Here's a story to get you all debating - was the mother in this story right or worng in her actions?

[saltire]

here.

She has come in for a lot of criticism. I personally think she was wrong. but I am not the mother of a 14 year old daughter.

I agree with geordie. At 15 years old I got involved with a bloke of 23- same gap as this pair. We met at an am dram soc I went to with my parents. We didn't actually have sex because I realised when we started seeing each other regularly that actually I didn't fancy him that much , so made sure we were never alone. He wanted to..

I went out with a bloke of 30 when I was 17... over the arbitrary legal limit but still a big gap.

On the other side of things I have a DS who is 21. He is very young for his age, and IMO a mature 14 year old girl would be about his emotional level.

I came from a "not under my roof" house, and always imagined I'd be a very liberal parent until my 16 yo DD asked for her 16 yo bf to stay over. Turns out I am my mother after all

MorrisZapp you are judging parents on here.
and makeing comments like
*I hate to say this, but the frothing 'Not under my roof!' type parents at school always ended up with the most off the rails kids"

yet you then say you don't have kids. so how do you know what you would do/feel?
I do have a 13 yr old dd and a 16yr old ds so know teens abit.

I live in hope that my DD will have a few more interests in her life at 14 years of age!!

TrillianAstra thanks for the link. still I am glad it stopped him as she was a fruit loop.

A 14 or 15 year old at an over 18s club? That's asking for trouble, surely.

The age gap is fine when both parties are adults, and I'd go as far as saying that this sort of age gap is fine once the age of 20 or so is reached. A 14 year old with a 22 year old is placed in a very vulnerable situation, and open to abuse of power, even if this doesn't fit in most people's stereotype of child abuse.

Morris - if that post was directed to me then I think it's a little unfair.

I have a dd who at 15 wanted to sleep with her 14 year old girlfriend (a couple of years ago). When her gf stayed over it was in separate bedrooms and them having sex was not overtly encouraged under my roof. I knew they were having sex when I was out and I guess I discreetly allowed them that time together as I didn't want them to be doing it outside somewhere but also didn't want them to be doing it when we were in the house. As a result she respects that and has never abused it.

As for "locking my dd up", well I didn't need to. She went to nightclubs and parties where I knew drink would be available and I knew she would drink but, beyond that she was given lifts so I knew she was at the places she said she was going to. She had quite a lot of freedom and trust and she has developed because of that trust but I had an element of control. There is a differecne between stifling your kids and them rebelling and wanting to know where they are and who with. I know where my kids are when they go out and they would never hang around on street corners like some kids I deal with at work and see them getting into trouble and wouldn't do anything any differently. As a result she talks to me all the time about sex, love, moving in with her gf etc, which she wouldn't do if we didn't have a close and trsuting relationship.

It's about time many parents took more control over their kids from babyhood and naybe they wouldn't have such problems with them by the time they got to being teenagers. (And yes, I do know that some kids are just wrong 'uns despite their parents best intentions).

she was wrong

It is condescending psychomum, and unfair.

I have parents, I've had sex, I've lived and breathed this situation.

My mum loves me like the lioness mentioned above but she didn't demonstrate this by banning me from seeing my BF or by getting my dad to batter him either.

She took the liberal view that I was going to do this anyway so it was a question of damage limitation, not 'just say no'.

I think I'd take a similar view myself, as this is how I've been brought up.
I fully agree that we don't want our treasured kids to have sex, and I'm not suggesting it's easy when they do.

2advent, I am giving my opinion. Is that ok?

Isn't the whole point of this thread to judge parents? ie, is it ok or not ok to let your DD have sex at home?

I say it can be. My own experience from schooldays (when I used to be a teenager, which is how I know so much about them) leads me to feel that way.

but morriw, you have lived and breathed the situation as a DD, not as a parent, and so, you have no idea how you would feel, nor how we would feel, being in the situation described. No idea at all!

until you have children, be they birth children or adopted (or by marriage....ie step-children), then you seriously have no idea the feelings involved.

I nannied, live in full-time nannying, and I honestly could say I never thought I could love those children more than I would have my own......and then I had children, and boy, those feelings as a mum are infinity wide, compared to just the universe for the chidren I nannied for.

i think that i must be a freak myslef. at 14 i was so not interested in having sex. or going to over 18s clubs.

excuse me while i lock my 3 year old up until he's 30.

i would like to make my position on this cristal clear - my dd is now 16, i want and encourage her to have loads of friendships, i enjoy meeting her friends, girls and boys, she has a lovely bf who is a few months older than her, yep, he stays the night, has been on holiday with us and is treated as part of our family, we have gor to know his parents etc.

what i would never have condoned or facillitated is a MAN, having sex with her, ANYWHERE, while she was under age - until she became 16, her sex life (or hopefully, lack of it) was MY responsibility, i made every other decision for her ie, what school she went to, what doctor she saw, how much freedom she had etc.

and i make no apologies for the fact that i would (and did) tell some bloke right where to get off if he threatened her well-being, i would do the same if i felt she was being abused/beaten etc till my dieing day.

the mother in this case took the easy route.

I wasnlt interested either at 14 purplemonkey.

