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Responsibility to let girls be tom boys...

244 replies

Judy1234 · 29/05/2009 10:27

Do you dress your girls in pink? Expect them to be housewives? Given then a role model at home of mother home 24/7 doing dull domestic stuff, father hardly there? or do you encourage them in their adventurousness, let them ride, ski, fight, climb trees? Would you steer them away from a stereotyped party dress and read them stories where girls can be brave rather than simper?

........
From The Times
May 29, 2009
The pernicious pinkification of little girls
Find the link between (a) princess costumes (b) short hair and (c) the number of women graduates in maths and science
Antonia Senior

Where have all the pirate queens gone? Where are the cowgirls and the Supergirls? Today's fancy dress parties divide strictly on gender lines. The boys' side holds a handful of Batmans, a sprinkling of Spider-Mans, some soldiers and the odd cowboy. And on the girls' side, ten identikit princesses, swathed in pink, encrusted with fake crystals.

Is this, then, the summit of their ambition, the ultimate fantasy wish of modern girlhood - to be a princess? A role that can be inherited along with genetic mutations from generations of inbreeding. You can work for the role, it is true. Be pretty enough, my darling girl child, and mute enough, and bland enough, and you too could marry a prince. Because every girl's dream should be to lead a life of buffed and pedicured leisure, courtesy of a balding, chinless aristocrat, Whisper it, but the frog, as long as he's funny and kind, would have been the better bet.

There is an alternative to being a princess, a second costume beloved of today's girls. They shun the Ice Queens and the Elven warriors, ignore Artemis, the huntress, and Athena, the wise. Instead they celebrate the Fairy; three inches of cute, winged blondeness, dressed, inevitably, in pink.

This creeping pinkification of girlhood is ubiquitous. Toys and clothes have split down gender lines. It is impossible to buy a gender- neutral bike any more. Bikes come in blue, or in pink; as do baby walkers, and mini-keyboards, and any other toy that might once have been - imagine it! - purple or green.
Background

  • Staff baffled by fuss over bed called Lolita

  • Hollywood goes girly

  • Katie Price: a feminist icon of our times?

  • Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen and his daughter Cecile

Girls' jeans come with butterflies and hearts stitched on every spare centimetre of fabric. T-shirts carry cute slogans - ?Cherry cute! Hello Kitty?. Swimming costumes are girdled with frills. Next time you are in the park, try to spot a prepubescent girl with short hair, or one wearing trousers. Long hair, dresses and pink; it's Amish meets Disney out there.

The triumph of this pink and cutesy ideal of girlhood is grim for more than aesthetic reasons. A report published this week by the Organisation for Economic Co-operation and Development (OECD) highlighted the differences between 15-year-old girls and boys' attitudes to learning. Even though girls graduate from senior school in greater numbers than boys across the OECD countries, girls lag behind in key areas. Boys outperform girls in maths in all but eight countries. In most OECD countries, girls and boys perform equally well in science. But in six countries, boys achieve significantly better results. Top of this list is the United Kingdom.

There is a correlation between attitudes to academic subjects and performance. In the UK, girls don't do numbers. And girls definitely don't do science. Angel Gurría, the OECD's secretary-general, argues that we are complacent about gender stereotyping and that the idea that boys don't do reading and girls don't do maths persists.

These girls will one day grow up. Even though the number of women at university is increasing rapidly, they are not narrowing the gap in science, maths and computer science. As graduates then, they leave the lucrative jobs in the City, in laboratories and in computers to the boys. Armed with liberal arts degrees - a useful accoutrement in the marriage market, like a little French and dancing once were - they may marry their prince after a few years pretending to have a career at an auction house. But happy ever after is a lie. Divorce statistics suggest he is likely to leave for a pinker, younger version.

The modern, Western world has emancipated women and made breadwinners out of them. Yet we are imprisoning our little girls in pink straitjackets, and then acting surprised later when their academic ambitions fail to outshine their accessories. Our girls' view of the world is pink-tinted partly because of the supply of cheap goods. When hand-me-downs ruled, parents would be more cautious. Now that clothes and toys are imported and cheap, it matters less if you buy all pink for your first-born, and replace it all with blue when a boy arrives. A T-shirt is expendable when it cost £5 in the shop, and pennies to make in a sweatshop employing the quick, cheap fingers of foreign children.

