Infertility meltdown

[HappyAmbler]

Hello ladies

I'm a long time lurker and very occasional poster.

This is really just a rant as I'm feeling so utterly shit this evening - hence the title (was crying when I started writing this ). My DH is asleep upstairs as he has to work tomorrow.

This is my third cycle of clomid and AF has just arrived. We have been ttc #1 for 19 months although in that time I've had 22 cycles.

I'm just feeling totally lost as I was only prescribed three months of clomid, and my next appointment at the NHS fertility clinic isn't until mid Feb - so I'm basically going to have two wasted cycles in between.

We still don't really know what the problem is. DH and I are both 31, his SA was normal, my blood tests and ultrasound were normal, my cycles are pretty regular and I'm fairly certain I ovulate every month (temp rise). The only possible factor is my post ovulation (day 21) progesterone levels are 'borderline'. i.e. they indicate ovulation has occurred but not high enough to sustain pregnancy.

I really thought the clomid would 'fix' this seemingly minor problem. And it has in the sense that my post ovulation progesterone levels have been higher, and my luteal phase has been longer, but I'm still not bloody well up the duff

Apparently the next step is HSG - feeling stupid for not insisting this was done before I started the clomid, but I was so convinced the clomid would work...

I guess I'm just starting to panic now. If we don't know what the problem is, how the hell can it be fixed??

Thanks very much if you've got this far. I'm not sure why I'm posting, just needed to get this off my chest I guess. I don't know anyone in RL who's going through this, so it's just helpful to know there are others out there.

Ruby, you are more than welcome to rant away. I just feel for you so much and only wish I could give you a solution to all this crap instead of just sympathy. Before my husbands sperm diagnosis, I was experiencing the same frustration and tears with our public system. I went to my first appointment and was given referral for DH to have sperm test and for me to have blood tests and ultrasound. Had it all done then had to wait 6 weeks for follow up appt. Finally the dame came. 1 1/2 hour train trip to hospital. Wait 2 hours. Dr spends less than 2 minutes with me. Tells me results look okay, not sure why it's not happening, perhaps try doing sperm test at a different lab, hands me a new semen referral for another lab, then ushers me out the door! I could write a book if I kept going on about all the future frustrations with the public system before I went privately for IVF, but just wanting to say that I totally get it. I also get the resentment towards DH. I don't feel the same towards him as I used to and I wonder if it is because of his sperm causing me all this pain and his complete lack of effort to do anything about it. And then after so long of all this utter crap, we get told we need to not stress during IVF!!!!

I was told yesterday that my third embryo didn't make it. Felt despair all evening; of course it died - just like every embryo from all my previous IVF's - why would the embryos this IVF be any different - the two inside me will be just the same - can't afford any more IVF - try to accept now that it's all over.

Hello victoria

Urgh ruby sorry you're having a hard time at the mo. I thought my clinic was a pile of crap but at least I could book my next appointment on the way out! I had an ultrasound AT my first consultant appointment and so did many of the other girls in my other thread. Bit odd you need to make 2. Any indication of how long the wait is? Are you where there is no wait? I.e. England?! Probably as soon as you've had your first appointment you could start the following cycle! Fx!

shell sorry to hear you're feeling down too. Its not over yet hun, you have 2 little beans cooking inside you. When is your test date? I so hope it works out for you xxx

I had a crap planning appointment. The nurse rattled through the meds at the speed of light and I've still got my cd1 and THEIR cd1 confused :-( Also she gave me a demo epi pen thing to practice on, I got putting the needle in wrong and I didn't get a 2nd turn to get it right and no practice getting it out! Its so confusing :-( 3 different drugs given by 3 different needle types! I feel like running for the hills! It caught up with me yesterday and I was blubbing at work and had to take half day after a chat in the store cupboard with one of my seniors!

