Infertility meltdown

[HappyAmbler]

Hello ladies

I'm a long time lurker and very occasional poster.

This is really just a rant as I'm feeling so utterly shit this evening - hence the title (was crying when I started writing this ). My DH is asleep upstairs as he has to work tomorrow.

This is my third cycle of clomid and AF has just arrived. We have been ttc #1 for 19 months although in that time I've had 22 cycles.

I'm just feeling totally lost as I was only prescribed three months of clomid, and my next appointment at the NHS fertility clinic isn't until mid Feb - so I'm basically going to have two wasted cycles in between.

We still don't really know what the problem is. DH and I are both 31, his SA was normal, my blood tests and ultrasound were normal, my cycles are pretty regular and I'm fairly certain I ovulate every month (temp rise). The only possible factor is my post ovulation (day 21) progesterone levels are 'borderline'. i.e. they indicate ovulation has occurred but not high enough to sustain pregnancy.

I really thought the clomid would 'fix' this seemingly minor problem. And it has in the sense that my post ovulation progesterone levels have been higher, and my luteal phase has been longer, but I'm still not bloody well up the duff

Apparently the next step is HSG - feeling stupid for not insisting this was done before I started the clomid, but I was so convinced the clomid would work...

I guess I'm just starting to panic now. If we don't know what the problem is, how the hell can it be fixed??

Thanks very much if you've got this far. I'm not sure why I'm posting, just needed to get this off my chest I guess. I don't know anyone in RL who's going through this, so it's just helpful to know there are others out there.

Telephone appointment?! That is odd... How does it save time/ money for anyone? Despite the (very) long wait at my last appointment, I'd still rather go in and see a person... On the other hand, if it means you get a consultation more quickly then that's got to be a good thing!!

The hospital have brought my pre op forward to 13/08 but they won't put me on the waiting list for the op till after that! Grrrrr. So much for having it done by mid-August, which is what they told me last time...

Ruby, I just feel so sorry for you and the run around the NHS is giving you. Feels like we've chatted on and off for months on here and you are still no closer to IVF.

Victoria, it does seem odd having a telephone appointment. But at least things are happening. Sorry to hear you had a bad day. This journey is crap enough without having a load of other crap to top it off.

Seems we are all in the wars at the moment. I had a day 12 IVF scan and it seems of all my 19 folllicles, a measly 3 have responded enough to the meds to produce a mature egg. I know you guys haven't been through the IVF ropes yet, but with only 3 eggs, it will be a bloomin miracle if this works. Usually you need to start with 8-10 eggs because usually a few don't fertilise leaving you with 5-6, then a few die in the petri dish while growing to day 5, leaving you with 1-2 good quality embryos to transfer. But with only 3 to start with, the odds are high that I won't have any embryos to transfer at day 5.

I spent yesterday crying and have a real sense of dread in my tummy. At least before doing IVF, you feel like IVF is the solution. But now this is my 7th IVF and it feels like it's game over and I don't know how to come to terms with never holding my imaginary baby in my arms.

Having my 3 measly eggs retrieved in three days time - Monday. Then I will be 5 days wait to see if one survives for transfer. It's going to be the longest 8 days of my life.

shell I'm so sorry to hear about your follicles. I was so sure with all your special diets and research that it was going to be good news for you this try. I can't imagine how painful this setback must be for you, but its not over til its over x

Called the clinic to see what this telephone appointment was about, and basically its an appointment to book an appointment! What a f-ing joke! So 2 weeks time and I can properly book an appointment. Why can't they just pick a date for me and send me a letter?! Oh and there is an 18week max waiting list for treatment after that. So yeah I will be the dreaded 35 by then, yeurch.

ruby what do you have done at the pre-op? Bit confused.... Doesn't take much lol!

Massive hugs everyone x x x

So you have to speak to them to arrange a date to telephone them and speak to them again about booking an appointment! That sounds crazy. So the 18 week wait begins from the day you book your appointment, or not until the actual day of your first appointment?

I was so convinced too that things would go better this time. At least according to studies, they should have. My body just decided not to follow the trend in the studies. Just my luck. My nurse actually thinks some of the smaller follicles I have written off will contain a mature egg and thinks I could get up to 7 eggs rather than just 3. Based on previous IVF follicle sizes and mature egg collection, it won't happen. But she has given me a glimmer of hope to get me through the weekend until Monday EC.

Hope I'm not offending you both with my posting my IVF progress on here while you are stuck in the waiting game?

Don't be silly shellster of course we don't mind you talking about ivf. You are our fountain of knowledge of things to come :-)

No idea when the 18 weeks start. I've counted 18 weeks from the August 7th date. December. Eeeeeek! I've spoken to a few ladies on the clinics forum that have either already had treatment or are having it now, they never had this phone call to make another appointment. Even the receptionist that I spoke to had to put me on hold to ask someone as she'd not heard of it! Must be a really brand new added craziness! Typical.

