Hoarders Anonymous. Thread #9. We Are Keeping On Keeping On. Fighting The Cluttered Fight.

[Solo]

We are a group of likeminded householders who are leading somewhat challenging lives; be that living with too much 'stuff' that we find difficult to deal with, houses that are falling apart (mine is), health issues within the family unit, wider family, or ourselves (me too) that means sorting out our households is challenging to say the least. So...
You are all welcome to join us for support, adding your ideas to help others out, storage ideas, and even tips on actually getting those items out of the house which sounds so simple when you say it, but this part can be a huge challenge; we are often attached emotionally to our 'things', afraid of letting things go just in case we need them, or it belonged to mum or gran. This is tough stuff to deal with.
Encouragement and support abound here in our band of clutterbugs. We never ever criticise anyone! We even try not to criticise ourselves as it's not helpful to anyone, but this can be very difficult to achieve.
We hold one another's hands, dab away tears, and snot virtually.
If you are feeling overwhelmed by clutter, mess, disorganisation and generally don't know where to start. If you can't be bothered, but really do want to be bothered. If you think you are a bit lazy, or if you just need to see your highs and lows and everything in between on the screen here, join us, and we will support you. We'll virtually high-five your achievements - small or large, and virtually hug you when the need arises. If you want a hug, just ask because we are here for you, we're here for one another because we get it. The art of washing up is sometimes our great achievement of the day, but it's still an achievement. Every small step is an achievement.
My own journey is very long, I've tried to get it done, bug it's a work in progress. Single working mum (children now both over 18, but youngest has many physical issues as well as ADHD and ASD). I have chronic illness, and am in my 62nd year on the planet, so I need to deal with it. The point is. You aren't alone if you are also suffering.

Some helpful links which I hope are still valid. They aren't for everyone, but have a look if you fancy:
• Help For Hoarders by Jasmine Harman (the author/producer of the BBC1 documentaries My Hoarder Mum and Me and Britain's Biggest Hoarders)
• The FlyLady Cleaning Method by Marla Cilley
• The Organised Mum Method by Gemma Bray
• The KonMari Method by Marie Kondo
• A Slob Comes Clean by Dana K. White
• The Getting Things Done Method by David Allen

I'm not sure if The Flylady link is working, but if not, you know what to search for.
Welcome to thread #8 of Hoarders Anonymous. Thread #8. We Are Keeping On Keeping On. Fighting The Cluttered Fight (and winning, one small step at a time).

Decluttering Expert: Dana K White of A Slob Comes Clean
Learn more about decluttering expert Dana K. White and her cleaning and organizing blog: A Slob Comes Clean. Author, podcaster, blogger and YouTuber.
https://www.aslobcomesclean.com/about-me/

Hello I can relate to this. Have had cbt therapy a few years ago which helped a bit but my house is so full I don’t invite people round as I’m quite embarrassed by stuff everywhere. A few years ago I got a big skip and empties my garage but it was traumatic and was having flashbacks and panic attacks for a couple of years afterwards about the things I threw away. I feel bad for my kids as their rooms are so full I know I need to be ruthless and get rid of the toys they’ve outgrown but I find it so mentally draining. Thanks for starting this thread and for the different links, and hope I can support you in some way too x

Welcome @Sarkykitty I'm sure I'd have the same reaction. So many people tell me to get a skip and throw it all out. I can't. I also don't have visitors, and haven't for around 12 years. Thd last was my mum and I had to tidy and hide stuff reallyquickly. She had to stay over.
I am just trying to remember how to make a link to thread 9 from thread 8. It's been a while!

I’ve found the other thread thank you :) I’ll have a read.
The garage clear out happened as we had moved house and a lot of my clutter was stored in the garage but then we discovered mice in there and I was pregnant so most of it had to go.
Do you know why you hoard things? I can identify a few traumatic events in childhood which I suspect have caused my hoarding to be worse although my mum was just as bad as me and when she passed away 2 years ago I had to go through all of her belongings which was very difficult. My children keep asking to have friends over so I want to do it for them as the thought gives me anxiety X

Hi @Sarkykitty there's a lot of debate about causes. Generally it comes down to trauma and genetics. For some it's both. Loss is often a big one, one of the reasons apparently why subsequent loss of possessions causes things like flashbacks and panic attacks - the theory is the brain has linked the events and we're responding to the first one through the second. But that's a very simplified explanation.
I'm still haunted, especially in nightmares by things disposed of decades ago. It's very tiring.

