Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

News

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

Here's a story to get you all debating - was the mother in this story right or worng in her actions?

137 replies

saltire · 28/11/2008 15:36

here.

She has come in for a lot of criticism. I personally think she was wrong. but I am not the mother of a 14 year old daughter.

OP posts:

Nagapie · 28/11/2008 16:27

'After finding out the lad was 22, I did all I could to get them to end the relationship as did her father. '

thenewme · 28/11/2008 16:37

She was wrong, plain and simple.

aGalChangedHerName · 28/11/2008 16:38

I have "allowed" and negotiated stuff with my teen ds that i never thought i would.

I don't know if i would/will feel differently about my dd's when they are older.

jesuswhatnext · 28/11/2008 16:40

the crux of the matter is, the child was 14, parents still have ultimate responsibility for her (and also for any subsiquent grandchild!) i would not allow, in any way, or make it possible, for some bloke of that age to have sex with my (underage) daughter.

dd is now nearly 17, has very much her own private life, however, my stance is - if the consiquences of your sex life impact on me and dh (meaning asking us to bring up baby because she is at college/has no money/partner support etc) then it is still our business and we will do what we think right.

Heated · 28/11/2008 16:41

I thought the mother made valid points and I could understand her v-p but there is no way that scenario would happen under my roof. Dh would have to be physically restrained, FIL would pay him a visit & I'd have him arrested.

jesuswhatnext · 28/11/2008 16:43

btw - in case anyone wondered, i'm very much looking forward to being a nana if i ever get the chance

aGalChangedHerName · 28/11/2008 16:44

I do think the age puts a different slant on it imo.

If ds1 had a 22 year old gf i would have reacted differently to him having a gf of 15.

I simply wouldn't have entertained her being anywhere near my ds.

Tortington · 28/11/2008 16:51

well, the woman was clearly wrong, there is no debate about that i hope!

i can imagine gettng to aplace where you cannot stop your daughter seeing someone and the lengths at which she may go to to be with the 'love of her life' might be somewhat drastic and could involve further bad consequences such as being a run away and homeless and getting into drugs etc.

In that situation, a couple of things would happen

i would have phoned the police
I would phone social services and ask for help ( not that they give you any if you ask!)
dh would then threaten him whilst giving him a serious kicking
ds1 would then kick him some more and invite friends to kick him a bit

if it carried on - i know people who know people and i would have his knee caps done

jesuswhatnext · 28/11/2008 16:54

custy, are you my long lost sister?

Tortington · 28/11/2008 16:57

i dont have any siblings...until now

grouchyoscar · 28/11/2008 16:57

I understand the idea that if it's going to happen it will happen wether you as a parent agree to it or not and at least you know what's going on. But this isn't kids from the same peer group, it's a 22 yr old male with a 14 tear old girl.

Isn't that illegal? Isn't that paedophilic? Isn't that satutory rape?

How can a parent be comfortable with that.

MorrisZapp · 28/11/2008 16:57

Don't know if I have understood correctly but is the mother being charged for something? And if so, is the father also being charged?

I had sex 'underage' ie at 15 and wonder if all the naysayers have forgotten what it is like to be that age. My mum allowed my bf to stay the night, but we didn't 'do it' when she was in the house at that would have felt wrong.

If my mum had tried to ban me from seeing my bf I'd have done something vastly more silly than have sex at home, I'd have run away or skived school to be with him. I may only have been 15 but I was totally in love with him. Parents forget that part - the feelings their kids have are real.

The lad in question was totally wrong for me and we split up before I went to uni, but if my mum had pressurised me to ditch him I'd have dug my heels in, and I know loads of people who ended up living with total tossers just to spite their disapproving parents. At that age you resent them telling you what to do, and the inappropriate bf just looks all the more attractive if your parents try to badmouth him.

This guy in the story was 22 which makes it all a bit unsavoury but I personally don't agree that it was child abuse or anything like that (unless the girl was coerced).

I wasn't much older then her (mere months) when I had sex and it wasn't abuse, it was a teenage fumble.

Tortington · 28/11/2008 16:57

open arms...not just open

2shoes · 28/11/2008 16:57

custy you are classic

Tortington · 28/11/2008 17:00

morris it sthe age gap that makes all the difference.

i haven't forgotten what its like to be 15 and my daughter is 15 and is on the pill - am not burying my head in the sand - it might happen, but i need to make sure its on her terms - and you just can't be sure of that with someone much more mature than you, that they aren't using that maturity as a weapon for coercion, this is much different from a 15 yo boy - well about 7 years. thats a lot of a maturity difference i would say.

Heated · 28/11/2008 17:02

No, the mother hasn't been charged with anything because the man has admitted the offence and will go on the sex offenders register. They live in a small place in Scotland.

MorrisZapp · 28/11/2008 17:02

Can I just say that I find the cheerful threats of violence on here just as sinister as people having consensual sex. My father and step dad would never dream of threatening or attacking anybody with physical violence, they just aren't like that.

I don't know anybody in RL who is. Or who has managed to solve an issue with threatening or attacking somebody.

Heated · 28/11/2008 17:03

Nor has the father btw,who also was in agreement with the plan, but it's the mother who has come in for all the flack.

jesuswhatnext · 28/11/2008 17:05

custy, i kind of knew what you meant

morris, no, i haven't forgotten what it was like to be that age, (and believe me, i liked the 'bad boys') thats exactly why i would rip the bollocks off some bloke of that age if he was trying to get my dd into bed - it is a parents responsibilty/duty to protect their child and i will make no bones about it, however attractive a bloke of 22 is to a 14 year old, it is WRONG, and i will not condone/facillitate it.

MorrisZapp · 28/11/2008 17:07

I'm not sure custardo. I wouldn't like my DD to be sleeping with an older man either, but I think we have to be careful about our reasons why.

Surely if she is old enough to have sex she is old enough to choose who it's with. Most girls are vastly more mature then boys of their own age - I remember my mum scoffing at my choice of BF, as if he was a silly little kid and I should choose somebody more mature. She was right of course but I wasn't going to admit that!

I'm 37 and if I saw a 14 year old girl and a 22 year old boy together I probably wouldn't be able to say which one was older.

I think I'd have to settle in my mind that my DD was having sex becuase she wanted to and wasn't being coerced, no matter who her partner was.

After that, within reason, it would have to be up to her.

jesuswhatnext · 28/11/2008 17:10

at 22, he is no 'boy'!

Nagapie · 28/11/2008 17:10

Perhaps because the daughter was living with her mum??

2shoes · 28/11/2008 17:10

a 14 year old is a child

so this was child abuse.

Heated · 28/11/2008 17:10

No, I still find the idea of a 22yr old man wanting sex with a child more sinister & disturbing than thoughts of physical intimidation.

2shoes · 28/11/2008 17:11

Heated too right

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6