Here's a story to get you all debating - was the mother in this story right or worng in her actions?

[saltire]

here.

She has come in for a lot of criticism. I personally think she was wrong. but I am not the mother of a 14 year old daughter.

what's wrong with sex in cars

sex in cars is the best sex.

as long as you are not caught by the park officers.

mind you.....it is not ok for teens under 16, seeing as they should not be driving at that age!

yes, this is helicopter paretning for teenagers. I can't risk my child havign sex in a car so I'll make up the spare room and it will all be smashing.

The good thing about this case is the publicity. It will stop a lot of men taking advantage of teenage girls. Most men don't want to be labelled sex offenders.

I think that if I were the mother in this kind of situation (I have a DS, no DDs, my DS is only 4 so it's all a way off yet...) what I did would depend on the character of both my hypothetical DD and her chosen partner.
Bear in mind that a couple of centuries ago it would not have been seen as at all unusual for a 22-year-old man to be impregnating a girl of 14 - many girls had children at that age - and even 50/60 years ago, it would not have been seen as wierd or unacceptable for an adult man to have sex with a teenage girl, well, as long as he married her first.

I think what I would probably do if DS were to take up with an adult woman when he's in his teens would be to befriend her, invite her round the house lots, etc, and make damn sure that the relationship wasn't coercive or unhappy.
And I do find all the gleeful threats of violence dumb and depressing. If your teenager considers him/herself in love with an older partner and you physically assault the partner or arrange for the partner to be physically assaulted, you will fuck up your relationship with your teenager, pretty much irretrievably.

ok solid, as you say, your ds is only 4.

cock fighting and bear baiting was acceptable not so long ago, so thats ok then.

"Surely if she is old enough to have sex she is old enough to choose who it's with." But she is not old enough to have sex. The age of consent is 16, therefore at 14 she is not old enough to have sex. It doesn't matter if she's a mature 14, having sex is illegal, and arguing that she might be mature is irelevant. Where would you draw the line? 13? 12? 11?

I also disagree with the sentiment that when you have a 14 year old you just have to let them do whatever they like because the alternatives don't bear thinking about.

If a teen is going to have sex, then they will. But as parents we can be aware of what they might be doing without encouraging it. And IMO allowing teens to have sex under your roof is encouraging it. So we do it to make them safe. So what else would we rather facilitate to make safer? Allow them to do drugs at home rather than sharing needles in some back alley? Drugs are as illegal as under age sex after all...

Re the older guy, on the surface one must question why a 22 year old would be interested in a 14 year old. However it is entirely possible that the 22 year old is immature enough to be on a younger level (girls are far more mature than boys anyway, so 14 year old girl would be more at the level of an 18 year old boy and thus if 22 year old was immature the gap might not seem so huge emotionally.

When I was 14 I went out with a 19 year old. He was immature and I was mature for my age. Certainly mature enough to know that sex at such a young age was wrong, and he was religious and A didn't believe in sex before marriage, and B wouldn't have taken advantage. And while the age gap was huge, and while it wasn't until we broke up did I suddenly understand why his mother seemed so against the relationship (she was never hostile or anything - just didn't seem overly keen iyswim, although invited me to stay for weekends etc was just ve particular about doors being left open etc), he certainly wasn't with me because he wanted to take advantage. The sad (for him) fact of the matter was, he loved me. Truely he loved me, and about six months ago he told me in an email (about something entirely different) that he'd never felt about anyone the way he felt about me back then. (I hurredly backed away and have had limited contact since). but I think he would have been horrified to have been considered a pervert, just because he happened to fall in love with a girl who was that much younger than him.

Jesuswhatnext: I am not saying that it was invariably right for young girls to be sold to married to much older men just because it happened a lot in the past. More that it's not a case, as someone else said earlier, that a switch flips in your brain on the morning of your 16th birthday which makes you 'ready' for sex. Basically WRT to young people who have gone through puberty, while I think that the legal age of 16 is a good guide, I also think that every case should be assessed according to the individuals involved, and that we know next to nothing about the actual 14-year-old girl and 22-year-old man in the case being discussed.

Also, someone else mentioned further up the thread the possibility of a 14-year-old boy having a relationship with a 22-year-old man and I hope that if that happened to my DS I would, again, judge the situation on its particular merits and the people involved.

At the end of the day the surest way to get your daughter to marry (or get pregnant by) somebody you diapprove of is to ban him from the house.

The mother was never going to win in this situation.
A friend of mine from school ran off to London at 15 with some bloke she met on holiday and literally nobody's laid eyes on her for 18 years, still don't know if she's dead or alive.

great, i shall let my dd do whatever she pleases then if thats the case!

utterly ridiculous.

whilst in many arguments/debates, the surest way for an upper hand is to use SGBs assertion of judging on individual merits, i can see quite plainly what i would do as ihave a 15 year old daughter. it is my DUTY to parent her until she is no longer in my care. 16 is not a guide, it is a law. There must be a point at which we say this is the legal age to have sex, this is the legal age to go to war, vote etc.

the girl was 14 the BF in question was seven years her senior. One can be as accomodating as one pleases, however it does not negate the power that can be weilded by such maturity, which is why this is a law.

She's 14. She's a child.

He's 22. He's a man.

It breaches the Sex Offences Act listed below.

If a 22 year old man is in a relationship with a 14 year old girl he is either an inadequate person, or he's a paedophile.

I would want neither having a sexual relationship with a daughter of mine. (I have three boys, no girls, so hypothetical).

Girls and boys having sex at 14/15/16 is a different scenario, but one which wouldn't be encouraged.

do you think all they were doing was having sex, maybe they were having a relationship?

Irrelevant what I think tbh.

Fact of the matter is she's a child, he's a man, so there should be no relationship to speak of.

And yes I do remember what it's like to be 14, I have a 14 year old DS (not quite the same) and I'm married to a man 7 years older than me, difference being we met when I was an adult.

Thing is, laws are made by people, they are not infallible, and just because something is against the law doesn't always make it wrong. This is why I say that the legal age of consent being 16 is a good guide but each case should be taken on its merits.

Good point SGB. My ds1 was very mature for his age and so was his gf. Not giggly or silly about it. My ds2 however is a different story. He is much younger for his age than his brother was at the same age so i don't think i will be allowing him some of the same freedoms his brother has.

either that law (16) is a good law or it isn't - is it a good law?

maybe we shouldnt have a law.

yes, thats it - lets scrap the law and let human kind use our own judgement as a guide

hm, due to teh age difference it does feel/actually is wrong....I would feel differently though if it was a boy of similar age....sadly it seems quite normal now for children of that age to have sex...

oh god, I might be in this situation in a few years....my oldesnt ds is 12....omg...I shal try to live in denial about this for a bit longer....sigh

I don't think the law should be scrapped. It is there to protect children.

I still think a 22 year old man and a 14 year old girl (or vice versa) is very different from 2 teenagers who are 16 and 15 tho.

I can only speak from my own experience with my own ds1.

This is what happens when people take the [cue smarmy smug voice] "I'd rather it was happening under my roof than in some bus-shelter" attitude - whether that's sex, drink or drugs.

agreed

UQD what happens?

But then I only have an 8 and a 5, so what do I know...? I've seen that desperate look in the eye of teenagers' parents.

It doesn't have to be that way, though, surely.

All i know is i didn't want my teen and his gf having to do it in a bus shelter or something equally gruesome

It's difficult to be a parent and teens are the pits !!

People do talk as if the only choice is a) doing it here or b) doing it there.