But the pinking process would not be happening without demand from the girls themselves and their parents. Put a gaggle of girls in a nursery and they will copy each other. Throw into the mix the culturally overbearing world of Disney, add a sprinkle of fashion fairy dust, and a roomful of princesses is born. For a vision of what this looks like, visit disney.go.com/princess/#/home. All the Disney princesses are there in a terrifying tableau of simpering, gurning girlishness. Why are all these princesses, the apotheoses of modern girlhood, clasping their hands together in front of them, in an expression of coy submissiveness?

If peer pressure is one driver of demand, the other must come from the parents. Perhaps this is a backlash against the Seventies, when boys called Orlando were forced to play with dolls, and girls wore trousers. Feminist theory has developed since then, recognising that there are differences between the sexes. But this seems to have mutated into an insistence that we emphasise the differences. If a girl old enough to choose begs to dress as a princess, it would be dogmatic to refuse. But why encourage this inanity in babies and toddlers too young to care?

The mothers of these girls, the careless inheritors of the equality hard won by their own mothers and grandmothers, are complicit in this pinking up of girlhood. Why? These women have themselves bestridden the world of work like colossi. Yet they are raising a generation of girls who, when confronted by a periodic table or a quadratic equation, are fit only to curl hair coyly round fingers, and say, in an affected lisp: ?Why are we bothering our pretty little heads about any of this??

OP posts:
Overmydeadbody · 29/05/2009 12:20

exactly muffle.

It's not the girly princess thing that is the problem, it's the fact that girls have few other options, especially when they are little.

Gorionine · 29/05/2009 12:20

I so agree with you Overmydeadbody, That is what I was trying to say but you did it much better than me : there is very little choice for girls, it is head to toe pink or very plain quite boyish clothes nowadays.

cory · 29/05/2009 12:20

mrsruffallo on Fri 29-May-09 12:09:31
"How patronising
What's wrong with the humanities or studying English?
Getting to uni is not the path of least resistance for everyone actually, it is a big achievement for many working class kids "

As you can see, I clarify this in a later post. I am not talking about working class children who struggle to get to university, or about anyone who has a genuine interest in their studies.

The fact is that most university teachers at least in the humanities are constantly dealing with a proportion of students who have very little particular interest in their subject. They are there because university attendance is now expected of a large proportion of the population. They would never choose reading an extra book in their subject over another leisure pursuit; the question that comes up most frequently is 'will we need to know this for the exam?'. They complain bitterly if you suggest that they do extra reading. In course evaluations, they will give the module a low mark with the motivation that 'I found this subject difficult', even if they then admit that the teaching was excellent.

I am not saying this affects all students, or all female students: in fact, we are going slightly off-track now. We all have some brilliant ones. But we also have a fair few who openly admit that they are not particularly interested in reading books, or learning Modern Languages or whatever.

mrsruffallo · 29/05/2009 12:22

Yes, you did clarify that afterwards, cory, thank you

cory · 29/05/2009 12:22

You have a good point, overmydead, but with boys it doesn't seem to start as early, it seems to be more about normal hormones rather than pressures of society.Naturally everybody wants to attract the opposite sex- and nothing wrong with that. But it is very rare to find a boy who makes appearance into a hobby. And girls do seem to start long before they can actually have very much in the way of sexual feelings.

Geocentric · 29/05/2009 12:23

My DD loves pink and etc. But she also loves to run around barefoot, get dirty and walk in the woods. She (at 4) hasn't quite decided if when she grows up she will be a vet, a ballerina or a Bakugan Brawler (has a big brother). I love that she takes a bit from all worlds and mixes it up into her own unique blend.

As long as we keep possibilities open in their minds, our daughters can be anything they like. Pink is just a phase. Don't attach too much importance to it.

ChocolateRabbit · 29/05/2009 12:24

I've been lucky with clothes for DD (2) - I managed to get very nice 2nd hand ones from Ebay which seem largely to be orange/red/ blue rather than pink although she does have a thing for glitter and lipstick (fortunately just to paint walls/ DH with both).

I have been surprised though at the number of people who sell/ give away their Ds' toys when they have a girl because 'girls want pink' or they don't want cars. I was also slightly alarmed by a blog in the Times a little while ago when someone said her deepest aspiration was for her baby girl to be a dancer or actress. I will obviously try and support DD whatever, but do have a bit of a hankering for her to be an engineer .

