From the Wall Street Journal: WHY CHINESE MOTHERS ARE SUPERIOR

[Medea]

I kept rereading it for irony, but there was none.

Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior

ISN'T - I think she means that being in the school play just wastes time that should be spent on learning!

Ha ha, I read that article and found myself laughing.

Why laugh? Because much of it is true. I say that as I was born in Hong Kong but raised in the UK. So I know only too well what the author meant and the expectations thrust upon us.

My upbringing was not so harsh as to never be allowed to sleepover or be in a school play. Most of my chinese friends had similar upbringings. I think the author is perhaps a bit too extreme, even by our standards.

The expectation of academic excellence is certainly true. If I got a A-, my parents would ask why I didn't get an A. If I got less than a C then that was ass whooping time! This was not your sit on the naughty step variety. No! Ask any chinese person how they got punished? I bet there was a bamboo cane with feathers attached involved. Officially it was a feather duster, in practice probably more a taser!

University education was expected from birth. The only acceptable excuse for not going was being dead. Oh and I had a tutor from the age of 14 despite my procrastinations that I didn't need one.

Praise? I can't recall my parents praising my efforts once. Not until I was older. They like many chinese parents always believed that if you get soft, they get lazy. My mum told me when I had children that you had to love them inside but not tell them.

So do I think my parents were cruel? No. There are areas where I think they were wrong, totally wrong. And these are areas I have ensured I changed for my kids. For example, I will hug my kids and will tell them I love them regularly.

But I have taken their passion for education and I expect my kids to get top marks too. Not perhaps at all costs but certainly the top sets in every subject. I do expect them to go to University and like my parents will do what it takes to ensure they get that opportunity.

My ex (not the kids mum) used to argue with me that I was being harsh & unrealistic with my expectations. I don't see why? To my kids going to uni is as natural as going to school. It's just something we've always talked about and not going isn't something ever considered. By the time my DD is 18 I realise she cannot be forced. But she's 15 this year and so far she's raring to go.

I will praise them when they do something good but I do not flinch from shoving a rocket up their arse if they are bad. I'll also give them a wallop if absolutely necessary. To be fair, I can't remember the last time I've had to do it.

I know and fully expect one day my kids will probably think I've been too strict on them. But trust me, their upbringing is positively laid back compared to mine. But they can judge me and criticise me once they've qualified as a doctor, solicitor or an accountant!

She certainly sounds superior!

What is the Chinese attitude towards their kids with SN? Or do Chinese people never have kids with SN?

Sorry, unfair question in that I shouldn't imply that there's only one kind of "Chinese" to have a single unified "Chinese" attitude towards SN. Then again, that's partly what's wrong with the article in the first place.

So it's French women for eating, Chinese women for mothering.. What are English mothers good at?

To answer your question ragged, obviously that's totally different.

We of course do have kids with special needs. We're still human beings! lol My brother is severely autistic and I have a cousin who is a paraplegic. Obviously we don't expect them to go to university.

Why shouldn't autistic and paraplegic people be expected to go to University? Many do, you know.

Chinese women in China are forced to terminate children with SN, so a Chinese person told me...she is 34.

My DCs are not A students, I accept them as they are and they have lots of other talents. I can't see the point in having DCs and forcing them to be something they are not.

Would some British mothers have written the same about British parenting 100 years ago or so?

Probably.

Heads down for an absolutely devastating war coming our way then.

One could suppose that paraplegic/autistic person not expected to go to Uni, not because they lack the mental ability, but because the "Chinese" cultural attitude is that it isn't worth it (for the parents) to bothering investing in their future like that. Seeing how much is invested in one's children's future, typically.

The disabled offspring's personal fullfillment doesn't matter, trying your best isn't a good enough outcome, children are not there to be encouraged -- only expected of. There isn't an alternative to being hard on them and having high expectations of them.

Tell me that I'm wrong, Niceguy?

Do children who are less than brilliant get shunned then? Not every single child in China can be brilliant, surely. And presumably, when she says 'The Chinese mother' what she means is 'the middle class Chinese mother who can afford violin and piano lessons'.

How nice that her family have escaped the violent and oppressive regime that she celebrates

i saw a programme about a child that was taken from a chinese village to a school - it was so heartbreaking but the child would have had no education at all in his little village. they went home every holiday :(

so definitely an upper/middle class perspective!

