Infertility meltdown

[HappyAmbler]

Hello ladies

I'm a long time lurker and very occasional poster.

This is really just a rant as I'm feeling so utterly shit this evening - hence the title (was crying when I started writing this ). My DH is asleep upstairs as he has to work tomorrow.

This is my third cycle of clomid and AF has just arrived. We have been ttc #1 for 19 months although in that time I've had 22 cycles.

I'm just feeling totally lost as I was only prescribed three months of clomid, and my next appointment at the NHS fertility clinic isn't until mid Feb - so I'm basically going to have two wasted cycles in between.

We still don't really know what the problem is. DH and I are both 31, his SA was normal, my blood tests and ultrasound were normal, my cycles are pretty regular and I'm fairly certain I ovulate every month (temp rise). The only possible factor is my post ovulation (day 21) progesterone levels are 'borderline'. i.e. they indicate ovulation has occurred but not high enough to sustain pregnancy.

I really thought the clomid would 'fix' this seemingly minor problem. And it has in the sense that my post ovulation progesterone levels have been higher, and my luteal phase has been longer, but I'm still not bloody well up the duff

Apparently the next step is HSG - feeling stupid for not insisting this was done before I started the clomid, but I was so convinced the clomid would work...

I guess I'm just starting to panic now. If we don't know what the problem is, how the hell can it be fixed??

Thanks very much if you've got this far. I'm not sure why I'm posting, just needed to get this off my chest I guess. I don't know anyone in RL who's going through this, so it's just helpful to know there are others out there.

Ruby, I just can't imagine having to deal with such a hopeless NHS system. It seems from the time you start thinking you have a problem to actually doing IVF is about a 3 year time frame! I guess I am lucky that I can pick and choose when I want to do IVF - although I am paying through the nose for it and just working to fund the next IVF. Makes me start to think this is absurd when I think what else I could have done with the money... bought a new car... renovated our house... but after each failure I keep thinking just one more.

Glad your husband is a lot better. Funny, we all used to complain about them and now all at the same time they have started behaving. Mine is going to the gym twice a week so I hope this makes the difference for out next IVF.

Oh god I was blubbing over the SMA folow on milk advert last night! The one that says "mums, take it from us, you're doing great". I'm not a mum!! Argh!

Yep, the reminders are everywhere aren't they *Victoria"
Baby aisles in shopping centres, pharmacies, mums out with babies... the list goes on.

The reminders certainly are everywhere... I'm off work now recovering from my laparoscopy, it's nice to have some time off to potter round in, but wouldn't you know it's bloody half term!! Tried to go out yesterday and today for a peaceful look round town to get some early Christmas presents and have a sit down when needed, but by 11am everywhere is heaving…

Anyhow, the lap & dye went well, no problems found - there was delayed spill from one tube (the one they thought might be blocked and need to be cut) but even that was ok. I've felt rubbish ever since though; the official info says it will take a few days to feel better but all the nurses I've spoken to said to allow two weeks! I'm due back at work Thursday, might get signed off for a bit longer if necessary.

Any news from anyone else? We have a follow up appointment with the consultant (or one of his minions) next Thursday, OH is going for his NHS test tomorrow, and I've persuaded him that we should go for private fertility tests (for both of us) next week as well. It will help to get a second opinion on what the issue is and what we can do to resolve it as well; OH was talking last night to a friend who he hasn't seen for a while, him and his wife have had three rounds of IVF and he said it wasn't worth it, his wife was a hormonal nightmare. I told him it's only to be expected - you're taking a very emotional process and adding lots of artificial hormones - plus it didn't work for them, if it had worked he'd have said it was all worth it!

My only other news is very sad, one of my best friends has been diagnosed with breast cancer - she's having an operation next Tuesday and then they'll start chemo and/ or radiotherapy early January. The odds are in her favour as she's young (44) and healthy, hence why they can hit it with everything possible, but her mum's had it as well - many years ago though, and she survived.

Sending lots of hugs to everyone!

That's very sad news Ruby about your friend. Glad to hear the odds are in her favor. Bizarre to hear you say she's young at 44 so can be hit with everything while I am going through IVF and feeling very very old at 37 and like my time is just about up. but yes, 44 is young for that diagnosis and I wish her all the best. Kinda helps put some perspective on our situation that we must be lucky for our health... albeit I will continue to complain about my situation!

Glad to hear you have a follow up appointment next Thursday. In normal proceedings, I would assume that would mean the Dr will give you your results and arrange the necessary treatment - ie. IVF. But in NHS proceedings, I am not sure after hearing all your stories. Do you just on another waiting list after this appointment?!

As for me, today is day 6 of my cycle so I am just waiting this cycle out so I can start ICSI next cycle. Really being good with diet now as the time draws near. Also trying meditation which is slightly helpful.

Hey Shell! How is it going with the meditation?

