Infertility meltdown

[HappyAmbler]

Hello ladies

I'm a long time lurker and very occasional poster.

This is really just a rant as I'm feeling so utterly shit this evening - hence the title (was crying when I started writing this ). My DH is asleep upstairs as he has to work tomorrow.

This is my third cycle of clomid and AF has just arrived. We have been ttc #1 for 19 months although in that time I've had 22 cycles.

I'm just feeling totally lost as I was only prescribed three months of clomid, and my next appointment at the NHS fertility clinic isn't until mid Feb - so I'm basically going to have two wasted cycles in between.

We still don't really know what the problem is. DH and I are both 31, his SA was normal, my blood tests and ultrasound were normal, my cycles are pretty regular and I'm fairly certain I ovulate every month (temp rise). The only possible factor is my post ovulation (day 21) progesterone levels are 'borderline'. i.e. they indicate ovulation has occurred but not high enough to sustain pregnancy.

I really thought the clomid would 'fix' this seemingly minor problem. And it has in the sense that my post ovulation progesterone levels have been higher, and my luteal phase has been longer, but I'm still not bloody well up the duff

Apparently the next step is HSG - feeling stupid for not insisting this was done before I started the clomid, but I was so convinced the clomid would work...

I guess I'm just starting to panic now. If we don't know what the problem is, how the hell can it be fixed??

Thanks very much if you've got this far. I'm not sure why I'm posting, just needed to get this off my chest I guess. I don't know anyone in RL who's going through this, so it's just helpful to know there are others out there.

Hi Rogue, we were going to wait for our NHS funding, but at this rate I'll qualify for my pension before I qualify for that!! Still waiting for my complaint to be replied to (32 working days and counting!), my local Trust really isn't very efficient.

Ordered loads of vitamins for OH in the meantime in the hope that they will improve things a bit!

So sorry to hear your latest setback shell. I can't believe anyone can have so much bad luck :-( big hugs x x

Glad your dh is ok ruby, must have been a bit of a scare! So when is the date of your lap? Iui is only offered when the sperm is good enough quality, which my dh's is now classed as. Its my tubes that have to be good too though. So what would happen is they wait for normal ovulation, using pee tests, then take the sperm sample and spin it down and remove all the motile ones and stick them up my foof with a catheter thing to meet my egg.

If the 3 iui fail, shell, I have one ivf. There is no further waiting lists its just the follwing convenient cycle. Sorry to those who have to wait longer. There is no wait for anything in my post code.

Glad to hear that your IVF won't be delayed by taking the IUI option first. Yes, I just can't believe my bad luck. Most women at least grow 8-15 eggs no problems. I just seem to have one thing after another and have trouble even making it to egg collection. The nurse phoned and told me to keep going with the meds and come back Thursday for another ultrasound for review. But it just feels like they are dragging the torture out longer. I hope they put me out of my misery and cancel Thursday.

Ruby. How is your hubby about taking the vitamins? Mine whinges and whines which really irritates me seeing as he is the one with the diagnosed issue and all I am asking him to do is swallow some tablets while I am injecting and going through hell.

Shell, sorry to hear this cycle isn't going well. Sending you but what you'd probably rather have is !!

OH isn't too bad about taking his vitamins - bit of grumbling of course, as he's a man - but I have to actually give them to him to take every day, he wouldn't remember/ bother unprompted.

Day 6 of AF and I am in so much pain, wasn't too bad to begin with but horrible now. Very fed up!

Thanks Ruby. I did actually console myself with a big glass of , even though I have not officially been told by my Dr to cancel this cycle. Just want tomorrows scan over with to hurry up and confirm instead of dragging out this torture. It's 4.30am and I can't sleep with this gut wrenching feeling in my stomach. Hoping a vent here will help.

Wow, your period is still going strong at day 6. Mine barely lasts two days and it is so light. They used to be heavier with more symptoms and I read they get lighter towards menopause which makes me dread this will never happen for me. Thought I'd mention in case it makes you feel any better about your cycle at the other end of the spectrum.

So sorry Shell, I missed your post about egg collection - that sounds rubbish, I can imagine how upset you must be. Perhaps as you say they adjusted the dose the wrong way? I hope they have some answers for you today.

AF is finally beginning to calm down, think tomorrow will be the last day. Really hope so, fed up of the pain!

We seem to have opposite issues with our periods Ruby. Mine is super super light meaning my lining is thin and I have a reduced chance of implantation even if hubby's sperm miraculously fertilised my egg naturally. Yours are super heavy. Not sure if that would be bad for implantation too? I would happily take the pain of monthly heavy periods in place of the emotional pain of this infertility crap. But you are lucky enough to have both.

