The Hoarders Anonymous Thread #7. Keep On Keeping On!

[Solo]

We are a mixed group of likeminded householders that are leading somewhat challenging lives; be that living with too much 'stuff' that we find difficult to deal with, houses that are falling apart (mine included), health issues within the family unit, wider family, or ourselves (myself included) that means sorting out our households is challenging, to say the least. So...

You are all welcome to join us for support, adding your own ideas to help others out, storage ideas, and even tips on actually getting those items out of the house which sounds so simple when you say it, but this part can be so very difficult; we are often attached emotionally to our 'things', afraid of letting things go just in case we need them.
Encouragement and support abound here, and we do not criticise. EVER! We even try not to criticise ourselves as it's not helpful to anyone, but this can be very difficult not to do.

If you are feeling overwhelmed by clutter, mess, disorganisation and generally don't know where to start. If you can't be bothered, but really do want to be bothered. If you think you are a bit lazy, or if you just need to see your highs and lows and everything in between on the screen here, join us, and we will help you. We'll virtually high-five your achievements - small or large, and virtually hug you when the need arises, and if you want a hug, just ask because we are here for you, here for one another because we get it. The art of washing up is sometimes our great achievement of the day, but it's still an achievement.

Welcome to thread #7 of Hoarders Anonymous - Keep On Keeping On!

Thread #6 HERE

The worst corner is now complete. It still has too much stuff in it but I can honestly say my entire home is now at organised hoarder status - there's no chaotic bits left. This maybe doesn't seem much of an achievement but it means there's no obvious dumping ground to put things until I've figured out where they can go. Which is going to force me to think about that before I aquire anything. The answer is going to be the same for quite some time - there's nowhere, it's all full. I'm so happy to have achieved this in time for Christmas.

For 2024 I'm going to have the focus on what I already have, instead of what I haven't got. I need to ask myself more questions. Like why do I want to eg buy this book, what's wrong with the ones I already have? Either the answer is "nothing" and I'm being a bit greedy or there's a particular reason to declutter something I already own.

It's going to be hard and I don't know how far I'll get. If I'm in exactly the same situation next Christmas, with no increase of the hoard, I'll consider it a win. Any decluttering improvements will be a bonus.

SingToTheSky

well done on the skip , just a quick heads up it’s always best to ask for a builders skip as they are usually twice the size , but not twice the price , they are much taller.

Thank you that’s good to know!

I have done no more decluttering. Other life stuff taking over!

@Elleherd I've often thought the same about me burning the candle at both ends... DP doesn't seem to realise that I'm up till (very) late cleaning/ tidying/ sorting, then get up about 15 minutes after him! About my parents, it's strange, both of them came from families who had homes with minimal clutter and which were kept neat and tidy (although both sets of grandparents lived through WWII, maybe that had something to do with it?) - but DM and DF both like 'stuff' yet never get round to sorting out or putting away 'stuff'. My issue is that I also like owning things but end up with way too much it's in boxes/ cupboards/ the massively overcrowded loft rather than in the way, but it's still there...

@GlumyGloomer all my stuff is going to charity shops/ the bin/ recycling/ a small bit to friends with younger DC - none of the things I'm getting rid of would fetch much on Vinted and I just don't have the headspace for organising it at the moment. My DC are the same with toys, give them a box of toys they haven't so much as looked at for years which is about to be donated, they will swear blind these are their favourite things ever that's really handy with your parents now being nearby, mine are a couple of hours' drive away and couldn't physically look after my DC anyway. PIL will do what they can but can only handle looking after one DC at a time, fair enough as PIL are in their 70s and not in the best health.

@BlueSummerBaby I'm trying to apply the same principles to (not) buying things next year, I have plenty of clothes/ books/ toiletries, but it's easy to stock up on more when we just don't have the room! I'm still decluttering one box per day from the loft, there will be bits that have to go up there but a lot less, and in vacuum bags so I can see properly what I have. There will also be a handy box of 'books I want to read' so I can just take something quickly, then send it off to the charity shop when I'm done. In an ideal world I'd be soooo organised that I'll have a summer and winter wardrobe to swap over as well but that's not going to happen till I've lost enough weight to actually fit in half the clothes
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@SingToTheSky I know well what you mean about life stuff, as well as Christmas we have family birthdays in December, it's non stop!!

