'MSbP, Lost Mothers 3'

[kalex]

A new thread for Bunglie, Cheeseball, Spudbrain and Postsue.

With my love and best wishes to them all.

God I sound like a greeting card

kalex - the surefire way to tell if it is bunglie is to see whether her teddy bear is wearing a thong

Hope you are feeling better today Bunglie. got no more suggestions for the letter - am rubbish at such things - but what sofiaames says sounds good to me. Hope you have managed to get it done. I can't go to the demo, but will check out the web site u quoted.
take care

Thanks for the suggestions , I am going to SLEEP tonight and I shall do it with a clear head tommorrow. Last night , did not sleep at all and I am afraid it caught up with me today and I felt as if I was coming down with flu. I am not, I am just really tired so a good sleep and your common sense advice I hope will 'cure' my probs. I will try again tomorrow.

Now WK, at least my teddy wears underwear, I bet yours is a bare bear, we have decorum in this house

More about the peaceful protest when I am more 'with it' as your support, whether by word of mouth or ANYTHING is very badly needed.

I shall look forward to it Beety, I think I have my cucumber sarnie recipe just right, so they start to curl at the edges as the guests walk in the door........I really do love you all in a very 'mumsnet way 'IYKWIM

Karices, my PA has had a busy time but is going to teach us all how to speak french as long as no one mentions what wonderful sunshine we have had down here in the south west for the last few days hee hee [GRIN}, I shall get back to you, and thank you.

Has anyone been watching Waking the Dead on BBC1. It sounds to me like someone took Bunglie's story and made it into a script for a tv show. Complete with evil ap's who had child that they adopted kidnapped from real parents by paediatrician who testified in lots of cases claiming children were abused who weren't.

kalex, shd point out that when bunglie says karices she means you.

Soooo Sorry, Yes I had a conversation with a 'Karices' and that must have been in my mind, I have been so 'mentally exhausted' I spent yesterday sleeping', but now I am 'back', I have done the letter, I have not posted it yet as I want to re-read it and check that I have not made any silly mistakes but that Is one thing off my mind now.

I seem to have become a bit of a 'person to contact' with reagard to MSbP and things like that and I don't have any problem helping others in the way that you have helped me, but I now realise how some of you must have wanted to grab me and 'bang my head against a wall' to knock some sense into me.....feel free to do so when I go periodically 'off the rails' ,
If it is any consulation, I encourage ALL who contact me to post here and tell them they will not get just my opinion, but some sensible , practical advice....just what I need from time to time and it seems that there are several people who follow this board and who are too afraid, for their own personal reasons to post. I am telling you this so that you know that your words are not just reaching me, but you are REALLY helping many others.
THANK YOU

Sofia, someone mentioned this to me before, but I thought, 'NO', there is no way anyone could have written a story like this as it seems like total fiction. I have not ever seen 'Waking the dead' I shall though keep my eyes open, (and ears) to see it when repeated.
Is it a 'good' portrayal, or is it a bit 'wishy-washy', what I mean is will the scenario, in your opinion stick in peoples minds?

Mummy2seven, Just so you know my Teddy bear has had an invite to an Anne Summers Party, so be warned, I am keeping her in, and she will be wearing sensible knicks from now on, like any self respecting bear!

so a self-respecting teddy bear wears bridget jones knickers?

Hi Bunglie, have you sent the letter to your ds yet?
to you and to all the lost mothers

Update will be coming shortly.....

Cheeseball telephoned me last night in tears (writing this with her permission). It seems that her dp has had enough and told her she has 4 weeks to 'get out' because he can't take the winging and his dm thinks she is mentally unbalanced!
I listened, I cried with her and gave her the telephone number of Women's Aid. She is obviously reluctant to go to a refuge and thinks it would be full of screaming kids. Something she really can not cope with as it brings back the memories.
We spoke about going to the 'homeless persons unit' at her local council, but as she does not fit the criteria of being someone 'at risk' they have no obligation to help her, she said.
I had no more suggestions apart from to ask you lovely lot, she agreed to let me post this.
I promised her that I would call her tonight to see how she is, when dp is out at the pub!
We have always told her that she does not need to put up with the way that he treats her, and TBH, I think she is glad he has told her to go but is very worried that she is going to end up on the street.
I would invite her to stay with me, but that is only a short-term solution and again I do not think that it would be right or very practical.
At the present time both she and dp are on income support and he claims for her as a 'common law wife', he also claims DLA, yes, that's what I said DLA (IMO outragous), as he has an undiagnosed back injury, that does not stop him from playing football. She has not worked for nearly 10 years as he thinks she should be at home to wait on him hand and foot. I am sorry but this makes me angry. He has taken away all of her self respect and she doubts her own ability in all matters. She promised me that if she could get out today that she would go to the CAB and talk to someone there, but I don't know what to say to her when I phone.
Your help is needed here girls and I know that you will have so much more than I have to offer, please this is our own dear Cheeseball, and she really does need help and advice.

I just want to'bump' this as I really DO NEED ADVICE for Cheeseball, can you think of ANYTHING?

bunglie - got no experience/knowledge of this but maybe some other mnetters would know what sort of priority she would be if she went to the council and said she was homeless - would she end up in b & b for a few weeks and then get a flat, or would it be much more difficult than that if she has no dependents living with her? in terms of getting back on her feet workwise, could she get help via one of the New Deal schemes, or do some sort of voluntary work as a starting point?

has she rung womens aid? can they not find any emergency housing for her? I think CAB is a good idea, sorry i cannot be more help

Message withdrawn

bump

Even if Women's Aid does not seem to be the answer - and I can see why a hostel with children around might not be the best option for Cheeseball - it is probably worth talking to them anyway. IME charities do often work together/know what each other are doing, so they may be able to offer advice about who else to talk to, if nothing else. Talking to them couldn't hurt, even if it ultimately didn't help either.

