The Hoarders Anonymous Thread #7. Keep On Keeping On!

[Solo]

We are a mixed group of likeminded householders that are leading somewhat challenging lives; be that living with too much 'stuff' that we find difficult to deal with, houses that are falling apart (mine included), health issues within the family unit, wider family, or ourselves (myself included) that means sorting out our households is challenging, to say the least. So...

You are all welcome to join us for support, adding your own ideas to help others out, storage ideas, and even tips on actually getting those items out of the house which sounds so simple when you say it, but this part can be so very difficult; we are often attached emotionally to our 'things', afraid of letting things go just in case we need them.
Encouragement and support abound here, and we do not criticise. EVER! We even try not to criticise ourselves as it's not helpful to anyone, but this can be very difficult not to do.

If you are feeling overwhelmed by clutter, mess, disorganisation and generally don't know where to start. If you can't be bothered, but really do want to be bothered. If you think you are a bit lazy, or if you just need to see your highs and lows and everything in between on the screen here, join us, and we will help you. We'll virtually high-five your achievements - small or large, and virtually hug you when the need arises, and if you want a hug, just ask because we are here for you, here for one another because we get it. The art of washing up is sometimes our great achievement of the day, but it's still an achievement.

Welcome to thread #7 of Hoarders Anonymous - Keep On Keeping On!

Thread #6 HERE

Oh Elleherd you are amazing, all the crap you’re dealing with just keeps coming but you’re doing an incredible job of juggling it all.

Can you carve out time to look at other job options or are you too busy and stressed? Utterly galling that you have to re-do work already done. My job is getting worse by the day and I’m fantasising about unlikely scenarios that would enable me to quit.

Kitty you are not badly organised, it sounds like you’re doing a brilliant job. I agree with what Solo and Elleherd said about this. Plus I think neurodiversity plays a big part for many people who find themselves in this situation (either self or family members or both). There is a lot of guilt and shame.

Hi all.

Well, I've not stopped all day, but you'd be hard-pushed to notice a difference! But, I reorganised a kitchen wall cabinet, and got rid of 3 plastic cups - two the type that have a lid and plastic straw. One I dropped and Dd didn't want to get rid of as it was a gift from her brother, the other is just so not Dd anymore (think pink and unicorn), and had no straw. So, the first one was binned, and the second is going to charity. The third was an Anywayup cup that was Ds's; he's 26 this year! Yes, Dd did use it briefly, but there's no lid anymore, so I binned it! There's also a pottery bowl that is going to the CS and another same type with a crack that's gone to the bin. I also discovered yet another of my Pampered Chef Bakers had a big crack, so that's two that have been binned in the last 2 weeks. I'm annoyed as they are/were very expensive and I love them, plus you can't buy them in the UK anymore. Hey ho!

I found one of the plastic storage boxes that I had hidden extra crockery in so that Dd (and I) wouldn't use everything in sight had got a load of dirty water in from the flood, so I had to empty that, wash, and dry everything and the box. I've put the crockery (except the mugs) in the sorted wall unit and told Dd that she can only use what's on the left and that she has to wash up what she uses. We'll see how that goes! I have a thing about mugs. But I got one out of the box that I'd put away with 2 chips in, so I binned it. I also put another one to go to the CS.
I threw away a baby pram shoe of Dds. I wavered over that. I threw a second plimsole (took the lace out) away as I'd had to chuck the other one when I had the flood as it was saturated and I just could. not. be. bothered!

I've sorted through a bit of one of the worktops, but there's much more to sort out there.

I put a lot of the 'stuff' away onto the remaining space on the shelf unit - so mostly jars. Still so much to do, but I feel like I've made some headway today even if it doesn't look like it!

I have/had done all my laundry today until Dd got in from the stables where she's doing work experience! <sigh>.

I wish I could take a week off work to get more done, but I'm behind at work and need to get caught up.

I'm sorry I'm not answering or commenting on your posts, but I am reading them, and things sound tough going for everyone. I wish you all the mutually available time, energy, and the right mindset.

Miaowse Some of it just keeps coming because of me, but at the same time there's quite a bit that I think is is just poor luck.

Definitely no time currently, but I did a lot of re-evaluating and attempted re-training previously. I have some skills but truth be told I'm pretty unemployable in a modern world, hence self employment and mainly doing niche work for middle men who manage all the stuff I'm hopeless at. Covid onward the industry I'd managed to build up work from is very thinned out.

