Infertility meltdown

[HappyAmbler]

Hello ladies

I'm a long time lurker and very occasional poster.

This is really just a rant as I'm feeling so utterly shit this evening - hence the title (was crying when I started writing this ). My DH is asleep upstairs as he has to work tomorrow.

This is my third cycle of clomid and AF has just arrived. We have been ttc #1 for 19 months although in that time I've had 22 cycles.

I'm just feeling totally lost as I was only prescribed three months of clomid, and my next appointment at the NHS fertility clinic isn't until mid Feb - so I'm basically going to have two wasted cycles in between.

We still don't really know what the problem is. DH and I are both 31, his SA was normal, my blood tests and ultrasound were normal, my cycles are pretty regular and I'm fairly certain I ovulate every month (temp rise). The only possible factor is my post ovulation (day 21) progesterone levels are 'borderline'. i.e. they indicate ovulation has occurred but not high enough to sustain pregnancy.

I really thought the clomid would 'fix' this seemingly minor problem. And it has in the sense that my post ovulation progesterone levels have been higher, and my luteal phase has been longer, but I'm still not bloody well up the duff

Apparently the next step is HSG - feeling stupid for not insisting this was done before I started the clomid, but I was so convinced the clomid would work...

I guess I'm just starting to panic now. If we don't know what the problem is, how the hell can it be fixed??

Thanks very much if you've got this far. I'm not sure why I'm posting, just needed to get this off my chest I guess. I don't know anyone in RL who's going through this, so it's just helpful to know there are others out there.

Great egg count anroga fingers crossed for you! Hope you keep getting good news :-)

Thanks Vic I know it is still early days as you say just keeping everything crossed x

That's great news anroga, hope you had more good news this week!

Our first clinic appointment went well yesterday - still waiting for an official letter from my hypertension consultant, but hey, they gave me the medication so they can't be THAT worried. They also did blood tests for me and OH and you have never heard anyone squeak and whimper so much! I had very little sympathy, given the number of blood (and other!) tests I've had, and the talk we'd just sat through about needles and suppositories…..

CD21 at the moment so if all goes well, I'll be starting meds in about a week. The thought of the injections still makes me go ewwwwwww but I guess I'll have to cope. To be honest I have other things to worry about at the moment - my friend started chemo this week and my aunty is very close to passing away from cancer, she's in a hospice and the doctors have told us she only has days left. We're going to see her tomorrow (she lives 200 miles away) but only for a day, back on Sunday.

I'm just so tired at the moment with everything that's going on could do with lots of and but even that's not the best idea at the moment. Pah.

Hope everyone else is having a more positive week than me!

Any news about your embryos and transfer anroga?

Sorry to hear your aunt and friend are so poorly. I hope the treatment goes well for your friend. Exciting for you about starting treatment soon though!

Bad news for me I'm afraid :-( dh's pre-iui sa came back on Thursday. Normal forms back down to 2% plus count down by 20million and motility down by 6%. Not good enough for iui. I was geared up to calling the clinic on day 1 and starting treatment. Got pre af spotting and cramps this morning, prob full flow tomorrow.

The doc says we have 3 options, 1-go ahead with iui now with the low results, wait a few months and have a retest to see if it was the chest infection and he can get better results after a period of wellness, 3- go straight for icsi and lose our 3 funded iui rounds. Option 3 would require an appointment with the doc again (6 week wait) followed by another planning appointment.

My gut tells me to wait and get a retest for dh in 3 months time and continue with the iui plan. I'm gutted we won't be starting in a few days as I'd built it up in my head that I was. Gonna make sure dh is eating and drinking well and taking his vits and not getting ill!

Hi shell hope you are well hun x

Hi vic

Back from the clinic transfer went fine bit painful, had 2 top grade blastocysts put back.

Felt really emotional that we were finally there ready for transfer after such a long journey and seeing them going into the womb on the screen was amazing.

Spoke to the nurse and embryologist and they both said not a good idea to come straight home and go to bed, just sit on the sofa and relax, still move about and walk the dog to keep the blood flowing. Eat and drink as normal basically carry on as normal but no lifting anything heavy.

