The Hoarders Anonymous Thread #7. Keep On Keeping On!

[Solo]

We are a mixed group of likeminded householders that are leading somewhat challenging lives; be that living with too much 'stuff' that we find difficult to deal with, houses that are falling apart (mine included), health issues within the family unit, wider family, or ourselves (myself included) that means sorting out our households is challenging, to say the least. So...

You are all welcome to join us for support, adding your own ideas to help others out, storage ideas, and even tips on actually getting those items out of the house which sounds so simple when you say it, but this part can be so very difficult; we are often attached emotionally to our 'things', afraid of letting things go just in case we need them.
Encouragement and support abound here, and we do not criticise. EVER! We even try not to criticise ourselves as it's not helpful to anyone, but this can be very difficult not to do.

If you are feeling overwhelmed by clutter, mess, disorganisation and generally don't know where to start. If you can't be bothered, but really do want to be bothered. If you think you are a bit lazy, or if you just need to see your highs and lows and everything in between on the screen here, join us, and we will help you. We'll virtually high-five your achievements - small or large, and virtually hug you when the need arises, and if you want a hug, just ask because we are here for you, here for one another because we get it. The art of washing up is sometimes our great achievement of the day, but it's still an achievement.

Welcome to thread #7 of Hoarders Anonymous - Keep On Keeping On!

Thread #6 HERE

Hah sorry I’m on the wrong thread ! Meant to put this on the declutter one . This illustrates perfectly the state of my mind …

Hi all. I've been trying to not let house get worse, but please with garden. Managed to get rid of the 8ft trampoline so garden is much better and should be easier to keep on top of.

Massive bag of useless stuff taken out of the sideboard drawers and binned / recycled / in the tombola pile!

Trying so hard to stay on top of the kitchen which was thoroughly cleared, sounds so simple doesn't it....!

The trouble with having a clear area Defender is it becomes the obvious place to dump crap! You can keep it clear if you're determined. I find 5min daily helps. As does getting into the habit of putting things back where they belong when you've finished with them. It's so useful to have a clear area to being stuff into when you're sorting through it, gives you more room to move during that task. I hope your kitchen stays tidy and an enjoyable place to be.

Beautiful cold sunny autumn weather here would usually be very motivating but we have a stinking cold (tested negative, phew,) which has taken a week from our lives!

I had had quite a successful week - books, CDs, clothes, costume jewellery and kitchen stuff to charity, makeup and shoes binned, big glass recyc done, garden cleanup too, enjoyed doing it but can't really SEE a difference. What I still need to do is a big heavy duty GET RID.

If it were just me I'd hire a skip, but the KEEP IT tendency is strong in my partner.

When we're both feeling better and stronger I'll tackle again.

@Elleherd I know so well that flat and exhausted feeling after dealing with the hoarded stuff, part of it is all the emotions stirred up connected with all the reasons things have been neglected, it is for me anyway.
I've felt really low since I cleared out the kitchen, I think it's reminded me that I have to make big decisions, I don't want to stay where I am, in the flat I'm living in, long term even if I managed to clear every room, partly due to the years of neglect that I don't have the motivation to fix or the finances and finances are another big issue I will have to face next year, but........
what I really came to say is that, is it this Friday you have the contractors coming in? If so then I will be thinking about you and hoping all goes as well as it can and know only too well the stress we all feel during all the disruption, let me know how it went.

Running in to wave and say it's really good and motivating to see peoples progress! Well done everyone.
Am still totally run of my wheels with huge work load and deadlines all over the place.
Yes contractors are due tomorrow, but annoyingly just the one set, as my plan to get surveyors back on the same day as this lot, fell on disinterested ears.
Have moved lots tonight, and am going to be up early to get everything else that needs doing, done before they come, and then have to go straight on to work.
It is just churning on a big scale, no time to sort, but 'A rolling stone gathers no moss' so if nothing else it is an opportunity to clean areas that are normally occupied.

Inevitably tired and in pain, but taking my own advice to to make sure I got some sleep even if not much, and up very early to tackle what else needs doing, including work prep. Reminding myself that I got myself into this situation, so I can get myself out again. Onwards and upwards and all that.

Hope it went ok with the contractors Elleherd

I've mainly been focused on de-hoarding food. All those just-expired or coming-up-to-expiry-date items. Trying to avoid waste.

I find food waste is a huge issue here. H and I are both ADHD and we just absolutely suck at meal planning etc.

Popping back in having caught up with the thread 💜 I haven’t managed anything much at all since posting a few weeks ago about my marriage. I got a virus and even had to miss work which I haven’t had to do in this job before (2 years there) because it is so flexible and WFH. But I just couldn’t manage. I didn’t even leave the house between 7/10 and yesterday!