My issue is that I also like owning things but end up with way too much Blush it's in boxes/ cupboards/ the massively overcrowded loft rather than in the way, but it's still there...

Totally relate to this, Kitty and it's made me realise that because it's not easily accessible (well, it is, but other things are more accessible) I don't use them. There's literally no point me owning them then. I won't get rid of things I can use, but I do need to be ruthlessly decluttering and not replacing things. If I'm not using stuff because it's not convenient then I need to own less, it's as simple as that. I hope having these realisations will help me.

@BlueSummerBaby the charity shop collected five bags for life of stuff from me today, some saleable, some going straight to the 'cash for clothes' section to make them some money that way. This was in addition to the dozen or so bags I gave them a couple of weeks ago. That's around 15 bags for life of stuff that I haven't even noticed has gone!! I just have/ had way too many things

(Also a couple of bags have gone to the foodbank - toiletries etc - it's ridiculous amounts of stuff that I won't even miss!)

Back in the loft today to tackle my daily box. Sigh. One corner is looking slightly clearer, that's the best I can say. I reckon I'm maybe 1/4 of the way through it, what a depressing thought...

Hang on in there Kitty. I've been on this thread a couple of years, progress has been very slow because I needed to change my mindset a bit about what was worth keeping and what was realistically never going to be used. I was also using rubbish versions of things until they were dead beyond redemption before I'd give myself permission to use the new and better version I'd bought, so I needed to stop doing that too and declutter a lot of things I'd already replaced.

I'm getting better at letting go though and I'm acquiring less. Finally I've reached this point. Now I have to hold firm and not acquire things without making space for them first by removing something else. You'll get there too.

I used to have boxes and bags of toiletries piled up in a corner of the bathroom. Now they all fit in the drawers and round the edge of the bath because I've been using up more than I've brought in.

You'll get there with it all, don't get disheartened. I found it takes a while to see progress because everything was crammed in so when it's ordinary-full it's still, well, full. So doesn't look any different except a bit tidier.

I found focusing on one room at a time helped. Although it takes me more than one pass through of an area to let everything go that needs to go. So I was dumping things from other rooms into this corner, then finding permanent and suitable places to put them or decluttering them, then filling the corner again. All the new things I brought in went into this corner too. It's been chaos for a long time. Then because it was chaos already it felt ok to dump yet more stuff there. I feel relieved now it's finally done and tidy. Organising it has been like two steps forward one step back, with the constant acquisitions.

This part of your post really resonated with me @BlueSummerBaby:

I found it takes a while to see progress because everything was crammed in so when it's ordinary-full it's still, well, full. So doesn't look any different except a bit tidier.

I'm going off the guidance from 'Sort Your Life Out' - at least 50% of my stuff has to go to make an actual difference! Plus as you say above, it's about enjoying what you have, trying to buy better quality in the first place so it lasts, etc. I try to channel my inner Dilly and think "Now Kitty, do you actually need ten spare bottles of washing up liquid, or could some of it go to the foodbank for other people to use?" - the answer is usually yes, I have far too much stuff and some could go

The loft is being cleared very, very slowly and I'm still doing a daily box - I now have a big bag of DVDs, one of bags, and a couple of bags of rags (for the clothes recycling) to be collected by the charity shop on Monday. They have already been twice this month - the nice man on the phone when I booked it chuckled and said "will we be back next week too? It's not a problem, we're very grateful for the donations!" and I thought er probably, yes

Bloody DP has taken to cluttering up my side of the bedroom though, now it's clearer!! He is far too lazy busy to sort out his own pile of stuff, so is just moving stuff to my space. It's all going in the loft as soon as I have room...

Ah, yeah, Kitty stamp on that! He wants his side decluttered he has to do it.

I'd be so mad he put his shite on my side I'd declutter it all for him! The whole lot donated/binned. He'd either not notice, which is a win for the house. Or he'd notice, get mad for 5min until I pointed out what a prick he's being for dumping his stuff on my clear area, like I'm some kind of skivvy who doesn't deserve to see the fruits of my labours and then he'd never do it again if only just to shut me up

Where things are haphazardly piled up, with gaps and poor use of space, 50% is enough to make a visible difference. But if, like me, you've been organising and reorganising for years to fit ever more into an already-full area, with every tiny speck of space accounted for, it's more like 2/3 - 3/4 that needs to go to see a difference.

