Infertility meltdown

[HappyAmbler]

Hello ladies

I'm a long time lurker and very occasional poster.

This is really just a rant as I'm feeling so utterly shit this evening - hence the title (was crying when I started writing this ). My DH is asleep upstairs as he has to work tomorrow.

This is my third cycle of clomid and AF has just arrived. We have been ttc #1 for 19 months although in that time I've had 22 cycles.

I'm just feeling totally lost as I was only prescribed three months of clomid, and my next appointment at the NHS fertility clinic isn't until mid Feb - so I'm basically going to have two wasted cycles in between.

We still don't really know what the problem is. DH and I are both 31, his SA was normal, my blood tests and ultrasound were normal, my cycles are pretty regular and I'm fairly certain I ovulate every month (temp rise). The only possible factor is my post ovulation (day 21) progesterone levels are 'borderline'. i.e. they indicate ovulation has occurred but not high enough to sustain pregnancy.

I really thought the clomid would 'fix' this seemingly minor problem. And it has in the sense that my post ovulation progesterone levels have been higher, and my luteal phase has been longer, but I'm still not bloody well up the duff

Apparently the next step is HSG - feeling stupid for not insisting this was done before I started the clomid, but I was so convinced the clomid would work...

I guess I'm just starting to panic now. If we don't know what the problem is, how the hell can it be fixed??

Thanks very much if you've got this far. I'm not sure why I'm posting, just needed to get this off my chest I guess. I don't know anyone in RL who's going through this, so it's just helpful to know there are others out there.

Yes, this whole TTC thing has definitely killed our sex life. I read a study that showed men who ejaculated for 5 days in a row had 20% less DNA damage in their sperm, and it was recommended men ejaculate frequently before making their IVF deposit. So I was going to make an effort - but in the end I just told hubby to take care of himself every day!

We had to have a child protection check here. Kinda made me resentful that everyone else can conceive naturally and they don't get checked. But when I ask for help, then they have the right to decide if I am a suitable parent.

Asked dh to have sex with me both yesterday morning and tonight. Refused. Why do I bother?!

I wonder if he is feeling a bit inadequate in the bedroom department now that he has been diagnosed with his issue? Did he used to initiate things up until he discovered the antibody issue? My husband certainly used to initiate things a lot more. Looking forward to this all being over so life can return to normal.

Pre-ttc we only used to have sex 2-3 times in a YEAR! I used to love sex but he just kind of stopped wanting it and I stopped initiating, waiting for him to make the moves! He only wanted it after usually having a few beers, sometimes sober too. We just got out of the habit I guess. He'd rather get into bed and go straight to sleep. Its been many many years since we were doing it on the sofa/floor etc. I had to do all the hard work when we were really trying.

I do really want thrilling sex again but I guess I'd need a new man for that! Shame....

Just wanted to offer my very strange experience.... My story was exactly the same as yours, unexplained but a couple of things borderline. No BFP in 2 years. After 2 years we were so sick of sex to order and I was so sore that I got my husband to ejaculate into a pot and I inserted it with a syrine, inserted as far as a could. BAM, 1st BFP that month. Sadly I miscarried but I did this 4 months on the trot and got pregnant every time with the 4th time ending up with my DD. Exactly the same happened with my son. My fertility doctor said was a bit perplexed but said that it might have deposited the sperm nearer where they needed to go. Maybe worth a try, particularly on the nights where you can't face DTD xx

Wow Victoria. I thought our sex life was a bit down hill. He seems very unusual. Our lack of interest stems from the baby making pressure. Before this, he was initiating all the time. Doesn't seem usual for a man to not be interested in sex. Wonder what's going on. Is it something you can openly discuss with him or is it kinda a taboo topic. A new man eh... mmm... don't tempt me... would make my sex life exciting again and solve my fertility issue in one go!