Not suggesting this is an answer, because we all know the answer is to not have more stuff than there is easy space for, but I used to have floor to ceiling shelving and sliding doors as a compromise. It allowed my children a normal looking home and space to grow up in and have friends to, and it is something they need, however gained.

@Solo thanks for the new thread, it sounds like you had a productive week tackling things.
Please don't feel shame, it generally exists to hold us back and keeps us trapped.
I do large amounts because I have created/allowed a larger problem to develop. As you can see doing lots often increases the likelihood of one step forward, two steps back issues.

Papers where in the right place, which was a relief and got insurance claim in and made it back to work, both just before cut offs, but didn't manage to get new locks.
Today's half a day running around having to buy stuff for work (on a tiny budget) and then in in person for afternoon and evening, and tomorrow. Going to be a over busy weekend.

Have cleared out main fridge from having to leave suddenly, two carrier bags of food waste down to recycling. 😠Then discovered contractors left half eaten food and rotting fruit in one room, by following the cloud of fruit flies. 😡Found their half drunk cider cans the same way this morning. 😠Hoping that's all of it.

Have doors and windows open trying to encourage large numbers of tiny flies to choose freedom, but about to have to go to work.

Very productive week there Solo your kitchen must be looking so much better now. Thanks for the new thread too.

Glad you found the insurance stuff Elleherd.

Hope you can find a way to make some progress Sarkykitty.

Pleased to say my new habits seem to be well established now and are making a difference. Going to keep plodding along decluttering what I can here and there whilst maintaining my new habits for now.

Then in the new year I'm going to start the second declutter course which is the big one and might take me a few months to work through. Next I'll finish off with the first declutter course I bought which is much smaller and I think might be the best one for getting a room finished, decorated etc. After that I plan to take the rest of 2026 off active decluttering and just focus on maintaining what I've already achieved.

Eventually I'd like to reach a point where I can have a one in one out situation going on and in general much less coming in, but I don't know if that a realistic target for 2026. I'm thinking it might take me a few years longer to get to that point because that's needing more of a minimalist lifestyle mindset to maintain it and I'm a long way off that. I figure for the moment I mainly just need to get really good at decluttering. I'm vaguely working on the rest of the issues, but trying to create too many new habits at once isn't feasible. I can focus on fixing the causes of the clutter at a later date.

I know I'm getting ahead of myself and it's a bit early for New Year's Resolutions, but putting it at the start of the thread seemed to make the most sense.

@Sarkykitty I think for me it's a few things, but my main thing is loss and deprivation. My first husband didn't allow me to have anything. If I asked for something for my birthday or Christmas, most of the time I had to go and purchase it myself and take the money from the bank, so I didn't feel like it was a gift, and I didn't dare get rid of something in case I didn't have it or something else again. I once picked up a 99p fabric pomander to look at and that was what he independently gave me for my birthday. I spilt from him in 1990. I probably still have it somewhere. If I found it, I'd probably have an internal fight over whether to throw it out or not. And he was a nasty man. I shouldn't want to keep anything connected to him.
The other part was losing my Dad. I had some counselling a decade ago, and she came to the conclusion that I had abandonment issues. So.much emotional hurt too from my relationships...so. up went the draw bridge. Nobody in. My Dcs are 27 and nearly 19 and neither have ever had a friend over.

I think a lot of us that have been and are on these threads have health issues, and many are on the autism spectrum/adhd too. It is a reason. Not an excuse. A real reason.

@Elleherd glad you found the paperwork in time. I am though, quite disgusted that the contractors are eating in your home, and worse is them drinking alcohol on the job! So so wrong.

@BlueSummerBaby you really do sound as though you are getting there. Brilliant job!!
My kitchen is a bit better, but i would say at 20% only. It is good to use a worktop though.