The emotions of failed IVF is hard to put into words. I have a follow up scan tomorrow and am REALLY hoping they stop dragging me along and tell me it's over for this cycle so I can move forward.

How did you get on at your scan Shell?

No news here, although OH is now taking his super duper new vitamins. I've told him they're specially for sperm production, let's see if the positive thinking helps!'

My day 6 scan showed my follicles were 14-17mm but my follow up day 9 scan showed they were 10-11mm. She must have stuffed up the first scan measurements???? Either way, still only 4 measly follicles which I am disappointed about. Considered cancelling as not much chance of success with so little eggs for so much $$$$. One final scan on Monday (day 13) to see if all 4 have grown to mature follicles and will see if the Dr thinks it's worthwhile, but now I'm thinking I will go ahead as I am desperate to put an end to this pain.

I hope the vitamins actually do help his sperm Ruby. My husband had low count, motility and morph on his first SA. The supplements got both count and motility to normal range so I hope it works for him too. How are the diets going? Wow, did you say it was both of your New Years resolutions? Has this been dragging on that long?

Hiya ladies. No news here just saying hi! Although shell maybe you could help? When the nurse scanned my ovaries Sept 2nd at our appointment, she said there was a follicle at 16mm ready to pop. She said I'd ovulate in a few days. I thought it a bit early as I was only day 9 and I'd been ovulating around 16 or 17. So dutifully me and dh got down to it that week. Then we fought and didn't dtd from the weekend. But then on Tuesday last, 7 days after the follicle scan and at least 5 days after dtd last, I felt ov pain. I was away in London with a friend so couldnt dtd with dh. I thought I had a twinge a day or 2 after the scan, but I prob read too much into it and just assumed. Do you know if it could have taken a week from a 16mm follicle to ovulate?! We missed the egg anyway but the good thing is I can probably still have the HSG when I get back from holiday and not have to wait another month. No ttc HSG month either. More wasted time.

Be thinking of you tomorrow at your scan shell. Hope you're ok rogue and ruby

So looking forward to my hol next Saturday! Been packing today! Shame I'm due af that week.

That's very interesting Vic. I know that with IVF, a 16mm can contain a mature egg but I have read stories of follicles getting much bigger before they ovulate naturally. If your cycle is normal length, day 9 does sound very early and if you are feeling ovulation pains, that sounds more like the time you ovulated. Have you ever tried other ovulation tracking methods (just to add more obsession to this TTC stuff!)

Okay, off to get ready for my scan. Feeling a bit like it's game over this IVF and just going through the motions. Will report back later.

I did do ov tests for a few months and I will start again after the HSG month. I didn't see the point this cycle because I assumed it was too late to start them after finding out the sa revelation and the fact the nurse told me I was about to ov!

Have gone back to symptom spotting now tho even tho we missed the egg this month! I didn't mind the last 5 months without that! Have a really sore left boob lol!

Well if you did ov tests in the past and it correlated with your ovulation pain, then it sounds logical that this is when you are ovulating. Your follicles must just grow bigger than 16mm before they burst.

Well, back from my IVF scan. I have 9 follicles. They were:

20 15 14 14 12 12 7 and two less than 7 mm.
The nurse will phone this afternoon and tell me if I need to come for another scan to see if they have grown a bit more, or perhaps they will just assume that they will be big enough in 1 or 2 days and have me take the trigger injection ready for egg collection 36 hours later.
Really hoping that t two 12 mm follicles continue to grow so they can have a mature egg too.

Any more news shell?

Thanks so much for your concern vic.

Today I had 8 follicles that are the right size to potentially produce a mature egg. The largest was 24, the two smallest were 11 and there were 5 in between. I have to take a trigger injection tonight for egg collection Friday morning.

The 24 will probably be overmature and break apart with the sperm injection process as that's what happened with larger follicle egg last time. Not sure if the two 11's will produce a mature egg. I have the egg collection scheduled for Friday morning so they have some time to grow and mature, but I think they actually need to be mature by tonight at 1130 when I take the trigger injection so I am not sure about those either.

So Friday I will know how many eggs I get. But the real anxious wait will be for the phone call Saturday when I find out how many, if any produce a viable embryo.

Hmmm not massively positive then? I was wondering if you would cancel this cycle. How many more rounds will you do before you admit defeat do you think? Sorry to ask that. It must be so mentally and physically hard on you though.

