The Hoarders Anonymous Thread #7. Keep On Keeping On!

[Solo]

We are a mixed group of likeminded householders that are leading somewhat challenging lives; be that living with too much 'stuff' that we find difficult to deal with, houses that are falling apart (mine included), health issues within the family unit, wider family, or ourselves (myself included) that means sorting out our households is challenging, to say the least. So...

You are all welcome to join us for support, adding your own ideas to help others out, storage ideas, and even tips on actually getting those items out of the house which sounds so simple when you say it, but this part can be so very difficult; we are often attached emotionally to our 'things', afraid of letting things go just in case we need them.
Encouragement and support abound here, and we do not criticise. EVER! We even try not to criticise ourselves as it's not helpful to anyone, but this can be very difficult not to do.

If you are feeling overwhelmed by clutter, mess, disorganisation and generally don't know where to start. If you can't be bothered, but really do want to be bothered. If you think you are a bit lazy, or if you just need to see your highs and lows and everything in between on the screen here, join us, and we will help you. We'll virtually high-five your achievements - small or large, and virtually hug you when the need arises, and if you want a hug, just ask because we are here for you, here for one another because we get it. The art of washing up is sometimes our great achievement of the day, but it's still an achievement.

Welcome to thread #7 of Hoarders Anonymous - Keep On Keeping On!

Thread #6 HERE

FiniteSagacity Well done with the table, take the victory, whatever shape it comes in. ‘The ghost of Christmas future’ made me laugh and shudder at the same time.

Miaowse Afraid the traveling didn’t do the DVT any favours, but tbh I knew it wouldn’t, but out of options.
Yes to empathizing over issues with executive function, and I also have rather a sinking heart over all the stuff coming in.

^Literaturemakeslifebetter* You sound like you’re doing really well and you’re right about seizing the moment and working on keeping the mindset going.

TalkToTheHand123 Fantastic, well done. Get it out while the energy’s there. Motivation follows action. Initially slightly confusing, but true.

BlackeyedSusan Just stopping it getting worse quicker, is valid imo, though writing it made me realise that’s one of the important points where Ds and I disagree on. Lists have their pros and cons depending on individuals and their circumstances at any given time. On th pro side, they can help you realize what you have done, and also where the time has gone, both good and sometimes not so good. It can all help in terms of working out what we need to do, or do differently.

Blackheartsgirl It is hard to keep going when life is giving you and yours a kicking and things can’t really get better, just be handled better, but recognizing what needs to change to accommodate it, however difficult, is a good start.

TalkToTheHand123 Great progress, well done. IME generally, it gets bad because of lots of small actions or inaction's who's consequences slowly mount up.

IDontHaveTimeForFoolishness I'd second Miaowse's wise words about why we are here and how speaking about it can help us make changes.

Am hoping I haven't forgotten anyone, but once again doing things on the blooming fly!

Things here are a bit insane. I simply can’t do what’s needed in the time limits we have, and keep just keeling over and apparently being beyond wakeable to do more.
So, we’ve decided to focus on getting contractors access sorted, and then try and do anything seasonal for ourselves afterwards as I’m just not managing.. TBH the ‘we have decided’ is mainly that no amount of effort on my part is getting us there, so there’s little choice. Not intentional on my part, I keep going and then I find myself waking up wherever I was when I stopped for a moment, several hours later!

There are just too many balls in the air that can’t be dropped (I’ve dropped pretty much everything I can already) and I seem to have run short on whatever was keeping it all going, plus have come out of hospital to far worse than I left it.

Today is just going to be boxing stuff up and moving it out temporarily until there’s enough room for contractor to do work unimpeeded. Unfortuneately they need an awful lot of access. So this seems the most sensible thing to do in the circumstances.

Day 2 of running the dishwasher overnight so I emptied it while prepping my coffee.

