but I was very pleased to have made it!

My cycles are usually around 27 days, so if I make it to 28 days without any bleeding that'll be a good sign anyway, right?! Sigh. I am so confused and not sure how people make it through this without going a bit mad…..

Also had a panic earlier when I thought I wasn't getting enough progesterone. Then remembered I'm on those really painful and how could I forget them injections. Doh!

Ruby, I've just got a gut feeling that your going to be shouting BFP on CD28! It just makes perfect sense that the blood is implantation. There's nothing else it could be!

I do sympathise with the insane 2ww of IVF. It's much more intense than a natural cycle 2ww. You've spent months if not years, building up to this point, eating perfect and exercising in the build up to this very cycle.

I am 11 hours ahead here so I shall be sound asleep while you are peeing on a stick but I will wake up Thursday morning and nervously open mumsnet to see your BFP!

Not got much to say except I'm thinking about all of you, especially ruby good luck with testing tomorrow x

Thanks victoria! How are things with you (TTC related or other)?

Feeling a bit calmer today Shell, no news, but just calmer in general. I listened to a 'relax' podcast last night, maybe that helped... Still had very weird dreams though, which I've been having for a few nights now.

You're right, there's so much pressure during this time - not so much from friends (as I didn't tell many!) but OH 'helpfully' sent me some info about maternity leave entitlements. Talk about counting chickens!

Yeah I'm pretty good thanks. Had a bit of a cry when af arrived after hoping mini bleed on cd23 was implantation. But I'm over it now as know I've just got to move on and am used to it.

Work is mental as we prepare for some massive changes this year. We've got a merger and a move to a new sparkly building. So new staff, new ways of working, double the workload. Crazy stuff. Been having meeting and suggestions on how it will flow smoothly! it won't

Getting on well with dh lately. He even I initiated a sexy thing last night! (tmi!) Tonight we're off to the pub on a date

Glad you're getting on well with DH Victoria! Mine tried to initiate something over the weekend as well, I told him to sod off - LOL. My IVF books say no sex allowed during this stage…..

I know the feeling about AF following a shorter bleed, happened to me a couple of times. I kind of got my hopes up only to have them dashed again at least it's better than AF taking ages to arrive even when you know there's no chance of a BFP, you can move on to the next cycle instead of waiting in frustration.

And how I know the feeling about work - yep, we will spend loads of money on pointless stuff, but not the things that actually matter - so our staff will still be overloaded and under pressure! Who makes these decisions?!

Not sure whether to test tomorrow or not now, checked my cycles and before this one the last couple were 30 days I may decide to wait till Thursday after all and enjoy the feeling of potentially being pregnant for another day…..

Ah yes, I too wondered in my last IVF cycle Ruby whether to test early and get a BFP to put me out of my misery, or to wait in case it was a BFN so I could live in dream land for a bit longer. I think I am in almost as much anticipation as you. I keep logging on to see if you've tested!

I can't believe hubby initiated something Victoria, after your commenting about his sighing during sex previously. My hubby initiated this morning and even though I was half asleep and wanted him to leave me alone, I thought I'd better get into it. I am having an endometrial scratch on day 20 of this cycle so absolutely no chance anyway, but just think that perhaps we should be having regular sex so we have all the right hormones flowing in prep for IVF next cycle. Still haven't even told hubby that I would like to try one last time next cycle as our relationship seems less strained and he actually initiates sex when he doesn't feel under pressure to produce a baby. But it kinda leaves me feeling a bit extra stressed as there is the potential he could say no.