Today, I've done nothing but a wash load. That's because I have felt very tired, and had a 2 hour sleep sitting on my sofa because my eyes just closed...

@Solo so much is so wrong with everything going on here, but little I can safely do about it currently.
All improvements are improvements, actively enjoy the worktop. It might sound odd, but taking note of enjoying it being usable is part of the process of retraining ourselves, and may help make it easier to not allow it to become re-cluttered, or at least allow it to be dealt with more easily if it does.🙂
We aren't supposed to want anything connected to people who have been cruel to us, but sometime those things also represent what little joy existed, even if it was surrounded by misery, sometimes they represent something we need to work through and put to bed, which is why we still have it.
For me they are often effectively 'horcruxes' in that part of me has effectively transferred into them, and I have to sort that out, before disposing, or face long term complications.

I'm just working silly amounts on this contract trying to keep it all together, but not enough sleep and body is objecting. Main achievement's been scrubbing out the bath where something was clearly poured into it and left for a couple of days. If the contractors aren't stood over, some of them are really disrespectful, but I think it's because they don't see a home, they see a building site, and are used to someone else making good when they're done.

@BlueSummerBaby Great that your new habits are making a difference, and 'plodding along de-cluttering' is still de-cluttering. Keep going, look forward to hearing how courses go.

@Elleherd just catching up on things and wishing you strength. I recommend the sticky tape rolls for fruit flies if they are lingering - I had to use them in hoarding parent’s house and hung these which worked.

Welcome @Sarkykitty. I think it’s a heady combination of growing up with little, grief at losing a parent in my teens, the surviving parent’s hoarding (and grand-parent’s hoarding - really trying to be the generation to break a vicious cycle!). I do think we probably have ADHD too but maybe it’s all a trauma response.

@Solo I should have read updates on Friday to motivate me today but also napping on the sofa today as exhausted from work and taking hoarding parent on an outing.

With respect to you all, may I ask what you think of - or how you feel about - really tidy, streamlined, organised ‘perfect’ homes?
Do you find them empty and soulless/ un-homely?
Or does this sort of space make your feel calm?
I hope this is not disrespectful to enquire - I’m just interested. I am not a hoarder but I know someone who is.

I'd like to join please.

Trying to get my house in order. I have items that were passed to men when various relatives died and I'm trying to declutter. (NB Much of the clutter is my own, but I feel guilty about putting out stuff that was given to me by others.)

Have been putting out clothes the past week or so - some bags to a charity shop and one dress - badly faded down one side, for some reason - has gone in the bin.

I sent most family memorabilia to my husband's kids when he died, but I've come across a few items which they should have, so I'm packing them up - for example, a postcard that was sent to my DH's GGM by a relative who was killed in action. (I already sent them the medals.)

Hello ,may I join
I've only just seen this thread
I had 4 DC ..every single item from their childhood is in the loft ,the spare bedroom and on the landing..there are numerous prams , buggies,3 cots ,so many different car seats ,every single toy they ever had ,Terry towling nappies and all their baby grows and clothes
I don't know how the loft doesn't cave in .
I don't know where to start ,I'm going to get upset seeing everything get given away
I kept it thinking they would want it when they had children..but I don't think they are going to have any children any time soon ,it's been up there nearly 30 years some of it ,it will be out of date .
Ugh I can't face it

Joining; details later! 💐

The rest of the house used to be pretty bad hording wise
But the last couple of years I've made progress
There's still plenty more decluttering to be done ..but I have to be in the right frame of mind
Yesterday I bagged up 8 binbags of clothes from the family ,and today I need to drop them at a charity bin ,not drive round with them in the car for a week.
I realised a couple of tears ago that clutter messes with my mental health and I need a clutter free home to thrive ..so I've been slowly trying to make that happen and I do feel better for it ,but there are still pockets I'm putting off sorting out ..under the stairs is pretty bad and on my list to be done soon

Following . My house is a mess. It’s going to be a long slog to get it were I want it to be

My mum kept things for me.

I recently passed on the jigsaws and board games to a charity shop. I'm 65.

My baby clothes are in a suitcase in my loft...Apparently Oxfam takes vintage Christening gowns, so I guess that's a possibility.

