Infertility meltdown

[HappyAmbler]

Hello ladies

I'm a long time lurker and very occasional poster.

This is really just a rant as I'm feeling so utterly shit this evening - hence the title (was crying when I started writing this ). My DH is asleep upstairs as he has to work tomorrow.

This is my third cycle of clomid and AF has just arrived. We have been ttc #1 for 19 months although in that time I've had 22 cycles.

I'm just feeling totally lost as I was only prescribed three months of clomid, and my next appointment at the NHS fertility clinic isn't until mid Feb - so I'm basically going to have two wasted cycles in between.

We still don't really know what the problem is. DH and I are both 31, his SA was normal, my blood tests and ultrasound were normal, my cycles are pretty regular and I'm fairly certain I ovulate every month (temp rise). The only possible factor is my post ovulation (day 21) progesterone levels are 'borderline'. i.e. they indicate ovulation has occurred but not high enough to sustain pregnancy.

I really thought the clomid would 'fix' this seemingly minor problem. And it has in the sense that my post ovulation progesterone levels have been higher, and my luteal phase has been longer, but I'm still not bloody well up the duff

Apparently the next step is HSG - feeling stupid for not insisting this was done before I started the clomid, but I was so convinced the clomid would work...

I guess I'm just starting to panic now. If we don't know what the problem is, how the hell can it be fixed??

Thanks very much if you've got this far. I'm not sure why I'm posting, just needed to get this off my chest I guess. I don't know anyone in RL who's going through this, so it's just helpful to know there are others out there.

Yes, hubby is a lovely man... just a lazy #$%@ who can't be bothered exercising and loves junk food. I wonder if there is a physical problem rather than just what he east as his testicles always seem very red compared to the rest of his body. But I can't line up another group of men to compare if this is normal! Can anyone here er, tell me if this is normal with their partner?

So DH's contribution is done and dusted Victoria. So you'll get the results 2nd Sep. Must feel good to have an appointment coming up as though something is actually happening instead of just waiting.

I had a night of self pity two nights ago. Stayed up alone, drank too much alcohol and cried listening to infertility songs. Maybe I needed to do it emotionally after my IVF failure last cycle, but now am worried if my embryos are horrible quality for IVF next cycle, I am going to forever regret that one night which could potentially change the outcome and make me responsible for never holding my dream baby.

Don't be hard on yourself shell we all need a wallow in self pity every now and then. I doubt one night of booze will make any difference to your next outcome. You have to think about the crack heads and alcoholics that get preg all the time.

Chin up chick hugs x

Thanks Victoria. I felt crap all the next day and now I don't feel like drinking for a while - so at least it's out of the system! The one good thing about my alcohol binge was that I did then wake hubby in the wee hours of Wed morn and have uninhibited sex, then sex again last night. One last ditch attempt at the natural method, but after 3 years of failure, I am sure we will be back on the IVF wagon next month.

I read one book that said couples who have sex 15 times a month take on average of 3 months to conceive while those who have sex once a month (just to TTC) take on average of 4 1/2 years! Really makes me think there is something more physiological going on than just the act of delivering semen to the egg at the right time. I know for example, that the man releases pheromones during sex which the woman inhales and this helps regulate her cycles. So I think regular sex for the sake of enjoying each other rather than baby making sex would be more helpful - but how to achieve when we I desperately want a baby I don't know!

Finally saw my parents after months yesterday. We had a chat about what's been happening ttc wise. Was better chatting face to face than on the phone. Mum never sounds interested on the phone! So told her our poss ivf plans. Dad did not have a clue what it entailed! Mum did as she saw a documentary on the tv. She was all like "urgh I couldn't do that" but then realised that this was my only choice and chance to have a child. I know how much she loves kids and can't imagine her life without any. It was like it suddenly clicked with her why I was going to do it. Why I HAD to do it. So that was good.

What do your parents think of your situation shell?

Woken up rudely by massive af cramps. Urgh. Good job its bank holiday Monday so I can just wallow around the house. Going to rain all day so we didn't have any plans anyway.

Hope you're ok girls x

Hey lovely ladies,

First of all shellster don't you worry about posting about your ivf at all!! We are on this forum to share and it's actually quite informative reading about others!

Victoria yes my consultant also said that one of the pre-requisites of being referred for ivf was to have a lap and dye or hsg. I've been quite lucky in that after my loss last year the consultant pretty much referred me for tests etc really quickly, I just don't know what the waiting list is going to be like at my local ivf clinic. Maybe it is different for you though and that as you have a proper diagnosis of your infertility you may not need one?

My consultant will probably send the referral off this week so I'm going to ring his secretary tomorrow to see if he's on top it, I'm sick of waiting but you really need patience in this game!