I put away some dry laundry and re-jigged the stuff that is still damp. I did a small woollens load and hung it to dry. Now I have a towels wash in the machine but doubt I’ll have space to hang it. Very fed up of the damp weather and I have just wasted loads of time looking into thin/quick-drying towels.

In case it is helpful to anyone, I watched a video about motivation (clutterbug) and the five tips were:

• Borrow motivation from someone else, by watching a video about decluttering /increasing motivation
• Put on running shoes before you start (or dress like a 50s housewife or put on an apron)
• Set a timer and just do 5 minutes
• Declutter/clean while you listen to upbeat music, an interesting pod-cast or audio book
• Body double/team up with someone else

I also watched what was basically an advert for the Take Your House Back course and I’m tempted to sign up. I know it will probably duplicate free content, but psychologically having paid for it might make me follow through to get my money’s worth. You only have a year to do it so the deadline might also be motivating.

ElleHerd you deal with everything so gracefully and with great pragmatism. I think you are doing fantastically well in the face of so many challenges. Good luck with getting the access sorted out.

Very much agree with the point you made about many very small actions or inactions over time. For me the fact there are always more decisions/tasks coming along mean it gets to the stage where it feels impossible to catch up/get back to a maintainable state. Very depressing, but shows that even just doing the stuff to stand still or just doing 5 mins is always worth it.

I’d like to join please for help and support!

I was never a hoarder until I think my mid 20s when I inherited a substantial amount of money and could buy things I wanted eg clothes. Up until then I’d bought clothes and shoes etc but could be quite frugal re this.

I currently have a small cottage type house with the main bedroom and larger of two spare bedrooms stuffed with junk. Various bits from household things to clothes etc. I’m renting out the smaller bedroom in January (got tenant arriving on 3rd January so have now moved stuff from there into bedroom/box room. The box room is used for guests or work.

I have cleaned/cleared/donated stuff on countless occasions in the the past and I’ve been given tips or bought other things like drawers, shelves, boxes, jars to store things in. Mostly by DB and SIL who’ve helped me.

I actually feel disgusted with myself as I just can’t seem to get a lid on it and do spend on clothes.

I do feel depressed etc but don’t think I have ADHD, OCD etc. The mess/clutter (sounds so stupid) does feel like a security blanket, even when as now, I’m doing the horrid thing of stepping over mess on floors!

I have had relationships/lived with partners so can’t be just that.

I think I’ll have to pay for CBT.

Anyone struggling with being confronted by the stuff try to not beat yourself up-you didn't hurt anyone by getting the stuff, it was your money to spend so try not to waste time feeling guilty, no one got hurt, just some money got wasted which people do on things every day. Just get rid of it so you no longer have to look at the stuff and gave the bad feelings about yourself- they are mistakes and you have learned from them. This helps me release things. I have let items go which have new labels on when I see I have not worn them and just won't wear them- put it into perspective, it is just stuff you bought and it hurt no one, let it go now and it is gone forever. Your home is not an archive collection it should just have stuff you are using, not stuff that gives rise to bad feelings in you.

Wow so much progress from everyone.

Welcome anyone new joining.

Today I went out for coffee. (Yay)

Sat around a lot...

Went for a short walk...

But also:
Started on clearing the bathroom. (Spent about an hour on that yay)

Large toy taken to the garage to be sent to the charity shop.

Bag of bags sent to the garage until it can be sorted, counted and returned to Morrisons.

Shopping bags returned to the car.

Masses of washing sorted into loads. (Several need doing but it's cold and wet and drying slowly this time of year and the boy won't wear anything longer than five minutes) there is still school uniform to wash FFS.

Some kids detritus picked up and thrown away.

Some more carrier bags tied up and thrown down the stairs ready to be sent to Mr Morrisons.

Put several empty conditioner bottles in the recycling. They were thrown down the stairs but have been picked up)

Washed one load of washing.

Put next load in the machine to be done tomorrow.

Cleaned the bath of mud. Plus the tiles and shelf.

