With no parents as a child to help me to learn cleaning/ organisational/ budgeting skills, my home has become horrific and I am hoping someone has tips please? Possible TW in my background

[LadyInParis]

So as above, I never had effective parents (so called father ditched when I was 2, mum then married stepfather when I was 4, and all I saw from then until she committed suicide when I was 13, was an alternate cycle between when she left him and became a happy and sober single wonderful mother who taught me how to be the kind genuine and considerate person I am today, and she was lots of fun, and the other half of the cycle where she got back with him, and exposed me to viewing extreme physical abuse from him to her, and then her subsequent drinking and not being present as a parent. I saw her being wheeled out by paramedics throwing up pills and so on, it was horrific, then she committed suicide when I was 13.)

So as a bit of background I was basically living in fear all of the time, and desperate need for validation and love, as well as the need to protect her and my little brother, it was all just pure emotional and physical trauma. Always basically in survival mode. Although she was a wonderful person and a wonderful mother when she was well (I understand this may be hard to understand- as on the face of it you could easily say she was the worst mother ever but.. I was there- and I can’t take away from her the wonderful things she taught me)

Anyway I digress! The point is from age 2 up until age 13, my life was one big mess of emotional chaos and trauma. From there, I was passed around from family member to family member, often in extremely toxic environments. I recall being around age 15/16 and running away. To avoid the streets I (unbelievably) went to stay with my stepdad (I know ) but I really didn’t want to live on the streets. After a while he sat me down and told me I had to leave. I was heartbroken thinking I had done something wrong. On the contrary- in his words (remember I was 15/16) I “reminded him too much of my mum and he ‘wanted’ me.” (This turned out later to be the tip of that vile iceberg). Then I went into the hands of social services who deemed me “too old” for proper housing with say foster care but too young yet for a real home of my own. In other words we can’t help you... so they put me in a bed and breakfast alone and gave me 5 pounds a day to live on. My life did improve to some extent and I ended up in college then university and then later got my own flat. By then I had run up huge debts. Was behind in many bills, and generally struggled to maintain or create any kind of proper home life schedule in terms of budgeting, shopping, paying bills and all of that stuff. I was often in the dark and freezing cold with no food because of my lack of skills meaning I had no money for those things. I struggled to maintain jobs, I just struggled. I was there for 7 years before I went to Paris, and met my now fiancé who I live with, in Paris, and he provides an excellent source of emotional support and has a very good job meaning that although I don’t work (I don’t speak the language despite living here for 3 years and I struggle to even go out) we don’t struggle for money. I am still clearly struggling to “be an adult”.

So when we first moved into this apartment (our second one) I was so happy. I had a cleaning cupboard, I kept it so lovely and clean and it was amazing. Then I suffered a really bad bout of long depression. And my fiancé and me let the place get out of control. Which made my depression and anxiety worse, and therefore my coping skills and house keeping skills worse. Like a cycle.

I have now gotten out of this cycle of depression and I want my home back!!! I want to learn to budget. I want to do shopping that doesn’t leave loads of out of date wasted food. I want to cook daily and clean daily (normal top up cleaning) and plan my budget and shopping around the weekly meals. He works so so hard to give us a wonderful life. I think the least I can do, instead of staying in bed depressed all day, is keep a nice home and cook dinner for us both, and do the food shopping (because when I got into my depression he was working hard, doing the shopping, getting my medicine, washing clothes, etc) and this really isn’t on. He’s been great about it, but that isn’t the point. I want to take all this stuff off his hands- he has recently become extremely stressed and quite unwell due to exhaustion and this was a big factor in me having my eyes forced open and waking me up to real life - pulling myself out of my depression. The shame of it!!

There are so many repairs I need to do. Painting too which is half finished. I need to also essentially clear out whole rooms to clean inside cupboards then re fill them after a sort out. I need to have a good sort through and get rid of clutter. I need to clean the sofa. I need to clean every single surface and continue the painting and do the repairs. All whilst implementing the new budget and cooking and shopping regime. I need to wash soooo many cushion covers and throws and clothes. I need to make space. There is so so so much that needs doing that I am just completely overwhelmed by it all. The whole place needs a complete overhaul, scrub, sort out and throw, clean, organise, and repairs as well as decorating finished. All whilst maintaining said food and shopping stuff as above.

I don’t know where to start, it’s all so overwhelming that I feel massively stressed at the idea of it all. It makes it so hard to just even start! I don’t know where to start! I have a list of all that needs doing, and I have made charts for budgets and things like that.

But practically speaking I don’t know where to start. All I see is the whole thing. I struggle to break it down in my mind. I’m lost.

Does anyone have any kind of advice or ideas on how I can start the process and see things I can do one at a time rather than seeing the whole thing and being overwhelmed? Has anyone been in similar, and gotten through it? And how? Anything would be helpful right now. I am so ashamed and I really really miss the beginning when we first moved in and I had my cleaning cupboard and everything was done to the T- I even used to dry the kitchen sink I was that “on top” of things. I miss that so terribly!

