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Housekeeping

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The Hoarders Anonymous Thread #7. Keep On Keeping On!

946 replies

Solo · 10/10/2022 22:04

We are a mixed group of likeminded householders that are leading somewhat challenging lives; be that living with too much 'stuff' that we find difficult to deal with, houses that are falling apart (mine included), health issues within the family unit, wider family, or ourselves (myself included) that means sorting out our households is challenging, to say the least. So...

You are all welcome to join us for support, adding your own ideas to help others out, storage ideas, and even tips on actually getting those items out of the house which sounds so simple when you say it, but this part can be so very difficult; we are often attached emotionally to our 'things', afraid of letting things go just in case we need them.
Encouragement and support abound here, and we do not criticise. EVER! We even try not to criticise ourselves as it's not helpful to anyone, but this can be very difficult not to do.

If you are feeling overwhelmed by clutter, mess, disorganisation and generally don't know where to start. If you can't be bothered, but really do want to be bothered. If you think you are a bit lazy, or if you just need to see your highs and lows and everything in between on the screen here, join us, and we will help you. We'll virtually high-five your achievements - small or large, and virtually hug you when the need arises, and if you want a hug, just ask because we are here for you, here for one another because we get it. The art of washing up is sometimes our great achievement of the day, but it's still an achievement.

Welcome to thread #7 of Hoarders Anonymous - Keep On Keeping On!

Thread #6 HERE

OP posts:
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Miaowse · 20/12/2023 08:46

That description of choosing between the stuff and your loved ones is very powerful BlueSummerBaby and almost feels as though it could trigger a shift in my perspective - I truly hope so, as I need something to change.

The tree will be assembled before Christmas but so much clearing needs to happen first (notice that passive voice… in truth I need to do it).

I prefer a real tree too but often leave it too late to pick one up so we have an artificial tree for back up (the one in the box in the corner!). I saw some real trees in a big Asda this year and I’ve noticed in previous years that Homebase/B&Q reduce their real trees heavily in the last few days before Christmas. Any of those near you Elleherd? Often they aren’t easy to get to.

I need to get to work so I hope today is a good day for everyone.

JFDIYOLO · 20/12/2023 12:35

Thankyou @BlueSummerBaby

Elleherd · 23/12/2023 13:53

JFDIYOLO afraid I’m in agreement with Blue Summer Baby that he has to want change before change is likely to be anything positive, along with the need to declutter at one’s own pace. Like most, if pushed, my default is to panic and feel I need to keep because I can always shed later, but not the other way round.
Having the time I need is more likely to result in me letting go.
I’d suggest looking at a cleaning and tidying exercise only. Making it very clear this isn’t about things going, (and mean it or you’ll destroy future trust) just tidying and cleaning. This is how I’ve worked with fellow hoarders in real life. I’ve gone in to help sort, organize and clean what is there – with no expectation anything will leave. It is their stuff. I take fresh sacks, newspaper, tape, labels etc as well as cleaning materials.
In the process I put what I believe might be actual rubbish ie: flyers, dirty newspaper, torn black sacks, broken boxes, and put to one side for them to decide if this is wanted? Never anything that might make them question my judgement. I then take with good humor the annoyance at me that of course it is rubbish and they aren’t that bad! (it allows subtle disposal practice as well as reassures that I really won’t remove without permission.) This may be much harder going when related to/in a relationship with the person as there’s bound to be all sorts of previous and mistrust to be overcome.
Lots of patience, not allowing things to be turned into arguments, short bursts, positive responses only, and accept the idea of the lions share of anything such as clearing up or cleaning, after, will fall to you. The aim is to make it all as uneventful, and un-negative as possible and leave the person in charge.

I’m cautious about expecting hoarders to prove their love by choosing relationships over what is the symptoms of a compulsive condition. My mother was told to choose. When it came to it, she just wasn’t able to do what was wanted, how, and when, by the authorities, so by default she kept the stuff, and let go of me. I hold no bitterness, but know others who do.

Miaowse Flowers recognizing what it all does to those whose space is being invaded is really important, but so is not ending up feeling too hopeless…

Yesterday I stopped working every hour for the next four days. Someone put out a message about a tree seller giving away unsold stock and have just picked up a lovely tree and got it into its pot. Feeling very lucky and hoping it will give the energy needed! Lots of large pieces of work having to share space but also much rejigging, going on here in the hope of making a good enough Christmas for all.

JFDIYOLO · 23/12/2023 18:43

Thankyou very much 🤗

FiniteSagacity · 23/12/2023 23:12

@Elleherd thank you for the thoughtful posts, they help more than you know. Feeling understood and solidarity 💐

I too have done almost nothing for Christmas as very stretched with both work and making urgent arrangements for hoarding parent. I also have to have a house guest who makes me feel judged (and invaded) on Christmas Day, ironically because I think there is envy because their situation is certainly worse than ours. Trying to be zen about it all.

