The Hoarders Anonymous Thread #7. Keep On Keeping On!

[Solo]

We are a mixed group of likeminded householders that are leading somewhat challenging lives; be that living with too much 'stuff' that we find difficult to deal with, houses that are falling apart (mine included), health issues within the family unit, wider family, or ourselves (myself included) that means sorting out our households is challenging, to say the least. So...

You are all welcome to join us for support, adding your own ideas to help others out, storage ideas, and even tips on actually getting those items out of the house which sounds so simple when you say it, but this part can be so very difficult; we are often attached emotionally to our 'things', afraid of letting things go just in case we need them.
Encouragement and support abound here, and we do not criticise. EVER! We even try not to criticise ourselves as it's not helpful to anyone, but this can be very difficult not to do.

If you are feeling overwhelmed by clutter, mess, disorganisation and generally don't know where to start. If you can't be bothered, but really do want to be bothered. If you think you are a bit lazy, or if you just need to see your highs and lows and everything in between on the screen here, join us, and we will help you. We'll virtually high-five your achievements - small or large, and virtually hug you when the need arises, and if you want a hug, just ask because we are here for you, here for one another because we get it. The art of washing up is sometimes our great achievement of the day, but it's still an achievement.

Welcome to thread #7 of Hoarders Anonymous - Keep On Keeping On!

Thread #6 HERE

Any update from HMRC @Elleherd ? The whole situation (including the building work, which isn't helping) sounds beyond frustrating!!

I still haven't managed to find that magical additional time to relax after getting everything done (hence being on MN at a late hour!) - I was going to update you on the DC's attempts at making friends but I am absolutely humiliated by their behaviour at sports club the other day essentially they were playing with another boy, things got out of hand when they started being silly, and he ended up with a cut hand. Not badly cut but enough to shock him, and now I may not be able to take them back (completely deservedly, that's not my issue - they need to learn there are consequences for bad behaviour!). So they are upset because they thought everyone was having fun, I'm upset because they KNOW they get overly silly and start pushing and shoving, and of course the other boy is upset and I can't apologise enough I'm actually not sure I'd take them back anyway as I'm mortified by what happened, and would understand if the other mum wants to put in a complaint.

You're right @Valhalla17 , the housework does seem relentless!! I just don't know how people keep on top of it I did have a big declutter which has made things easier, but still in no way actually easy or enjoyable...

@BlueSummerBaby I am not a fan of extra shelves but then I know that my instinct would be to fill them with clutter which other people may not be tempted to do!

Kitty do you know what it is that makes housework hard for you? Just wondering if you can identify the problem you might be able to figure out the solution. Do you still have too much stuff or very high standards?

If it helps, this is all I do for my basic weekly reset:

Clean the bits of floors in the middle, the bit I can get to without moving anything.
Clean toilet, bath, sink.
Clean kitchen worktop and sink.
Clean door handles.
Clean windowsills (these are almost empty so moving minimal ornaments first isn't an issue).
Clean banister rail.
Change bedding.
Change towels.
Wash dishes.
Empty bins and take out recycling.

This is in addition to a daily tidy up where everything with a home gets put back there. I've got clutter but I wouldn't describe the cleaning as hard, which makes me think there's something else going on for you? I'm trying to get to a place where I can clean all the floor, unless there's a piece of furniture on it. I draw the line at shifting furniture around. I don't mind cleaning but if you don't like it then expecting to enjoy it is probably asking too much of yourself. The bit to enjoy is the clean home afterwards! Might help if you put some music on while you do it?

I've started with the shelves. They are getting filled with clutter but it's clutter I already own, so it doesn't count! 😁 It's about having somewhere to put things that I want to keep but they don't have a proper home. The idea is to reduce random things in random places and to get stuff up from piles on the floor, so I can easily access and use things. The other day I gathered up all the jigsaws, now they have a place on a shelf and are all together there.

Thanks Elleherd, that's good to know and I hope things are going ok with you.

