Infertility meltdown

[HappyAmbler]

Hello ladies

I'm a long time lurker and very occasional poster.

This is really just a rant as I'm feeling so utterly shit this evening - hence the title (was crying when I started writing this ). My DH is asleep upstairs as he has to work tomorrow.

This is my third cycle of clomid and AF has just arrived. We have been ttc #1 for 19 months although in that time I've had 22 cycles.

I'm just feeling totally lost as I was only prescribed three months of clomid, and my next appointment at the NHS fertility clinic isn't until mid Feb - so I'm basically going to have two wasted cycles in between.

We still don't really know what the problem is. DH and I are both 31, his SA was normal, my blood tests and ultrasound were normal, my cycles are pretty regular and I'm fairly certain I ovulate every month (temp rise). The only possible factor is my post ovulation (day 21) progesterone levels are 'borderline'. i.e. they indicate ovulation has occurred but not high enough to sustain pregnancy.

I really thought the clomid would 'fix' this seemingly minor problem. And it has in the sense that my post ovulation progesterone levels have been higher, and my luteal phase has been longer, but I'm still not bloody well up the duff

Apparently the next step is HSG - feeling stupid for not insisting this was done before I started the clomid, but I was so convinced the clomid would work...

I guess I'm just starting to panic now. If we don't know what the problem is, how the hell can it be fixed??

Thanks very much if you've got this far. I'm not sure why I'm posting, just needed to get this off my chest I guess. I don't know anyone in RL who's going through this, so it's just helpful to know there are others out there.

Yes Ruby, hard to be in the mood with a hangover!
Oh well, hopefully it was a great night out to forget your troubles instead.
I was about to walk in to my 'pre transfer acupuncture' appt when I got a call. The embryo had died.
Thought I would be sobbing uncontrollably but I am not.
I suppose because it wasn't that IVF isn't working and it's time to quit.
It's just that one injection went wrong so there is hope for next time.

Really trying hard to do greater than 25% protein and less than 40% carb diet.
Study showed that this diet for 2 months prior to IVF increases embryos that survive to day 5 from 30% to 50%.
So far I have had 0% survive with my 6 fertilised eggs, so something needs to change before next IVF.
I have tried eating protein daily since reading this study but not sure my intake fits into these percentages.
So now I am recording all my food on 'Calorie King' website to make sure.
Not sure how long I will have the motivation to keep it up, when all I have for my efforts so far is failure.
Will see IVF Dr next week and hopefully book in for another IVF soon so that I can have a count down date to keep at this diet.

Victoria, if you check in while on holidays, let us know - did your period hold out so that you can have your HSG after your holiday?

Yet again shell I'm sorry for your loss :-(

I'm still af free! Cd31. At least it didn't spoil our fab day trip out to the waterfalls today. I was worried I'd be in pain and feeling blech. Thought it would come Mon or Tue. Wed it is then! So yes anyway if it comes tomorrow I can call up the UK for my hsg next week.

Stoll no date for your lap then ruby?!

Thanks Victoria. Glad that you can enjoy your holiday knowing it is not delaying your HSG and subsequent treatment. CD31 and still AF free... is that normal for you... perhaps it is the three of you on holidays after all!?!?

Unfortunately my cycles have been getting longer by a few days. I started out having 27-29 days for the first year off contraception. This 2nd year its been up to 32 so nothing unusual. Weirdly I seem to be synchronizing with my period tracker app! Do lengthening cycles mean my fertility is starting to decrease with age? My mother had a late menopause so I'm not worried about it.

I have actually read the opposite Victoria - that cycles shorten with age and remember reading one study that shorter cycles correlated with less IVF success. This had me worried as my cycles are between 24-26 days long. But yours are getting longer! No idea about that!

Full blown af with lots of pain this morning :-( I wonder if I should Google lengthening cycles now I'm awake....

Drats. There goes my hope that your DTD 3 days before ovulation miraculously ended this for you. In all my online Googling, I never actually researched lengthening cycles as it's not been my problem. I guess most sites would talk about them lengthening to really long - like from 28 to suddenly being 40-45 days long which would probably indicate non ovulation. But I guess most sites or even Dr's would say it's normal for cycles to vary by a couple of days. I guess either way, it aint happening naturally so IVF is the answer. Glad you can get that HSG and get things underway.

I only bled for 2 days. That's not a good sign :-(

Is that normal for you? I only bleed for two days too - and even then, I hardly need to bother about using anything to catch it - it's that light. My IVF Dr told me that my flow has nothing to do with the thickness of my lining and that it just means my body is very effective at clotting. I don't quite understand and am not reassured by her words. If the lining is thicker, then shouldn't there be more blood to shed??