Wishing everyone a very happy and restful few days with some moments that give us hope and light to carry us through.

Elleherd · 25/12/2023 10:26

Thank you Finite glad it has that effect. Good luck with the parent situation, and the judgy house guest. Amongst others, we have the 'expert in lowering joy' here, but they are very unwell dealing with disability for the first time, and silently scared, as am I silently for them, so... Wish you a calm Christmas.

This year, yet again, things will just have to be what they are, and make the most of it, but I'm giving as much consideration to what needs to happen to have things a bit closer to how I would like them to be next year, as I can.

(Starts with the inevitable considerably more de-cluttering, as well as either don't be working insane hours in the run up, and having to take large pieces of work home or see it coming and make better arrangements.)

Wishing all as good a time as is possible whatever you're dealing with.

Miaowse · 25/12/2023 14:11

Our tree is finally up, amidst the mess! Minimal presents for the adults, thank goodness, but so many new toys to add to the chaos...

BlueSummerBaby · 25/12/2023 15:17

Well done on getting your tree up miaowse the tree is my favourite part of Christmas decorations

Sorry your mum was so badly affected by hoarding elleherd must have been such a difficult situation for both of you

Hope the judgy guest isn't too judgy finitesagicity

I woke up to a dead plant which Google tells me I've over watered. Everything else is running smoothly thank goodness. Luckily I've no difficult people here today for which I'm very thankful. Peace and love to any of you who are dealing with a more difficult situation.

Merry Christmas everyone! 🎄❄️🌟✨💚

TalkToTheHand123 · 26/12/2023 20:53

Living room too cluttered for me to have a tree. Maybe next year!

FiniteSagacity · 27/12/2023 19:12

@TalkToTheHand123 we didn’t manage a tree this year either. A mixture of limited space and limited energy. But it is something to aspire to doing earlier next year.

@Miaowse well done for getting your tree up though, it means more when DC are younger. My DC are teens and can see all the other things I’m juggling.

@BlueSummerBaby and @Elleherd judgy visitor was okay and DH agreed to limit the time they were here which was helpful both in making me feeling supported as well as the shorter visit itself. The original reason for limiting their visit actually went away but DH kept to the original plan for me.

I did manage to have a calm day in the end. I am doing the Take Your House Back course and will get more rubbish out over the next few days.

GlumyGloomer · 27/12/2023 20:28

Hello everyone, I got a bit overwhelmed with mental clutter and took to lurking for a bit.
Elleherd I've just started a list of things I want to remember when planning Christmas next year, and dreaming of being in a better place, both mentally and with the house.

Not a brilliant Christmas here, but OK. Kids liked their presents at least (which are not too bulky thankfully)
Thoughts now turning towards the new year, and resuming battle to sort the house out. We still have mice, which makes me feel very uncomfortable and stressed, and the laundry has backed up massively over the Christmas period, sigh.
Trying to resist sale shopping. I do love the sales, but realise things will never get better if I don't stop bringing stuff in...

TalkToTheHand123 · 27/12/2023 22:43

Hi all. I managed to fill two black bin bags from DD7's room. It looks a little better. I'm more impressed with the level of motivation.

I've started listening to hypnosis for weightloss and may somehow have helped. I may do one for tidying. Hopefully the start of a good tidying habit and not a one off. Time will tell.

Miaowse · 28/12/2023 00:01

Ooh @FiniteSagacity I’m really interested in hearing more about how you’re finding the Take Your House Back course. I so nearly signed up last year. Maybe I should bite the bullet and just give it a go. I love all three women who run it.

I can take no credit for the tree as DH & DS sorted it between them though they just squeezed it in amongst the clutter. Excellent your DH was supportive re: limiting the visit.

Hello again GlumyGloomer and commiserations on the mice, what a pain. Laundry is never-ending here too. I am trialling a cheap pair of cotton (Turkish?) towels that are much thinner. I’m impressed so far - quicker to dry (and take less space in the machine). Your final sentence resonates too. I don’t generally buy a lot, but have treated myself to a few new things in the sales. I got some boots but I’m having a dawning awareness that I ought to return them…

TalkToTheHand123 2 binbags is fantastic! I’m intrigued by the hypnosis idea - if you find a good decluttering one please report back if you find it helps with a mindset shift.

Elleherd the situation with your childhood/mum sounds very difficult and traumatic. You strike me as a very compassionate person, wise and kind to other posters on here. I always get a lot from your posts, so thank you for your generosity in sharing your experience and advice. I hope you’ve managed to have a peaceful and relaxing Christmas. Flowers

it is tricky to scroll back in my phone so hellos and back pats to everyone else, flowers and shiny stars all round.