Soaked the muddy clothes and soaped the stains and rubbed a bit more... tomorrow they are going in the wash soapy.

Threw away a margarine tub

Elsewhere:

Dd did some washing up.

Dd threw some empty packets away that she finished. (One of those small actions that build up to a big thing. )

Moved washing about to get it to dry quicker/air.

fed boy lunch. (Four portions fruit and veg as he is going to dad's for tea and that is not very vegetably)

Oh BlackeyedSusan - child not wearing clothes for very long happens here too I have many loads of laundry waiting to be done, but drying is tricky in this weather.

I haven’t put my dishwasher on yet, so must do that soon or I won’t reach a three day streak.

I cleaned the toilet floor with anti-bac wipes and did the skirting boards while I was at it. Toilet bowl got a good clean too. I refilled rather soap & chucked a few old bottles from the bathroom, but there’s way more to be done.

Gathered some rubbish from floors and surfaces (empty packets, junk mail etc), but again just a drop in the ocean… Something is better than nothing I guess.

Thanks @Elleherd .

Did 45 mins in the small bedroom and filled 4 or 5 bags. Doesn't look much better but can open the door freely now and should improve when the bags are gone. Hopefully keep chipping away at it. Clutter rating 7 out of 10.

Hopefully get to the tip tomorrow as I have plenty bags to fill the car. It'll be interesting to find out if I can notice much difference.

Miaowse You’re very kind! It may feel like a drop in the ocean, but each one counts.
I know what you mean about the sense of never being able to catch up. Sometimes I find just writing things off and starting afresh is the only answer.
Something is always better than nothing It sorts out something, stops something getting worse, keeps us in practice and helps arrest mental sliding.

Take your house back course sounds interesting but depending on costs and your own finances, I’d be a bit cautious about ‘magic wand’ solutions. (though if you do, and it works, please share! ]

*GonnaGetGoingReturns^ Welcome. We all encourage and support each other here as best we can. on our journey's.
The mess/clutter (sounds so stupid) does feel like a security blanket I’m a 2nd-generation hoarder, who craves space and clear surfaces. Yet as soon as I have them there’s a sense of dissonance and an instinctive desire to fill them up, or I find I've surrounded myself with something while I gaze at the space, so it doesn’t sound stupid to me at all. (However, I also crave organisation, and it seems when I get that I don’t self-sabotage it, though others do!)

It’s possible to want something and have underlying feelings that cause self-sabotage, all at the same time.

Literaturemakeslifebetter is spot on about this not being the crime of the century and trying not to beat ourselves up about a condition that none of us asked to have. Also about ‘archives’ and stuff that makes us unhappy. Why are we keeping it if it raises only negative feelings? The latter is one of the first categories to consider getting shot of.

BlackeyedSusan That sounds like a productive time regardless of circumstances, and glad you got out for a coffee.
They’re all adult here now, but the endless shedding of clothes and washing and trying to get things dry, continues...

TalkToTheHand123 You’re moving really fast, well done. Hopefully when it’s all gone to the tip you will see a notable difference.

Got a lot shifted yesterday, and there’s now a lot more access, but need to keep going as they apparently need to be able to get at an awful lot. It really is The Grand Old Duke of York, and his 10,000 men here.
One bag of stuff gathered and gone in the process….

I can relate to the buying stuff after a bereavement. I bought loads after dh died, clothes gadgets, all sorts, anything to fill an aching space but didn’t work for the long term, the house just makes me feel worse now.

yesterday I started decluttering my bedroom, threw away some of dhs medication and inhalers from his bedroom drawer, still some way to go with this but it was a start. Plus bagged up some of his clothes to take to charity shops
I chucked out an old bedside table, and moved my excersise bike there and sorted out my toiletries.

today I’m going to go through 2 of my bedroom drawers.

i slept really well (for me last night) because I wasn’t worrying about the state of the house!

well done to all of you!