Could also try Shelter : 0845 485 4590

Don't know Cheeseball's exact home situation - so not sure if this is of any help?

I also seem to recall that the Samaritans have access to refuge information.

bump

OOOOH! I feel so ANGRY ,
Not at you lot, as usual you have come through like the proverbial 'troopers' that you are. What is wrong with our society?
First of all I telephoned the local CAB, they would not talk to me, because I was not in 'the situation' I wanted advice about. Cheeseball had to telephone herself.
Next I telephoned Womes Aid. Ooh! now this is a goody, It seems that womens aid will only offer you accomodation if you make a police report. No report, no accomodation! I asked why? It seems that some families use this system of 'queue jumping' housing lists, to get a bigger or better council house out of the area they are living in, and then move dh back in. People really are unscrupulous. They only have one refuge in the area where Cheeseball lives and that only has ONE space for a woman with no children and it isn't vacant at the moment. How about another area I asked? Well that would not work as the referal has to come from the police and they try to keep you in adjacent areas, so children can continue to attend school but not in 'your' area as that would be dangerous.They then realised that I was not Cheeseball and said that they had to terminate the conversation, they suggested Cheeseball phoned them but due to the fact that she has no children and she will not file an 'abuse report' with the police, they doubted that they could help. But, what makes me REALLY angry is that they asked me why I (thinking still that I was Cheeseball) thought my dp was abusing me. I gave a brief outline without going into any details at all but the mention of MSbP, meant that they could not risk placing her (me) in a refuge with children. It was then that I came 'clean' and explained that I was phoning on behalf of another person who could not phone. They did not accept this and said she could walk into any police station or use a phonebox.
Next I telephoned the council in a neighbouring borough to where she lives. Admitted straight off that this was a friend, (giving no names,) and explained again without too much detail the situation, but left out the MSbP allegation and said that she had very low self esteem and did not feel able to go to the SS or the police. Apparently a SS or Dr's report saying she was a 'vulnerable person' would have helped, but it would be doubtful that they could offer housing as it goes mainly to 'One parent families'. If she had a child she would get re-housed after a few weeks in a B&B whilst they investigated her case! They offered to send me a list of homeless persons shelters, but stressed that there is a waiting list
How can I tell Cheeseball that if she had her children she would get re-housed, or a psychiatric disorder and she would be a 'vulnerable person' (so long as it was not MSbP)?
Finally I telephoned 'Shelter' (thank you LunarSea). They were very sympathetic, not sure if they could help but gave me the telephone number of the one nearest to Cheeseball. They need to speak to her in person but they did at least sound optimistic, and said this was the "clasical scenario of someone slipping through the housing net".
Thank you again at least I do have something positive to tell her tonight and I really hope that they can help.
If you have ANYMORE suggestions PLEASE post them as I just find it unacceptable that a woman in an abusive relationship can be 'thrown out' by her partner and no one will help her (except shelter) because she does not have her children.
I am hoping that she may now have the incentive to contact 'snail', but what a sad society we live in.

Bunglie

I am horrified that it seems to be essential to file a police report to get into a refuge - domestic violence can be primarily verbal/controlling behaviour rather than out and out physical violence - surely it is better for a woman to get out of a dangerous environment before she is subject to a physical assault than after . Could Cheeseball get any assistance from her GP to bump her up the council list on the basis of depression rather than MSBP? alternatively would the council at least accommodate her in a b & b - this would not be ideal but may give her some "breathing space" till she can find more suitable accomodation?

Have been googling and the following may have some helpful info:-

www.helpisathand.gov.uk/info/links/reference/house-and-home/housing-advice/

www.crisis.org.uk/research/fact_files/women.php

i would be happy to give you a hand at looking for local organisations for cheeseball, if you think she wouldn't mind - i don't have any expertise, but a reasonable amount of spare time at my disposal. if you want to take me up on this, my msn is [email protected], but of course i understand if you feel it would be inappropriate.

best of luck to Cheeseball

I have just spoken to Cheeseball and told her to 'hang in there and that the MNers are coming up with some good advice. I did not want to dash her hopes just yet as I am CERTAIN that there must be someone out there who can help her. I assured her that she would not end up on the street. I do so hope that I am right.
Mummy2seven, all help gratefully accepted, thank you. Cheeseball has made an appointment with her GP, who she says is not very understanding and thinks she has MSbP, but she is going to tell him about the abuse and try and get a letter with regards that and to say that she is depressed. (Thanks M27). I just hope that when she gets there she has the courage, and that is what it will take for her, to speak to him, open and frankly.
She does not think she will be able to telephone me again until the weekend, so we have a bit of time. (I call her back so it doesn't show up on the telephone bill, that's how scared she is).
As I said any help would be very much appreciated as I am worried that I have said things to her, like she will not end up on the streets, and can not in the end help her.
Poor Cheeseball is still thinking of you lot and says a big thank you for helping to look for ideas for her.
I would also like to thank you again because If having your child removed puts you in an abusive relationship, that you can't get help with partly because of the label MSbP, then I am disgusted with our social state of society.

Bunglie - I think that MSBP is quite similar to BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) in that it appears to be more of a punitive label applied by professionals than anything else - whilst OCD/Depression etc are not exactly a walk in the park, at least you feel that the psychiatric personnel have a degree of sympathy towards you. If you CAT me and let me know what area Cheeseball is in, I am happy to google/make phone calls

Thanks M27,
I amafraidI would love to tell you what area Cheeseball is in,but I really feel that I needher permission. I will ask her when she phonesat the weekend. Thanks again.