The ADHD/ suspected ADHD/poor executive function/ generically disorganised and overwhelmed housekeeping thread

[MissKeithsNeice]

Diagnosed adhd. Medicated (hooray!). But no amount of medication can help me do anything when my dc and dh are in the house.

Dc are teens BTW

I work 4 days a week, term time only. On Fridays, I get shit done. Dh is also term time only. By the end of the summer holidays, the house us destroyed. Its just really hard to explain how bad it is.

Dh works really hard to keep on top of it but I'm just so messy that its an impossible task.

Today is my first Friday to myself for 8 weeks. I am so excited. Its going to take weeks to get this place straight but once it is, I'm getting a cleaner.

My magic number is 4 rather than 5!
Its hard to explain but I am not actually that good totally on my own, i end up indulging my latest thing or reading or jumping from task to task but if i can persuade someone to team up with me for cleaning or gardening or DIY i can keep going for longer. They have to be capable of working independently without needing constant help or instructions etc though. I think the fact that a helper means jobs get completed helps and i am too ashamed to sneak of to go on my phone etcif someone else is still beavering away. Just getting me started is often enough actually.
When all three kids are home it's more the mental burden of thinking about everyone's needs, conflicts, problems, laundry a and food requirements. One less makes all the difference to my head space!

Im following as i qm waitong for a referral for adhd, have child with autism, im following TOMM started this week really helping with organisation hoping i can stick to it thats the problem

@Soontobe60

Ok, so here’s my perspective as an SEN teacher. A diagnosis doesn’t actually have any practical use, and medication per set isn’t enough to bring about change. It can, however, enable children to have a window of opportunity to begin to learn strategies to overcome their challenges. So say, for example, a child with ADHD is not yet able to read at aged 10, we would work out the window of opportunity in a day where their learning is focussed and they are able to absorb new information; that is the point where we would immerse them in reading opportunities.

Applying this strategy to adults I imagine needs to follow a similar principle. Ie, you need to work out when the meds are at their most optimal for you, then use that window of opportunity to ‘learn’ how to look after your home. Nobody is born with housekeeping skills 🤣. Your children will probably have followed your example and your dh probably thinks housekeeping is women’s work!
Do you have a good friend who’s house is generally tidy? If so, ask them to ‘teach’ you how your family could keep on top of your home together.

For general household tips, I’d say organisation is key. Standing in the middle of a very messy room with a bin bag in your hand probably isn’t going to help much. Get yourself enough big boxes that there’s 1 for each household member. Put the items belonging to each person into ‘their’ own box. Give them their box and tell them to put their own stuff away in the correct place. Look at what’s left in the room. Put any rubbish into black bin bags immediately, have 1 box for charity and 1 box for ‘isolation’. This is the box where you put things that you don’t know if you want to keep, throw or donate. It stays in that box out of the way for at least 6 months. If after that time you’ve not had to go into the isolation box, then throw the whole box away - don’t start sorting it out again.
Tackle 1 room at a time - the kitchen is usually the best place to start as this is where we usually have too much clutter.
Good luck!

This is the biggest load of rubbish I've ever read from someone who doesn't actually know what the f&@k they are talking about. It makes me furious actually. I am medicated and so is my child, and to say that it's pointless other than to be a bit more focussed is naive and misleading. And to say that diagnosis is useless is also the worst snd most damaging thing I have read.

Please inform yourself via qualified adhd psychiatrists and mental health specialists and not your own opinion.

I relate to the inability to function with other people in the house. I get to be at home alone approximately never! @BilboTheBurglar I feel your pain. If I do manage to book a day off - DH just happens to do the same. Or a child needs to isolate…
Of course one of the reasons my kids are never invited anywhere is because no one is ever invited here and so one of the many downwards spirals begins.

Thanks OP for the thread. Good to share other’s experiences and have a little rant!!

My son is waiting for a diagnosis and while reading up I recognised some traits in myself . I am sort of relieved that my untidiness and disorganisation may have an explanation as I really do try sometimes. I envy my friends who effortlessly seem to be able maintain beautiful clean and tidy homes .

@MissKeithsNeice

He's doing his best, but is just so messy and finds it very difficult to get rid of stuff

@Littlelightchink

There's a lot of guilt in my inability to chuck stuff. I'm awful with money and just buy a lot of shit related to whatever it is I'm obsessed with at that moment. Eg my daughter wore a pink merino jumper I bought off ebay and looked awesome. Cue me buying another 4 pink merino jumpers, also off Ebay. Then I can't chuck them cause I feel so much guilt about the money spent. Another thing I have 10 million of is storage boxes. So many times, I've decided I'm going to get sorted and bought loads of boxes. By the time they arrive, I've moved onto the next thing and lost interest. Bicrs are useless to me anyway- I've literally never put anything away in a box I've designated for that purpose.