I'm sorry your work is not satisfying for want of a better word. We spend so much of our lives at it, but I think a lot is being done with not enough currently, and many are feeling it.

Solo
Sorry about the never ending laundry, it sounds like being hit with the teenage equivalent of small children presenting with "look Mummy, I've been painting!"

You sound like you're making good decisions and coming to terms with what needs to go even when it's tough, and pushing through it. As I'm sure you know, headway made isn't always visible until other things come together, but it's still equal headway and it will become visible.

Most of the work I was hoping to do yesterday didn't get achieved, so somehow need to be doubly productive today. Instead we spent the time desperately trying to find an important bunch of keys that DS has lost. He has no idea where he lost them and it's not looking good. Can't now access much needed materials so some cloth that needed to be laundered yesterday, which affects the making schedule I'd carefully created for the week, and lock replacements are going to be painful.

Currently listening to the birds and waiting for it to get later so I can start, without waking the world up.

@Solo I’m also reading updates and willing everyone on - love that you’ve been able to throw stuff out, you’re building your decluttering muscles 💪

@Elleherd “…time that is scraped and stolen out of time put aside for other things…” you’re so wise and wishing you all the luck so things improve for you. I am also the ‘finder of things’ in our house and losing things drives me crazy.

A lot of my time is currently stolen to help hoarding parent, and the house I grew up in is overwhelming. I have been listening to self-compassion podcasts and Brene Brown’s books, fascinating stuff about shame and perfectionism.

@Solo - a big well done on your decluttering!! It's so interesting to read how other people overcome their difficulties; it's very tough to form new habits (such as keeping surfaces uncluttered, in my case) but hopefully worth it for all of us although like you, I'm still not sure where to find the time to do everything...

I'm sure DTS1 has ADHD to some extent @Miaowse, and I certainly have some tendencies - lack of organisation and being terrible at budgeting, for example! TOMM has really helped me with having a cleaning system but I'm failing at life with everything else, my 'life admin' skills are severely lacking.

Both my parents are hoarders @FiniteSagacity, they each blamed the other when they lived together, but when they split up (about 20 years ago now) and started living separately it became clear that it was both of them! DF's house is terrible - literally one of those homes you can't walk into, piles of stuff everywhere - DM's house is better but she just seems blind to the fact that she has far too much stuff, and also that houses need cleaning

I'm so sorry to read about your troubles at home and work @Elleherd, that must be unbelievably stressful. Having had years and years of very busy and stressful jobs, I'm grateful that my current role isn't overwhelming, I just don't have the headspace now I have small DC - although then I worry that I'll be made redundant as work isn't as busy, and of course it's not very well paid! You're quite right that I feel that I should be working harder/ smarter to 'get ahead of myself' and that I'm missing a trick somewhere about how to do it...

Have you tried FlyLady Kitty? I've found it very helpful for building routines so the basics get done daily and weekly, then the rest focuses on initially decluttering then cleaning the decluttered areas. It took me a year of joining the thread on here for me to fully understand the system and get the basic routines in place. I found the website initially overwhelming but the thread here is great at distilling it down. Sorry if I've already mentioned it, I forget who I say what to!

@KittyTalbot. Thank you. I'm hoping to get more done this weekend. Such a drop in the ocean of stuff was last week! But it was a good drop.
Over the last year, I've actually wondered if I too have adhd. My brother, son and daughter all say I have autism - which is a family trait along with filling every available surface! My mum is like this, and dad couldn't throw things away that might come in useful. Mum always blamed us kids. I left home and she blamed my brother. He left home and she blamed the dog (!) The fog died and she blamed dad. He's been gone almost 15 years. No one left to blame, but it's not her fault!! I do have to laugh. At least I never blame anyone else for the stuff that is mine.

@Solo glad you see better than before - all progress is progress. Hoarding Parent maintains that it’s a collection and not hoarding, refuses to recognise the extreme hoard.

I’m pretty sure we both have ADHD as we both struggle with executive function and regulation. I feel like I’ve accepted I have a problem though and therefore hope I can move forward and make my home better than before and easier to live in.

@KittyTalbot I need to check myself sometimes when I blame those I live with, I have definitely also found things of mine I’d forgotten at Hoarding Parent’s house. I need to change a lifetime’s habits both learned and developed myself.

Had a refreshing conversation with colleagues recently though, where we acknowledged we all struggle to keep on top of all of the things.