OlderMummy, was just reading the thread you started about this. Unfortunately, we are not unexplained. My husband has 100% abnormal sperm - the acrosome/cap on the sperm head that contains enzymes to penetrate the egg surface is small or missing. So I think ICSI is our only option. I do still try naturally when not doing IVF cycle in hope, but you are very right that you do get sick of the sex to order. Feel a bit funny asking hubby to deposit in a cup but will think about how to put this to him to perhaps try this month until we do IVF again next month.

Hi oldermummy we are not unexplained either :-( my husband has 100% antibody bound sperm so either cannot swim or cannot penetrate the egg, they also coagulate together. Insemination would do me no good either :-( I am just wanting sex off my husband for fun and pleasure!

Hmmm as I'm writing this in the tearoom my workmates are chatting about 'not putting it off, tick tock'. I'm keeping my head down or I'll just scream!

Actually said to dh last night that we should split if ivf fails as we have nothing to stay together for and I need something more than a man who lives on his computer playing games and I'm lonely and neglected. I wanted a child to keep us together. Stupid and selfish I know.

Hi ladies

Sorry I haven't messaged for a while! I have been crazy busy. So sorry your last ivf didn't work shellster. You are however an inspiration to us all and I am keeping my fingers crossed for you whatever you decide to do next.

Victoria will your partners sperm problem be due to lack of intercourse or am I being stupid? I know what you mean - men can be absolute arseholes. I sometimes think they just assume babies come out of thin air, they really don't get the effort and stress and planning that us ladies have to do to even get a fair chance! But even that doesn't work. Pah.

I have been incredibly stressed and having awful depressive thoughts. My appointment with the consultant is soon, I am nervous but glad things are moving along. I have been looking into self funding the ivf. DH is dead against it. In fact we have just had a massive argument about it - he said he would rather adopt!!! Which has really made me angry. We haven't explored all other avenues yet!!! I really don't care about the cost side - all I want is a family and I don't think I can keep waiting any longer. By the time I get referred and have treatment it could be next May?! That is ridiculous.

Has anybody seen this: www.manchesterfertility.com/ivf-refund--pre-pay-plans/

I've registered my interest already!! Not sure if they will accept me as I've had a previous loss before..

Nice to hear from you Rogue. Had a quick look at your link. I am in Australia so no use to me. It seems to have 2 programs. Money back guarantee for under 37, and multi cycle program for under 42. Not sure which interests you. Can't recall your age? Personally, I have heard of USA clinic doing multi cycle program of 4 in a row for patients with diminished ovarian reserve. Their evidence shows that they get more eggs doing 4 cycles in a row than if they were done spaced apart. Got me interested as I am a poor responder to IVF meds. I did IVF last cycle that failed and am having this cycle off while I wait to see my IVF Dr tomorrow to arrange another IVF next cycle. But after reading about the clinic getting more eggs with continuous IVF cycles, I am actually injecting my left over Puregon this cycle, since that means I will have done two IVF cycles in a row (but this one without egg collection) and hoping I get more eggs next cycle for IVF! Just thought I'd share in case that is the program you are looking into. This infertility sure does put the relationship to the test doesn't it. Hope you can come to some agreement.

victoria. Definitely not stupid and selfish at all. Must really feel like you are not soul mates if you are having sex 2-3 times a year, and he sits in front of the computer all the time. No physical relationship, but also no emotional one. Really does sound like you relationship needs some help. What was your husbands reaction? Did it make him realize how neglected you are feeling? He needs to get that - and do something about it!

Hi everyone [waves]

Sorry for going AWOL - I was finding it difficult to cope with thinking about babies all the time and then posting on here too, felt like I was a bit obsessed! To be fair, I am, or to be more precise, just bloody irritated with the whole situation... had my pre op for the lap & dye today so should be having my opinion in the next couple of months, but in the meantime have found out that yet another friend is upduffed!

Thank you for the link Rogue, definitely worth looking at. They don't have a clinic near me at the moment, but hopefully soon. Sorry to hear you have been so depressed (I think we all know where you're coming from with that!) - is there anyone you can talk to in RL as well as on here?