Oh Shell, I'm so sorry to hear about your third embryo, and I hope you have better news very soon about the other two. It must be devastating to have bad news again. Do your IVF clinic offer a counselling service? We've been offered one but tbh I don't know that I have the time or the inclination to go at the moment. In some ways I'd rather rant on here than trek all the way there to rant again! Either way, sending you big hugs xxx

Victoria, that does sound like a very confusing planning appointment! I hope you're feeling better now, and that you can contact them again for more clarification - surely it's worth their while to make sure you understand it all as well, why be so rushed?! Typical NHS I think of "you're getting it free and we're short on time, stop moaning".

I've had two ultrasounds now - one NHS and one private - but apparently this doctor wants me to have another before he decides which protocol to put me on. Despite giving me the appointment form on Wednesday and telling me to call ASAP and book it in, when I called it turned out I couldn't book it in as he wants the ultrasound results first!! I can't have that till early Jan (as it has to be early in my cycle), I guess at least that gets Christmas out of the way first, but that's always a tough day with OH's mum and dad clearly hoping for more grandchildren…..

By the way Shell, you're completely right, it is sooooo frustrating to be told at every turn "don't stress" when the whole procedure seems to be designed to be as stressful as possible!! Grrrrrr!

Oh Vic & Ruby, I do feel for you both having a hard time at the moment. So was that the first time you spilled the beans at work about the IVF Victoria? Or did you just say you are having personal issues? It's hard to know who to tell and who not to tell. The waiting to get started is the worst part of it all I find, and the NHS is certainly doing a good job of making sure to keep you waiting.

Thanks for your support through my IVF cycle. Logically you are right Victoria, that it's not over because my third embryo died. But it's just felt exactly as Ruby described that all I get is bad news after bad news and now in IVF 9 I get bad news again and you can't help but remember the bad news from 8 previous failures and associate failure with this cycles bad news as well.

Today is cycle day 25 here. My cycles are usually short at 24 to 26 or occasionally 27 days. So my period could be here any time from today onwards... so I'm on high alert in the downstairs dept! But I am taking progesterone pessaries which could delay my period by a few days.

Either way, I will get a blood test Friday as that will be day 29 of my cycle so it shouldn't give a false negative then and I will accept that as the final answer... if my period doesn't arrive before hand. Only 4 days til I know for sure... scared of a negative and how I will ever cope...

Oh, and Ruby, I do feel sorry for you with the confusion/incompetence at your appointment... being told to book another appt ASAP only to be informed that you can't book it as you need the ultrasound next cycle! I keep getting so frustrated for you as I hear of one saga after another. I can't imagine how you feel.

Morning, any new in the "downstairs dept" shell? Thinking of you x

ruby we were also told before our appointment back in Sept I had to have ultrasound results. Thing is they booked me an appointment as there was a 6 week wait. During that 6 week wait I'd booked in and got the results from my ultrasound. Your clinic sounds pants :-(

I'm 11dpo and started spotting yesterday. Don't know why that's started again? Seems to happen when I'm tracking cycles and hoping for a natural bfp. Maybe there is something in this stress malarky. I was feeling hopeful about this month too. Dtd exactly the right times to catch my egg, no regrets like I usually have about maybe we shouldhave done it a day before/after/one more for luck....

I'm hoping proper af doesn't come any earlier than Friday though as I could mess up our January iui cycle. I need a long cycle this month and next so af starts after Jan 17th! Any earlier than that and we are screwed and will have to wait til Feb! Dh has an sa on Jan 13th to make sure he's still ok for iui and they can't do it any earlier coz that's the first day after Xmas shutdown they accept sperm! I can't call up with my day 1 and start drugs until the results are back and ok. It needs to be a few days later!

So we are both desperately willing no period then victoria. I really hope it holds out for you. You've waited long enough!!

Still no period here. Today is day 27 of my cycle and I am supposed to have a blood test at the IVF clinic on day 32. But that's the same day I leave for holidays and I don't want them calling me with bad news two hours before I leave. So I am going to brave it and get a blood test tomorrow - day 28. I will then get the results Friday so I can have time to recover (smash things!) if it isn't good news.