SolidGoldBrass · 29/05/2009 12:27

The obsession with emphasising gender difference is really an obsession with keeping women in their place: lesser than men. If one category wasn't higher status than the other, there would be no need to make such a fucking big deal over whether or not any given thing is 'masculine' or 'feminine'.
And if you think that;s old-style feminist paranoia, think on this: it's seen as understandable/natural/to be encouraged for girls to want to do the things designated as 'male' (you should aspire to be like your 'betters') unless this may affet men's access to good things, in which case arguments are hastily mustered to the effect that females can't have/do this as it will make their wombs fall out and they will burst into tears all over the place. However, men who want to do 'female' things are either mocked or worried about.

And don't peddle such utter bullshit as the gender-division being some kind of biological phase: when gender isn't actually biologically binary anyway, small children don't care about it until adults start making a massive fuss about it, and every aspect of gender behaviour is socially constructed and about maintaining hierarchy.

cory · 29/05/2009 12:27

Of course with sensible parental input, pink can just be a phase. My dd did enjoy it for a while (though was never allowed to indulge in too much non-active wear). Sadly, she will not do much more tree-climbing, as she is now wheelchair bound. But then she won't be a dancer either. She can of course go to uni. But I will turn up personally and strangle her with my bare hands if word ever gets back to me that she has asked one of my colleagues 'will I need to know this for the exam?'.

cory · 29/05/2009 12:28
Geocentric · 29/05/2009 12:32

cory hit it on the head with the words 'sensible parental input'. Of course, SGB, gender is a social construction. Which is why its important as parents to show our dd's how many different paths there are in life to choose from.

mrsruffallo · 29/05/2009 12:36

I don't know if all gender related behaviour is socially constructed actually.
DS's friends play differently to DD's, and he is not averse to dressing up as a fairy

LeninGrad · 29/05/2009 12:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Gorionine · 29/05/2009 12:38

I agree about the sensible parenting. I also agree that parents (mums in that case because that was what I understood of Op) can be sensible weather SAHM or WHOM.

cory · 29/05/2009 12:40

perhaps not all

but an awful lot is

the child who becomes aware at age 4 that her mum thinks a toy car is an unsuitable present is bound to be influenced in her behaviour in some way

and there is a noticeable difference between dd's female friends in this country and her friends in Sweden, which also is part of Western gender culture, but is more geared towards active outdoor pursuits for both sexes

not to mention the big differences between the blokes I know here and the blokes I know in Sweden

GetOrfMoiLand · 29/05/2009 12:40

This a good thread (plus haven't seen Xenia on MN for ages).

I think that most mothers of girls find (sweeping assumtion) that their dd's go in distinct phases of girly crap, or like a bot of both. DD is certainly like that, she has had moments of pink tutu obsession and also wild tomboy moments.

  • from about the age of 7 she has been obsessed with Ferrari, watches the motor racing avidly. She used to have a red ferrari suit and pretend she was Michael Schumacher . However she was at the same time completely in love with Polly Pocket crap and dolls houses.

-she has combined a love of High School sodding Musical with more grungey and 'intelligent' bands like Green Day, Killers and The Smiths.

  • She plays rugby and football for the school and town, and cricket for the county. However she also like wearing makeup, and having her hair look pretty (not at the same time as the sports matches, I may add!)
  • she is a member of the school Audio Visual team (the only girl amongst all the boy techies) but also is a member of the textiles club and spends ages embroidering costumes etc.

So she really is a combination of both boyish and traditionally girly. FWIW I have always been a full time WOHM in a male-dominated area (aerospace engineering), not that dd would want to emulate that (she thinks I am a complete saddo for being interested in aeroplanes), she wants to be a soccer coach in America (emulating my brother on that one).

cory · 29/05/2009 12:41

sorry, answering mrsruffalo's post there

oh and apologies to LeninGrad. Of course not everybody does. Silly generalisation. But a lot of people do.

GetOrfMoiLand · 29/05/2009 12:43

One thing I have noticed lately is loads of media articles effectively stating that working mothers wouldn't want the same for their daughters, would prefer them to marry a rich man, stay at home etc. There was one in Grazia this week and one in the Sunday Times a couple of weeks back. Annoying.

fluffyanimal · 29/05/2009 12:47

"And don't peddle such utter bullshit as the gender-division being some kind of biological phase: when gender isn't actually biologically binary anyway, small children don't care about it until adults start making a massive fuss about it,..."