Oh @Solo, that did make me smile about your DM!! My DM also blamed DF for the house being a tip whereas (with the benefit of hindsight) I'd say it was both of them prioritising other things. After they split up she still blamed him - said it was his stuff still cluttering up the house - 20 years on and she blames the 'after effects' of living with him...!

I tried the adult ADHD calculator and it was definitely pointing to me having it too - I do try to use the tips I've learned for helping DS with his executive function but it's so bloody hard to unlearn the 'coping habits' of a lifetime for me

The Sort Your Life Out programme really helped me in dealing with hoarding and the (lack of) organisation at home @FiniteSagacity - honestly, some of it was a lightbulb, I had had clearouts/ tidy ups before but realised that the house would never look tidy because I just had too much stuff. Lots of the decluttering tips really worked for me.

I couldn't get my head round Flylady @BlueSummerBaby! The website just seems too busy and cluttered for me - I've found TOMM very useful though and am (more or less) on top of the cleaning although there still aren't enough hours in the day and just need something similar to sort out the other aspects of my life: finances and food!

Does this count? I've just spent an hour going through my four email addresses on my phone (they're for different things so yes I do need them to keep incoming emails in the right 'channel').

I've a habit I want to lose. It's entering competitions, downloading handy lead magnets (excuse: 'it's free, it's useful info I'll find helpful, I want to learn how to make a lead magnet for my own business...' 😏), clicking yes to mailing lists ('of COURSE I'll read all their emails, they'll be very useful and relevant ...' 😏)

Scrolling through my inbox is utter chaos.

I'd missed a message from an actual client that had got buried in stuff.

I have now unsubscribed SO much!

🤗

JFDIYOLO It certainly does count! Too much stuff is too much stuff, wherever the clutter is.

Ooh, KittyTalbot I might have a look at the adhd thing.

JFDIYOLO yes, that definitely counts. I started going through mine last year and seemed to pick a grain of sand off the beach with it. I also have unsubscribed to loads of things. I had folders to put them in. And at one point made a folder called 'unread' so that I wouldn't miss out on any subscriptions I'd signed up to. The truth is, I just wasn't ever going to read them all. And as it happens, I've just realised that I've still got loads of unread subs in my unread folder! I found that by mistake.
I'm sitting here when I should be sorting out. I have an alarm technician coming on Tuesday! I'll probably end up changing the appointment again!!

@Solo the ADHD screening I used was this one, if it's useful! I strongly suspect DTS1 has ADHD to some extent - his teacher hasn't mentioned it but I know he is just too much for many people - too over exuberant, too loud, too much of a PITA. And yet he is such a sweet, kind, happy little boy - when he's not bouncing off the walls

He told me sadly yesterday that in class recently they each made a card to give to their best friend; he gave his to Alfie (who he thought he was besties with), but Alfie gave his to Bobby, Bobby gave his to Charlie and so on... no one gave him a card it's one of those ideas that sound lovely but in practice can go badly wrong! I can tell that he annoys FIL a lot too because he cannot sit bloody still, FIL is late 70s now and doesn't have the time/ energy/ inclination to deal with a child who can't sit quietly for more than 30 seconds at the time.

@JFDIYOLO my inbox has gone beyond redemption, I cannot be bothered to sift through 200K+ emails

Thank you KittyTalbot I'll have a look.

That's really sad for your Ds. Could you give him a best friend card from you? Would he appreciate that? My Ds is 25 and we are very good friends despite the absolute screaming banshee I was in peri menopause. He couldn't sit still either as a child (still the same), probably has undiagnosed adhd and autism along with half my family. But we appreciate one another now.
It's sad when grandparents are just too old to have the patience needed.

Well, I did put off the appointment until next week, but I can see kitchen floor for the first time in years, and goodness! It was rank!
More chipped cups, cracked bowls binned and other things in the charity bags. I gave one bag already, and I didn't look back! More to do. Two full bags waiting and a bag of rag in the boot of the car.
I've found a home for my hardly used pedal bin. I bought a bigger one better suited to my needs, so didn't know what to do with the other one. My Brother is having it, and some bed sheets that I don't want now. Will be digging some more out, and pillow cases too. Happy Happy happy. But I've literally scratched the surface.

Well done Solo, it's a good start.