Julian I like all kinds of homes. If I was given a very plain empty one and could do what I liked with it I'd decorate with plants, ornaments, art on the walls, but not too many of each so it didn't look crowded on the surfaces. I'd buy furniture that was pretty, not only functional. I wouldn't fill it with endless stuff (unless I lived there a very long time and it happened without me noticing). I wouldn't be stressed by the space, I'd like it. The main thing for me is it mustn't look messy and must be clean. Lots of cluttered homes aren't really clean and messy is often the default, whether hoarded or not, because the occupants don't have the time or energy to put stuff away or to keep moving stuff to clean all the dust bunnies out from behind it and of course some won't have the space to move stuff into even if they wanted to. Lots of hoarders hate empty spaces though, I think that's why they refill if forcibly dehoarded, they have to get ok with the empty spaces gradually or it won't work. For me it's not a case of hoarders = bad, non hoarders = good. The majority of homes with children under 5 look like a filthy shit tip to me. Haphazard piles of stuff everywhere, skirting boards thick with dust, carpets you don't want to sit down on and if they have the cheek to tell me it's a shoes off household I peel off my socks before my feet go back into my shoes and I don't go back there! The homes remind me of when a snow plow (is that even how you spell that?) clears the road and a two lane road becomes a one lane road, with the middle bit cleared and the snow pushed to the sides, that's what looks like has happened to most of the stuff they own, like tidying up consists of pushing everything that was on the floor towards the edges of the room. It does seem to be the default amongst the homes I've seen and the occupants don't seem to mind, so I guess I'm the anomaly for not being ok with it. Rarely would I describe these people as hoarders. Then some collectors/hoarders can have very organised spaces with everything cleaned properly, regularly and that's nicer, to me and doesn't stress me.

@FiniteSagacity Lovely to see you. Hope things are improving though know how hard it is.
Thank you for fly paper tips, but I couldn't do it to them. I grew up with fly papers and mouse glue paper and similar everywhere, and the carnage of collections of dead creatures.
I was a strange kid who reacted to and hated the struggles of trapped small creatures. It made me perhaps over compassionate to their victims.
On the plus side, I learnt how to calm terrified struggling mice trapped on them, and cut the paper around their feet, and release them wearing comedy paper flip flops. (they probably all died from stress induced heart attacks later, but i was too young to know it might not help survival)

I'm evicting the fruit flies the hard way with a cut apple in a tall jar and waiting till several have gathered, plate slid over the top, and released out the back. Have got the worst but probably take a week, before the last ones are gone.

@JulianClarysDog There is a happy medium, between extreme clutter, and no sign of living, soulless, display purposes only, staged homes.
What I know about myself is that faced with an empty place with no sign of actual use, or personality, I'm uncomfortable and instinctively start to gather things, literally around me. It's a defense barrier of some sort.
Having supposedly designed 'calm spaces' around me, doesn't aid my creativity, feels horribly false, and without creativity I don't quite know purpose of living.

When outdoors I love vast endless space, when indoors, less so.

Conversely, put me in a cluttered chaotic hoard, and I have to sit on my hands to not start trying to organize it, (because it's not mine, not my right to interfere) and don't find being in it comfortable. My creative instincts, turn to wanting to create order out of the chaos, and clean.

Lots of clutter but it's generally maintained and homely, with background /corner rough spots, isn't comfortable for me to live in, but I'm fine visiting and able to be creative.

I grew up in extreme squalor chaos hoarding, and if faced with that I'm pretty pragmatic about it, because I recognize it's a sign of someone in need of compassion more than anything, but I do go into " you do realize this is fixable, don't you? " mode, in one way or another.