Hmmm @BlueSummerBaby, I don't think we have huge amounts of clutter (any more ) but just the routine jobs take me aaaaages... this was last night:

DC were at a sports activity till 7pm, I took them there and did a quick Tesco shop once I'd dropped them off (too far to go home and back in that time, but Tesco is nearby)
Got back - by the time they'd had a snack, had showers etc and gone to bed it was 9.30pm
I then needed to:
Finish loading the dishwasher
Wash up anything that couldn't go through the dishwasher (water bottles etc)
Make packed lunches
Pack sports kits for today, sort out donations for Comic Relief for the DC to take to school
Hang up two loads of washing to dry as it never stops bloody raining
Sort out a dry load of washing to put away
Unpack two big bags of Tesco shopping
Check my emails from today and reply to a couple of them

It's all stuff that I can't do during the day for various reasons, but I'm stuck as to how I could cut it down! And trying to do my half an hour of TOMM cleaning on top of that just seems impossible

Thank you for the ideas though, I will definitely have a think just stressed still about the sports club issue, the leader was supposed to be calling me today about it and hasn't, it feels like I'm sitting here waiting for the axe to fall! I've decided that regardless, I'm going to pull them out of the club - I don't think they'll be welcome there any more (and no wonder), and they need to learn to think before they act in future. I just hope there are no consequences which are even more serious

KittyTalbot Sorry you’re going through it with the Ds’s. Children do do foolish things; it is part of childhood. Understanding actions have consequences is also part of growing. Some of them take longer than others. I hope the club leader’s been in contact and the whole thing has lost some of its sting by now.

Afraid generally the only way I know to fit more work in when you’re already using all the hours you have and feel you’re working efficiently enough, is either something has to give, or most things have to be done at a lower standard for a bit and made up for another time.

BlueSummerBaby The idea is to reduce random things in random places and to get stuff up from piles on the floor, so I can easily access and use things. Yeessss! Knowing what you have where and it not being in random places or n the floor, does make for an easier life.
It sounds like you’re doing well. Well done!

Update of sorts:
HMRC have now said all issues are resolved, and when they look at my statement, I owe nothing 😅and the call is recorded as such. Promised letter confirming this has not turned up, and I suspect it won’t be sent and I will at some time in the future find myself back at square one. 🙁Who knows.

Builders and landlord are a whole other level. I cleared the room they wanted to start in on time for Wednesday. Bribed Ds to help get carpet etc into storage. Builders showed up, made mess pulling up floorboards and digging into walls, turned up Thursday and seemingly did nothing but tea breaks and phone calls and in and out of the loo constantly. Didn’t turn up Friday. All I could do was leave messages.
Over the weekend put some time into aunt’s original failed repair. Everything stripped back, damp plaster removed, heat lamps on it, and a liquid damp proof membrane over it and it’s supposed to be getting papered tonight when it is dry enough.

Saturday came back to find a note from a builder to say he was expecting me to be there so he could do some work! More messages to foreman about communication.
Also removed rubbish and some re-growing ivy from aunts garden. Didn’t get launderette done as a result but rearranged plans so that was on track for this afternoon after builders gone. Stripped beds etc.

This morning no builders! Lost the morning chasing and arguing with landlord claiming they had Saturday appointment and I didn't give access! Deciding you fancy turning up the day after you should have been there is not an appointment! Foreman said they were on their way at lunchtime.

No builders, but Foreman has just turned up to say they need another room cleared, and nothing can go into the other one they’re (not) working in. That has to happen for them to restart very early Wednesday. So tired and cross. I also have to have a piece finished to take to a client tomorrow afternoon and know if I don’t get the paper up at aunts it will be another fortnight before it can even be thought about, and something else will have happened by then.

Bloody hell, you are dealing with the most infuriating bunch so I’m sending zen-like thoughts your way Elleherd

My paid work is still taking up more time and headspace than I’d like so I’m barely treading water with the house.

Positives - I did some cleaning in the kitchen (still dreadful), cleared a large shopping bag’s worth of old paper from my workspace (still dreadful). Next goal is to fill an extra black bag before bin day and to tackle the recycling mountain.

Laundry, dishwasher & cooking all broadly in hand (I even froze some extra portions to help future me )

@Elleherd I'm de-lurking to send a hug, that all sounds utterly infuriating. I hope the builders finally get their act together and get the job finished without causing too much more unessecery grief.