My friend had her op yesterday - not sure whether it was a lumpectomy or a mastectomy - the doctors found another lump whilst carrying out more tests, and thought they might have to take more tissue if not the whole breast. She's hoping to go home today, if so I'll go round and see her. As you say, it's all about perspective - they've told her that she's young and healthy so all should be well, albeit after chemo and/ or radiotherapy! Incidentally she had her little boy at 39, completely naturally :-)

I'm really hoping that tomorrow we will FINALLY be told we're on the IVF waiting list, but then we have no idea how long that is in our area! More news tomorrow - I can't see what further tests they can possibly want to carry out, but hey, they've dragged it out this long so maybe they'll manage to find something else as well.

Today OH and I are going for private fertility tests, SA for him as usual (men have it easy!) whilst I get poked and prodded a bit more. Ouch! Still sore from the lap and dye, apparently it's a two week recovery time rather than the 'few days' I was told by the (male) consultant. The clinic will also give us options and costs of what they'd recommend if we went private. Depending on the outcome tomorrow, we may have to open the piggy bank!!

So your friend has a 5 year old boy which would really make her stress about her cancer outcome and leaving him behind. Another lump is scary as it means it's spread but from your words it sounds like she's been reassured that all should be well... after the ordeal or chemo/radiotherapy!

I hope the next time you type, you are able to state that you are finally on the IVF waiting list. As you say, can't imagine what else they can think of to waste more time. But then again, I have chatted with others on here before who have been diagnosed with things like completely blocked tubes... so no chance natural... and the NHS requirement is that they have to try natural for 3 years before IVF. Crazy.

At least your hubby sounds on board if he is willing to go for a private SA. I remember him avoiding this in times past - wonder what has changed?

I am still doing the very slow count down until I start IVF again in two weeks. I haven't actually even told my husband yet! Eek. I just want to have a normal relationship for a bit instead of me telling him I want to try again and it putting a strain on things. But I must tell him so I can know he is on board with the idea to take the stress off my mind of him not co-operating

And a shout out to Victoria. Here's hoping your absence on here means you are busy enjoying you new loving relationship with hubby once things were brought to a head (well, we can dream can't we)!

Hi shell and ruby! Actually my absence has been enjoying a new loving relationship with hubby! Things are like they were years ago! Ithink he realised that he could lose me and pulled his socks up! We have been really going for it ttc (naturally) this month as nothing to lose, we have been deemed normal, oh and I have a good amh! Seeing if the tube clearing has done anything!

Hope you feel better soon ruby and the private investigations go ok.

Tell hubby shell! X

That's good news Victoria! He obviously realised how much he might lose if he didn't show some effort…..

Good news for us too, we have FINALLY been referred for IVF it was a bit traumatic at our appointment today - we waited over an hour to go in, only to see a doctor who clearly knew nothing about our situation and asked if I'd tried drugs to help me ovulate. I pointed out that I didn't need them and showed him our results from the private appointment yesterday, at which point he disappeared for 10 minutes to speak to the consultant! Anyhow, when he came back in he said we would be referred for ICSI as there wasn't anything else that could help us. We have to go back for blood tests tomorrow - because by that time it was so late that the phlebotomy clinic had closed! - pick a clinic from the list they gave us and call the fertility nurse to let her know. We SHOULD have an appointment within 4 to 8 weeks, although it may end up being after Christmas, and then apparently they will start IVF on that cycle or the next one!

Private appointment yesterday only showed what we knew already, that I am fine and dandy whilst OH's sperm count is low and the motility is too low as well. And then he moaned that he'll have to have a blood test, like I haven't had plenty already with more to come. Grrrrr!

That's great news Ruby that you have FINALLY been referred for IVF. And while 4-8 weeks is ages away (I am waiting 2 weeks to start my IVF and it feels like forever), I was actually expecting it to be a longer wait so this seems very soon - in NHS timelines.

Well Vic, when I wrote in my last post that I hope you absence is because you are enjoying your new loving relationship with hubby, I wasn't expecting it to be true! I am truly so happy for you. Mmm, who can I pash to give my hubby a wake up call...

Lol I wouldnt recommend it shell, it was touch and go for a while!

Great news ruby! Looks like we mat be going through treatment at the same time after Xmas! Although I'll 'only' be having iui, I will still be using injections to induce a fake ovulation at a lower dose than ivf. Most unexpected as I used to think it was done on natural cycles!

Only two weeks to wait Shell, hang on in there!!

LOL Victoria, my OH often waffles on about the number of women he pulled in his younger and thinner days, then as soon as I mentioned that I was invited to my ex's birthday he got all huffy! I didn't go as it happened to be at the same time I was having my op, but I don't see why I shouldn't have, we're still friends.

Back to typical NHS incompetence today….. turned up at the hospital for blood tests, mine was fine but as OH's is a specialist one, they don't do them on Friday as the blood has to be couriered to another hospital afterwards! Wasted journey again then, as nobody told us that yesterday. Forgive me if I don't believe them when they say 4 to 8 weeks!

Might be only two weeks, but it feels like an eternity! But I know I really can't complain about a two week wait on here when you Ruby are being told 4-8 weeks... and then as you say, it's the NHS so perhaps not even believable!

For your first IVF, you get your hopes that that you are trying something new and finally this could be the answer - and for a lot of couples it is. But now that I am going on to IVF 9, I just want it to hurry up as after 8 failed IVF's I am just so desperate to be at my first IVF scan after starting drugs to see if this change in protocol is going to produce a better result.