Have the doctors been helpful after your last IVF Shellster? What a shame it wasn't a good result - crossing everything for next time instead :-)

Victoria, your OH sounds like my ex, he was far more considerate and pleasant to his online friends than he ever was to me!! That said, perhaps he would change if you had a baby and he had to put someone else first?! And I work in a big company where we seem to have a baby announcement every week, it's hard not to say "just mind your own bloody business" when people make comments like the ones from your work mates!

PS Victoria, I will PM you soon, honest!! Since the demise of my laptop I have to post everything via phone or Kindle and it takes me AGES!

We're just glad you're alive ruby!

Another day, another announcement of someone at work being upduffed though!! And all I bloody have is 7 (yes, 7) fruitless phone calls to the hospital today. I just want to find out when my op will be, is that too much to ask?! Apparently so, seeing as the Operations dept didn't bother to return my call...

Ha ruby I have lost count of the amount of pregnancies, babies since I started to ttc 3.5 years ago! Some are pregnant with their third!

I am 31 shellster so in reality should be accepted on the money back offer however the offer is dependent on an assessment, having had a late loss is making me think I would not qualify!

Well I have now been referred for ivf. Consultant says the referral should be sent in 2 weeks, so ruby in approx 2.5 weeks time I am absolutely going to badger the hospital!! Consultant reckons having ivf on the NHS has to meet the 18 week target however I am unsure of wether it's 18 weeks to be seen or 18 weeks to treatment! I'm pretty sure it'll be the former... So we have a long wait. Have talked to DH about going private but he is keen to wait, and maybe if my 2 free goes don't work then atleast we can go private then.

Feels so shitty thinking about ivf. I'm glad I've been referred but I wish I could just get pregnant naturally. You really need patience in this game!

Rogue, must be even more frustrating having had one BFP and knowing that it can actually happen naturally. At least when you start IVF it feels good to try a new solution and gives you a renewed sense of hope.

Ruby. Glad to see you are back and okay! I totally get feeling TTC is taking over your life, then having baby announcements left right and centre would be just too much. So feel free to take a break from posting on here every other day... now that we know that's the reason and won't worry that something bad has happened!

Well, I feel a bit bad posting my updates on here when you guys are all stuck on the NHS waiting list. Albeit, I guess it makes no difference when I have no faith that my next IVF will produce a BFP after 7 failed ones. I saw my IVF Dr yesterday. I had the scratch done before this failed IVF and Dr reckons it lasts 3 cycles, so going ahead with another IVF next cycle. Also, I'm not getting any younger. I only produced 5 eggs last cycle despite starting with 19 follicles on day 2, so upping the meds next round to see what happens. No guarantees and I feel a bit fed up with it all. But just going through the motions.

shelster don't be daft. We are all friends here now. We want to be with you through this crapness. Don't lose faith either, it can still happen for you. Lucky 7?

rogue welcome back! As you may have read, I had to chase up the clinic for our referral as our GP referred us in the wrong way somehow! Keep at them if you haven't heard! My letter seem to imply treatment should commence within the 18 week deadline. And it seem to imply from the date of the letter rather than the date of your first appointment. I might be reading into it wrong though. 18weeks from my appointment is in December. A girl I've been speaking to online who had a successful one and only nhs ivf at my clinic said they don't start ivf in the lead up to Xmas and new year though.

ruby sorry to hear you've been down. But next time you decide to take a break from mn let us know! Me and shel were imagining all sorts of horror stories about what had happened to you! When and who told you you needed a hsg? I'm concerned I still can't have ivf until I've had one and need to go on another waiting list. I've heard its a must thing to have. Hope you get through to the ops dept soon. Did they not give you any idea at your pre op?