I'm just wondering when af will show for me this month. Whether it comes early and I can't have the hsg as I'll be on hol. If it can hold off until this weekend I can prob still get it. Sunday/Monday prob the earliest, later even better! Will mean I'll have to call the x ray dept from abroad. Need to get some credit on my mobile to be able to call from abroad!

I hope it works out for you Victoria. Every day is long enough with this lovely infertility label, let alone waiting another whole cycle.

Maybe my situation is more positive than I am being. I guess with 7 previous IVF attempts and all I know is failure, I am just expecting things to go wrong and dreading when the wheels will fall off this time. No need to feel sorry for asking questions. I have wondered that question of when I will call it quits myself. I have seen the stats on IVF success at 40 and kinda have it in my mind that if it doesn't happen by then, it's game over and time to look into foster care. But I certainly don't want another 3 years of IVF - nor can I afford it! So I have no idea when I will call it quits before then. Please let this IVF work so I don't have to make that decision.

I hope you get some good news soon. What happened to your positive head this month?

Looking back at my calender I realised we dtd 3 days before my 2nd possible ov date. That means we are still in with a chance right? They can live that long yeah? clutching at straws here!!

2 more days til a relaxing enjoyable holiday. No work, no ttc as will be preg(!)/on af. Just enjoy dh and hope he's not being a pain in the butt! Hahaha!

OH yes, the positive thinking. What happened to that? Thanks for the reminder! 3 hours til I am due at the hospital for EC. Going for a walk now to relax and repeat some positive mantras.

I will say a few for you too and visualize your family of three all on a holiday together!

Argh! Really crampy today so on crotch watch! Please stay away until Sunday!

Hope you got some good news shell

Crotch watch - funny!

My IVF was a disaster. Something went wrong with my trigger injection and it didn't mature my eggs and release them from the follicle wall. I had 8 follicles but they only got 4 eggs and of those, only one was mature. The trigger injection (given 36 hours before egg collection) really hurt going in. The next day the site was read and sore, with a swollen lump under the skin, as though the medicine was sitting there instead of going through my system.

The nurse will phone today to update if my one measly egg fertilised and I will ask her how I did it wrong when I followed the instructions to a T. But either way, its done and I can't fix things. I am gutted that I had 8 mature follicles and because of a medicine screw up, I have now wasted thousands of dollars.

Oh no Shell, how much more can possibly go wrong for you?! I just don't understand how it can go wrong again and again for you! I'm so sorry :-(

Af not shown up yet. On and off cramps and sore left boob again. I'm wondering if I've actually got a cyst or something as I've had this sore boob for a week in just one area in the lower quadrant. Can't feel a lump tho like last time I had a cyst in my right boob.

Not sure how much WiFi I'm going to get on my holidays but I'll check in as much as possible x

Yes, I just can't believe my bad luck.
If it was my body not functioning with IVF properly and say I only produced one or two discolored eggs each time over and over, I would know that this is never going to work and it would be time to call it quits with IVF.
But I just have bad luck after bad luck.
Last time hubby read instructions and made up trigger injection, so I injected it at 90 degrees like all the rest.
This time hubby was out so I followed instructions which said to inject at 45 degrees. But I have since watched instructional videos on internet and all inject at 90 degrees - not 45.
I really think the fact that it was injected at 45 degrees into my skin instead of under skin at 90 degrees meant it took longer than 36 hours for it to reach my ovaries and hence, eggs were not ready at EC 36 hours after injection.
Really annoyed as this was instructions given to me by IVF clinic.

I was planning on having a few eggs and waiting till day 5 to chose which embryo has made it that far to blast stage, then after transfer I know it just has to implant at day 6.
But now with just one, having day 3 transfer instead - tomorrow morning.
Will get a call if it dies before hand.

While you are on holiday I will either be in the two week wait with no news to update or I will be dealing with another failure if embryos dies before tomorrow. Nothing to update while you are away. So please enjoy your holiday and don't stress about finding WiFi. You really need a break from all this crap too.

Hope your embie didn't die shell :-(

The hotel has WiFi and I'm as obsessed as ever with mumsnet! Dreamt I was preg last night and also that I was helping to deliver a friends baby!

Oh Shell, so sorry to hear about your troubles with this round of IVF, my heart goes out to you. Is there any update?

I hope you have a fab holiday Victoria and that it all works out with the HSG. Are you somewhere nice and chilled out?

No news here, clinic open day this Sat for OH to learn about IVF!! Should perhaps have put more effort into the TTC over the weekend but I was out for a work leaving do on Friday and (accidentally!) got very drunk. It's hard to feel seductive when you're hungover...