No progress with H finding anywhere to live but we are managing pretty well and just want to make it as easy as possible, focusing on getting space from each other rather than ending the relationship immediately etc. He’s being perfectly nice and sorting out lots of stuff to make it easier for me once he’s moved out, so I’m hopeful about the coparenting (someone asked if he’s working full time, no he has health issues and works fewer hours than I do but does some gentle volunteering as well) - he will still be around but he won’t live here. That’s the plan anyway. 🤞

So decluttering wise I didn’t manage any for a couple of weeks. But we are hopefully finally getting the skip next week as it’s half term and we have more time, my friend is helping me take stuff to the charity shop as well. I’ve finally felt ok to try and get rid of stuff today but I was so overwhelmed most of the day. There’s just so much stuff to sort through and when I look at individual items it’s too many decisions, there is so much tiny stuff mixed up.

But once I’d chatted with a friend I felt better and managed a bit. I went through some bags of textiles I’ve been bagging up after washing, got rid of some old blankets etc and then sorted the rest so all the bedding is in one bag and everything else is in another. Also rearranged some stuff on a Kallax unit to finally gather some like things into new baskets I got before Wilko shut.

Also discussed some stuff with H, we’ve agreed that the couple of bits of furniture we don’t need can go, because keeping them in the way until he finds somewhere is not worth it when we’d also have to pay to transport it (too big for a car) - it would probably cost more to hire a van/driver than to just replace this basic stuff and we don’t even know if he will find a furnished flat anyway. He’s also agreed I can start packing up his stuff which suits me because when I find something that’s definitely his I don’t really know what to do with it. So as I’m the one decluttering (necessary because I have far too much anxiety to let anyone else do it) I will pack up what I find of his, as well as a portion of stuff like bath towels etc.

Unfortunately I had to pause during some more decluttering and now I need to get littlest to sleep before tackling the rest because it’s all on my bed.

I am feeling motivated to try and get stuff done over the next few days because one day next week H is working overnight and I invited my friend over. I haven’t had friends over in the evening since pre Covid, and this friend has only been here briefly, so I want to focus on getting the living room, main bathroom, hallway and landing nicer. She wouldn’t judge me, she’s had big struggles with clutter and organising before, but she also understands that her visiting is an incentive for me to make things look nicer. We’ve had no reason to bother for ages and it’s made me sad so I feel better for having something to look forward to 💜 we all deserve that whether it’s in our home or not. I really relate to not wanting to be at home and I’m desperate to change that.

Oh gosh sorry for my essay 🤣😳

No need to apologise it's interesting reading what people have been upto Sing. You're doing really well at an emotional time. If neither of you is that devestated it sounds as though your marriage had come to a natural end for both of you. I'm glad the dissolution is amicable so far. You're so right about the furniture, people give away large items of furniture free or very cheaply because they don't want to pay the council to collect it. Also things like crockery are easy to pick up cheaply or second hand. He'll be eligible for charitable grants for some things I expect or else can get from British Heart Foundation cheaply. He could furnish a whole home from there, get the whole lot collected at once and van hire isn't too costly if you know someone who can drive.

Thanks Blue 💜 that’s a good point about grants, I’ll get him to ask around - due to all the community work he does (even his paid work is charity related) he’s pretty clued up on that sort of thing. We have a BHF and another charity furniture store in town too!

If I’m honest I’ve sort of stalled on the actually separating bit. Do I want to be with him forever, if I’m honest no, not anymore. But I don’t feel strong enough to do the full on divorce thing after 21 years of being together. I feel like it’s partly kicking the can down the road but I’m determined to be kind to myself about it - change is hard at the best of times and I’m autistic/ADHD too. So for now it feels safer (for my MH) to stay amicable and just focus on physically setting boundaries around my space and the life I want for me and the (also neurodivergent) DCs which aren’t possible while he’s here.

But anyway. In positive news, I have booked a skip!!! 🥳 We’ve gone for an 8 yard, which should have ample room once the old furniture etc is in. Possibly more than we can fill, which would be disappointing because money, but not as bad as if we ordered the 6 yard and then didn’t have room for other stuff. The plan is to chuck all the furniture (and a few other bits already earmarked to go) in on Monday afternoon when it arrives (DCs are helping along with DD1’s BF, then we are celebrating the achievement with a takeaway, obviously 😁). After that I’ll be trying to declutter as much other stuff as I can, which will be a solitary task, but I prefer it that way. I think DH will have to take youngest out while I do that.