Urgh I was so convinced that this month would be different post hsg. Ha! How dumb am I? Why would it be different to any other crappy month?! Moping around tonight with af cramps. Same old.

How are u shell, ruby?

I totally get that Victoria. I had read a statistic online of increased BFP success in the 3 months after lap, yet disappointed when it didn't happen in my case. And you and hubbys renewed commitment toward your relationship and your desire to have a baby would have had you feeling extra positive.

I had an endometrial scratch this month a few days after ovulation in prep for IVF next cycle, so no chance for any embryo to implant. Yet because they say, just when you give up it will happen, I find myself wishfully thinking that now I have given up on this cycle, an embryo will miraculously find somewhere to implant and I won't have to go through IVF next month!

But if that ridiculous plan fails, I am now taking estrogen twice daily in prep for IVF next cycle. Today is day 22 of my cycle so it finally feels like IVF isn't too far away.

Sorry Victoria, that's rubbish :-( so sorry you weren't lucky this month either. I'm in the same sort of situation as Shell; I know now that it's very unlikely OH & I will conceive without assistance, but you never know!

No news from us, I'll give it another week and then contact the hospital again, see if I can get a date for our referral appointment. Even if it's in January I'd rather know so I have something to work towards, and so I can book the day off.

I was told the same about the lap but think it's unlikely to happen to me seeing as the doctors always knew the issue lay with OH!!

Work is horrid at the moment, just horrid. I'm only sticking it out for the maternity pay - if there's no sign of that being required by the New Year then I'm off!

I actually only bled for one day on Sunday. so I'm not counting that as cd1. This wierd thing has happened at least 4 times thus year giving me false hope that its implantation. Learnt from the 1st time that its not though. Can't even call it spotting because I class that as the icky brown stuff. This is always full on red, a single regular tampon worth, or even half a tampon. Then nothing for 2 days. Zero zilch. Af was due tomorrow so we'll see.

Sorry you're not happy at work at the moment ruby. I love my job so can't imagine how u feel. Are u actively looking for something else or can u afford not to have somewhere to go for a bit? Any more news on appointments? How soon can u have rtreatment after an op?

When do you start your treatment shell? Will it clash with Xmas? Our clinic doesn't do cycles in December coz of sodding Xmas.

Our appointment is next Thursday.

Sounds awful Ruby. Home stress with TTC and then work stress too. Can you chase up this 4-8 week timeline and see if you're on a list so that you can have some sort of mental count down.

That sounds bizarreVictoria with your period. Can only imagine how cruel it must have been the first time getting your hopes up. What is the appointment for next Thursday? Will it get you on the IVF waiting list?

As for me, today is CD26. I had a spot of blood yesterday and had a mild cramp earlier today so it should definitely be here tomorrow. I will start the IVF injections the day after and have my first scan to get a glimpse of how things will work out at day 6 which will be next Wednesday.

Af woke me up at 4am this morning! Really bad pains and loads of blood. Had to clean myself up and take lots of pills! Woke poor dh up too as we don't usually flush in the night and turn on lights! Luckily I didn't have to work today but dh does!

The appointment next week is to say yes we've thought about it and would like to accept treatment. Hopefully we will get a timescale. Usually its as soon as your next cycle as there is no waiting list once you're in. However, Xmas will get in the way so I think my cycle start in mid Jan will have to be the one! Gives us this one and next to ttc naturally again. Sick of it tho. I hate the effort of sex!

Yes, the effort of sex! I spoke to one lady who got pregnant in four months of trying and she joked that her husband complained he would have liked more trying. She should see what it's like on this side of the fence. Not fun.

What a period! I thought I remember you saying that your periods had gotten lighter over time and you were concerned? Am I wrong, or is this one just a one off doozy? Perhaps because of the treatment?

I wasn't feeling optimistic about your appointment after all the NHS stories I hear. But it sounds like things are finally happening for you and it's realistic to say that IVF will occur in January.

My period has finally arrived today too. So I can finally get on with IVF instead of all the waiting. Think my first scan will be next Wednesday when I will either leave the clinic doing cartwheels if I have a scan showing this IVF protocol is the one that's right for me and my ovaries are finally growing several follicles, or I will be leaving in tears.

Aww we've syncronised periods! How weird!

My periods were lighter until the last couple. They've gone really painful. I still only bleed for a few days compared to up to 9 in my younger days. This month has been bad tho, I've had cramps for about a week prior to the proper bad dizzying pain today. I'm wondering if I have endo and its gettin worse each month as I'm off fake hormone contraception longer and longer. But as the doc says if its not blocking my tubes they don't treat it for infertility.

ruby do you have endo? Is that what your lap was for? What are your symptoms if so. Forgive my ignorance as I don't really know your back story :-(

Good luck with your first scan shell. Sending u loads of four leaf clovers and stuff x

Yes, we've synchronized periods... now if we could just synchronize a BFP this cycle please!

Sorry I can't provide any help on the endo as it's not my issue. Hopefully the Dr at your appointment can provide some answers?