I read that adhd people need labels not more boxes. I've spent more than one night designing custom laser cut vinyl labels online but then never followed through buying them.

Thank you for writing my post for me I have no space for the mountain of boxes collected that remain resolutely empty of the mountain of —crap—‘bargains’ bought to try and convince myself that despite a very tight budget ( whatever that is) I’m thrifty. No I’m not and I could have paid a years worth of utility bills with the money I’ve wasted I have no room for either the boxes, or the ‘bargains’ and have begun eyeing all that lovely, clear and wasted space on the ceiling, which strangely enough, has a very calming effect...... The only real positive is that dancing my way round it all has made me remarkably fit and flexible for my age!

@MissKeithsNeice - Would it motivate you to sell the good-condition/new stuff on eBay/Facebook Marketplace and keep a running total of how much you''ve made?

Maybe your DH could do the listings for you if you'd get distracted? All you need to do is round it up and maybe help packing and posting?

I know that delays it leaving the house, but it does also seem to spur DH on - we have a shared list of 'stuff we've sold' and proceeds go on something that doesn't take up space - eg coffee and cake out, buying Premium Bonds getting my nails done as compensation for living with Mr Messy 😂.

I get frustrated by organisation tips - things like TOMM or Fly or suggestions from well meaning people about what works for them.

The thinking and planning behind it is easy IMO. everything has a place, put it back there. Train family to do likewise. Do littlr and often with cleaning etc etc. One in, one out and all that.

My problem is that I am I'm physically incapable if doing that. And when I say physically - thats exactly what I mean. My legs go to lead, I just need to sleep. Wiping the kitchen surfaces - its like fireworks are going off in my head its that difficult.

Before I read about ADHD, I just kept trying to push through that. I just thought I was lazy and shit. I'd try so hard and fail and just get really distressed and hysterical. Which would then lead to huge cycles of shame and depression.

After reading about ADHD, I tried lots of little hacks, which has helped but biggest thing for me has been just acceptance. Sure, my house is a shit tip, but it was such a relief not to suffer the distress/depression by trying to make things any different.

I've been medicated for 15 months now and that has helped a lot. I can clean and tidy when I'm on my own. But my capacity to live tidily between my those times is non-existent.

Last week I woke up early and got half an hour of cleaning done at 5.30am. I'm going to try that again this week. Having that extra time on my own before work felt really good.

@Littlelightchink I reckon half the junk in my house is stuff I keep meaning to ebay

I got rid of quite a bit of it yesterday- I've been keeping stuff for 10 years. If I was going to ebay it, I would have done it by now. Thinking I can recoup some if my loses is what is stopping me getting it out the house.

Likewise children's books I've been keeping so I can take them to my school. I go to my school four days a week and yet never ever take them so today I just put them on the book collection point at the tip.

Ooo...I hadn't considered that when my husband is in the house with me it screws with my executive function. But yes, if he's in during the evening, I flop on the sofa. If he's out, I actually manage to tidy and clean things in the kitchen.

Another light bulb moment!

One thing that works for me if I'm having a session is sitting with an a4 page and scripting out what I'm doing, in ridiculous baby steps, and leave it on the dining table. Then when I'm drifting about aimlessly, I return to my plan and remind myself what I'm supposed to be doing. (I do that at work as well. I have a short list of tasks from my master list on a postit, on my screen, so I keep referring to it when my mind has wandered and I've forgotten what I was supposed to be doing)

Although...what is really working for me is medication. That's brilliant.

Actually my biggest thing ever. We have a cleaner. She just does the downstairs, but tidies as well as cleans, so once a week our house gets a reset, and it means that the downstairs is always acceptable for random visitors. It is wonderful.

@MissKeithsNeice my brain feels like it's itchy or full of bees not long after i start doing a repetitive chore, my body feels a weird combo of agitation and fatigue, hard to describe. When i was at school homework had the same effect.
I use all sorts of tricks to try and keep going, with some success but not consistently.

@MissKeithsNeice Well done with getting rid of some of it - that's a great start.

It really doesn't matter how it goes, just that it's gone and someone will have the stuff from the tip.

Keep going, every item that goes is getting you closer to the way you want to be living 🤗

Thank you, OP. This is such an interesting thread. I too can relate to needing to be alone to manage any tidying or cleaning. When anybody else is around it completely interferes with my thinking and is so distracting. I hadn’t thought of it being an adhd trait, and yet my adult DC has recently been diagnosed. So that’s a bit of a lightbulb moment concerning me and my traits. And I love the idea of an “isolation box”. That will work well for me I think.

Has anyone read Gabor Mate's book? Scattered Minds:The Origins and Healing of ADD?

I swing between thinking I have it and thinking I don't. A Slob Comes Clean honestly worked so incredibly ridiculously well for me, it was like a lightbulb going off. And now I still listen to keep myself "in the zone". I think an ADD diagnosis would probably explain a lot.