Victoria I haven't told anybody about my referral, I really can't bear anybody knowing. Especially as I have conceived naturally before. Don't get me wrong I'm very close to my mum but I just want to so this on our own - me and DH. She would worry too! So I just tell close friends we are waiting to try... It's just easier.

Sorry that AF is looking - I'm feeling ok at mo but everytime AF starts it is just so heartbreaking.

That should say sorry that AF is looming Victoria

Victoria, both my parents and parents in law do feel sorry for me and know that we are undergoing IVF. But I don't sit down with them and explain all the details. If other people know dates of my IVF cycle, it just feels like extra pressure as I have to report back to them with an answer. I am glad for you that you feel like it was a good outcome after explaining things to your parents.

Rogue, when will you find out about how long the wait is at your local IVF clinic?

Hi everyone

Victoria, sorry to hear that AF is looming. If that wasn't bad enough it also has to hurt a lot! The joys of being a woman, eh...

I did wonder if the lap & dye and HSG were standard procedures pre-IVF. That's pretty much how it was conveyed to me but of course everyone's different! Cynical me does think though that as IVF is so expensive, anything the NHS can do to delay it/ find another cause of infertility/ make you die of old age before you qualify is something they'll try.

Shell, no-one would blame you for having a pity party, sounds like you needed to get it out of your system!! How long till your next ivf?

I've told a few people we're going to have to have IVF, and strangely enough found out that a couple I know (but not very well) have just had their second try at it - they've had lots of tests but all inconclusive. And then today another couple I know announced that they're having their second baby; some people are just luckier than others!

I did have a chat with OH and he's agreed to come to an open evening with me to find out what IVF involves (he has no idea!) - I'm still considering the private tests. I also reported my local Trust to the CCG today for failing to reply to my complaint. I am so fed up with them!!

PS reading your stories, sometimes I can't believe how insensitive/ thoughtless/ downright bloody selfish men are!! I mean my OH is never going to win any perceptiveness prizes but still... Victoria, has your OH seriously made no effort since you suggested you split up if nothing happens on the TTC front?

Couldn't agree more Ruby on the selfish men front. Really has been damaging to our relationship. I mean, why should I care about anything that is important to him if he couldn't give a toss about something that is so important to me. And yes, to pull the final draw card and say there's no point being together and he couldn't care less Victoria? Every time I hope the next IVF puts an end to all this and we can go back to how we were. But I think my husbands attitude towards all this has left a permanent scar.

Rubes, I'm glad you've found some people in RL that have/are going through IVF. You might want people in real life to chat to who understand when you are going through it. I know no-one and I really wish I did. Good on you for reporting to the CCG. Wonder how long they themselves will take to reply!

This thread title really is proving true. Infertility meltdown. On other threads, someone gets pregnant or has success with IVF once in a while. But this thread is either you guys waiting for the next step or me reporting another failed IVF.

Oh Ruby, you asked how long til my next IVF.

Today is CD20 and I actually took my first estrogen tablet this morning as part of my IVF protocol. I have to take it twice a day on an empty stomach. The morning one is okay as I take it as soon as I get up and then have my morning protein shake an hour later. But the evening is a pain in the butt as I have to stop eating 3 hours before the tablet and 1 hour after, and knowing I can't eat makes me want to all the more! But if I want the tablets to have maximum effect for optimal IVF outcome, I will persevere.

But just because I am starting tablets today in prep for IVF next cycle, I am still not excited yet as there is still no guarantee IVF will go ahead. I have to have a day 2 scan next cycle to see if I have enough baby follicles on my ovaries to potentially produce an egg to make the cost of IVF worthwhile as my cycles vary so much. The least I have had is 5 and the most I have had is 19.

So.... Yesterday dh gets a letter from the clinic saying they're terribly sorry but they made a cock up with his results. Nearly 5 months of thinking he had 100% antisperm antibody binding meaning no chance of naturally conceiving. The pain we've been through, the grief and depression. Where it said 100%, apparently because of a copying error, it should have said zero %. A negative test result for antibodies. His 2nd sa has come back as normal in all parameters leading them to look back at his original test. Nothing wrong with his sperm.

The past 4 months we gave up trying thinking it was pointless. We could have been still going for it. I can't believe this has happened to us! Now I'm thinking what else could it be?! I ovulate, I don't have pcos. Are we just unexplained? Will it/ can it still happen naturally? I'm all messed up!

Hey Victoria - so sorry to hear about your clinic's massive mistake! Did they offer/ provide a way for you to talk to them about it and understand the consequences?