Well done on making a good start there @Solo! Honestly I was so embarrassed by the bags and bags and bags of stuff I sent to the charity shop, but they were great about it, said it all helps them. I also got rid of quite a bit to the food bank - tins etc that I realised we were never going to eat - and some to the DC's school too, they were really grateful to have all the DC's old dressing up costumes. And yes, a fair amount just had to go in the bin

Thank you for your kind words about DTS1 he is such a loving little boy, but I can completely see that he can be a PITA with the not sitting still! My PILs are in their mid 70s now and it's just too much for them to have both DC at the same time, they much prefer to look after (lower energy!) DTS2. He had his own friendship issues at school recently too; he tried for months and months to fit in with the very sporty boys in his class, it was very hard for him as he isn't that sporty, but all the boys were very into football so he tried his hardest. Luckily a new boy started recently who isn't as sporty and he has made a new friend!

I'm just so exhausted at the moment, 95% of my day just seems to be plodding through the rubbish that always needs doing, I can't get any time to get ahead of myself how do people get through everything and have time to sit down in the evening and chill? What trick am I missing?! Plus I moved departments recently at work - my job hasn't changed, just moved to a different part of the company - and they seem to have forgotten to pay me this month if I haven't received my salary tomorrow I'll have to chase them up!

Solo well done on finding the floor. Clean floor and sink makes the rest a lot easier to deal with. It sounds mad but take pleasure in what's bean uncovered and cleaned, it's very visible progress but easy to forget. Congratulations on the donated and disposed of items. The more you do it the less hard it becomes.
I more than relate to the 'literally scratched the surface' especially when there's storage as well, but repeated 'scratching of the surface is the important start and change of habits that leads to the bigger things.

I think ASD in females presents more so much more subtly externally that its easier to be missed, your family may be right.
DS says he come across so many girls in schools that he wishes he was at a level to have the power to send a note home saying 'Dear parents, have you considered an assessment for DD if only to alleviate the constant trouble for low level issues? It's ruining school for her!'

Hope the alarm tec visit happened ok and without too much discomfort.

Kitty also congratulations! Both for successful disposal and for releasing things for other people to use and have joy out of.
Decades of DC's that struggled for friendship, one through ASD and one through severe head injury, while the rest no problem, and people only wanting to be involved with the others. There's little that can be done for DD's situation except try to create superficial friendships, but Ds developed genuine friendships through home ed in the end.

Only way I know to make additional time, is either not do something, or seriously lower the standard of what's done. Just kicking it down the road though.

Currently only able to join in via 'de-cluttering jobs' in overloaded work pile. Next two weeks is insanity, but the chance to survive if I can make each deadline.

I did the ASD screener, miserably high result. Long suspected but Dr feels physical disability's enough to be getting on with.

One piece of great news: Finally come to the end of a very long miserable and exhausting battle with HMRC that's run for years. I've been demanding the case go before a judge. Warnings it could mean prison. Said an HMP sabbatical with my accounts, would give me time to prove their mistake, and the compensation was much needed.
They don't seem to understand that threats of imprisoning the exhausted while providing a roof, food, and a rest, no longer fills with the fear intended.

They sent out yet another factually incorrect letter and I went through the motions of pointing out the ridiculousness of what they were saying. Transferred to someone who said it was a bit troubling, and asked for time to review it.
Within a few hours it was reviewed and after years of stress, dismissed!!!

Just waiting for verbal "I am dismissing and closing your case today" in writing.
So many boxes of paper will be able to be thrown away when I can get to it.

@Elleherd no, alarm is still beeping in my hallway as I postponed the appointment until Tuesday.
I'm kind of slacking today.
Will come back to answer etc. later.

Afternoon everyone, I'm trying to get back into the thread...I've been AWOL for quite some time. I need to spend some time later reading all the updates, so bear with me! We'll done @Solo on your success with the kitchen floor 🙂 I've got a lounge area floor to sort and I just need to get on with it tomorrow. Its just covered in random crap and I have to step through it to get to things, often hurting myself or breaking something important. Embarrassing...I literally can't find ANYTHING in this place.

My ds13 told me to focus on the sink today bless him, so I've done that and it's clear of stuff for the first time in months. He helped me put everything away once washed and I've cleared the worktops (the cupboards and drawers are a totally different matter, but I'm leaving that until another day!). The tiles need some baking soda or something, so will see what I can do...but it feels so nice to not have to wash a cup because I need a coffee...

HMRC are an absolute pain in the neck @Elleherd 😫 Im also in a bit of a battle with them, so I feel your pain. Frustrates me no end that they want to create problems and hassle normal hard working people, but when it comes to some of the big businesses they can get away with anything! Good luck with the workload over the next few weeks...just be sure to rest when you can as it sounds pretty overwhelming.