Oddly enough, we have never made a point about gender difference with our ds, aged 3, he happily plays with dolls as well as cars, but he has recently started saying "You can't play, Mummy, you don't have a willy like me and Daddy." Where's he got that from??

OrmIrian · 29/05/2009 12:48

Yes. I agree. Nothing else to say.

smallorange · 29/05/2009 13:18

My DD1 seems to be confused about her gender role - she insists on wearing dresses, dressing up as a princess, plays at putting on makeup and paints her nails.

She then ladders her tights shinning up lampposts, could climb to the top of highest climbing frame from age 3, can outrun (just about) her two male best friends and is usually returned to me by the the nursery with wild paint-covered hair, laddered tights, filthy T-shirt and a mixture of pen, mud and snot over her face.

I wish there were healthier role models for little girls out there. I was looking at my mother's old 'Girl' annuals from the '50's the other day and, although they could be described as sexist by today's standards, they were overwhelmingly positive about being female. There were many articles about famous ballerinas etc but also ones about successful female sportswomen and scientists.

BTW am a social science graduate and SAHM (at the moment) so no hope for my daughters there! Might as well give up now, eh?

Fruitbeard · 29/05/2009 13:53

What gets my goat is the lack of choice in clothing and the gender thing being imposed by other people, not by the children.

EG - DD (4) looks good in blue. Her fave character ever is Mr Bump. I bought her a Mr Bump t-shirt from Asda, she looks great in it, but the number of people who have said to me 'why is she wearing a boy's t-shirt' - FFS, it's Mr Bump! Just because it's not Little Miss Precocious in pink, somehow it's a boy's shirt??

Really hacks me off. She climbs trees, jumps off high walls, outruns all the boys in school, will go on the wildest ride at the funfair without turning a hair, loves getting messy. Quite often in a fairy dress. And whoever posted before about girls' clothes not washing well was spot on...[grr]. However her favourite dressing up costume of choice is a long sleeveless woollen top covered in blue sequins I bought at her insistence in a charity shop - it's her fish costume. She is quite often the only fish in a sea of princesses, but that's fine by me.

What gives me the creeps is when she's been watching her sleeping beauty DVD (we like the dragon) and turns to me saying 'mummy, when can I get married? I want to get married?' . Thankfully she also wants to be a vet, a doctor or a magic cushion...

Judy1234 · 29/05/2009 14:32

Getorf - those articles are just propaganda. I've worked since I was 21 and my oldest child is 24. I have adored my career and I want my daughters if they choose to haev that power and freedom which comes with a fascinating intellectually challenging career in which you earn a lot whilst having a large family and tons of babies. It's the nicest combination and balanced life on the planet for women. So I am certainly not deterring to and my two older ones are girls and from their comments I have not had any impression they intend to stop work.
I may be the only person posting with childre who have gone right through up to uniersity stage. Teenagers and their clothes is another issue again and of course they all like to form their own little groups and conform.

Yes, emphasising gender difference is used to keep women down but I would never want to stifle debate about genuine differences between men and women (and they do exist).

I spent a lot of time in woods as a child and finding yew to make bows and arrows with and my daughters in their teens were outside huge amounts often on horseback. Even now at 47 I am excitedly planning our August trip to camp on my island in Panama. Taht is not particularly girlie. In the early 80s I did buy the chidlren some chidlren's books which deliberately protrayed women as plumbers and the like (thankfully it did not result in my daughters choosing plumbing as a career....) but I did then think it was important they saw different gender sterotypes.

In the 70s my sister and I read Enid Blyton books aloud to each other reversing the sexes which was hilarious and revealed how awful the gender rules were (except for George the tom boy).

I've just looked at 100 photos of a friend's daughter's wedding on-line. It seemed to typify the worst aspects of consumerism but is the main aim for many girls but the happily ever after often goes wrong and then they are dependent on if the man comes good and pays out to keep them.

OP posts:
smallorange · 29/05/2009 14:46

"I am excitedly planning our August trip to camp on my island in Panama."

I missed you Xenia.

KristinaM · 29/05/2009 14:47

LOL at small orange

you are right, xenia is always good for a laugh