Hi everyone, hope you are well as you can be, dealing with all the ups and downs of life.

I have one of those 'major issues in life' issues to face, difficult for anyone but for hoarders and whatever the emotions and mind issues attached, seems like the end of the world which I have to deal with alone.

I have an interest only mortgage, I had an endowment mortgage but it was not going to pay out and I cashed it in to pay off credit card debts, I always thought I would find a way, sell up and move or extend the mortgage. Deep down I knew that I wasn't coping with the hoarding, plus working and day to day life. feeling exhausted and that I would never be ready I think.

Well I spoke to the bank on Saturday, I don't qualify for a new mortgage with them (I'm 60 next month), I could go to another lender, or sell the flat, I would have to put it on the market within a month and then I would have a year to sell it, they also said I should get advice from step change, who apparently advice on mortgages in this situation. I've got to ring another department of the bank this Thursday and I'm really worried.

I know no one can advise (I will ring the bank and step change this Thursday on my day off) but what I know you will understand, is I have that feeling of intense panic, and feel I'm falling from a great height, a horrible sinking feeling and of being intensely alone, I can't share it with my parents who are in their late 80's

No one is going to put things on hold while I sort out the hoarding, years of neglect, wallpaper coming off the ceiling from a leak in the roof on the block of flats, but every decision now requires my property to be assessed in someway and it's in a poor state.

Whatever it is behind the mess I've got myself into and the hoarding that has been especially bad the last 10 years at least, feels as if I'm pushing against an emotional brick wall, a feeling of being paralysed, not the best mindset to be in, OCD is a part of my issues as well.

I just wanted to connect with you as I know you understand the intensity of the pain of all this and the related issues that arise that add layers of problems.

Arthur I don't know if this helps at all but I'd take the route of deciding that the flat isn't going to be sorted out before sale, it's going to be sold as is - hoard included. This will obviously affect the value of it.

Then I'd get some kind of (probably privately paid for) help for the MH side of things so that you could move out without having a full on breakdown.

The flat could be sold at auction for a quicker sale, as it won't be a usual type of sale so won't attract the usual type of buyer who exists in the regular housing market.

I don't even know if this is possible or the costs, I'm plucking figures out of the air, but I think if it was me it'd be more beneficial to pay £15k for a month in a private MH rehabilitation facility to manage the transition from living in place A to place B as healthily as possible rather than spend £15k doing up the flat to make it more valuable/saleable.

I'm really sorry to hear about the situation. Afraid I don't really understand mortgages, (they've always been too far out of reach for me) but I understand the gist of the issues, and yes that sounds very worrying.

I understand the feeling of "pushing against an emotional brick wall, a feeling of being paralysed" and pretty sure many others here will too.

My response to early warnings that things are going to be happening in my home that I wont like, is to try and use the fear to make myself do more right now, knowing my future self will be kicking itself for all the time I didn't use when I still had it.
Some of that is about controlling what I can control when everything else is clean out of my control. It helps me feel less out of control.

Focusing on organizing, cleaning repairing etc is what I use to control that sense of "intense panic, and feel I'm falling from a great height, a horrible sinking feeling and of being intensely alone" when there's nothing I can do about the bigger issues and the potential end results are terrifying.
I know that whatever happens one way or another, I will have to have things ready to move, and more people in my home at a time than my situation comfortably allows, so that's what I do when there's little else I can do.

My other one is to remember that it isn't over until whatever deadline is actually happening, right down to the last hour, and all sorts of things, good and bad, can happen still in that intervening period. If they don't, I gave it my best shot at least.
A number of times I've thought that's it, I'm finished, unexpected things have happened at the last moment, and I have survived because I kept my nerve. (in truth running round like a headless chicken is a better descriptor of 'kept my nerve.')

I'm actually currently surviving on a knife edge here with deadlines a few days at a time, each of which threaten me with bankruptcy if I don't manage them, and apperateing and disapperating contractors all over the the place, and fears about my tenancy around them. In two weeks time the big one with work decides my fate over my future income or lack of it.

The only way I know not to go entirely mad, is to push away what you can't control, set an hour in the day when you allow yourself to think about it, do the awful emails, phone calls etc, and just refuse to look it in the eye the rest of the time while acknowledging it's behind all the actions you are doing, if that makes any sense?