This cycle with all the IVF meds, my lining was the thickest it has been of all my IVF cycles - at 10.1mm. The lining range that correlates with optimal IVF implantation success according to one site I read is between 10 and 14mm so I was excited this cycle that once the embryo was in there, I would have top chances of it implanting. Unfortunately never got that far. But now my period is due any day and I will be curious to see if the flow is heavier, meaning that this is how my period should always be if my lining was optimal that cycle. If I have still have my usual light two day period after knowing that my lining was in the optimal range, then I will believe my Dr's theory that my body is just good at clotting.

My flow days used to be 8-9 when I was in my late teens, early 20's! Didn't have any on the implant and when I came off it they were about 4-5 days. Now its 2-3! Deffo heading down the slippery slope. I've been reading that heading towards peri menopause flows either become really heavy or really light or lengthen or shorten. No one is the same. I remember my mum going through menopause at around age 50 or late 40's. She bled like there was no tomorrow! I remember an awful tome when we were out for lunch and she'd gone through a super tampon and super pad through her trousers and onto the seat in the cafe. It was awful. She had to wear special knickers in the end. All these joys to come huh?

Good news about your last lining, hope its the same next time. And of course you get embies to put in it.

Yes, good news about my last lining... but what good is a nice thick lining with no embryos to implant. My periods have always been quite light so I guess I can live in denial that things are going down hill. But the fact that yours have gone from 8-9 to 2-3 really shows it must be happening to me too. Can I ask how old you are again?

I'm 34 and a half ;-)

Shell, I hope that the lining news bodes well for the next IVF! It doesn't seem like the doctors are very helpful even though you're paying $$$, is there any way you could ask for more reassurance/ answers to your questions?

Victoria, I think 34 1/2 is pretty young to be going through the menopause, I honestly wouldn't worry there :-) at our clinic talk on Saturday the consultant was saying that the biggest indication of menopause age was when your mum (and her sisters if she has any) went through it. If your mum was at least 10 years older than you are now, your cycles changing is probably due to other factors….. has your weight changed since you first started your periods, that (and smoking) can affect your cycles?

Well, I liked the clinic on Saturday and agreed with their 'more natural' IVF ethos. However, the consultant - whilst a very pleasant chap - was a bit dull and baffled most of us with science! Also I don't think the NHS go along with the 'less drugs' approach, but maybe they will if you ask them to? We'd have to go private to go down that route…..

That's very interesting Ruby that the clinics are promoting a more natural IVF on the first attempt. I thought usually they would go for 10-15 eggs to up the chances of success and that natural IVF was more for people who are poor responders and usually only produce 1-3 eggs anyway, so only in that case then why fry them with extra meds and just try to grow them natural. How many eggs do they generally collect with their natural method? And did they say they are still have the same success rate despite less eggs due to better quality?

I am going to my Dr's appointment tomorrow so I am very curious as I have to make a final decision about the details of my next IVF before then.

Morning lovely Shell, in a rush at work today but try ismaar.org/ xx

Hiya. HSG done. Tubes are clear. Now to wait for next weds appointment to see what comes next!

Couldn't get that link to work Ruby. Anyway, have seen my IVF Dr and now come up with a plan for next IVF anyway - not the 'more natural' IVF. Changing my medication from Menopur (a combination of FSH and LH) to Puregon (just FSH) which I have read gets the follicles growing at a more consistent rate. Then only adding the LH once my follicles get to 13 or so mm. Dr Hope said this actually mimics what happens in a natural cycle so that made me even more convinced this is the right choice.

Don't know if all that IVF talk and IVF meds is confusing when it's not where you guys are up to. So now it's just a waiting game. I am only a few days into my new cycle after I got my period from my failed IVF cycle. So I have to wait all this cycle out, then start estrogen on day 20 of my next cycle for IVF the cycle after that.

So will be doing IVF in December and get a result just before xmas. Eek.

Victoria, that's great news - I think. I recall actually being relieved when I was told one tube was blocked. It felt like at last after a year of infertility, they have found a cause and can now fix it so I can get pregnant. All the people who had been telling me relax and it will happen had made me feel a bit insane and after that diagnosis, I felt like 'see people, I'm not insane - there is an actual medical issue!'. Albeit I had a lap two months later which cleared the blockage and two years later, still no pregnancy!. Anyway, glad that your follow up appointment isn't far away so you aren't left in limbo waiting to hear what the next step is.