So now it's the waiting game!

Sorry to hear the results are not what you wanted. Waiting sounds like a good idea to me, a few months will not make a lot of difference time wise and then you can see if they have improved and your chances of success are higher.

Get him on the smoothies we bought this blender called nutri bullet it has been a godsend, chuck as many fruits in it as you want a quick blitz and it's done. My dh doesn't eat a lot of fruit but loves them and it's packed full of good stuff x

I've seen those nutri bullet things on the tv, they look fab! Just think it would be one of those things we would use for a few weeks and then it gathers dust for years...

Fab news that you got 2 top quality blasts put in. Fingers crossed for you!

No honestly vic I thought the same but they are so quick to use and so easy to keep clean. I do them every night before bed and put them in the fridge and then we take them to work - I really believe all the fruit and veg we have got through has helped us both with our eggs and sperm!

Thank you have taken it easy so far today but have walked the dog to keep the blood flow going, did panic earlier as I automatically picked her up and carried her (6.5 kilo pug) as I thought maybe she is too heavy for me to be lifting! X

Hope you are feeling ok anroga and not worrying too much….. I'm tempted by the Nutribullet too but honestly don't think I'd use it! I eat lots of vegetables anyway (I'm vegetarian so often not much option!), and OH is on the vitamins which will hopefully have improved his SA a bit.

Victoria, sorry the results weren't great, but from what you've said it wasn't unexpected if your DH hasn't been taking vitamins and has been poorly on top of that! Is it worth making the ICSI appointment anyway if it's a 6 week wait? That way you'd feel like you were doing something, you can always put the ICSI on hold if your DH's results improve enough for IUI in the meantime.

Not great news from me, we arrived at the hospice half an hour too late, my aunty had just passed away it was nice to see family there that I hadn't seen for many years, but that's about the nicest thing that happened all day! I'm now worried - completely selfishly, I know - that the funeral will be difficult to fit round my injections/ scans schedule, as it means a 4 hour drive to get there. It hasn't been booked yet, but I imagine it'll be the end of this week/ beginning of the next, and AF is due on Friday…..

On top of that, my friend's grandma - who I was very close to in my teens - doesn't have long left to live either, and a friend from ten years ago is dying of cancer, probably only has a couple of weeks left. I'd like to go to both funerals, but it depends how much leave I'm allowed to take, as in addition I'm still planning on taking time off to help my friend with her chemo sessions!

How are things with you Shell? x

I'm still here. Just trying not to keep busy with other things so that time doesn't drag as my next IVF doesn't start til mid March.

Victoria, that must have been devastating news about hubby's sperm. I remember my DH getting sick right before one IVF cycle. I was really mad at him because he eats so crap and I don't get sick as nearly as often as him. Just after my last IVF embryo transfer, DH complained of being sick and I gave a sympathetic response because I was convinced I was pregnant and so it didn't affect me. I then realised that's probably the first time in a long time he's got that response because every other time I am just feeling angry towards him for eating crap and getting sick and sabotaging my baby dream.

I think I would go ahead with IUI anyway just because I am so fed up with all this and want it over with. But of course then when it fails, you would be forever wondering if it was the poor sperm and would it have been different outcome if you waited. So it makes sense to give your 3 funded IUI's the best chance.

Ruby I am vego too! Might have mentioned that already? I want to write 'I am sorry to hear all that is going on around you' but sorry doesn't even seem good enough for what is happening in your life at the moment. I can understand it feeling a bit selfish to be thinking of your IVF amidst a death in the family. But I can totally understand you wanting your IVF to work out when it has been built up by years of infertility and months of stress on your relationship and many tears. Some studies have shown the stress of infertility to be as high as those suffering cancer so I don't think it's selfish of you to want an end to this nightmare. My first scan is day 6 of my cycle so if your clinic is the same, then it sounds like it won't clash with the funeral. But some clinics do a day 2/3 scan (and I wish mine would!). Do you know which day of your cycle your clinic will first scan you?