It's poorly recognized, but I suffer from tidy organized hoarding which means a great deal of exhausting attention paid to keeping everything neatly, properly stored, in category, color ordered, regularly cleaned, and preferably not too much visable, unless in use or on display intentionally.
I use to have wall to wall, floor to ceiling, sliding door cupboards, which allowed for a normal looking home, but still had decoration, things on display, the normal household post school, crafts, cluttering that gets cleared away every few days kind of thing, and things in use. Disability and building repairs changed that, but I'd love to have a disability friendly version of it again. All I need to hand, but not having to look at all of it, all of the time.
I tend towards extreme cleaning and have managed to get on top of being less extreme, and be able to tolerate some dirt and disorder, in a way that I just couldn't before, BUT, I can only do that because I know that insides of cupboards, wardrobes, etc are clean and organized, so it's only the things that I can see, not an additional fear that if something I can see is in slight need of cleaning, then what I can't must be in desperate need of total cleaning.
(I put it down to the way I grew up, and what lurked around me.)

Hello to all new folk 👋I'm off to work so will respond better when more time. Have a nice day.

@WearyAuldWumman Many of of us where brought up to believe that things gifted to us, carried with them some sort of responsibility for the item. I think when it's things like medals and family history, that's correct, but I bet I'm not the only one whose had things like someone's 60's bedhead, or huge Argos clock bequethed to them with instructions backed up by family, that they must take them into their homes and cherish and get use from them.
The guilt is hard, but we can cherish the people without being lifetime curators of the things they lived with, and remember everyone else always turns out not have space for them in their homes who insists they're cherished things we must keep.
Things 'kept' specially for us, also carry that sense of responsibility. I had the absolute opposite of that, nothing was 'mine' or worth keeping for me, and it felt like the desire to eradicate all traces of my existence or relationship to others, was part of it, but have seen it with many others.
I'd treat it as well meant/she couldn't bare to chuck them, but they are yours to do as you please with.
Oxfam, also possible museums of the home, textile collections, might just be interested if it's a full layette.

@Lionsandtigersandbears7 If you get involved in a project for young mum's, mum's fleeing DV or or generally living with little, it may help to let go.
Well done on bagging the 8 binbags of clothes up, and hope you managed to get them out of your vehicle yesterday.
It is hard, but it also will help towards better MH, and your future self is likely to thank you.

@BeMintFatball Most here are committed to the long haul, periodically falling of the wagon, but keeping on, keeping on, and some are further along, but it's all the same path.

@No5ChalksRoad welcome, with or without details. 🙂

Didn't finish paid work until early hours, and have to give contractors early morning access before going back in.. Going to be like this until the weekend trying to keep up with something I'm not managing very well, and getting shouted at a lot over. 🙁It's pretty rotten tbh, but the money's needed.

Hoping to get something done here this morning, before I go in.

@BlueSummerBaby will come back to your post later if I may, a lot of very accurate observations.

Hello. I have floor to ceiling shelving, stacks of storage tubs. At first glance, the house is tidy although dingy. But if I ever have to move, it would be a nightmare. Atm, keeping track and sorting is overwhelming.

I have a picture in my head of how I would like the house to look and how we would live. It seems impossible.

Everything I touch has a memory. If I put things in cupboards so that I don’t see them, I have a feeling of losing myself.

Like many others, there’s a back story. I’m reading through the previous threads and it’s such a relief to find others like me.

Thank you for posting. I don't think any of us on here would find your query disrespectful. I certainly don't.
Personally, I don't like a minimal home. When my house was at it's best or at least tidy and clutterfree, it was called 'cosy' by one of my dear late friends, Lyn. I like warmth and comfort over cold and soulless.
Most of my friends are tidy, some a bit lived in, but comfortable.
If you need ideas for your person, there are plenty in our threads. You can't force the issue though. It can make things so much worse.

@BlueSummerBaby it mustn't look messy and must be clean.
Agree with you, though I've known plenty of people who are perfectly happy in messy and not clean environments. This is what it realty comes down to imo: is whatever is going on in the home causing unhappiness to it's residents and or those around them, one way or another?

I had to learn to be less obsessive about clean, tidy and neat. It isn't healthy for children any more than the opposite extremes are. They grew up in visually uncluttered tidy environments. But one of them is a messy clutterer with strong hoarding tendencies, who doesn't notice dirt.
A large quantity of my life has gone to cleaning, maintaining and hauling 'stuff' around in order to keep things clean. (as well as in more recent years for other reasons) The percentage of my life wasted on this, isn't good.
I am tbh pretty surprised at levels of hygiene in many non hoarded homes, but what surprises me isn't that it's got that way, life's unrelentingly hard and time poor for many, it's those that don't think it's a problem when they do it, but do think it's a problem if their hoarding relative does, which suggests it's about something other than clutter and hygiene, when you unpick it.. Unspoken agreed social normalities?