You're doing really well on being able to let go so congratulations for that. Glad you've found somewhere happy to collect as well, that's so useful. I could never get rid of the washing up liquid stash like you have, I'd feel compelled to use it up. So for now I'm going for ordinary-full and considering that a win. Actually reclaiming some space is going to take a lot longer.

I've been surprised at how much I'm able to let go. I remember ages ago saying I thought I was done and just needed to use things up. Turns out I was wrong! It definitely does get easier the more you do it. I've been over some areas 5x and always found something to get rid of even if it was just something small. As it's Christmas I'm currently having candles as a treat. Some of them have been sitting around for at least a decade. In future, I'll keep a small pack of tea-lights in stock as an occasional treat. Then the basket currently housing all the candles can be used for something else. I used to get frustrated by small progress but now I feel like small but consistent progress is going to be my key to cracking this. I just don't feel like I'm a big progress kind of person.

I have to say @BlueSummerBaby that 50% won't be enough for me in some areas either! Poor DS1's room is crammed to the rafters at the moment with his stuff in boxes (waiting for DP to make his new bed and the room to be reorganised), boxes from the loft which have been emptied and will be going back up there, stuff in vacuum bags which will also be going back to the loft, and stuff that's waiting to go into vacuum bags... you get the picture!! I have two big areas left to do in the loft - books and Christmas stuff - but each will take me a good couple of hours, and I just don't have the time at the moment

I can definitely see an improvement in some areas, but the aim of using TOMM - once the declutter is done you can spend 30 mins per day on level 2 cleans and maybe 15 - 30 mins on level 1 - still seems utterly unobtainable

Rome wasn't built in a day Kitty. As an aspiring minimalist I can say it's going to take me years. I do FlyLady, she says you can't clean clutter and she's right. The daily and weekly routines make a difference though. As does decluttering when you can.

Checking in. I often think of it as a giant 3d slide puzzle. Stuff gets moved around and around, shedding bits and bobs until it hopefully all slots into some sort of sensible position. Today the kitchen laundry basket (I mean, just why?) was finally emptied, cleaned, relocated to dd1's room. Dd1's old laundry basket (a folding net one), is now have a trial run in the bathroom as a towels basket, but I'm not convinced that's a good idea either...
I probably need less towels, they don't actually all fit in the draws unless i'm behind on the laundry (always) but it's so hard to get rid of something useful.

@GlumyGloomer I vacuum packed some of my (old, ratty) towels as I couldn't bear to get rid of them either! Then a few months later realised that I was keeping them for no reason and recycled them. One less bit of clutter for me to sort!

I like the 3D puzzle analogy... I was never any good at Tetris and it shows

Kitty well done but be thankful for small mercies. I am extremely good at Tetris and it also shows.
I can create maximum density of items in any space, which normally helps minimize the visual effects of hoarding.
Of course as soon a someone else takes something out, they can't get the rest to fit back back in the space and that's when the trouble starts...

BTW anyone hanging onto tatty towels, bedding etc, dogs trust and similar are nearly always glad of them

@Elleherd oddly I tried charity shops/ animal charities with our old bedding and none of them wanted it... not sure if that says more about our bedding than anything else

I've taken tomorrow off work as I had annual leave left to use up, can you guess how I'll be spending my precious spare time?! Yep, I'll be up in the loft trying to finally finish the boxes... I'm really hoping to crack through all the book boxes and send a good amount to charity, plus catalogue what I have so I don't duplicate buy. That makes me sound very geeky, but between the physical books I already have (many unread as I can't get to them), the library and my Kindle books, I have plenty to read - which will come in handy for a low spend 2024!

Kitty I think 'cataloging' what you have, can actually help in lots of ways. I made a list of the ridiculous amount of cleaning materials I have, to try and alter my compulsive buying of more. It got me thinking more deeply about what was going on there.