@KittyTalbot sounds like you've made great progress, but understand it all feels pretty relentless. I don't know how people do it either, BUT I am focussing on doing a bit at a time with a plan to make sure I keep the kitchen worktops clear and pack away the washed dishes every evening. That's going to be my non-negotiable thing. Then when I've completed an area I will have some wine and do something nice, watch a film...long bath, read...whatever! I'm back on day 1 really here, but this is my big plan 😅

@JFDIYOLO that sounds absolutely amazing! What a great thing you've done.. I have the same chaos in my work and personal inboxes....not to mention all the bloomin photos on the phone! When do people have time to go through all this stuff?! 😕

Woohoo Elleherd what amazing news about HMRC - I imagine that is a huge load lifted. I’m so pleased for you and hope the final letter comes through quickly!

And Solo brilliant progress.

No good news to share, I’m fed up and overwhelmed and longing for a pause button. Plus ça change.

3 King sized sheets and 1 pedal bin donated to my brother. One virgin media box to recycling centre.

@Elleherd yes, well done. But this should never have happened to you. I recently went over to UC from TCs and I have to say, it scares the crap out of me.

Will return

Waves encouragingly to Valhalla17 keeping the sink in good order is definitely good for a healthy mindset.

Miaowse I so know the feeling of needing a pause button. May something change for you soon.

Solo well done on flexing those de cluttering muscles.

I may have spoken too soon over HMRC. Have received a letter that acknowledges where I am now which they were disputing but have now accepted, but doesn't acknowledge canceling prior disputed fines, and says they will continue to charge penalties and interest, despite what was said on the phone.

Contractors supervisor has finally turned up!
New orders, some rooms have to be totally emptied including carpet, as they now need to take up the floorboards. They were expecting it to be done for Monday.

Their answer to doubtful, was everything can just be put in the garden under tarpaulin and anything I hadn't done they "can chuck out there." Issues of reliability over turning up didn't go down well but have negotiated for mid week.

Have had to bite the bullet and lash out on more bloody storage 🙄and somehow now have to move everything while still completing work deadlines, which means trying to sort out everything correctly, so everything I need for what I'm immediately working on, (lots) doesn't end up going to storage, but everything needed for what I'm making next week, does, but stays instantly accessible, and I still manage to make everything I have to, and to expected standards.
To top it all, parking including pick up and delivery is suspended and road about to be closed to traffic.
I know it's my own fault for having too much stuff, and too complicated a life, but just Arghh!

About to start packing...

Good luck Elleherd and I hope they arrive when they should.

A question for you all -
Are shelves normal?

I know people have them but people also have things they don't need like junk drawers and chaos understairs cupboards and garages so full they can't get the car into etc. So are shelves a normal part of a non-hoarded home's organisation or are they basically an admission of having too much stuff?

I'm using them to get stuff off the floor but I'm wondering if it's just another form of churning the hoard. I'm trying to understand things better that's all.

I've noticed new homes don't come with shelves so wondered if they're considered old fashioned or if they only exist in cluttered homes. Being a hoarder for so long I feel like I don't know what is normal any more.

BlueSummerBaby
IMOdefinitely still a 'normal part of a non-hoarded home's organization.' Check out how many Kallax units and Billy's IKEA sells for how normal shelving is.

But, how many, and just how much is on them, is probably 'an admission of having too much stuff.'😊But it's also an 'admission' of being a keen reader, music lover, creative, working from home etc.
Large number of similar items, displayed and maintained, especially books and vinyl, are considered a collection, and socially acceptable. (unless really excessive)

Some is to do with ages/ stages, and currently seems there's more expectation on people to need/ hold onto less and downsize generally as they age.

Driving past expensive spacious houses, they still have shelves as well as more modest homes around here. I have a feeling houses used to come with built in shelves more in the past as free standing shelves were more expensive solid affairs that only those who inherited stuff would have when first moving in? Shelves are cheaper these days, and modern houses and flats smaller, so when presented for sale, showing maximum available space can make them more popular and leave more layout choice, is my thought.

IMO 'churning' from boxes or floor etc onto shelves, is a very good step towards having a normal home even if there is a level of churning in doing that. It's part of organizing possessions, having clear floors and being able to clean all parts of the floor in every room at all times. The trick is to then keep sorting through the shelves rather than warehousing the contents. (remind me I said that please!)