I never had a role model ever, to see how a house should be run. Although I know how, it was never ingrained in me and my mental health and trauma means that even though I technically “know” how to be a proper adult, it’s very hard for me to actually put it into place. Especially when I get depressed. Once our home is back to normal I know it’s so much easier to keep on top of. But how do I get back there? It’s so very overwhelming. I’m scared.

Please help?

A tip I have used is to choose an area (tidy clothes, clean bathroom, wash dishes etc) set a timer for 10 minutes. Put some upbeat music on and go. At the end of the timer, you may carry on, you may not, but you did 10 minutes that you didn't do before so be proud of yourself.

There's a book I've recommended a few times on here called How to Keep House While Drowning which I thought was very good to help with doing household tasks when you're struggling with MH issues. It's £2.31on Kindle or free if you have Kindle Unlimited. I have found it invaluable. Many people may say it's common sense or whatever, but for me reading it in black and white helped me absorb the advice given

@snowdropsandcrocuses oh of course you are 100 percent correct I should know this!!! I do need to be careful don’t I. I don’t think I will go in all guns blazing; I think I’m just hyper on the success (and it is a real success for me) as well as red bull (don’t normally touch red bull or even coffee as it gets me too hyped- lesson learned there but I just wanted energy to start something so I don’t regret that. But you are right going forward- I really do need to pace myself very carefully. I appreciate the congratulations as well as the gentle reminder to calm down (my words nit yours!) as I needed that reminder. You’re such a kind person and you have helped me a lot on here! I appreciate it xxx

That really really isn't too bad. I've seen/heard worse after just a bad week not a long period of depression.

It really isn’t is it? I suppose I am lucky in that my fiancé kept on top of what he could whilst working a very demanding job while I was in bed depressed (the shame). But none of his cleaning is quite like how I want it and now I am well I want to get it sorted so that in future he doesn’t have to worry about doing anything except his work and some jobs that I’ll ask of him (bins, dishes).

Ofc it looks like a massive project written down like that and it can feel overwhelming when you're not buzzing on motivation (and red bull) but it's all doable, especially one room at a time and if you (and your fiancé) keep what do sort out clean and tidy and on top of it.

It’s definitely doable. As for fiancé I have told him when it’s all finished he’s not to touch anything unless asked to (my anxiety- I can be obsessive re cleaning - believe it or not- and this makes the fight during depression far worse!) I expect extremely high standards so when I am on top of it I will be maintaining as I never want to live like this ever again. It’s been a long long time of pure misery, depression, and extreme anxiety because of the mess. It’s awful. But your point still remains- keeping on top of it is absolutely key, and I really appreciate your invaluable advice.

There's a book I've recommended a few times on here called How to Keep House While Drowning which I thought was very good to help with doing household tasks when you're struggling with MH issues. It's £2.31on Kindle or free if you have Kindle Unlimited. I have found it invaluable. Many people may say it's common sense or whatever, but for me reading it in black and white helped me absorb the advice given

I’ll have a look for this! Thank you so so much! And what seems common sense to some, really isn’t if you haven’t been shown it, or in any way exposed to that kind of “sense”- so I understand what you mean re it seeming like common sense but you needing it in black and white. I have to have things spelled out for me like that very often despite most people not having to think twice. So I really appreciate your recommendation here thank you!!

I think tomorrow I will do the hall. It will be:

Hall

Wipe down doors.
Repair the corner of the wall plaster.
Sand down slight damage to door frame.
Paint cleaning cupboard door, and room rail in light mint (already taped for this)
Paint other doors white (kitchen, toilet, lounge, bedroom and shower room- all access off this hall)
Clean and paint skirting boards.
Hoover and mop floor.

(We already painted all the walls, so the area needing plastering will need to be dried but that just means that I have to wait a few days to re paint over the damaged area. The rest is more than doable. I can spread it over the day and take regular breaks, and I will definitely stop if I feel in any way overwhelmed by it)

So I’ll check in tomorrow with an update and pics of progress etc! I’m so grateful for all advice. Well and truly thank you all and I’ll check in tomorrow. Have a nice night everyone

Just a final point re the support you’ve all given here (and in no way a sympathy plea) but.. it has been wonderful to have such a great amount of female wisdom and support. As you know I lost my mum. A few years ago my best friend of more than ten years died. Then less than a year later my nan (who was the only non toxic family member) died too. Since then I have had real difficulties in creating and maintaining friendships with other women. I can’t go into detail on here as she knows me on here but one friend I know- let’s say the friendship is more than one sided.. and not a friendship at all. I’m currently phasing her out for a multitude of reasons. As you can understand, it’s very difficult now with no female interaction (I have male friends but sometimes I just want to talk to another woman! Women just “get it” you know?)