Sorry you couldn't shift the bedding, Good luck with book clearing.
I'm still in stupid overwork every available hour mode, though the rate of delivery demand at least, should calm down a bit after next week, when I might start being able to look at the chaos it's caused here.

I’ve once again been absent from the thread for a bit. I hadn’t done a lick for Christmas and am completely behind with everything as usual. Dishwasher & laundry (aside from putting away laundry) are ticking over but everything else is chaotic as hell.

and all round.

Hello everyone, I need to read and catch up properly on the thread...but was inspired to delurk and say something given @Miaowse 's post above. Hope everyone is keeping well 🎄

I've not don't anything for several weeks now. My ds has been unwell, so ive spentost of my time making sure he is ok and then working/stressing/resting/procrastinating.

Tree is up but sitting within the chaos! I'm determined to get going again this afternoon and make some headway as we move into Xmas and New Year.

I hope your DS is feeling better very soon Valhalla17, always horrible when your kids aren’t themselves.

Well done on the tree! Ours is in the corner of the lounge in its box, along with the box of baubles (neither made it back into the loft this year ) Good luck for this afternoon, get lots done!

I don't know if it helps Kitty but people who sew often value bedding. They make mock-ups to check the fit on something they've designed, to ensure it's correct, before using whatever expensive fabric they have bought for making the final garments.

I have been surprising myself decluttering something I was convinced wouldn't need it. At the end of last winter I packed away all my winter pyjamas having decluttered and happy with what remained. This year I've ended up switching out most of them! Tops that are a fraction too small, things I unpacked thinking why did I keep this it's far too tatty, spare items that fit perfectly used to replace others that weren't the most comfortable. I'm now thinking that rotating what I use, across all categories of items, will speed up the decluttering as I gradually weed out the less than perfect. My perspective of what is good enough to take up storage space is obviously changing

@Elleherd my book clearing is done <whoops in joy> - I thought it might take me the whole morning, oh no, ALL DAY. I have a stack of books to go to the charity shop when they collect tomorrow and a bit of cataloguing left to do but on the whole, hooray, the loft is about a hundred times better!! Two boxes left to go of keepsakes from when the DTs were babies - I can probably get that down to one box - plus a couple of suitcases which are going to a friend, and that's pretty much it for my stuff.

@Miaowse I really hate putting away laundry I often end up with a pile of washed, dried laundry sitting there for days, pulling bits out as and when I need them...

Sorry to hear your DS has been ill @Valhalla17, I hope he's feeling better now? Everything falls by the wayside when my DC are ill, it's like that's the straw that breaks the camel's back for me; I barely cling on to keeping the house running when they're ok, add that into the mix and it's chaos.

I'll remember that if we have any further bedding @BlueSummerBaby, I couldn't think of what to do with it! I recycle/ Freecycle everything I can but the duvet defeated me TBH. We do have a few pillows which have seen better days so I may offer those around too!

Job for tomorrow (between a few hours of work) is dusting the living room, clearing a cupboard and cleaning the utility room. I'm trying to stick mostly to the TOMM schedule whereby apparently (at some point) all my cleaning can be done in half an hour per day and I'll have weekends free of all housework. Ha!!

Kitty well done! Some Sounds like you're managing a lot there. For general info, others who might be interested in bedding are homeless shelters, Xmas church refuges, and theatre groups (especially for panto season, community groups. Lots can be dyed and stuffing's often needed) I'm also addicted to stuff, but so little point when we can't/don't use it.

BlueSummerBaby Good call on those who sew for repurposing bedding.
It's so good to hear your mindset changes especially from another long hauler who knows how to 'pack it in tight' and '50% out not being enough.' Stopping acquiring was one of the big things for me (though currently having to again, for work projects) so hoping your 'no spend' 2024 goes well.

Glummy Yes to always a struggle to shed anything that’s actually 'useful.' I guess the question might be how much do I really use it, and could I easily replace it?

Valhalla17 Sorry Ds has been unwell, it always makes things harder. Well done on getting the tree up, hope 'clearing the chaos round it' went well.

(Not great) update: In total chaos here but have started on trying to sort it. Still working ridiculous hours but taking yesterday and today out to try and sort many things before situation implodes, stops me working, and destroys Christmas especially as contractors coming tomorrow! (Eeek!)

