Dear all,
Many thanks for all of your ideas as to what I should write to my son. I have had a sleepless night and as a result I am not certain that I am thinking that clearly! I thought, if you don't mind I would write here what I have been thinking of writing and you could (if you want) correct my mistakes and tell me how it sounds. I am very conscious of not doing anything that will cause him hurt or confusion. I know he is attached in some way to his adoptive father but it must be so awful for him to find out that the circustances of his adoption were based on a lie. I know that if I were him I think I would believe that lie as it must therefore justify to him why he was taken away from home. He was only 3 and a half when he left me, I then saw him twice a week for three hours (under strict supervision of a social worker in a childrens home or the social services office), I would take toys with me but I was not allowed to take any food or drink for him (or his sister who is 18 months younger). When they were released for adoption my access changed overnight to 3 or 4 times a year. I have NEVER missed an access, I have never missed their birthdays or Christmas, until this year when their presents are here but I have not been able to give them to them.
Right from the start the children were taught how to lie. I do not agree with lying to children but they were not allowed to tell me their new names or where they lived, and were 'primed' on what they were allowed to tell me. I found out by accident their name and their address. I imedietly told the adoptive parents that I knew and I would do nothing that could cause harm or confusion to the children. In the hope I suppose that the children would be able to be more open with me. I even knew what school they went to. What I do not understand is when I told the adoptive parents this and gave them my assurance that I would not go anywhere near their home. They asked me not to tell the children that I knew, so we had to continue to keep up this pretence. It was not until last week that I broke this rule and telephoned them at home, I firstly apologised for phoning but I could not put it in a letter, and secondly I made certain that neither of the children were there. I then told them that Prof. Meadows was involved in my case. The 'Father' was very understanding, but said that he was going back to the adoption agency for advice and would then contact me again shortly. The 'Mother',well she was angry with me (the phone was on a speaker system), and very cross that I had telephoned, and then said that this should be discussed next time I see the children, which she said would be half-term if possible. I explained that I do not want to discuss this in front of the children during my access, I feel that it is something that we as adults should be able to sort out and if only I knew what they had told the children I could protect them from further harm. Does this make sense to anyone? I am telling you this so that you have a bit of background as to the current situation. As yet the adoptive parents have not contacted me back, so should I wait before I send this letter in the hope that they do?
well here is letter, (sorry about the spelling in advance!) Oh - I will write it by hand!
Dear **,
I thought I would write to you again as I have not seen you since your 18th birthday, I realise that you have probably been very busy. I hope that you are well and that you did not catch this 'flu bug'. Luckily I have stayed well and avoided it.
Now that you are 18 I am aware that you received a letter from the social worker who was involved in your adoption. I do not know what it said or what you have been told over the past few years as to why you were placed for adoption.
I just want you to know the truth. It is quite complicated to explain in a letter but I have all of the documents that you are very welcome to read. I would rather not send them to you but I will pay your train fare to come down here or meet anywhere that you want so that we can talk. The last thing I want is to cause you anymore hurt or confusion in your life, you have had too much of that already and I have felt helpless to be of any use to you.
I do not know if you have been aware of all of the news that surrounds a man called Professor Sir Roy Meadows. He was the expert witness that the social services used against me back when you were released for adoption, it was on his recommendation. Recently his theory about munchausen-syndrome-by-proxy has been discredited and many cases are being reviewed and in some very sad and extreme cases mothers who were accused of murdering their children, based on his evidence are being released from prison.
I can only tell you how it has affected me and that I have ALWAYS loved you, fought very hard to keep you and I did nothing to harm you or (his sister). I am pleased that this man has finally been stopped from breaking up families, but in our case it was too late. I am not certain what you know as I have already said but I was actually taken to court having been charged with a criminal offence that accused me of harming (his sister). The jury were ordered by the judge to find me innocent as the prosecution could not provide the evidence required to show that I had committed any crime, and the case was thrown out as their was 'no case to answer'.
I only tell you this so that you know that I was found innocent of any crime against you but by then you had already been in foster care for 2 years and the social services consulted this Professor Sir Roy Meadows. He never saw me, interviewed me or any of my doctors and said that the illness I have now I had self-induced. As you now know this is not the case and if you remember about five years ago you and your sister had to have a blood test to see if you had inherited it. I am so very happy that neither of you did.
With regard to you. Please remember that I always loved you and I love you just as much today as I did back then. I understand that this must be very confusing for you but I am here. You can telephone me on and I shall phone you straight back if you just want to talk. If you want to visit I will send you the money for you ticket. There is no pressure but I have saved everything for you and ** so that you can read it yourself and deduce the truth.
Finally I am grateful to and (the adoptive parents) for giving you a home and this must be very difficult for them to cope with, perhaps you might find it easier to talk to (the adoptive father) about this.
I really do not know what to say except never forget that I love you and although you do not call me mum you are and always will be my son.
With much love
XXX
P.S. I am enclosing an old photograph for you of us all together, I hope you like it?