No news at my end. My appt with my IVF Dr to arrange my next IVF is next week so that at least feels like something pro-active. But really, I know what is going to happen at that appointment and I won't miraculously walk out pregnant, so the real wait is until March.

anroga, I just replied to your post on the other thread so I will stop babbling on here... but quickly again... amazing results so far and really curious to hear how your other embryos fared (just to know what's normal for other women to compare with my IVF's).

Evening girls. Hubby has another sa booked in for march 16th. The day after our 7th wedding anniversary. We are having a romantic night away in a hotel but won't be able to consumate our love because of the test the next day, hahaha! (the hotel is only a 45min drive from home by the way) The next af after that is the 20th so its cutting it fine to get the results again! Another few days of panic! Another 2 months to wait...

A romantic night away and hubby has to refrain! Hopefully he is busting at the seams the next morning and produces a good sample! Mid March is around when I am expecting my AF and starting another IVF cycle. Will be nice to be going through your IUI/my IVF together if all works out for you. So you join me in counting down to mid March! Feels ages away doesn't it.

Morning everyone

Nothing to report from me, except I'm turning into such a ditzy person trying to remember/ juggle everything - my Aunty's funeral is a week tomorrow and AF is due today, hoping it won't clash with my first scan... Keep telling myself it doesn't matter any more if AF is late but of course I just want to get started and sort out all my hospital dates now (which also means arranging time off). Aaarrrgghh!

Victoria, hope you have a lovely anniversary regardless. Not sure my OH knows the meaning of the word romantic...!

Shell, this high protein vege diet's a pain isn't it?! I'm trying to eat a couple of eggs a day, plus a bit of fish and quorn. More than that would be tricky... I've cut out as many carbs as I can and am having cheese and yogurt as well, I'm not much of a breakfast person but yogurt is ok. I do get occasional strange looks at work when I snack on eggs, tomatoes, broccoli etc!

Sending big hugs to all who require them - I don't get to post as often as I'd like, especially with my mind being like a sieve at the moment!!

Made it to midday so tomorrow will officially be day 1 if AF starts soon. Worked out the timings with the funeral and that would definitely be easiest, which no doubt means it'll be late!! Will do a test tomorrow morning I think, not with any hope of a BFP but to rule it out - then it's just a waiting game!

Lol ruby I'm only getting a romantic weekend because I've booked it and paid for it myself! There is no romance in dh!

Hope af shows up when it should in order to arrange things around other commitments. Or stays away and becomes a last min surprise bfp of course!

Yup if feels a long way to mid March doesn't it. I don't want to wish the time away and I'm the dreaded 35 in April. And yes I know I'm the youngest here!

Yep, birthdays aren't much of a celebration when we are going through this! Yes, I wish I was turning 35 this year instead of 38. But then again, I guess as I am very fortunate to have one son, you are under the same time pressure as me as I am trying for my second at 37 which is about where you will be at.

And, yes Ruby the high protein vegie diet is very difficult. I never used to eat fish but started chowing it down as otherwise my intake wasn't above 25% as per the study. I start every day with a protein shake and make lots of mini quiches to take to work. Hopefully you can keep it up for just two more weeks as this is probably the most important time while your follicles are developing.

I hope the clinic can just do your scan a day early if it clashes with the funeral. Will just be nice for you when AF arrives so you can work it all out.

Me and dh have both only ever wanted one child so it takes the pressure of thinking of ttc a 2nd when we know they are troubles. Although if we had twins that would be fab too lol!

May I ask shell how old were you when you conceived your son and how long were you trying for?

Did af show up rubes?

I'm in that fab part of the month where af has buggered off and I still have another week before ov due. Relax and chill out! Although I nearly passed out in work on Monday with mega cramps and had to go home and watch box sets on the sofa and now I have a UTI and on antibiotics! Looks like it was for the best that I wasn't starting gonal f this week after all as I wouldn't be able to take antibiotcs! Every cloud!

Does he think I was f-ing born yesterday or what?! Does he think I'm stupid!?

Got home today to whiff of smoke so went up to dh and sniffed his beard (as you do) and yes smoke. Confronted him, he says no definately not, he 'swears on his life' that he's not been smoking. I decide to let it go...