It's a little like parents with very poor school choices, agreeing there's nothing that can be done and the Dc's will just have to suffer inadequate schooling, because there's an 'what can you do? - this is what it's like' unspoken agreement. Fair enough, but then publicly worrying about if some home educating children's education might not be great. It feels like deflection.

The snow plough analogy of non hoarding homes mess just repeatedly pushed to the sides is pretty accurate, and I always wonder if it isn't the infancy of hoarders goat paths, or maybe just a relative...
I agree for someone who is used to living surrounded by things, getting acclimatized gradually to emptier spaces is really important. The space can feel threatening and exposing for some.
But also those choices must come from themselves. Some of seek invisibility and blending in to the background rather than being the human centerpiece, even when no one else is there.
I've learned my instinct is to want things around me that inspire me and or have potential. Sitting in an empty work studio, being told ' Design X and have whatever you need to make it, delivered by Amazon tomorrow' is much harder work and not necessarily more efficient, than having materials and fun things around, which helps my mind run through possibilities more easily.

@TidyHoarder ☕Having things shelved and boxed can be the the first stages in getting them organized, and does make keeping them and the surroundings clean. So that has promise.
I relate to items you have touched holding memory, and I don't have the right language for this, but there are things to do with those of us who rely on visual memory first and foremost. Ie will only remember to fill in and post a form, or repair or replace a thing, if they can see it, rather than reading it on a to do list.
I'm trying to train myself towards lists and written words being more 'real,' but it isn't as effective as seeing the thing itself. But when I'm disposing of things, writing it down what's gone seems to help my brain consolidate it better.

Many, find things cease to exist once placed in cupboards. The sense of loosing yourself may also connect up with needing visual memory - but I'm no expert.

Do you know why the picture in your head seems impossible to achieve? (unpicking these things sometimes helps shift them)

Have never forgotten the relief to find others with similar or adjacent difficulties. (Thank you @Solo)

The something I got done yesterday morning was sorting through paperwork and disposing of some and reorganization of others. This morning's been a steady flow of contractors in and out, demands for tea, and trying to keep up with cleaning up behind them.
Now back off to work again. Roll on Sunday.

I gradually encroached even more on my space over the last nearly 5 years, following the death of my husband.

It's hard to explain, but it's as if my brain is only just waking up and I can see what my house looks like. It was cluttered before, but it's worse now (mainly the living room and what used to be our bedroom, but I also have too much stuff in the kitchen - in spite of the fact that I cleared out cookbooks).

My heart actually sinks if someone gives me a gift or - as sometimes happens - passes on a sentimental family item to to me.

I'm trying to make myself put out things which might be in good condition or even unused, but which I know I'm unlikely to ever use.

it's not much, but I'm heading off to the charity shop with an unused travel bag and a pair of wide-fitting shoes with tags attached. (The wrong type for me, according to my podiatrist.) I also have a bag of books in the car.

Minimalist homes. At first glance I like the look of them on tv, but my second thought is always where do they keep their stuff? But then a lot of my stuff is old tech, books, dvds, tapes and vinyl, all of which is available online, so it’s easy to possess less but access more.

I find it hard to remember anything I read online, and it’s so ephemeral. I have to write down in lists and diaries. I don’t trust anyone to keep important paperwork safe. No matter how much someone tries to reassure, I can’t let go. I have school artwork and toys from decades ago.

I would love my stuff to fit into a smaller space. I just haven’t found a way to make this happen. A very elderly relative lived in a studio apartment and had a wonderful life of active friends and travelling all over to visit people she had served with. The minute I met her for the first time I knew that would be my perfect retirement. Various caring responsibilities and my mental and physical challenges have made this very unlikely.

I can keep plugging away with the declutter, the areas I’m responsible for, and hope that something clicks in my brain at some point.