Best of luck for those other follicles for tomorrow x

So no one knows about this new bizzare phone call by appointment system to make an appointment - not even the receptionsit! At least it seems like the ball is rolling a lot quicker for you. I have been speaking to Ruby for months and feel so sorry for her that she is given no idea as to when she will even get on the IVF waiting list But still, I can imagine December feels like forever away.

Well I am driving home from egg collection now. They got 5 eggs. I overheard the nurse tell another patient opposite me that she got 21 eggs! Made my 5 feel like pittance and I have no hope. I have been working really hard doing the things studies to improve quality so I just have to hope it's quality over quantity. Will get a phone call tomorrow with an update as to how many fertilised. It's going to be a long 24 hours....

Don't give up hope sweetheart. There is a girl on one of my facebook groups who has got 4 eggs but 2 were the best poss quality and they've put one in and frozen one.Don't know yet if she's preg from it though....

Thanks Victoria. Truly does help to hear positive stories from low egg numbers at the moment. I am sending my 5 babies warm wishes and hoping they are hearing me and growing as we speak.

Argh! Thought the appointment was with the clinic! Its actually with gynae! Its prob to book me in for a hsg which is compulsary maybe before ivf? This 18 week wait is probably for that not for ivf as I first thought! This could be a long long wait......

Hope you had good news shell

Sorry all for going AWOL for a bit - we were away for a few days & I had no 3G coverage!! Arrrgghh. You don't know what you've got till it's gone...

Victoria, it all sounds very confusing! Having been on the receiving end, I know how frustrating/ disheartening/ downright bloody annoying it can be to get an answer out of the NHS. From what they told me, an HSG is pretty much standard before IVF in case it shows up any issues they weren't aware of - which might be what's happened to me. Plus of course it's much cheaper and less invasive than IVF. Not an excuse for them not explaining that to you or faffing around with your appointments though!

How are you getting on Shell? Thinking of you xx

That's so frustrating victoria. Is the NHS like this with all things? There really needs to be some sort of petition. When it comes to IVF and age is so relevant, this wait is torture. Hope you had a nice time away rubes.

Not great news at my end either. Only 1 of the 5 eggs fertilised. Trying to research online what causes this and how to fix it but not much info there. I need to get answers now so I don't fall to pieces when this fails but instead know how to imropve fertilisation rate for next time. If it survives to day 5/Saturday, it will be transferred back into me. But I know statistically the odds are against me. Will get a call with an update today as to how my lone embryo is going. Will write back then.

Sorry about lone embryo shell fx its a great one in a few days time. With your dh's poor sperm,I would have thought icsi was a better option. Is it not available to you/too expensive for you?

Hope you had a nice break rubes x

Ha! Take that NHS! Decided today that I would make some calls about this weird telephone appointment next week. Somehow managed to be put through to the person I would have spoken to at this appointment! She said "funny you should call, your notes have just landed on my desk and I was going to refer you this afternoon to a consultant" and that I don't need the phone call next week! The Dr is going to read my notes this afternoon and decide if we need more tests and a letter should be typed and sent tomorrow! Apparently they leave a big enough gap to get the tests done and then we can see a consultant!! Told them we were on hol late September and she said oh it will be way before then! Omg! Its all happening now! Should know early next week what the next steps are!

I don't quite understand how the NHS works!?!?
Ruby has been struggling along for months and seems no closer to IVF.
You will be treated well before Sep.
I am so happy for you that it's all happening.

I am not familiar with the whole sperm antibodies thing as its not our issue so not something I've researched.
Does it mean that the sperm issues will be completely overcome with ICSI?
As for us, we did actually do ICSI and still only one fertilised!
At first, I felt like it was game over and have been trying to research how to improve fertilisation rate so that I don't fall in a heap when this fails, but instead know what to correct for next IVF attempt.
But I got a call yesterday that my lone embryo was at 10 cells.
I forgot to ask about the grading.
I then read online that the best day 3 indication of a viable embryo is the number of cells rather than the embryo grading, and that it should contain 6-10 cells.
That got me more excited with mine in the top of the range at 10 cells.
I worry I am getting too hopeful and just have further to come crashing down when it fails.
I am sure that most women have lots more embryo's than just one at day 3 with 6-10 cells, and still the IVF rate is about 30%.
But I can't help but be hopeful.
I will get a call today with an update and if all is still well, I will be told date and time of transfer tomorrow!

Hi shell, I've got everything crossed that you get good news about your embryo and it's transfer. You so deserve some good news.

