Ok, Got my knickers on straight today, must admit they are more comfortable around this way!!
Right I can't wait to tell you the GOOD NEWS, but you will have to wait ....
I shall start at the beginning or I will forget something - oh Twinkie, I can't get LBC here what did they say??
O.K. I called After Adoption action line (the other number was for adoptees under the age of 26). I spoke to a really nice guy called Jarrard (sp?) and he told me that they had expected 'hundreds of calls that referred to Meadows and to the best of his knowledge I was the First. As an organization they do not themselves offer anything but advice on who to contact in your area. He was aware of the 'gagging order' and assured me that my details were kept confidential. He told me that had I not asked him about it he would have sugested a liason worker who could provide support for me and my son. With regard to my dd I can do nothing without the consent of the ap's and so I have to bide my time. He asked who the adoption agency was and I told him and it turns out that they do not have a very good reputation in the world of adoption. He was surprised at the age of the ap's and could not work out how thay had been allowed to adopt seeing as they are now in their 50's. That had never crossed my mind before. He said the most important thing I can and must do is 'keep the door open' so that my ds feels able to contact me. He assured me that everything that I had done up until this point has been correct and it is very sad and in his opinion unusual for ap's not to respond to the letter I sent them. (I read it to him on the phone and he said that it should have reassured them and made it clear that I did not want to do anything to harm the childrens relationship with them but that I only wanted them to know the truth about the circustances of their adoption.) He had NEVER heard of 'A Letter for Life' which the adoption agency had told me was common practice. He said that my ds had probably not taken in fully the contents of that letter as that in itself must have been a shock to his system. We talked at length about the affect that this 'new' knowledge could have on him and he said that it would probably help him in clearing the picture a bit, especially if it has been a taboo subject in his ap's home which he suspects, otherwise why are the ap's not receptive to my letter.
He gave me the name of two agencies which should both be able to provide the kind of support that I would like available for my ds, should he need it. One was based near where I live and is called CLAIR (Channel Link on Adoption Identity Reunion and Experience) and the other cover the whole of the south east and west of England and are based in London and are simply called the Post Adoption Centre. Finally he gage me the telephone number of BAFA (British agency of Fostering and Adoption), who will help with the legal side of things however their helpline is only open mon-fri 10am-1pm and I had missed it.
Firstly I do realise that from the details I have given you you will be able to place what part of the British Isles I am in! But it makes little odds now.
Ahg! This is turning into a 'monster' of a posting - I am sorry, go and get yourselves a cup of tea!
Next I spoke to someone at BAFA, they are calling me back with some info. They were very helpful and said that I MUST contact the ss resposible for taking my children and read to me Margaret Hodge's directive. It seems that they have and obligation not only to me but also to my children to provide (and pay) for after care and counselling. I was told that they are the ones who must under the circumstances stop the ap's from giving my dd the letter she is due to receive on her 18th birthday.
The thing they said to me that I found really interesting is that ten years ago in an msbp case it was VERY unusual for the birth parents to get an 'open' adoption and that the judge for whatever reason must have had some reservation as to his judgment. In fact they were quite 'staggerred' that I had been permitted this 'open' adoption and that as medicine has moved on it is important that I make my medical diagnosis, which at the time was rejected, known to them. So, I now have to work out how and what I am to write to the social services dept. Any help in this area would very much be appreciated. What the hell am I suposed to write without it sounding like a 'threat'. Help needed!
Yesterday I received a telephone call from my step-monster - 1st in 10 years, it seems that the ap's must have given her my number (as I had moved and not told her) and secondly she seemed to be aware that I was considering telling my ds the truth. She pleaded with me not to, she said he is too young to understand. If I went ahead I would destroy the relationships that he has built up in the last 10 years (I think she was talking about her relationship with him, because she must be worried that I will tell him that it was her who spoke and lied to Meadows) I have no interest in telling him who was to blame for what, apportioning blame is not constructive in my eyes and IF he has a good relationship with her then I do not want to destroy that I only want to get to know him, love him and tell him the truth. She did not apologise for saying some of the things that she did to Meadows but asked me to understand that she was being told things by the ss and the hospital and she did at the time what she thought was best for the children. I really do think that she is frightened but she was also very angry with me. She made me feel as if I was putting myself first without any consideration for the feelings of my ds or dd. I did not want her to poison my ds's mind against me now, so I told her that I was going to tell him when I had got to know him as a person and was going to do nothing for several months in anycase.
Now maybe I am jumping the gun here but do you think that the ap's silence and lack of cooperation could in anyway be linked to her. She is obviously desperate that the truth does not come out and the children were placed within 10 miles of her home and 200 miles away from me, and I know that although they never discuss her with me that they do have regular contact.
I feel in a way it was good that she phoned because if she is going to do anything to try and prevent me from saying anythings to my ds she will do it now and if you like get it out of the way. I think that I was very 'good' on the phone, I was obviously upset, but did not let her know, (I hope) and I stuck to my guns being that if he is old enough to hear the ss version in a letter then he is old enough for my version.
Much as I would love to tell him who it was who spoke to Meadows I do not think that it would be in his best interests to know. I think that he is going to have enough to think about without her as an added complication.
I am waiting on phone calls at the moment, will keep you updated.
NOW YOU CAN HOLD ON TO YOUR KNICKERS, THONGS OR JUST ANYTHING...................
My Son sent me a text message yesterday evening. I am the happiest person alive at the moment I keep reading it and can not believe it yet, however it is a positive start.
In my letter to him I sugested that perhaps he would like to come down and we could do something together, like we could go out on a boat (especially adapted for wheelchairs) for a day fishing or something like that. It was just a way of saying please come and see me so I can get to know you. the text I got back says,
"Yeah I would love to, though my fishing skills are a little rusty! Thanks for the pressies, hope you are well, (his name)"
This is more than I could ever have wished for. I can not arrange it until the weather is warmer and as I am going away in April it looks like it will not happen until the end of April at the earlieast, but do you think I am wrong to write back quickly and send the photo I forgot, thank him for his text and tell him I will arrange it and his fare down here if he tells me when, or do you think I should tell him when, giving him let's say the option of a couple of dates, Oh I don't know, BUT HE ANSWERED MY LETTER. Not by another letter but a text message is just as good isn't it?
I will stop now before mumsnet bans me for using up too much space.
Finally ANY thoughts on how what to write to ss dept will be greatly appreciated.
Love to you all a very happy Bunglie