@Elleherd - thanks for the message! I think with me, downstairs is different to upstairs but the bedrooms seem more of a safe space to me. I know with the box room, that is fairly clear.

My DM came over yesterday and I sat down with her over tea and said I have to tell you something (she’s tried to tell me to sort things out etc!) and don’t judge me etc and she was really good! I’ve ordered two books on hoarding, one was recommended here, but I also looked into support groups for hoarding (sadly none near me but will keep looking) and looking into CBT for hoarding.

I’ll try and link sometime but I found a good site with research being done and also a case study on Maggie where they did a Q&A session and she talked openly about her issues, support, and how things have helped her (the support group has helped her).

For me in the past I’ve buried my head in the sand about it.

Having said that, looking on websites where the whole house is cluttered and unsafe/unhygienic, I’m lucky in that I keep the living room, kitchen, dining room and bathroom all clean and fairly uncluttered. Not sure why that is, maybe compartmentalising areas?

In DM’s house she does tend to have clutter (paperwork, DB’s spare furniture, attic clutter etc) but it’s controlled if that makes sense, and my stepdad used to be a hoarder and so did my step grandmother. But people never talked about hoarding or minimised it!

I know when I was younger and now I did read a lot and even though I’ve had relationships etc I think books sometimes kept me safe and away from relationships (always not wanted DMs/DFs broken marriages and my nana’s 3 broken marriages!).

My goal for after work is to set a 15 minute timer and clear.

@Literaturemakeslifebetter - agreed, I didn’t ask for this and yes it is hard to break!

What’s strange for me (I mentioned it before and DM mentioned it again) is that as a child/teenager and up to my mid 20s I was the other way re hoarding, not obsessive but very tidy, organised, cleaned well.

I had a message from my lodger this morning saying that her DM is very sick in hospital and she’s got to visit her (long way away) and maybe stay a short while, so she’s going to delay moving in with me until mid to late January which gives me breathing space.

3 day dishwasher streak! Emptied that while prepping coffee and also had time to fold some dry clothes from the kitchen airer. I’ve put on another wash which will be ready to hang in an hour or so.

Just setting a 5 min timer to see what I can get done.

GonnaGetGoingReturns clothes is my downfall too.

@Elleherd , noticed a bit of a difference, but it's easy to forget what it was like and as it's slow gradual improvement.

It's gone from hoarding to just very cluttered now so a little less stressed. Just need to keep at it.

@Miaowse how come you use your dishwasher so much?

I can ease up a bit now and doing more just little bits as I go, although hoping to have the odd blast when I can. I just tell myself I'll do 5 mins as once I start I often find it difficult to stop.

I always run it more or less once a day (is that a lot?) but I’m currently trying to get back in the habit of always doing that at night so it is ready to unload in the morning as that makes everything easier.

Crockery is one of the very few areas where I have about what I need (I still have too many mugs) so by the end of the day I either need to wash up to have plates/pans etc for the next day or run the dishwasher.

All my crockery, mugs, glasses, beakers, glass jugs and Pyrex dishes fit in one 60cm upper cabinet. The bottom cupboard holds all the pans, baking trays, cake tins, & the colander & grater etc plus foil, baking paper & cling film.

Aww I guess not. I feel like I'm constantly doing dishes. If I ever get round to doing the kitchen, I'll treat myself to one 😁.

Had planned to do a couple hours tidying today which would be my last chance in a while but have been invited to a meal out so having a lazy day instead 😯 😁.

Hopefully have some motivation for when the next opportunity arises over the next few days as keen to make more progress.

You’re similar to me then @Miaowse, my kitchen crockery and other bits there is fairly controlled apart from mugs (who doesn’t love a nice mug?!).

The freezer was getting out of control last year, loads of food but things I never ate so I cleared that, as it was making the fridge/freezer not work as effectively. Kept on top of that since.