I imagine I'm on a par with Ruby not ahead. Maybe even behind! I don't know when she started tests etc, ours have been ongoing since early Feb. I still think I'll be told I need to have a HSG so I will be popped on another waiting list for that. I can't see IVF treatment actually happening soon. It's just the first appointment with the fertility consultant I've got coming up in 3 weeks not the start of anything. Plus we still have to apply for NHS funding. We might fail that and have to fork out money for IVF. That will be a totally different boardgame and a lot more thinking. I think will be ok for a funded cycle. We meet the criteria for the area... between 26-39, non smokers, no previous children, BMI under 30. I can't see an issue but some girls on a FB IVF page said they were turned down with male infertility for no given reason, they just weren't given funding. Everything yet again is postcode lottery in the UK though.

Thinking of you xx

Oh okay, I misunderstood. I thought that your IVF treatment would be well before September, but it's just the appointment with the fertility consultant. So some girls meet the NHS criteria yet get turned down and are not given a reason! I never like to complain about our great Medicare system in Australia and think we should be grateful that we are given things for free, but boy, the NHS sure knows how to make life stressful. Anyway, you sound excited to at least have that appointment coming up to feel like something pro-active is being done and start the slow ball rolling.

shell I just read your thread. I'm so sorry about your embryo hun. Much love x x x

Thanks victoria. Will make follow up appt with IVF Dr and soldier on. I got 5 eggs this cycle but only 1 fertilised. I already have a theory on why that happened and if Dr agrees, we can design a new IVF protocol to fix this for next time. So hopefully I will feel more hopeful after that.

Ruby, how are you beautiful?

A girl on my other thread had her first appointment yesterday. She was told she could start treatment as early as October after a hsg in a few weeks time! Timescales are good in her area :-)

Hope you're ok girls

So it just all depends on how many women in your area are on the clinics IVF waiting list? Do you have to go to the clinic in your area or can you choose to travel?

I think it needs to be in our area for nhs. If you're privatethen you can pick and choose. My local one just happens to have a pretty good success rate and one of the top ones in the country, phew! Plus I work at the same hospital so its really easy to pop out to appointments. Don't have to miss too much work :-) not that I'm a workaholic or anything!

That sounds all very lucky then that you happen to be in an area with one of the top clinics in the country - and close to work. If we can call ourselves lucky going through this!

Nothing new at my end. Will see my IVF Dr next week and see what she suggests for my next IVF and why only 1 in 5 fertilized.

Hope Ruby is okay. Haven't heard. Hope she is just taking a welcome break from all this and hasn't disappeared into a black hole of misery.

Nagging has paid off I have an appointment September 2nd!

I'm worried about ruby too :-( I did pm her last week but nothing....

Woohoo. Perhaps I need to get some nagging tips from you as it doesn't seem to would work on my husband!

Just trying to relax and let go at the moment. People always tell you that in the past but it is not something you can just do. But now I just feel like doing it. I am not bothering about if my husband eats a bit of junk. I just want a normal relationship back. I have read every study and been trying to control everything with my last IVF cycle so it was perfect and it still didn't work. I am going to buy some alcohol soon and enjoy a few glasses. I just want my normal life back.

Going to see my IVF Dr on 14th August to set up my next IVF cycle. Usually I have read every study and tried to fix what I think went wrong the previous cycle and I am telling my Dr what I want to do next IVF. But I just don't feel like bothering any more so I am just going to trust in my very fantastic Dr and do what she says without needing to research and read every study. I am just going to try and enjoy life... and alcohol tonight.

Yes, Ruby seems to have us both worried. Funny, a two other ladies on here suddenly disappeared some time ago and never returned and I always wondered about if they were okay and what happened. One was in the midst of an IVF cycle so I assume it went badly. You wouldn't think you would worry so much about a stranger you typed to on the internet. But we know how #$% awful this infertility is so you truly do worry.

Sounds like a good plan shell, you do need to have a life outside ttc. Do you and hubby still have a 'normal' sex life 'just in case'? We've virtually stopped these passed months since diagnosis. The thing is with the forms we have to fill in, it asks how many times a month do you have sex. I can't say 1 if I'm lucky! They'll never grant us treatment with that! They'll send us away with a flea in our ear for not trying. Even when we were full flow trying we were only doing it eod in ovulation week! We have to lie but I don't know what figure to put!

Took us an hour to fill out all the paperwork. We even have a child welfare form! Would any resulting child be in any danger. But who really is going to tick the yes box even if it were true?!

The thing with online friends is that if something did happen to them, you would never know. I'm going to say that if I'm planning on taking a break/leaving netmums, I'll say goodbye to you and my other girlies, promise.

Have a nice evening x