Bear with me... This morning I was sorting the washing basket and put back a few items that needed hand washing etc. This evening I decided to remove them too from the basket. I found one of dh's work tops right at the bottom,it def wasn't there this morning. So I stick it under my nose. Absolutely no doubt now, cigarettes.

My mind drifts back to earlier in the week when I noticed my sequin hand wash only sparkly top on top of the washing basket, when I know it was at the bottom,and I jokingly asked dh if he'd been rummaging in the dirty clothes! Now I know why! He was burying another cig smoke covered item!

Giving him silent treatment and he asks why. 'you know why, why are lying to me' 'im not lying, I've not been smoking'. Why doesn't he just come clean?! Why doesn't he want to get healthier?!

Hi girls

Sorry to hear dh has been sneaking around smoking again vic the relief now the transfer has been done I don't have to worry abt my dh's diet, booze intake etc! Useless lot!

I have not had a good week transfer sat was fine but by wed felt terrible went back to the clinic yesterday and they confirmed what I thought hyperstimulation.

The only good thing is the consultant said at this stage this could mean I am mire than likely pregnant, test Monday so fingers crossed x if I can make it to Monday feel dreadful! X

Hi anroga

Sorry to hear you're feeling unwell. What can they do about the hyperstimulation if you are indeed pregnant?

Congratulations in advance anroga - I hope they have sorted out your hyperstimulation now!!

Day 2 of injections for us, and I have to say it's not as bad as I feared, doesn't hurt anything like as much as having a blood test. I couldn't even tell when OH had injected the needle, leading to many jokes about "is it in yet" - LOL first scan is Thursday, which I think is a tad early, but I can't go on Friday as it's my aunty's funeral then - and it wasn't me that suggested that day, it was the (admittedly dim) clinic secretary.

How are you getting on with your OH Victoria? I completely know where you're coming from, it was such a hassle getting mine to admit there was an issue with TTC in the first place and then do something about it - you'd have thought he didn't want kids!! Do you think your OH is in some way embarrassed/ ashamed of smoking and just can't own up? My dad 'gave up' when I was about 5 and then fibbed about smoking for years, he'd smoke after we'd gone to bed, when he went out for a walk, etc etc. He'd always deny it despite smelling of smoke, us finding his cigars etc; I think he couldn't own up that he'd 'failed' at stopping smoking.

I'm not saying that makes it any better or any more excusable that he's not telling you the truth - maybe he just enjoys it too much to stop! - has he given you any explanation/ apology yet? Men are always much less cunning than they think they are…..

BTW, when OH's mum found out that we were starting IVF, her first question was "When will you be bringing the baby home?" - bless her, she has complete confidence and is waiting (VERY) eagerly for her fourth grandchild!!

Hmmmm. Just been reading my IVF books and they recommend no strenuous exercise during an IVF cycle. I'm actually quite sad that I shouldn't go to the gym - I've been going for so many years that it's just what I do in the evenings! Looking for some good books now to while away the evenings... Walking is recommended, so I guess I could go to the gym and do that whilst it's too cold and dark to walk much outside in the evenings, but how dull will that be?!

Hi ruby maybe the book just means no weight lifting etc and 'light' exercise is ok? How about a swim?

Getting on ok with dh, its hard to stay mad at him for long although I know I should be. I know he enjoys smoking for some reason and its not just addiction. Plus the reason we don't go to the pub any more is coz he associates having a pint in one hand with a fag in the other. But he shouldnt be doing it for health reasons as well as fertility reasons. He has chronic asthma and is on tons of pills and inhalers, plus they've recently upped his dosage! They asthma nurse only changed his meds when he 'stopped smoking' as apparently they don't bother trying to cure smokers. So they are wasting precious nhs resources on him at the moment. I dont think all the drugs he's on can be good for his sperm. They are not on the list of meds harmful to sperm but have they really researched all available meds?! I highly doubt it. Something has got to be keeping his morph so low.

Good luck with the preg test anroga and I hope you're feeling a bit better today x