I was at 15 tho!

and I remember it well.......which is why I would not stop my DD if the lad in question was her age......altho I would sit and have a serious chat with her (maybe both actually), to make sure they knew exactly what they were doing.

but with a man so much older........well, no way!

I do want my dd and my ds's in due course of time to have sex. I want them to know just how wonderful it can be when it is part of a loving and close relationship. I have standards and expect my kids to respect themselves and give it considered thought before they jumo into bed with anyone. I would hope I have a good enough relationship with my kids to give have given them that confidence to make good decisions for themselves.

What I would say about this mother is that we do not know the full story, we never can know what the full truth of any situation is that is reported in the papers. So I would reserve judgement for that reason but I can put my opinion forward on how I think parents should have control over their kids.

Morriszapp - in the eyes of the law it is paedophilia.

i did a training course covering the 2003 sexual offences act.

Here is a little bit of it:

Sexual activity with a child

(1) A person aged 18 or over (A) commits an offence if?

(a) he intentionally touches another person (B),

(b) the touching is sexual, and

(c) either?

(i) B is under 16 and A does not reasonably believe that B is 16 or over, or

(ii) B is under 13.

the maximum sentence is 14 years.

and anyway a 14 is a child.

I think that we have to go back and remember when we were teens. I lied a lot and said that I was staying with a friend, when in fact I was pubbing & clubbing for the world. Yes, at 14, nearly 15 and I had sex as well with a man who was 26. I lied to him about my age.

In fact, on recollection, I lied a lot during that period. My parents would have had seizures had they known what was going on. Once, when I was more or less sussed out and kept home, I put pillows in the bed and climbed out of the window. Once your parents are sleeping, there is a whole world of possiblities.

I can truly say 'God help' my kids when they reach this age as what I did as a teen was truly unnaceptable. They will not get the chance, I hope. But then my Parents were terribly old fashioned too and it made me more rebellious.

My Aunt used to say that she would let her daughter sleep with her boyfriend at her home because the alternative is out in the streets (been there, done that myself!). I'm not sure whether it would have been an acceptable idea if there was such an age gap.
The age of the man is what makes me feel put off by the actions of this mother, I know that parents pushing to end a relationship can have disasterous results, my parents tried to meddle in a relationship I was having (I was 17) as they were very concerned about the person I was seeing and whether it would ruin my A levels. They even called him to the house while I wasnt there and asked him to stop seeing me. It ended up pushing us both to keep going with a relationship for much longer than may have happened (in a "I'll prove you wrong" way) if they'd allowed it to fizzle out naturally. But, having said that, I dont think that a parent should let a man in their 20's sleep with their underage daughter in their home.
But I'm not sure what age I think it becomes acceptable.

It came to light because the girl fell out with her mother and told a teacher at school. The teacher involved the authorities.

Noonki it is against the law but..... only if the child complains. The parents have no right to accuse someone of having underage sex with their child unless they've actually seen it happen!

I went out clubbing when I was 15, my mum knew where I was, what time I would be back. No harm ever came to me.

Best friends parents wouldnt let her go out until she was 18 (step mum and dad) - this was partly due to her mother being an alcoholic and dying of liver failure when friend was 14. Anyhoo - she lied, lied and lied about where she was, who she was with and what she was doing. She ended up drinking cider in the park one night, utterly wrecked, another "friend" thought it would be a good idea to put her in a freezing bath to sober her up - she ended up in hospital. Police went round to her dads house "do you know where your daughter is?"
"Oh yes she's at xxx's house studying for her mocks" (she was 14 btw),
"Er no, she's in the local hospital, alchol poisoning and hyperthermia"

Not good and sadly not uncommon

Right, I'm back, had to go and lie down as came over very sick and dizzy!

DH and I discussed this after I had posted. He says he can see the mother's reasoning behind it, whereas I can't. If the boyfriend had been 15/16 then yes, maybe, but not at 22. At 14, I certianly wasn't interested in older boys (or boys full stop). However, there is world of difference between someone of my generation (I'm 38 now) and what it was like for me as a teenager, and what teenagers are like now.
I still don't think that letting a 14 have sex with a 22year old, even if the option was her sitting on Duns law with a bottle of Buckie

"I would rather know where my daughter is and who she is with than have her running around the streets getting into trouble."

That's pitiful

saltire - i'm not sure that life is that different, i'm 45, ohh bugger was i a sod? you bet, at 14, given the chance i was off with hairy arsed bikers having a whale of a time - thankfully, my parents were not daft and reined me in, no, it was'nt easy for them,(or me!, why did they have me if they wanted to ruin my life!?) i was a total pita etc but they were RIGHT, i was their responsibility, thier daughter and they loved me. i thank them for it now.

it's too easy to say 'oh, at least i know where they are'and then let them do as they wish, knowing where they are is only a small part of the job, their mental/pyhsical/moral well-being is the harder part. we signed up for that bit when we got pregnant, in my book anyway.

I think the mother was sooooo wrong, and I'm glad the authorities have had the gumption to call her on it.

I think those of you who think she could have stopped this are in for a big shock when your children are teenagers.
From what I can gather it is better to have them under your roof rather than having sex in cars or parks, both of which I did (over 16 but only because I hadn't met anyone nice before then).