Everything has gone tits up :-(

Massive bust up with hubby and we've 'delayed' treatment. He found out I'd kissed another man. Its all a mess.

Oh shit Victoria.

Must admit, my mind has jokingly considered DTD with another man to get my baby and put an end to my misery when hubby had his abnormal sperm diagnosis yet kept telling me there was nothing wrong with his sperm while he continued eating crap and not exercising.

Not sure if all this drama is what's caused you to kiss another man. What a mess.

Sorry for going AWOL - we've been away for a few days and the promised hotel Internet was terrible!!

Same for me Shell, it's hard not to consider that when my OH is making no effort...! To be fair I think it's not his fault and he is (generally) supportive, but he's just rubbish thinking about specifics - you know, try more vitamins, exercise more etc. I'm sure some of my ex's have great swimmers

Have you sorted things out with your hubby Victoria? It sounds like the TTC has put a lot of strain on your relationship - I hope he at least acknowledges that!

You too then Ruby. Hopefully that gives Victoria some comfort that she is not alone and this TTC has put a strain on all of us and made us at least think about things outside our relationship. A holiday sounds nice. You seem like you get away a bit which must be a nice break from this crap. I can't afford it with the cost of IVF here!

Men don't seem to see things the same way we do Victoria and he probably sees the kiss is not because you want to be cheating on him and kissing others. It's about feeling so neglected from the person who is supposed to care for you the most. Perhaps some counsellng would help?

Hellooo - sorry, was snooping but then decided to comment - may or may not help!!

Basically it took me almost leaving my DH for him to actually change his ways. He was a heavy drinker and smoker (and not just tobacco) for the first year of us TTC, while I was doing EVERYTHING to try and get pregnant. He just wan't making any effort in that or in our relationship in general. I spent a good few months after those first months of TTC sleeping in another room, convinced I was going to leave him. Thankfully he changed his ways and we are so much happier since that hiccup in our relationship! After a few months of more TTC we went to the FC and turned out he has 0% morph and low count. After more than 2 years of a completely different, healthier lifestyle, taking wellman vits and antioxidant tablets etc, his stats are exactly the same.

Er, so not really sure if there is a moral to this or not. Maybe just that we should put our relationships first (um, or give him an ultimatum), and then maybe they'll want to change for the better. And even then, it may not help.

We just had our 2nd cycle of ICSI, and I'm 2 days into the 2WW. Only had 2 eggs fertilise, so they are both back in, nothing left to freeze unfortunately. So sorry to bolster my way in here - hope I've been a bit of help to at least one person! :)

Hi girls, hope no one was judging me :-(

I think for the past 2 months I'd been thinking the same as you did bluebirdy. I was convinced I needed to leave him in order to be happy instead of addressing the relationship problems. Since the massive blow up last week things have got a lot better. I've made him talk about what we both want and how we are going to achieve it. He's starting appreciating me more and we've agreed to get back on the ttc big time next cycle. We are unexplained so there is always a chance yeah? Especially with freshly flushed tubes!

We need to call the clinic again to be put back on the waiting list after turning down treatment the row week. It was prob for the best considering the state of the relationship. Prob looking at the new year now.

Good luck with the icsi bluebirdy. Do post on here if you're successful!

ruby! Long time no hear. Have you had your lap yet?

Not judging at all Victoria!
I actually really felt so sorry for you. I remember your previous post before all this saga about you telling him there's no point being together with him on the computer every night ignoring you. I wonder how strong the mind body connection is and think that surely our reproductive hormones must be working better when we are actually in love with our partner rather than mechanically having sex to TTC - which seems to be where you are now at. So I am so glad for you that this has brought things to a head and you both seem on the same page.

Hey Blue. Was planning to check how you are going on the other thread after this... so will speak to you there!

I can echo Shell's post Victoria - no-one's judging you, we've all been there!! My OH has been a lot better recently, he takes his vitamins like a lamb and is still optimistic about us having kids, it's now me who's grumpy and fed up with the whole bloody process. Our local NHS are still being useless and unhelpful, and I'm supposed to trust these people to cut me open on Thursday the situation makes me feel so helpless and sometimes I'm furious with him for not being 'normal'. I'm still in touch with a couple of ex's - nothing affair-like, just chatting! - and it does make me think "what if"…..

I hope your OH is being more open and receptive to ideas now and I'm glad you're talking. Maybe it took a 'crisis' (or what he perceived to be one) to bring things to a head?

Bluebirdy, nice to hear from you good luck with the ICSI….. OH and I may or may not be there one day, depending on if our local NHS ever get their act together!!