Everything crossed for you shell

I feel like I'm gonna start any minute and on crotch watch. Its all such a crapper :-(

Shell - wishing you lots and lots of luck for the blood test!!

Victoria - any news? It's very awkward being a woman; hoping my AF behaves itself so we can have the scan on Jan 2nd as planned, but who knows if it will decide to arrive early or late!

No news from me, just a bit stressed over Christmas, not my favourite time of year really - never seem to get enough done beforehand to relax and enjoy it. Another Christmas Day with OH's mum & dad asking us hopefully about grandchildren isn't exactly my idea of fun! I've been really short with OH recently, partly because I'm fed up with the whole TTC (and it being his bloody fault that we're going for IVF) and partly because an old flame is back on the scene. I know it's a case of "the grass is always greener" but of course it always makes you think "what if….."

An old flame of yours or his? Not quite clear :-) Don't be too hard of your dh, its not really his fault. Be nice to each other x Do your in laws know you are having trouble conceiving? Mine kept asking about grandchildren until I could take no more and made dh tell his mum. Asking stopped, job done.

Af is threatening to arrive any minute, crotch watch central here! Cramps and feeling ick. Got to go out for an Xmas meal tonight and really just want to stay in an wallow. I'd only lose £20 if I don't go ... I can cope with that....

Good luck with the blood test shell x

We had unexplained fertility for over FOUR years. On the eve of IVF treatments...surprise conception. I had a few girlfriends I talked to throughout all the waiting and clomid treatments and everything, but it wasn't common knowledge. After conceiving, we did make our struggle more or less public knowledge - it's part of our journey both in parenthood and faith. The great thing is that now I'm getting chances to talk (and more importantly, listen with some understanding) to other women going through the same heartbreaking struggle. I'm so glad all those tears weren't for nothing. Though I do feel kind of bad showing up to talk to someone about infertility now I have a 9-month baby bump

Oh Ruby, I know the feeling all to well of feeling resentment towards OH for my desperate desire for a baby not happening being the result of his dud sperm. Actually, what really made me mad was not the sperm issue itself. It was the fact that he wouldn't do a thing to try to fix it. If he tried to improve his diet and exercise I would feel like we were in it together. Instead, he skipped breakfast, had his meat pie and coffee for morning tea, McDonalds for lunch and sit on the couch after work all evening watching TV and eating junk. Is your hubby doing anything to try to rectify the situation? Or is it just a male thing that they feel de-masculated and don't like to have to admit there is something wrong with their sperm?

I was ike you Victoria, very open about our issue. Although I don't tell them specifics of when the IVF cycle starts and when we expect an outcome as that would just put extra pressure on me.

So here in Aus, I haven't got a BFP yet, but not a BFN yet either. Today is day 29 - so officially the first day of a missed period in a textbook 28 day cycle. The fact that my cycle is always short rather than late is promising. And I have moments where I get this feeling in my uterus and it feels like I am pregnant. But I did a pregnancy test at home this morning and it was still negative. Then I start to think perhaps the feeling is all in my head and it's just the progesterone holding off AF. I have an official blood test Monday to get a definite answer.

Morning shell, I thought you were getting an earlier blood test as you were going away? Sorry you got a BFN on a home test. But it's not over yet as your period hasn't started... Fingers are crossed for you xx

No period for me yet either, it's just teasing me by showing up late! I am due on today but it could be at any time so not getting hopes up yet. If it hasn't shown up tomorrow I will let myself think positive thoughts and poas Sunday.

Morning ruby hope you have made up with dh now?

Hi day spring congrats on your bump after your long wait. it can happen I guess. I am unexplained too.