I’ve got a close friend who I suspect is/was a hoarder because though I’ve seen photos of her place on zoom calls and seen it from the outside, she rarely invites people in (me and other friends invite her to our homes). In fact she once went into full on panic mode when 2 of us (not my idea) asked to come into her flat after a day out. I do think it’s got better since she’s living with her SO now.

Enjoy the meal out @TalkToTheHand123 and if you get a chance to have a dishwasher go for it! It frees up a lot of time and I think it uses less water etc.

@GonnaGetGoingReturns oh freezers, mine’s always stuffed.

Fourth day in a row of emptying the dishwasher while making coffee. Not much else achieved so far today.

Blackheartsgirl Well done on the start of bedroom de-clutter.
Sounds like you’re making good progress, though I appreciate it must be also very hard. Really good to hear it’s made a difference to your sleep.

TalkToTheHand123 Lots of resources recommend to take photo’s, which allows you see your progress. Not all of us feel comfortable with doing it, or having them, but it’s definitely helpful for some people to be able to look back and see where they’ve come from. (For others learning to forget may be the goal.)

Waves to BlueSummerBaby

Miaowse Well done with the new routine. Main washing up here gets done once a day, so I assume if we had a dishwasher we'd use it the same amount...
Generally anything used last thing at night gets done first thing in the morning. Then a slow build up of bits that collect in bowl over the day, If lots, it gets done before dinner prep, and if not gets put aside and done after dinner. The sink and surround are ancient, so rust spot proliferation has to be tackled daily to stop it becoming a mess. (Nice ceramic sink in storage that I'm hoping to replace the landlords one with, but not until we have decent floorboards!)

GonnaGetGoingReturns At first glance you appear to be keeping the parts of your home others see clear, but not necessarily those they don’t.

Links to research etc are always appreciated, (I only get to watch stuff about hoarding when others aren’t around as they don’t like it and it causes bad feeling)

Re hoarding being not discussed; I grew up in a squalor hoard, and must have always known it wasn’t ok because not letting it be found out was the most important thing in our lives, but I certainly didn’t know it had a name, (or that others lived that way too) and when as an adult I found out that it did, it felt treacherous to acknowledge it, and I was also ashamed. It certainly wasn’t talked about, and when it was it was either excused on WW2 if they were older, or it was judgemental hushed shocked terms.
I think it’s important to recognise how that stuff can play into self loathing, and that in turn makes us hide our problems and behave as if it’s an awful crime. Losing the shame is important.

I thought I’d escaped, because what I did just didn’t look anything like what I’d come from. I’m organized & a bit of a clean freak (quite obsessively when younger) so things got moved a lot to clean behind and under, and I failed to link any of it to the chaotic piling, rotting stuff, and things never moving other than collapsing that I grew up with. I also tend to take action as soon as things like water leaks etc happen, but of course with hindsight ‘d just learnt to do that as a direct reaction to seeing what happened when it was left. I wasn’t less of a hoarder, I was just doing it differently, but eventually changed circumstances and the amount of stuff forced recognition.

Now I know that what something looks like, or how we may have presented at given times isn’t what defines hoarding behaviors. The level of difficulty and distress in disposing of stuff generally is one of the best indicators.
(I was doing really well before I ended up in hospital, but now find I'm currently trudging through treacle again.)

Yesterday got more stuff into storage and into rooms where contractors don't instantly need access. 1/2 a black sack out and a carrier bag’s worth to recycling.

Contractors arrived yesterday late afternoon and took up bathroom floor and new skirting boards I'd put in, all over the place. After they turned the taps on and off repeatedly, apparently the washer on the cold tap in the kitchen disintegrated and they left leaving the tap in full flow. Stopcock's in a really hard to access place but got there eventually. Sorted tap this morning (yes I have washer supply ) but no blooming contractors! Sat on hold for hours before getting cut off and giving up.
Just finished making things a bit more liveable for the weekend, and about to prep for tomorrow as we're hoping to try and have a sort of Xmas mark 2.