Workspace has closed down for three weeks in the middle of contracts, so big amounts of materials and large, part finished items, have had to come home to work on so I can meet multiple deadlines. A bit disastrous.

One deadline was Monday, (a V.large piece) so even launderette didn't happen on Sunday.
Really hard to see how Christmas is going to happen as also ridiculously behind here, Miaowse you're not alone. (also had promised aunt she can spend much of Christmas here as well if her healing legs allow, and I only managed to get baubles etc into drawers in spring/summer) Real tree needed here, but IKEA have stopped doing their tree offer so have to source affordable tree elsewhere and just nowhere to put it! Hope you get yours up soon.

Have lost the reins on so much right now, so trying to re-find them by making many lists of all the things that need doing to complete each piece of work, and each domestic issue. It's the only way I can clear my mind enough to keep going.

Lots of deadlines and not enough hours each day no matter how early I start.

Yesterday and this morning so far: bodge repair to what's left of fence before it collapsed completely. (remains of tree still across it!) Laundry done including duvets, beds remade, bathroom properly cleaned, and a lot of the kitchen done, along with hall/corridor floors, but in so much pain as a result. Have to sort out and clear so much today. I’ve done this so many times I know I have to be able to achieve it, but my body is telling me I can’t keep doing this.

Have managed to dispose of three small chests of drawers and lent a set of shelves out, to make room for workspace stuff. So a small win there.

Collected a large bag of recycling out of adult offspring's rooms & finished and decluttered a bottle of bleach so far.

We have a window of opportunity coming up - I have 10 days leave; five days away for Christmas, then we're home for another five.

In that time I'm aiming to get the 'office' sorted so we can move in his stuff that has been clogging the sitting room for so long.

It's a big game of Tetris unfortunately and actually encouraging him to part with anything is incredibly hard. But I can't go on not having use of several rooms.

The lack of access to clean has become a major issue for me - health reasons as well as the look of it all.

I've bought power mop, cleaning brushes, all kind of things ... But I can't get at the inaccessible areas to clean.

I'm visualising what good would look like - the two downstairs rooms clear of clutter, his stuff in his office in one place to sort through, a clean, nice smelling attractive space I can welcome family and friends to in the new year.

Can we do this?

Any attempt to make things happen are usually strongly resisted. I think if we don't do something now his heaps will be here the rest of his life.

Any tips on how to persuade, support, manage the mindsets and behaviour and reactions of a partner who won't do it himself?

JFDI I honestly don't think you can. It's like any other major lifestyle change - if a person doesn't really want to do it, it won't last. I know this isn't what you want to hear! And I have every sympathy with you. If it's getting to deal-breaker point I say tell him and hope he picks you over the stuff.

I see the support as more in the form of if he doesn't want to/can't face sorting through something, letting you do it instead and trusting your judgement. Being supportive if he seeks counselling or something and not complaining about the cost. Helping him make a decision about which of several similar items to keep. Letting him bounce ideas off you and listen while he works through things, with the result being he lets some of the things go. That sort of thing.

You can't do this by cajoling someone, I don't think. I expect he'll get defensive, resentful and may try to twist things round to make you the bad guy, if you try.

I've had people suggest eg I go minimalist and keep only my favourites from each category. (I would secretly like to be a minimalist with additional curated collections.) My response is always that the idea won't work because it'd mean getting rid of thousands of pounds worth of brand new and unused things, which I could realistically use and will one day. This idea is madness to me, considering I acquired the items because I wanted them and still want them now. It's akin to setting fire to banknotes. Which wouldn't make me feel better! Or secure that I had enough. The opposite, I'd feel bad for being wasteful and insecure about running out. It would trigger the urge to acquire more things.

I need to declutter at my own pace, coming to my own conclusions about what isn't useful any more, what will realistically never be used by me etc. Then I can let these things go, because they hold no value beyond what they're worth financially and in my current circumstances I'm not concerned with that. I'm happy for someone else to profit from my surplus.

Luckily nobody is in your position with me. It's all clean, tidy, organized and doesn't affect anyone else because nobody else wants to use the space my things take up. If it did though, I can't imagine choosing the stuff over my loved ones. I hope your hoarder feels the same.