I was going to do a blood test early vic as I thought I would need it to book in to the hospital where I want to have my baby and I wanted to arrange that before I went away if I was indeed pregnant. But turns out I don't need that to book in at the hospital and taking time from work to get a blood test and then get an appointment with my Dr for results was difficult Anyway, it all doesn't matter now as my period started last night. I just went numb and froze for about a minute when I saw blood. I am convinced the embryo did try to implant and I had an early miscarriage as I had a definite different feeling in my uterus over 5 days and my longest every cycle. I hope you both have success first time. It's just so devastating to go through such a build up process to IVF, then the cycle goes by and it's failed and you just have to somehow accept it and move on.

Going on holidays on Monday and I might find somewhere where I can use the internet, but if not, just want to give a heads up.

Oops, I mean 'my longest ever cycle' not 'every cycle'. My minds a bit all over the place at the moment!

Oh shell I'm so so sorry. I really hoped this was it for you. What a complete big pile of steaming shit you have been through. I can't imagine how you must feel. Massive hugs x x

Af arrived here last night too. Well early hours of this morning. Pain preventing me from getting back to sleep and now I've got to get up and work the whole day. Urgh.

Not sure whether to ttc this month at all so I'm not symptom spotting in the 2ww and just have a chillout month before starting treatment in middle of Jan. Its hardly likely to work naturally after 25/26 cycles is it?

Try to enjoy your holidays as much as you can. Lavish loads of love on your little girl. Rest up x

Yes, people say relax and stay positive, but with a 26 cycle failure rate, it's very hard to be optimistic about cycle 27. I am at about cycle 46 of failure. I am actually thinking of doing home IUI this cycle - getting DH to deposit into a cup and then I use a syringe and catheter placed just into my cervix to get it up there. Even though hubby has dud sperm, I am sure I am contributing to the problem as I make no fertile CM. So if I can get the sperm direct into the cervix instead of into the acidic non fertile CM vagina of mine, perhaps that will increase the chances????

Sounds very bizarre and desperate I know, but I just need to feel like I am trying something new as I can't afford IVF again for a while.

Who knows if that might work shell. When was last time your dh had a sperm test? Are there any normal ones in there at all?

No, DH's sperm was 100% abnormal at last check. The acrosome which is the outer layer on the sperms head that contains enzymes to enable it to break down and penetrate the egg, is either small or completely missing. After his test showed 100% abnormal, I had him take supplements and repeat it a couple of times, but still 100% abnormal. His diet is just as pathetic now as it was then so I am sure it will still be the same.

I am going on holidays this afternoon until 30th Dec, so I might not be able to check in much/at all while I am away. Will speak to you and Ruby when I get back, when we are all hopefully a little closer to our dream in 2015.

Shell, so sorry to hear your news - well, sorry doesn't even come close enough, I'm gutted for you. I hope you enjoy your holidays and come back rested after the whole horrible experience, ready to decide what to do next.

And Victoria, hope AF isn't giving you too much grief this time….. rubbish isn't it, not only are we disappointed month after month, but we have lots of pain as well!!

I'm still in a pickle really, the old flame on the scene was mine. We met 10 years ago when he was about to leave the country to make a new life in NZ with his girlfriend, there was an attraction there but bad timing, nothing happened. We kept in touch via email and then I saw him again 3 years later at a mutual friend's wedding. Kissed all night, he'd split up with his GF and said he'd move back to the UK to be with me, then sent me an email a few weeks later saying he'd changed his mind and was staying in NZ. No explanation or apology. I was devastated.

Anyhow, a few months later on I got together with OH and have been (mostly!) happy ever since. However the other chap is now back in the UK, has grovelingly apologised and given the usual explanations about bad timing, etc etc. Which I don't have much time for tbh, but we get on soooo well, and I guess there is always the 'what if?'. It's not that OH has done anything wrong as such but as Shell put it, I'm very frustrated that he will make no effort to change things, despite supposedly being desperate for kids.