Please could I join? Somewhat ironically I am a psychologist (ha!) and I’m 99% certain that I have ADHD but can’t really self diagnose… but am worried about approaching my GP because I think they will think I’m over diagnosing myself and won’t respect me as a patient or a professional. Sigh.

Anyway, I’m trying to get on top of the house after having major building work, so there’s that challenge to start with. But my second challenge is that I also have really poor impulse control so order random shit online and then feel guilty about the money spent and end up returning most things but they languish in various rooms until I get around to actually returning them (which invariably happens a day or two before the cut off for w refund, cue major panic to make sure I get my money back, the whole thing is a massive source of anxiety to me!). I need to just delete my credit card details off my phone, or maybe I should only use DHs credit card because then he could see on the statements what I’d spent and that would definitely help reduce the ridiculous carousel of online shopping and returning. Sigh again.

So anyway,.. I’d like to join! Hello!

Welcome all - its so nice to have company

ADHD here and definitely fit the classic “has shit together at work but can’t keep a house tidy” model of adult female ADHD. Work eats most of my executive function if I’m honest. I haven’t many spoons left for home. A bit more gets done now I have meds - the laundry piles up less and I can cook AND tidy up after myself at the same time. But anything beyond the keeping on top of everyday shizzle? Nahh. I’d rather do absolutely anything in the world than housework or DIY.

Medication has helped a bit. I’m different to you though OP in that I can’t motivate myself to get shit done if DP is home and chilling out. I find it easier if we both have jobs to do and are cracking on.

I also can’t just do one thing at a time. I have to have like 3 jobs on the go at once and switch between otherwise I get bored. I don’t know if you’re a multitasker like that?

I have adhd and I did not know that my total inability to do any housework with other people around was a ‘thing’.

I’m starting medication soon and hoping it will help me get on top of the place.

@Soontobe60
I know how to do it! It is just the doing it!

I’m not diagnosed or on medication but realised ADD after trying to figure out what makes my DS so “different” to my other DC (and similar to me).

Anyway can I join too?
Went to the dump today, yey - more to go but this was weight off my mind and trailer haha
Went round and round about kitchen renovation decisions and am no further forward but have bought some coasters - boo
Finally got ready to ring a man about some shelves but found it was past 5pm and they will be closed. So now I’m here on MN!

The best tip I ever got was for tooth brushing. As I really dislike it and put it off. A woman on a forum said run side to side/ in circles whilst doing it. It works! I am now just wondering if this can be applied to housework somehow??

Ooh I may need this thread

The best tip I ever got was for tooth brushing. As I really dislike it and put it off. A woman on a forum said run side to side/ in circles whilst doing it. It works! I am now just wondering if this can be applied to housework somehow??

Also hate brushing my teeth and so does DS!! Like physically running while you brush?

I have booked a tip slot for tomorrow! Going to have to do it by myself though as DP is working. We have a lot of stuff in the garage that is ready to go (and has been for months to be honest) - we need the space in the garage to store the wood from the massive deck I want to dismantle in order to create space for raised veggie beds, which we’ll build from the saved wood, hopefully. But right now the garage is full of woody green waste and loads of random stuff ready to be chucked, so we can’t dismantle the deck as there’s nowhere for it to go. So tomorrow I will remove a carload and make some progress on that. And hopefully do the upstairs carpet shampoo thing as well because yeah they stink and it’s not nice.

After work today I came home and the kitchen was kind of clear, thanks to this doing-the-dishes malarkey, and it meant rather than order delivery like I normally would on an evening in by myself like this, I gathered together enough storecupboard stuff to make myself a lentil & chickpea curry with rice. The pans were clean and ready to go so it was easy. And because the sink was empty and the dishwasher being loaded the dirty dishes have been dealt with immediately as well. It’s bonkers how much more time/energy I feel like I have just because I’ve done the dishes.

I am also looking after myself. Bit of joint pain so have put my supports on and used some pain gel. Taken my evening pills. Now I feel like I can legit
please myself this evening and read or play piano (if wrist will allow) or watch a film and just fiddle with my phone all evening, and no need to feel any guilt. For I Have Achieved Stuff Today. And I Have Plans.

(Yeah there is still a whole house of crap to deal with….but not tonight!)

Does anyone else find though when they go to the tip, they bring stuff back? My tip hauls include loads of baskets, a vase, and a lifesize stuffed toy Labrador.

I hate mint toothpaste, and have found it way easier to brush teeth with a citrus flavoured one.

Does anyone else find though when they go to the tip, they bring stuff back

Ha! My (ADHD) DH won't let me go to the tip - he says I "might bring the wrong thing back, or even worse, nothing at all."

@MovingSchmoving also a psych here too