TalkToTheHand123 · 28/12/2023 10:18

Aww @Miaowse will do.

I've done a little more in DD7s room. Half of the remaining clutter is clothes.

GlumyGloomer · 28/12/2023 12:08

Great job on dd's room, @TalkToTheHand123 . Mine is also 7 and getting her to part with anything is a mission. She has a big room but it still feels cluttered. That said I have 2 crates of books in her room that I still need to deal with, sigh.

GlumyGloomer · 28/12/2023 12:15

Thank you, @Miaowse , and I didn't mean to make you feel bad about your new boots. Is there an old pair of shoes that could go out instead? Nice new boots are a thing of utter joy. Sorry, I'm not helping, am I? 😅
I currently have 2 pairs of wellies, a short pair that I can wear with any of my trousers, and the old longer pair that will only go over leggings/fitted trousers. I know I should ditch the old pair, but they are sparkly pink and I adore them, sigh. It all just about fits on the shoe rack so I've left it as is for now.

Miaowse · 28/12/2023 14:01

It was a welcome wake up call! I haven’t actually returned them yet, so we’ll see…

Sparkly pink wellies definitely deserve a place on the shoe rack (and well done for having a shoe rack in the first place!)

Miaowse · 30/12/2023 15:41

Boots returned Halo

Elleherd · 30/12/2023 16:12

Was doing a big clear up of frankly limited space here so I can get on with work load before ending up on MN instead! Xmas Blush

Work space is unhelpfully not open for another fortnight, and clear up and restart working should have been done yesterday.
Very difficult here as someone with serious health issue staying, and ferrying still recovering from broken legs aunt and cats all over the place. (All the work on her wall has visibly failed, though ceiling held and nothing I can do right now.)

Also trying to assess and plan exactly what I need to achieve, and if there’s any areas I might reasonably cut corners, as have so much to do and its all so labor intensive. At the end of it I will know if I’ve survived financially for the year ahead, and hopefully that those I contract from have as well, as CoL crisis is hitting many of my work sources which is scary.

All Christmas wrapping has gone into recycling and taken to recycling bins.

BlueSummerBaby My mother fell to full on squalor hoarding, (cue my addiction to cleaning products!) and additional problems regarding being a mother, none of which I'm sure she chose, but yes, impossible situation for all.

A well decorated tree is a major source of joy for me too. Star Xmas Smile Star

Miaowse thank you for your kind view of me. Childhood was just unfortunately mainly grim, but it did give me a different lens on the world if nothing else.

Been an odd but ok Christmas so far, but thanks to both work and visitors, it's going to be an extended one. We celebrate the 6th here, followed by critical deadlines all that week, so 13th/14th is the first sensible chance to get the tree down in an organized way, and I’m determined it will be organised this year! (you can laugh at the reality later!)
TBH the tree is squeezed in here too. Hope you are enjoying yours and Christmas season is pleasant regardless of anything.

TalkToTheHand123 two bin bags out is excellent progress. Well done!
Intrigued as to any possibilities of hypnosis helping with hoarding. I used to wonder if I could be hypnotised into being a minimalist, but came to the conclusion hypnotism probably has it’s limits!

Glummy Lurking's fine, as is whatever people need to do. It’s the lovely thing about this thread. Sympathies over the mice situation, it is stressful.
I find having a plan, even if half of it ends up changing, helps me raise, not sink.

The ‘won't get better till one stops bringing it in’ is one of the learning curves, along with the taking things out. But I'll admit to buying some entirely unnecessary small glass tree ornaments in the sales, on the grounds of the quiet happiness they bring and will continue to bring, and the small amount of additional space taken... as well as better decoration organisation that pleases my soul… Agree with miaowse about sparkly pink wellies and shoe racks! Also not helping! Xmas Grin Having said that I had to previously go cold turkey completely to get to the point of being more sensible about what can and can’t come in.

Finite Good to hear your husband is being supportive and glad some of what was worrying you didn’t happen in the end and things were calm.
Another one really interested to hear about the take your house back program and what you find works from it. (or not for that matter)

Right, no more excuses, back to clearing and then: working!

Elleherd · 30/12/2023 16:13

Oh hang on:
Well done Miaowse! Star Star StarHalo StarStar Star

TalkToTheHand123 · 30/12/2023 19:47

@Miaowse I've tried a few of the hypnosis sessions a whils ago. They are all basically just someone talking calmly about the benefits of doing what you want to achieve. It puts you in a relaxed state of mind and better headspace to do it.

I'm finding planning time to just listen to relaxing music for about half an hour settles me. Its also good just before sleep as gives me more energy after waking up.

FiniteSagacity · 31/12/2023 00:12

I had a bit of a purge day after feeling completely stuck/overwhelmed on Friday so I tackled a scary space and a car boot full has gone to the tip/recycling. I didn’t quite do it as Dana says though, so must tidy up tomorrow.