Can totally understand that Ruby. I too would be fantasizing about what a nice escape that would be from the reality of our daily infertility struggles and the strain that it puts on our current relationship. I just got an email that my ex posted something on facebook and I couldn't help but have a look and see what he was up to. It's just a nice fantasy world that is so tempting as an escape from our reality. And what timing that he is back in your life now!

Yes, I am back from holidays and felt quite rested upon my return. But it's only taken a few days of being back with hubby for his laziness to start irritating me again and for me to start feeling back in the negative resentful way I was before I left. Going to try and somehow not allow that to happen and try to stay rested. I can dream!

I have eaten crap and drank way too much alcohol on my holiday. I study on high protein low carb IVF diet said that it showed improved embryo quality when followed for two months prior to IVF cycle. So I am going to try to get back on track, then after this cycle finishes, wait two full cycles before embarking on IVF again. So around mid March.

Hi ladies can i please join this thread?

I had my first IVF and my OTD is this Monday. However earlier this week I was getting pre AF headaches and acne. Sure enough I have been spotting since last night. Despite my better judgement I took a HPT this morning and it was a definite BFN.

I am devastated now. I just wanted to know the next steps, i.e. when can I potentially start a new IVF cycle or even start again naturally.
Is the bleed that I am having now count as a period thus meaning I should ovulate naturally in a couple of weeks?

Hi Shoegal

You are more than welcome to join us; unfortunately I can't help with your questions as I haven't had IVF yet, but hopefully someone else will be able to assist. Have you tried phoning your clinic for advice, assuming they're open at weekends?

Shell, I hope you had a fab holiday and it hasn't been ruined by lazy DH!! My OH is now on Wellman conception vitamins in the hope of getting his swimmers to do something useful I had a scan on Friday which all went well, they've decided that I'll be on the short protocol, although I'm not sure what that will actually mean for us yet - we have our clinic appointment on the 15th when we'll get all the info (and drugs!) that we need. I'm guessing I'll start from CD1 after that, which will be around the 24th.

As for the nice fantasy world, you are so right!! The other guy is an escape from living with OH, the strains of TTC, work being difficult etc. I hope your DH didn't post anything too bad on Facebook?

Victoria, how are you getting on with IUI, any update?

Wow Ruby, I can't believe it is FINALLY happening and you will be starting IVF in a couple of weeks! How is your OH about taking the vitamins? Mine whinges so much and it makes me frustrated considering it's him with the issue and it takes him 30 seconds to swallow some pills each night which I think is hardly any effort. I am dreading having to resume the nightly battle of putting pills in front of him as I get back on track for another IVF cycle.

Shoegal. You are very welcome here. I just had another failed IVF last cycle so I completely get where you are at. You are like me, just wanting to know the next steps. I think getting on with plan B helps us look forward to new hope of a pregnancy and lessens the huge blow of plan A failing. Can I ask how your IVF cycle went - how many eggs, how many embryos, did you have a day 3 or 5 transfer?

The period after an IVF cycle is a normal period and you will ovulate normally this coming cycle. Have you been given any diagnosis as to why it is not happening naturally?

Hi shoegal I can't help with ivf questions either but shell is very knowledgeable :-)

Glad you had a nice break shell. My dh is also being especially lazy and annoying lately too. Told him today the last few weeks with him has been anything but enjoyable. He's turned into a total hyperchondriac. The GP has put him on these really strong ibuprofen type drugs and he didn't even ask if they might affect fertility. He just doesn't think. The leaflet inside says not to take if you're a woman ttc, nothing about males. But still...

ruby brilliant news that it's finally happening! And so soon considering last time you posted you didn't know what the next step might be!

As for me... Dh has a sa on Jan 13th which will tell us if we can start iui on my next cycle. They woudn't normally do another but I requested it because of how many medicines he's been pouring down his throat over the past 3 months. If his fellas have been affected that's the end of iui for I don't know how long :-( resenting dh right now, can you tell?!