Miaowse & GlumyGloomer thank you both, it's all ongoing especially the disapperating bit!

GlumyGloomer Sorry realised I'd been on here too long last night and bolted. It is very hard to live with. Part of the problem is no one is entirely sure what the job is any more as they uncover more concerning things that mean they can't do x because of y, but they cant do y without looking at x, so going off to do more straightforward things elsewhere seems to be the reaction every time.

Miaowse well done with the clearing out, every last bit of it helps even when it seems minor against a mountain. It's all future time gained, same as well done for keeping the maintenance together and creating additional ready food.

KingArthur Hope being able to write it all down has helped a bit. No idea how realistic getting another lender in place is, but I hope it's possible.

Update: Managed to get room emptied into storage, only to spend a week of builders turning up in ones and twos and disappearing again without seeming to do more than unpack tools make tea, use loo, be on phone, go for food, have tea, be on phone, repack tools.
But, the better bit of news is I kicked off in front of them last week about having hired an expensive platform to work at aunts and then having no time to use it if I had to clear another for them instead, that they now where doing nothing with. After I'd finished, a deal was done to lend me a working platform! Luckless lad was provided to break down and return expensive hired platform with me, and set theirs up at aunts. Aunt's wall now boasts 2 layers of cross hatched dried properly DMP . Is re-papered, and dried. Now painted. Am holding breathe.
Builders then didn't turn up yesterday or so far this morning, so I guess that was the hidden part of the deal!
Basic maintenance is ongoing but building dust is a losing uphill battle.
Have another handover deadline for this afternoon, so brunch over and back to the grindstone.

Thank you Elleherd, you have given me hope, as you say it's not over until the deadline is upon us, I have to find the strength to keep going until then, otherwise I will just hide away somewhere until it's too late.

Yes I understand what you are saying, being on the edge of disaster is going to drive me mad as well, as you say, do the things it's difficult to face and then try to push to rest away.

Life is no fun sometimes is it? I keep thinking why did I get this way, but I suppose we are all saying that on here.

For you the big work issue that's looming in two weeks will, hopefully, be one of the things that you will survive by keeping you nerve, as you say and will turn out unexpectedly well.

Is there any way you can cast a spell for us to apperate to a greek island?

Thank you for your reply BlueSummerBaby, unfortunately I don't have the kind of money to have private health care for rehabilitation and I would need a decent price for the property as I have to pay what's due to the bank so can't take the risk of an auction which may not get enough to do that and I doubt the bank would allow that anyway for those reasons.

Once on the market I get a year from the bank to sell it, I will just have to rely on the support I get from those that know what it's like to deal with hoarding and have got through the stress of it all, to keep me going to get to that stage.

Think of me tomorrow please (Thursday), I will be phoning the bank and step change etc, have a feeling of dread but want to be hopeful as much as I can that it won't be a disaster.

The main thing is, disaster it not, you'll be dealing with it Arthur. I hope the phonecalls yield good results.

I will be thinking of you later today KingArthur and hoping you find a workable solution.

Not looking for updates, but as builders clocked off for Easter this morning, 🙄I'm going out to grab shopping, do bank etc, and just leaving this for KingArthur to know that people really are thinking abut you and hoping for good outcomes for you.

Thank you Elleherd, I saw your post just before I phoned step change and the bank.

Step change are a charity as well as a brokers which I didn't realise, they took details and sent me a form to complete, the first available appointment is not until May, I then phoned the bank and told them I was getting advice which they noted.

I won't know if I qualify for the options they suggested until I give them all my financial details and have the appointment in May.

I feel like I have a temporary reprieve from the gallows, so can sleep better tonight, I now need to find a purpose to help me look forward and get motivated rather than emotionally paralyzed, I could take the approach that if I was leaving my flat what would I do and then start getting rid of stuff, so much to throw out, hope I can find the energy.

I think taking a have a go at downsizing, clearing up, and or making more visitor ready approach, can only be a good idea.
Whether it becomes needed or not, it will pay dividends.
Doing practical things is a good way of staving off paralysis, and taking some control over life.
Energy is a difficult one, but it is often connected to motivation, and generally when it comes to both hoarding and housework, motivation actually follows action, rather than the other way around.