Well done @Miaowse - executing on a return is huge.

@GlumyGloomer I have butterflies on my wellies, which make me happy.

@Elleherd glad you’ve found a few things to please your soul in amidst everything.

@TalkToTheHand123 - I like that the hypnosis before sleep means you have more energy, that sounds well worth a try.

Wishing everyone a happy new year 🍸

Nordicmom · 31/12/2023 02:44

Late Merry Christmas wishes to you all and apologies I’ve been absent for a long time , have been just reading since struggling with my health etc for most of the year . I’ve had a pretty miserable Christmas with Covid no one else thankfully got atleast their tests kept on being negative all along unlike mine although 2/3 others were definitely ill with something so most of our plans inc travelling got cancelled again . I did get a negative around Christmas Day ( although then a faint line the next day again ) so I was able to come downstairs for the first time in two weeks for the main Christmas meal and presents . I was wrapping upstairs and doing what I could from my room while ill but DH and kids had to do all the cleaning , baking etc physical stuff including fetching and decorating the tree for the first time ever without any direction from me . DS 18 y and DD 11y did a great job on the tree and it’s been a one thing cheering me up on the possibly second worst Christmas ever after the one I spent alone having a miscarriage .
I love my tree so putting it here 😊!
tomorrow we’re meant to be heading to MIL for NY to see DH extended family but I’ll have to see if I’m up to an overnight since I’m very weary after this virus especially because of my underlying conditions and I’m not at all get better . Don’t want the NY alone though or ruin it for my DH and kids so I will try to through some stuff in a bag and get into the car . Will take a pile of my own pillows etc to be more comfortable if I have to just retire to bed though …

The Hoarders Anonymous Thread #7. Keep On Keeping On!
Elleherd · 01/01/2024 11:48

Happy brand new year one and all! Star
Suspecting most of us here are going to have at least a couple New Year’s resolutions in common. Xmas Smile

Looking forward to hearing about the no spend/low spend 2024 folk and everyone’s achievements small or large. Knowing others are trying to improve related situations, makes it all a lot less lonelier and eventual success more plausible.

Trying to be sanguine that the first six months of 2024 here look to be continued firefighting and limping through to try and sort out all the situations we’re in.
Knowing that takes the shine off a little, but if I get it right, then come July/it should have created a position to be able to be making major changes, sort lots out and properly own my life! So delayed gratification and all that.

Launderette happened yesterday along with actual ironing! (tbh mainly to get some of it dryer!) Saw in the new year with more alcohol than was wise, then couldn’t sleep!
Now trying again to go through all deadline dates and create some order out of the chaos here as really struggling with what to prioritize given how much needs to happen in a very short time, but happen it must. Penalties for not are too high. Then jump into the actual doing of it!

Finite Sagicity Not sure what the difference between how you’re supposed to have done it and how you’ve actually done it is, but I assume from what you’ve said that it’s clearing up before you call it quits? But however you did it, you got it done, Well done!

Nordicmom Belated Merry Christmas! Sorry you’ve been sharing it with covid and things have been tough.
You’ve obviously taught the offspring well, the tree is very well put together and stylish. (Ours is an unrestrained mass of glittering color and light! Xmas Blush)
Slightly envious of the empty shelves behind it! Well done to DH andDC for getting on with the cleaning, baking and making of Christmas.
Hope your NYE/NY with the in laws went ok in the end.

Nordicmom · 01/01/2024 15:20

Thanks for the kind words @Elleherd . I’m a bit obsessed with clear surfaces they sooth me although I’m still in the middle of “ decorating “our new house and will have a few more items I like to look
at on the two sets of shelves on either side of the fireplace . This one normally houses another big vase but is in use atm . The bottom of the bookshelves / cabinet have doors on them and those have books in them since I like them contained there not gathering dust on open shelves . I still have a whole empty glass doored tall cabinet in the tv room with nothing in it since I’m not sure what I want to keep in it . After two back to back house moves in the process of moving to this house 2 y ago we decluttered a lot and this house is much bigger so we do have a lot of empty space and surfaces and not such full cupboards finally . There’s lots of stuff still remaining though and things going in and out endlessly with two growing kids so I’ll have to keep on doing this forever I know . I often feel like I could just leave with one bag of absolute essentials and be perfectly happy . DH has so many hobby related possessions and DD doesn’t want to let go of anything even a scrap of paper or a little rock . DS doesn’t have as much and he went through his whole room before leaving for university and doesn’t seem as tied to material things .
My problem in general is how poorly I am so just basics in life are a struggle every day . It’s lucky kids are older now since I don’t understand really how I managed everything earlier I guess I’m now much worse than then . All the extra projects happen in bursts and generally I’m just trying to keep it all moving along somehow .