Please will you kindly support and advise me, as I try to help a friend sort out his home? THREAD 2

[EatingTheElephantInChunks]

THREAD 2

All constructive posts very welcome, whether you are an old familiar, usually a lurker or completely new to the thread. It would probably be helpful if new posters read my OP and my posts on the first thread before posting - many thanks.

No posts on Thread 2 please until the first thread is completely full - thank you.

Old thread is here:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/housekeeping/3335997-Please-will-you-kindly-support-and-advise-me-as-I-try-to-help-a-friend-sort-out-his-home?watched=1&msgid=109470766#109470766

Thank you, Chem.

I have lurked on your threads from the beginning and think you have done amazingly as most people would have given up at the start it sounds from your latest posts that your friends house is starting to look like a home

🐘🐘🐘🐘🐘

Thank you issey and a warm welcome. Glad to see you are getting the elephant emojis in early, dear Ring.

@EatingTheElephantInChunks I've read all the first thread over the last day or so and just wanted to say how amazing you are. 👏🏻👍🐘

You are doing a great job and it is lovely to hear the improvement in your friend's life. Like others, this thread has encouraged me to try and address our house. It isn't anything like as bad as your friend's, but we do have piles of clutter that are starting to build. I used to watch a lot of hoarding programmes on TV and it always struck me that the homes hadn't always been that way. In many cases they had deteriorated over only a decade or so. I want to make sure our house doesn't head down that path.

Popping on to new thread so I don't lose you. Waving MN pompoms to support and encourage. Here have a very unmumsnetty hug (((( ))))

I found this thread yesterday while I was off sick due to a bad reaction from my Covid vaccine and read it from start to finish.

First I think this is such an inspiring feel good but also tragic story that it would make an excellent movie and I can't wait to watch it in the cinema.

Honestly you are doing such an admirable thing but I too like other posters did worry for you at times that you were over working yourself. Especially when you were dragging around appliances in the dark.

Many have stories of unsuccessfully trying to help hoarders - but what makes this unique is that the progress is at a pace that makes it more of a transition for the hoarder. They sound like they have enough time to gradually adjust their habits. But please oh please op, do have those regular check ins with your friend when they start to fill up those clean rooms. It sounds like, after 3 years, it has been long enough that you can put some stricter expectations in place - e.g they take out their own rubbish and recycling and don't leave it in the bathroom. Caring for your friend can include some honest conversations about how they need to care for themselves - I am worried as things start to get cleaner and cleaner things might regress as your friend fears you are no longer needed and they will have to manage by themselves. But this is just a complete one sided observation having read the thread and only you know your friend in real life and the situation right now.

And omg the silverfish. In my experience, for every silverfish you see there are 100 more hiding in the little cracks and holes that you could never reach. They take years and years to properly get rid of so I would start now. I have a 4-front approach to killing the buggers:
Sticky floor traps
Poison food that they eat
Poison spray
Vacuum up any that you see - you will only find them properly crawling the walls at first daylight

Hello just checking in. This is one of the best things I've read on Mumsnet and I'd hate to lose track of it.

“There was an intelligent elephant
And Nellie was her name…”

Lovely to hear you dined in style with your friend at the kitchen table - what a journey! (Hope they scrambled you the eggs and brewed the tea, you have earned it.)

Cheering you on/offering as usual.

A beautiful send off for the old thread - & hurrah for the scrambled eggs! The cat joining you warmed my heart.

Just popping my head in to the new thread so I don’t lose it! I have lurked for a good while now me enjoyed reading through your posts and seeing the progress made. I was particularly touched that you and your friend (plus cat) were able to eat at the table after such a long time. A beautiful moment for you both I’m sure.

Hello again everyone and welcome to the new thread. Thank you to Paws, Nutty, Ulysses and apples, thank you and a warm welcome back to fourq and thank you and a warm welcome to Sound, Pongo and Mrs Rock.

Let's get the public service announcement out of the way first, shall we, and then we can all move swiftly - or more usually slowly! - on? As before, I apologise for having to include this, but I am advised that it is necessary in the current climate.

COPYRIGHT NOTICE
The author - writing under the pseudonym EatingTheElepantInChunks - claims and owns the copyright of all her posts dated on and after 14th August 2018, and now in addition on and after 28th July 2021, as her intellectual property and as a moral right and which are all her own individual and original work. Reproduction in whole or part or any other use is strictly prohibited without the author's prior written permission.

Right, moving on....

I will be back with replies and an update - and with those outstanding from the first thread too - soon.

Sincere thanks once again to everyone who has joined or managed a safe migration over.

Some replies for this thread.

apples - I just want to say well done and the very best of luck with your own chunking.