This thread is lovely to read and it’s great that so many of us are finding inspiration to sort our houses out.

I’ve had a shit day today. I’ve been really stupid and let something slide I really shouldn’t have but because I’ve been really poorly mentally ( almost admitted before xmas) I just didn’t sort it. Dh old car. I left it round the back of my house off the road in a parking space as it was knackered, forgot to sort it and didn’t check on it until my ds did today. On the 16 th dec it had an abandoned letter from the council on it and as I didn’t realise they will come any day now to seize it and a big fine for me. I can’t find the v5 so I can scrap it. It’s mot,d but not insured and I’ve been in tears all day because it was dhs car and it’s another thing of his that has to go. I’m so stupid, I really really am.

I did do another tip run though but I’ve looked round at how much my house and life is in chaos and I feel like giving up 😭😭

Hello, I'm a newbie!
Hoarding parent, dyslexia and ADHD all play a part plus all my parents belongings recently inherited and an absolutely huge amount of storage space on a farm, I sometimes wonder if my goal is to fill it 
I've had 3 years of full on work and then 3 years post long Covid so things have built up.

Currently dealing with post Covid neurological inflammation meaning I can only stand for a few hours a day before head pressure becomes intolerable so whilst I'm itching to get going it's going to be slow.

I asked DH for no Christmas presents just help round the house fixing things, am wondering if a skip for my birthday next week might be appropriate...

The sad thing is we have a beautiful home but you just can't see it.

I'm reading through for inspiration and recognise that decision making is one of my biggest problems, that and consistently. If I can keep plodding on at a snails pace for a whole year I think it would be transformative.

@blackheartsgirl I'm so very sorry about your DH and the car must just add to it
So easy to forget things when distracted. We once accidentally gave away a field when selling a business because we hadn't updated the Land Registry. Sigh, probably couldn't find the paperwork.

Blackheartsgirl I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I don't know how much use anything I can say actually is to you, but I'm going to try saying it and hope...
No you're not stupid, you're overwhelmed by an overwhelming situation. It's a reasonable reaction to what's to hard to cope with for the vast majority of us.

Things you may still be able to do:

Remove notices if you haven't already.

Call the council, tell them what's going on, and that the cars owner is deceased, and you've been struggling to cope. Ask them to pause action.

If you can get the car moved to a different location, do. If it's possible to get it onto privately owned land with permission, absolutely do.

If you can't, put a notice on it explaining situation, it may not save you, but if you give contact details it just might buy a pause. (Also may not, but doing something generally gives us more peace)

Or if you have the money, or any friends who might do it for you, insure the car, and call council on Monday, and then send of for a replacement V5, and deal with it in your own time.

One last possibility is try and sell to gumtree type tow guys. With an MOT it's automatically of interest, even if at a low price. I realize you may not be able to cope with actioning this last suggestion.

I get the heartbreak of having to let go of his posesions, I really do.

(For what it's worth, in a few days time I have to send a vehicle with painful attachments through ownership to scrap and losing control of the situation is part of why. It all hurts like hell, and makes me want to scream in circles, but experiance has taught me that in the end this too will pass.)

If I laid out what's happened here, you'd be saying similar to me about overwhelm, not stupidity. We are human, and can only hold so many things together at the same time.

I'm going to say Well done on the tip run anyway.
Wanting to give up is beyond understandable, and it may be that tonight the best thing you can do is take time out (tbh it's when I get the alcohol out) and face tomorrow when it comes.

I have to go do stuff or I'll get beyond shot when people get back, but will try and look in later.

Hello and welcome stayathomegardener. Will try and post better later.

But meantime, sorry you're suffering. from what sounds very debilitating.
As I and others have already discovered, having storage space doesn't work out well for people with hoarding tendencies (let alone full on disorder!)
Any pace is fine, but many of us find our progress for various reasons is akin to snails pace, so you should be fine.