I have decluttered quite well today, more random stuff bagged up for the skip and for charity donations. I’m still finding lots of decisions really hard but now that the skip is booked so binbags of clutter won’t be hanging around indefinitely it might be a bit easier 🤞

Sing just he careful about building up assets, if he has none you don't want to build up a good pension or savings and then divorce in 10years and have to give him half. Aside from assets, if he doesn't live there and you're not having dates/sex it'll be the same as being divorced anyway. Booking a skip is such a positive decluttering move, well done for having the strength to do it 🎈

Sing you are doing so well in difficult circumstances!
I'm another who says you have nothing to apologize for. We all have our own situations weighing down on us and being alone with them just makes everything more difficult and stressful. Being able to speak is one of the gifts of this thread.
It's a complicated situation and you sound like you are managing an awful lot really considerately to everyone. Glad you have a good friend who understands and can be a motivating factor as well as giving a hand.

Now you've made the decision, freeing both of you up as much as possible from excess stuff to have better future lives, can only be a good thing, and you sound like you're both laying good foundations for successful co-parenting in the future.
Congratulations on all the de-cluttering. Getting a skip is a massive step forward, well done! Hopefully the impetus to fill it to the brim, will help with the decision process.
As someone who can never retire, I have to agree with Blue that while you are obviously concerned to ensure that he is ok and his future works too, you do need to be a bit careful about were you place ongoing income and how this will affect your pension. A little financial advice about how exactly to continue forwards fairly to yourself (and the children) while remaining legally married but separate, might be a very wise thing to do. The world tends to be very unkind to working women further down the line.

Contractors came, took lots of bits of kitchen, bathroom, and hall apart trying to trace pipes and wires, leaving me with more repairs to make. Then decided they couldn't do what they came for as the building is so badly converted! They took lots of photos, so I'm relieved the amount of visible stuff was reduced. Apart from that, a big waste of time and energy and not enough time to easily fix what they've done, and get things back to normal.

All I'm managing here is basics. Just completely overwhelmed with work and trying to catch up with how far behind I am on so much of it.
Today has to include launderette, stuff at aunts and several bits of work before Monday to avoid missing deadlines and being hit with penalties. I need more hours in the day.

Living room and kitchen a little tidier although I'm wanting the kitchen to have a good clean as one or two flies hanging around 🫢.

I have the next two days off so hopefully can make some inroads soon.

Talk we’ve had some fly issues here too lately, so annoying!

Thanks Elle and Blue that’s a good point about finances, I’m finally paying a decent amount into a pension now. I’ve reached out to a charity that supports autistic adults with adulting like finances etc (I have before when I was ready to look for work and they were so lovely) so hopefully they can talk me through all this. H is older than me and I have spent my entire adult life with him so unlike him I’ve never done any of this stuff. Steep learning curve ahead but I’ve gained a lot of confidence in the last few years and I feel ready even if actually divorcing is a step too far right now.

Elle so sorry about the frustrating contractor visit. I think you’re amazing, you are basically having to project manage two homes at once as well as your health and work etc 💐 it’s a lot and no wonder you feel pushed for time. Be kind to yourself as much as possible!

Today has been productive. I’m now up to six laundrette bags ready for charity, and because they’re so heavy and my friend has a dodgy back, I have booked a collection with British Heart Foundation instead. Unfortunately that’s not until after half term but they were going to be in the way while the skip is here either way and I suppose this way I’ve got more chance to find stuff once all the rubbish is out of the way!

I have also gathered a lot more rubbish, I think I have about 8 black sacks ready now.

Oh and a big pile of bulkier stuff like DIY off cuts, kitchen appliances etc in the hallway. So there is loads of stuff ready to chuck straight in. Exciting!!!

What I’m really struggling with though is that layer of tiny items that seem to settle at the bottom of every Box/Bag of Random Crap. Tiny bits of Lego and other toys, board game bits, paper clips, pretty pebbles, pennies, crayons etc usually mixed up with a nice load of dust and dryer fluff.

I realised today that my autistic detail oriented brain (although I’m not like that in all areas, eg playing piano 🤣) is to blame for how hard I find that stuff. I really REALLY want to be able to look briefly into a box, pull out anything I know I need and then just tip the rest into the bin. But I can’t. Because even when on first glance I think 95% of a box can go, then I look at an item and my brain makes all the connections with where it’s supposed to be etc. But then I miss the bigger picture, which is that emptying the box is far more important than any individual bit of Lego or whatever. That it is NOT worth my time and energy to reunite every bit of a board game that hasn’t been all in one box for years.

I desperately need to change my thinking and focus on the bigger picture. DD1 amazed me earlier when she asked me to chuck a load of stuff for her - random crap in boxes that she reckoned she had pulled out what she wanted and she trusted me to give it just a quick once over before getting rid. I did, and managed not to check everything individually. Now I need to be able to do that with other boxes.

It’s not like I’m struggling over potentially valuable items really either. For example a while ago I gathered all half used sketchbooks into a box, but DD1 has several college ones anyway and I am not making time to draw right now because clutter takes over my life. So I checked DD1 is also happy for the spares to go and she is. Bigger picture - I want time and space for us to draw together, not a pile of sketchbooks that take up space and won’t get used because I’m too stressed.