Pongo - I hope you're feeling better now? You're right, dragging the appliances round so that they could be collected was too much, but hopefully it won't need to happen again. Having seen how much it has been a shock for my friend and churned him up even with my slow progress, I really think a much more sudden change would have been too much for him. I think you're right - a slower transition has been better, at least for him. I also appreciate your thoughts on moving forward and helping my friend to maintain the progress. I think we would be in a better place if it wasn't for the pandemic. I do feel that I can and do have honest conversations with him, while at the same time wanting to tread gently, respect that it is his home and he has free will, and also accept the need to be realistic about such a serious and long term situation. I hope, in time, we'll gradually get some new - old? - habits - back? - in place. As for dependence, I think he knows I'm not going anywhere, God willing, but also that sometimes I will be able to be there more than others, and there will be gaps. More food for thought, thank you. But I really wish I hadn't read all that about The Insects Who Must Not Be Named!

Nutty - Would an intelligent elephant get herself into this fine mess, including DA moonlight wrestling?!

Paws - Yes, I thought of you as we sat at the table with our tea, and milk from a bucket of cold water rather than a fridge! Sorry I couldn't quite meet your challenge, but I tried my best and we were almost there! The cat has had a very interested sniff or two around the kitchen but I think a gradual transition is better for felines too, before all the pussy paraphernalia is moved down! I want to have finished with all the heavyweight disinfectant too, and make sure it's all completely dry.

Back soon.

Some replies for the first thread.

Pash - Any shops are in short supply here, never mind a Cook shop! I do remember having a Cook frozen lasagne from a farm shop once and it was very good - I will look into availability, thanks. Milk, butter, fishfingers for sandwiches, you say? Check!

Marg - Get well soon!!! I hope you're starting to feel better? Twin tub available for hire, fee negotiable.

Paws, sue and Uly - What a flighty piece I must seem, stocking the new freezer with ice cream, ice lollies, berries and ice cubes instead of veg and so on! In my defence, I was wanting my friend to have the treats he's missed all these freezerless years, when he's still been able to have things like fresh and tinned veg. Honestly, I'm not flighty - at least in the frozen food sense - really. Thank you for all the suggestions - lots on the list.

Palavah - Firstly, let me apologise for getting my ers mixed up with my ahs for your user name! Thank you for posting - I'm going to come back to reply to you a bit later.

Update also to follow.

Delurking to say you are wonderful

Ooh, this looks interesting! We have hoarding tendencies in the family. After a few years spent helping my mum and in laws, we're getting very strict.

Mum's house looked amazing but hid a multitude of sins and was enormous. She wasn't able to reduce her belongings sufficiently before moving, so we had serious issues squeezing her into the new house. There's a whole, long, hilarious and heartbreaking story there in itself.

DH and his parents just tend to buy too much. BiL has tackled PiL's garage and has boxes of food and cleaning materials that's on the edge of its use by to take to the food bank. It's like, buying things every time you shop without looking to see if you need them, so it just builds up in the garage. Plus every document that's ever been received. We had his pay checks from when he first started work (he's 85) etc.

Both these houses were superficially respectable, it was all contained. Just masses of stuff stored in piles under furniture, in furniture etc.

I highly recommend moving house on a regular basis to make sure you only keep essentials!

Hello again everyone. A warm welcome and thank you to Mog and pickle.

pickle - Not checking whether more of something is needed has been true here too, as well as not wanting to miss 'a bargain' and concern about not running out. Living some distance from most shops and difficulties getting to the shops - either because of ill health, anxiety, bad weather and more recently the pandemic - has been part of the reason too. Especially with cleaning products, there has also been an intention or hope to tackle the house, which either then didn't happen or did happen a number of times over the years but could not be sustained - both for a variety of reasons. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and part of your family's story.

If you wanted some frozen meals I think I have seen this company mentioned on MN before: www.wiltshirefarmfoods.com/
They deliver.

Thank you, Palavah, for your freezer suggestions at the end of the first thread. My friend does love pasta and hopefully a ready supply of small amounts of veg - and not needing washing and preparing when he's not feeling too good - will help him get back to making his own sauces, especially during the winter.

I was very interested in what you were saying about finishing touches helping with keeping things spick and span, thank you, and wonder if you could point me in the right direction to read more about it please? I want my friend to have a more functioning home, certainly, but I also think that having fun, meaningful or just beautiful things around is almost as important or even as important. I am sure that, in part, I also do it for selfish reasons to have something beautiful to focus on in the middle of all the chaos and to help motivate me to carry on with the very difficult chunks or to give closure to one. 'The cherry on top' is such a lovely expression, isn't it? You have also reminded me to buy cherries, for home and to share with my friend some sunny day in his garden.

I'm so pleased to know that you have found something useful in Late Fragment. It means a lot to me.

Thanks for that, Chem. Your dire warning flashed through my head as I was splashed with Death Water from the dishwater last week. I have felt under the weather since, although it might not be related to it. I will be more careful again when I get around to disconnecting the old washing machine, that's for sure.

I've just caught up with both threads now too.
To say you're a very kind person is the understatement of the century, your loved ones are very blessed to have someone like you in their life.

Eating at the kitchen table (with flowers!) is really wonderful!
Has your friend started getting ideas about things he wants for his home?