From what I can gather, IVF is dependent on the time you've been trying, not what's causing your infertility - so even if there seems to be nothing wrong with you or your DH, you'd still be eligible for IVF if you've done all the tests, sat on the NHS waiting list for a small eternity etc (the couple I know who are currently having IVF have unexplained infertility). It must be incredibly frustrating though to think that you might have been in with a better chance than you were told!

How is your next cycle going Shell, and are you feeling better about the whole thing?

OH and I are off to a clinic open evening tomorrow so he can finally learn what's involved with IVF. I think it will be an eye opener for him!

They did give a number to call with any questions but we have our appointment with the consultant in 3 hours so we'll discuss it there. Also said they were looking in to why it happened and try to prevent further occurrences, in other words they filled out an AIMS form....

Don't know how I feel about the revelation. In a way I was glad we had a diagnosis. Dh said he's still too angry to think about it. I guess they will need to send me for more tests including the much anticipated hsg. What a pile of crap.

Good luck with your appointment Victoria - keep us posted xx

Just as expected.... Sending me for a hsg. The nurse actually suggested having a lap as she thinks I might have endometriosis. There are things they can see in the lap that they can'tsee in hsg and can 'zap' any endo they see. However, I opted for hsg first which will happen next cycle. She also gave me a dildo cam and saw one massive follicle on my left ovary fit to burst any day. Does the lube they put on the dildo can kill sperm do you know?!

Oh talking of sperm. We've gone from thinking dh having duff sperm to him actually having impressive sperm. Nurse said the motility had INCREASED 24 hours later in the dish/tube wherever they keep them. His morphology has increased from 2% to 5% too! Must be something to do with the vits.

So now, its me that probably duff :-(

Wow, his morph had increased from 2 to 5%. You will have to tell me what vits he takes. My husband has 0% normal morph. I gave him vits for 3 months and got retested - still 0%!

Must be such a stressful time. I remember how stressed I was for 3 months when I found out hubby has 100% abnormal sperm. And now finding out he has 'impressive' sperm, and thinking it's you is like re-living that stress all over again. I guess either way, you realize something isn't right and whether it's you or him, you would be on the same path and are heading in the right direction towards IVF to overcome it.

I thought you would be on a long waiting list for the HSG. I am glad it's happening next cycle. Do you have painful periods or anything to suggest you have endo?

Oh, and by the way, I woke up to my period this morning. I haven't tried naturally in a while with all the IVF but last cycle we did. I thought I had mentally given up on trying naturally by now and was just DTD mid cycle in case. But silly me still got my hopes up that I could get pregnant.

So off to pick up my drugs today and start injecting tomorrow. I have been pretty negative towards my last few IVF attempts and they have failed. Wondering if my attitude is making me more stressed and not helping my hormones and hence my IVF. So I am going to try to type positive things on here and hopefully I can convince myself... So today is actually day one of my pregnancy. This cycle I am growing eggs that will become my baby!

Yay with the positiveness shell! Keep it up. Do you have any alternative therapies done alongside your ivf's? I've heard acupuncture is meant to be great. Dh was taking Wellman vits, not the conception ones either just the normal ones. But the normal ones have selenium etc for spermatagenesis. He's also gone caffeine free if that helped at all?

The nurse we saw was talking about 'age appropriate' treatments. Make me feel past it why don't you! We can get 3 iui's from our clinic on the nhs. I've not heard of that many sucess stories from that though. Plus my tubes need to be normal for that so we need to have all the other crappy tests first.

It was when i said about painful periods and painful ov she said I might have endo. It had never crossed my mind to be honest. I just thought pain was normal and everyone had it the same! But yeah when I get period pain its for days and all around my front and back, I need to top up on drugs every 4 hours for 2 or 3 days, and she said the pre af spotting could be another sign. Who'd have thought it!

Good luck that the positive thinking works this cycle hun x

Boy, she's making you feel old at 34. I must be over the hill for all this IVF treatment at 37. Would the IUI's delay your IVF treatment, or is it something that could be done while you're on the IVF waiting list?

I certainly don't have painful periods at all. Nor mid cycle pain. But I used to have more symptoms than I do now and I think there's disappearing and my periods are getting lighter as I age so from my perspective, I would love some symptoms back!

I take a bucket load of supplements and shove some down hubby's throat too. And yes, I do acupuncture too. Never actually believed in it up until all this saga but now I will try anything. I would roll in cow manure if they told me it would help!

Okay, Monday is my first scan when I see my follicles that my future baby is safely hiding inside.

Aww that's such a sweet way to think shell. I saw this month's ripe folicle on screen at my appointment the other day. It was only cd9 and she said I was about to ov, very early! I ovd on cd11 (yesterday). This is going to be a very short cycle! The thing is with the hsg, it has to be done before cd12 of my next cycle. I worked that out using my averages that it would be the week after we got back from holiday, perfect. But now I've ovd nearly a week early the ideal time would fall DURING our holiday week! I would need to wait yet another month for it then and have to cancel and rearrange our follow up with the consultant. What a pain!