\link{\it's on youtube} very interesting

Have to say I laughed at this. It just screamed stereotype to me. As the product of a mixed parentage (Japanese and African) I should have had twice the pressure etc put on me. Both my parents expected all us kids to do our best, if that meant an A then great, if we had done our absolute best (and as a parent I know when my kids have tried) and got a C then that was ok too. It just meant that we had to spend time trying to bring our grades up.

I remember sitting with my dad before a math exam and not understanding geometry at all (still don't really get it. He had left the house at 6am, got home at 10pm and sat up tutoring me until 2am. He then left for work at 6am. Now that I have my own, I understand what a sacrifice that was and still feel ashamed that despite all his help I failed the exam because I didn't try. I understood it better, I just didn't put the effort in. My mum (African) was utterly disgusted with me and I can assure you she was very clear about her disappointment. As a family, there is a great emphasis on being the best we can whereas DH's family is more erm laid back . DSD1 and DSD2 hated me in the begining because homework etc had to be done before any fun could be had but are now glad that I was an evil stepmum firm about it as it has instilled some sense of responsibility. DS(13) and DD(4) get a good balance where I'm the go to for school stuff and DH gets to be the fun one. To most it doesn't seem fair but it works for us

I think that you need to encourage, but you ought to know when it becomes abuse. If a DC doesn't want to play the piano you should accept it. The mother in the article has DDs too young to know how they are going to turn out but I expect we could google lots of examples of DCs who were pushed and snapped, not many can take it and the extreme ones kill themselves.

Accepting failure, making mistakes and learning from it is very important. A DC may waste their time, many do but it is never too late, they can always start again at a later age.

I think her approach is very harsh - i do not understand the idea that you have to learn piano and violin and can do well in all subjects except drama and gym - surely you should encourage whatever talent your children have in whatever instrument/subject.

I read somewhere that the Chinese tend to put more pressure on their children because of the 'one child' policy - as in their child is the one shot the family has to succeed and I suppose that work ethic immigrates with them (not that I agree with it).

I think that response by another 'chinese mom' was spot on - its all about balance.

I have to say that overall her views annoyed me so much I had to write something in my blog!

chaiforthesoul.blogspot.com/

I just think that yes a lot of chinese parents are strict and favour academic success but she is quite something else! She is a typical pushy parent who has chosen to take 'chinese' parenting to an extreme, even my mum who was all for academic success would be horrified if I implemented a parenting regime like the one she recommends. And her views are very old fashioned belonging to a generation of immigrants who had to work and push their children so they would succeed in a country where they had to be 'better' in order to compete on a level footing. If her views were accurate then how can she explain chinese success in the sporting arena or in the arts or literature or the existence of kung fu? If the chinese culture was simply about academic success, how boring would it be! She is simply cashing in and her 'method' is no more valid then any other parenting style put forward by other 'gurus'!

I do agree that this woman was at the more extreme scale.

However, compared to western standards, all chinese, no all asian families are obsessive about education.

Ragged, in my families case, it's nothing to do with the fact my brother is autistic. If he was able then he'd have been pushed too. But without going into too much details, this simply isn't possible.

But consider this and tell me if this is better or not? You grow up in a family where you are expected to succeed. To excel. Where you are told that if you study hard then you will be a doctor, lawyer, accountant.

And that doesn't matter if you are working class, middle class or filthy loaded. Bear in mind my family has come from nothing. My gran cleaned toilet airports for a living! My grandad had a street stall fixing watches. Yet at least half of the kids went to uni. Unfortunately the younger half as quite simply they couldn't afford to pay when my mum was young (yes you have to pay full whack). In fact she had to leave school at 14 since my family needed her to work to earn money.

Lamorna. It's not about forcing. It's about expecting your kids to do well and pushing them every step of the way. The author is an extreme case and you will find those cases in every culture.

Scrappydo, I guess the one child policy does put an extra burden on the poor child but even in Hong Kong which doesn't have such a policy, the same education fevour exists. Ditto in Japan, South Korea etc. etc.

The Gothamist, a NYC website, sums up the comments the WSJ received about the article:

Gothamist

One of the commenters (at the bottom of the Gothamist piece) insists this excerpt is satire of the 'A Modest Proposal' variety, which is what I thought at first. But I don't think it is. If it is, Amy Chua is pretty tone deaf to irony despite her fancy education.

But I've just read a portion of the 70+ pages of comments on the WSJ website and lots of people THOUGHT this was a spoof until they got to the second half of the piece and realized (unfortunately) it was for real.