I’ve found folders and envelope packs etc - so many times I’ve skipped past them in box sorting attempts because why on Earth would I throw away some perfectly good items?

Because my space is more important, that’s why. Do I feel horribly wasteful, yes. But I have to remember the fact that in all those situations where I need one of the things, whether sketchbook or envelope, I’m going to buy them anyway because even if I do remember I have some, I won’t be able to find it in the clutter. So either way they are going to waste.

I should add, although I’ve made good progress today, I have also felt incredibly overwhelmed, on the verge of a panic attack level overwhelmed. Having even less room to move with all the bags piling up is making me feel claustrophobic and all the decisions I’m making about all the items in my house are chipping away at my energy. I’m so exhausted and also feeling a bit panicky about my friend visiting because I’m not sure how much time or energy I’ll have to actually clean (especially the kitchen and bathroom which really need it).

Just an update from me. I’ve made real inroads into a spare room with clothes and bits and pieces in there. I’ve been clearing clothes, shoes, and also a gift drawer which I didn’t want to tackle.

What helped me was recently DB had to clear a room where he stores things in DM’s house as he has a new baby and this room is when him, SIL and new baby will sleep. So DB had to clear lots of stuff and seeing him do this really spurred me on, albeit in a different property.

I think it’s quite natural to feel overwhelmed, envious and panicky about doing this, especially if you read books on decluttering/hoarding as you’re getting rid of a security blanket.

However, even though people do store and hoard I don’t think they necessarily have ADHD/ASD tendencies (as one book says), I wasn’t like this at all when I was younger, but I think it’s very easy to slip into these habits but they can be broken (a few case studies are out there). Your DD finds this easier as she’s not got the way you’ve got.

I do recall in my early teens, I used to collect cards and postcards (pictures I liked) and had them hanging in my room in a Marilyn Monroe gift bag. That bag has long gone and so have most of the cards and postcards but I do still keep cards in a box which are spares for birthdays and special occasions.

I’m finally paying a decent amount into a pension now. I’ve reached out to a charity that supports autistic adults with adulting like finances

The charity hopefully can help you with basics but you're going to need a financial adviser/divorce lawyer to advise you on your specific finances. Otherwise that pension will be half his when you eventually divorce ie you're not saving as much as you think you are, because it's currently not all yours, it's a marital asset to be split upon divorce.

What I’m really struggling with though is that layer of tiny items that seem to settle at the bottom of every Box/Bag of Random Crap. Tiny bits of Lego and other toys, board game bits, paper clips, pretty pebbles, pennies, crayons etc usually mixed up with a nice load of dust and dryer fluff.

Trash, all of it, I'd put it straight into the bin

That’s what I want to do with it blue but it’s so hard. I’m not a sentimental hoarder, it’s all about “what if I need it” for me. So it feels like each of those items speaks to me and tells me it needs to be with whatever category etc.

I know those things don’t matter as a whole, but I get so anxious about missing stuff - what if there IS something I need in there and I miss it?! And then since I’m checking I end up looking at every item.

I’m going to try really really hard to just take a quick glance and then chuck it. I managed this a bit last night, just with Lego type stuff, but that’s big progress for me.

Thank you for advice re finance stuff 💐

Gonna I agree hoarding isn’t always neurodivergence related, I can link a lot of my difficulties to it though (I was diagnosed with ADHD and autism in the last 8 years). I find it really interesting how eg executive function difficulties make dealing with clutter difficult! DD1 is diagnosed autistic too and I’m determined to help her develop better self care/housework type skills than I have, I don’t want her to feel like I do. I do have trauma as well though which complicated things for me.

I sort of feel like I’m only learning a lot of adulting skills now - I went from a cluttered dirty home where I was abused (not by parents) and never learned to look after myself, into a 21 year relationship with a man who was marginally better than my parents at practical stuff but actually isn’t good at looking after himself either (because of horrific trauma). I made this transition via a spell in a psychiatric unit after a breakdown.

I can’t remember if I posted about it in here at the time but earlier this year I had to see my abuser for the first time in over 20 years due to a family funeral, and the whole experience has made me realise just how much my past has affected the trajectory of my life so far. Not that I regret it all because our kids are obviously amazing! But it’s been a huge and emotionally draining process, sometimes I feel stronger for it and can use it to spur myself on because my kids and I deserve a better future, other times I just feel so beaten down by it all.

I’m feeling quite wobbly this morning for various reasons, and that’s making me more anxious than excited about the skip arriving. That’s not till this afternoon (not sure what time) so hopefully I can gather some more stuff before then, but I am too exhausted right now. I will push myself a bit later though because I know that action precedes motivation!!!