If my tubes are clear they will do iui before ivf. They treat you in the less invasive and cheaper ways first. But now I know there is nothing wrong with dh's sperm we are trying naturally again. Luckily we were told about my follicle early so we could get down to it. Only dtd cd10 before oh pain cd11. Will force him again tonight cd12 tho as it may still be travelling down....

Far out Victoria. As if the NHS doesn't delay you enough, you have to have one randomly short cycle that means you have to delay your HSG by another month!

Are your cycles not regular? You said you had to use averages to calculate if you HSG would be after your holiday, and this ovulation is a week earlier than expected. Mine are quite regular but short which I used to think was a good thing to put me out of my misery sooner. But I since read that they get shorter and lighter as we head towards menopause so now I think it's not so great!

Okay, so it's HSG, IUI then the big guns with IVF. Got it. Will you be on the IVF waiting list while undergoing IUI, or will the IUI delay your IVF treatment?

As for me, I am just HANGING for Monday to come so I can get my first IVF scan and insight into how many eggs (or how little based on my history) I am going to get this cycle. Feels like forever away.

Hi all

Not much news from me, we couldn't go to our clinic open evening on Wednesday as planned as OH had an accident at work (not deliberately!!) - I had the dreaded "there's been an accident and he's been taken to hospital" phone call, I don't have to tell you how shaky and panicky it made me. All is well though, he'll have a scar for the rest of his life but he was lucky, almost lost an eye.

Been a bit off track since then both with dieting/ exercise (current obsession to replace TTC!) and infertility investigations. Did take the time to nag follow up the NHS about my consultant appointment after the lap & dye, that's now booked for a couple of weeks afterwards which is fair enough. OH still needs to go for his next SA but he can't drive for another week or so. I'm not sure what the point of that test is as he's already had 3, but presumably it's to give them more of an idea of the actual issue(s) rather than just counts.

Booked another clinic open day for later in the month - there's no escape for OH! - and am still considering the private tests. Like you Shell I'm 37, my AMH was fine last time but maybe better to know?!

Well done on the positiveness Shell, sending you lots of luck for this cycle

Victoria, no-one's mentioned IUI to me yet but perhaps they are just lumping it in with the general IVF category as it would certainly make more sense for us; the only issue we have that they're definitely found is with OH, and if I have any then it should be sorted out during the lap & dye, everything else seems to be fine. I've always had heavy, painful periods but no-one's ever mentioned endometriosis - however, from what I've read they would treat that with a lap & dye too. There's no escape from the dreaded op for me!!

Just a quick hello.

Victoria I can't believe the farce of your DHs sperm results I would be furious. I hope you complain, these are peoples lives and like you say that's a few months where you haven't been trying!

Shellster hope your cycle goes well this month.

Ruby are you planning on having treatment under the bhs or self-funding?

I have had my first ivf form which I have filled out. Seems like it could be up to 6 months before I even have treatment... So it's a long road ahead.

Woah, glad to hear your hubby is okay Ruby. Sounds like it was a close call. Something to distract you from infertility for a few days - albeit perhaps more stress isn't what you need! Must feel good to have your lap and dye booked as though at least things are progressing.

Well all that positiveness just set me up for a harder fall today. Last IVF cycle, I had 15 follicles growing at my day 6 scan, but then a few took the lead and I only had 5 mature eggs. So this cycle, the Dr decided to up the dose to get more follicles growing - but it seems to have had the opposite effect. Today's scan showed that three lead follicles have just hogged that extra medication and they have grown even huger instead of the smaller ones keeping up. Perhaps I should have lowered my medication dose instead????

I know you guys aren't at the IVF stage yet so I will spare you all my details, but basically my three follicles are so big that they are ready to ovulate and it's only day 6! I know that growing them this hard and fast is bad for egg quality. For me, egg collection is the biggest expense so no point paying for egg collection when quality will be bad, and on top of that I only have a measly 3.

My nurse will speak to my Dr and phone me this afternoon with advice but I have already had tears and know that this cycle is an epic failure. Most women grow 15 - 20 eggs for IVF no problem. I seem to be having such trouble getting even 6-7 to grow and can't even make it to egg collection.

I am 37 and feel like I am running out of time and can't afford these stuff ups. What's more, I can't bear the thought of having to now take time out for a couple of months while my body recovers and I will be living with daily worry of infertility for that much longer. My sister is due in 5 weeks and I really hoped this IVF would work so it wouldn't be so painful having to visit her and her baby. But no chance of that now.