Take care girlies and be nice to yourselves x

Thanks victoria. I just know how BFPs from family are hitting at me left right and centre and know how it feels. Don't know if it feels the same with people like me having IVF after IVF while you are on waiting lists and would never want to cause you any extra pain that you are already enduring so just like to double check that I am not offending you with my updates. Sounds ridiculous that you need to go on another waiting list for a HSG. Tubes blocked or not seems irrelevant when you know husband has anti sperm antibodies and you need IVF anyway! Hope Ruby can shed some light for you

I asked around on a ivf group on Facebook and everyone there had had one. Whether part of their initial tests or not I don't know. From what I gather though you only get granted nhs funding for your postcode lottery one, two or three cycles if you have a very good chance of it succeeding. That's why you need to be a thin, healthy non smoker with no stds! Also I remember reading somewhere that you need to check for blocked tubes pre-ivf as there is more chance of an embryo they've put back getting caught in a blocked fallopian tube and causing ectopics. I also read somewhere women with blocked tubes were asked to let them tie them off if going for ivf! So natural conception would never be an option again! This is all what I've read from typing "hsg before ivf" into Google and reading other posts from other ttc sites! Wish I didn't!

Hi Victoria

Yes, from what I understand an HSG is a normal procedure before IVF (even for people like us who know the issue is with their OH!) in case it identifies any issues which might cause problems when you have IVF. For me, it showed that one tube is fine, but the other may be blocked, hence why I need the lap & dye - at that stage they need to open you up and take a look to find out what's actually happening.

As far as I can gather, the HSG is done to rule out any issues with the woman after they've tried the simpler things like blood tests. Have you had an ultrasound yet, I had one before the HSG?

Sorry that it sounds like a lot of us on here are fed up with our OHs. I'm certainly miffed with mine - he's buggered off on a stag weekend and hasn't even bothered to let me know he got there ok! Grrrrr. He wants me to go through IVF and yet he can't be arsed to make one phone call...

Oh and the man is here fitting the new cooker when all I wanted was a nice peaceful afternoon. Aaarrrgghh - men are a pain every way you look at it!!

When did you get told you needed the hsg? At your fertility clinic or the GPs? Also did your GP do the bloods and sa or did they refer you and then the clinic did the tests? Seems to be different in different towns! Yes I've had a ultrasound. That was way back in April. No one has said a thing about a hsg. Hubby's advanced sa form he has to hand in with his pot says ?iui/ivf/icsi. The clinic said I didn't need any more tests!

The consultant referred me for the HSG even though the ultrasound was fine - this was at the stage when OH's SA was low but not abnormal (it dropped later). If I were you I'd check whether it's worth having one anyway, as it may well be required pre-IVF; it's not exactly pleasant but I would imagine a piece of cake compared to what we'll go through at the IVF stage!

Oh yes, GP did the initial tests for both of us and then the fertility consultant repeated them. I'm considering having private tests done as well though, for our peace of mind - it's so bloody long since we started the whole thing that it's probably worth doing!

Just tracked down the waiting list coordinator and found out that my lap & dye won't be till October unless they have a cancellation in the meantime. Grrrrr!

Reading through this thread since I last posted and I just want to start a petition to get the system changed. Wait for a HSG, wait for a lap, then wait for IVF. I am frustrated for both of you. Can totally relate to the 'irritating man syndrome' you describe Ruby. Funny that's turned out to be our common thread here. I guess with Victoria, it's not her husbands fault but as for me, it's so frustrating watch my husband eat junk and look at his big stretch marked belly and to think that his laziness and eating is preventing my dream baby.

I really think your dh is a selfish git shell. I don't understand why he hasnt tried to improve things for his lovely wife. You must be a saint that's all I can say.

Sorry about your wait ruby :-( the nhs sucks big time in that respect.

2 weeks today we see our consultant, actually 2 weeks almost to the minute! 3.30pm. Dh's advanced sa tomorrow morning. Wank and drive. Made him wank off a few days ago too so his guys werent over 5 days old. I gave him the option of sex but he could be bothered. He did it in the shower apparently. Feels like I don't trust him coz I didn't see him do it! He wouldn't lie though with it being so important!