Don't know if this is any use to you, or if you've already seen it, but:
https://www.stepchange.org/how-we-help/interest-only-maturity.aspx

and
https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/search?domain=all_content&query=Mortgage&scope=site&source=community

Hello all,

KingArthur1964 what a stressful situation, hoping for good news for you.

Elleherd result on the platform! I’m in awe that you are sorting your aunt’s place for her (and that you know how to do it and can do all the DIY stuff) especially when you have so much of your own stress to deal with. I hope she realises what a gem of a niece she has

KittyTalbot how have you been getting on? Is all the life admin and endless housework still causing stress or are you feeling more optimistic?

i can’t easily scroll back but hellos to all. Finite Sagacity if you’re still reading, how is the Take Your House Back course going?

I feel constantly exhausted but putting it down to my crap lifestyle. Minimal exercise, too much sugar, not enough sleep and lots of stress from different sources.

We all need a pause button.

Elleherd, I put your advice "motivation follows action" to use on Friday, feeling low and not wanting to do anything and lying in bed, I thought of what you said last year and just started taking rubbish down to the big bins (I live in a small block of flats) and then was able to get ready to go out in the sun.

Downsizing will be my aim and will give me a purpose. I've never know what I wanted or maybe just not dared to imagine anything better, a kind of negativity based on fear and maybe connected to OCD where I fear the worst but really would love to imagine positive situations.

Very grateful for those financial links, interest only maturity is exactly my situation.

Miaowse, thank you.

Happy Easter to everyone, hope we can have some peace of mind.

@KingArthur1964 I am so glad you’re keeping on, keeping on. Taking out rubbish is working for me (but I am very much still on the trash layer in my house).

@Elleherd‘s advice that motivation follows action is absolutely spot on.

@Miaowse the last 3 months have involved a lot of days supporting hoarding parent (unfortunately not decluttering at their house because ‘I am not a hoarder’ and ‘it’s a collection’ are trotted out regularly). So I’ve not made as much progress through the course as I wanted to. However I’ve listened to all of De-cluttering at the Speed of Life audiobook on some long road trips and I am making progress where I can. I’m just still in the trash layer 😳

Dana did have the valuable nugget that I need to practice on my own house and hone my skills before I properly tackle hoarding parent’s house so I’m avoiding my own house less.

Miaowse She was one of the few who minded what happened to me a young woman when everyone else turned away, and stayed in touch with my step Dc's when they ended up with me, so a certain amount of quid pro quo.
But re the DIY, everything I actually know comes either from the experience of having a go and getting it wrong, (this is how most men learn) and or from a book or google, and a lot of it I don't know anything until I need to learn about it! It's why I do things in small increments and stages as I'm terrified of getting into a situation where I can't complete what I'm tackling.

If I had a pause button I would gladly send it!

KingArthur1964 Happy Easter!
I don't know if this would be useful, but it has a free equity release calculator which might be helpful for ball parking things: https://www.telegraph.co.uk/financial-services/retirement-solutions/equity-release-service/what-if-i-can-not-pay-off-my-interest-only-mortgage/

Well done taking the rubbish down, and for getting out into the sunshine! All good steps forward.
I'd encourage you to imagine what things could look like in things you have control of. Once you have an idea of what you'd like, even if it's just 'see the carpet' or 'get at the cupboard' it allows you to see, or talk to others, about what needs to be done towards getting there. Fear of failure can stand in the way of it.
Focusing towards downsizing sounds very sensible.

Finite Sagacity Glad you're managing to not ignore your own house less. Finding the energy and time for more than one situation at a time, is definitely hard.

👉Reminder to all on standard variable tariffs for gas and electricity: 👈
Prices fall by an average 12% Today, so getting your meter readings in, can save you some money.

Took far too much of yesterday of, and am regretting it now. (Despite it being a bank holiday I have a meeting later) Not having builders and neighbors gone away gave rare peace and quiet, and instead of using it sensibly, I mainly enjoyed it!
But, laundry is done, and the majority of one piece of really difficult work that's been a huge worry. I just need a bit of a miracle with the rest of today and the forthcoming week.