My point is that having this support even just from a thread, has been a really lovely, heartwarming and incredibly helpful experience. And when my house is clean and I get past this time in my life, I’ll still remember the lovely support and how nice it feels. Probably too soppy but it really means so so much. Again thank you to each and every one of you.

Just RTT and I admire your get up and go Op.

It sounds like you are thinking through how you want to manage it. I know from experience making decisions, ticking jobs off, takes a load off the mind. I moved into a flat and its hard as space is limited and life accumulates so much stuff - mid declutter myself. It sounds like you have had to deal with so much in your own so it figures that establishing your own home may also trigger sadness of what you experienced as 'lacking', but it sounds like you have got this.

I don't have much to add other than the timer approach is good and a change of scenery if it starts to feel overwhelming.

I think you’re right to be honest. A lot of things I do always in my mind are lacking in some way. A big thing right now is that I am setting up home with my future husband and I am struggling with a lot of things. Although it is what I want, somehow it doesn’t feel right. As though I am messing it up by trying to have a normal life. I feel like half a person often times. Or more accurately- I feel stuck in the child phase of life and like a phony, trying to “be the grown up”. I’m very lucky that my fiancé is so incredible. I’m very aware of how amazing he is not only because of my past with my mum, then my family, then my own horrific exes. But also because of what I have seen others go through, and the threads on here. Not to mention the fact that I couldn’t cope with me if it was the other way around- and he is aware of this. I have told him many times that I think he is amazing and strong because I couldn’t cope with me. And given that view that I have of myself yes it does make sense that I find things “lacking” even where they aren’t- or at least not as bad as my mind makes out. It’s just difficult. I want my mum. I am however lucky now- because his family is absolutely out of this world amazing!! Especially given the fact that they are not only Muslim (though not strict) but also an extremely different culture and life experience from me. Yet they accept me, welcome me, love me, and support me when he gets on my damn nerves haha. They are never judgemental when I struggle and they never side with him for “family sake”. He has 4 sisters one of which makes a massive effort and we are very close now. She has taught me a lot re being more patient and less intolerant, and I have helped her be more strong and more self assured in her relationship. His mum is awesome. They all are. So I’m lucky there. But still I find myself wondering why they love me? I genuinely don’t get it! Which is sad isn’t it really.

Anyway sorry for the tangent!!

Thank you for the lovely words regarding admiring my get up and go! I wish I was always in the mood to get up and go, but today I thought well there is a great resource there- why not ask for advice. The lovely replies were what helped me feel more inspired. Otherwise I probably would have put off starting for another week! I suppose if you look at the thread in and of its self- I appear to be proactive! More so than I really am. But I am trying, and I am fighting, and I am learning to be nicer to myself, and accept that I am worthy, and to do the things I deserve in life. Even if it’s just having a nice home.

I think a change of scenery would do me the world of good. I haven’t been outside in almost a month. That’s partly the reason I want to go to the supermarket tomorrow and blow loads of money on fancy cleaning stuff! It’ll help me motivate and it’ll get me outside! Thank you for the lovely response- I’m sorry I made it all negative sounding! but like I said I’m trying to be kinder to myself

Have you been tested for adhd op? I also fail to adult and get very overwhelmed and it's due to my recently diagnosed adhd (I'm in my forties).

@sweetnessnfight

Have you been tested for adhd op? I also fail to adult and get very overwhelmed and it's due to my recently diagnosed adhd (I'm in my forties).

That’s an interesting point.. I was, in my 20s (after much time spent from age 16 as I knew something was “wrong” but no one taking any notice until I was 20 at uni) and got diagnosed as bipolar. Well to be more specific; on the bipolar 2 spectrum with a thing called “cyclothymia”. I got all the symptoms of bipolar (so it seemed) except my moods were way more rapid than bipolar 1 (think literally one minute crying wanting to die and literally the next laughing and smoking.. back when I smoked- as opposed to bipolar 1 where the moods are weekly) but I only went “hypomanic” (halfway) yet did go fully depressed as I had depression.. and also “free floating anxiety”... anyway I ended up being re diagnosed as actually having borderline personality disorder. But I often wonder. Because my symptoms seemed to change from rapidly shifting moods. (Bipolar) To extremes in relationships and massive fear of abandonment causing behaviour that was quite frankly frightening. (Borderline) Yet I have, somehow, over the past few months, almost a year actually, managed to somehow, without changing a single thing about my life not my diet. Nor any medication or therapy. Nor exercise. Nothing. Without any proper treatment or any change at all I have somehow managed to keep my borderline outbursts and rage and fear of abandonment at bay. I now talk fairly and calmly with my fiancé. I never behave how I did before. I don’t even react emotionally but keep it at bay so it’s not like I’m just “learning” to “behave” either..

So I just don’t know! The only recurring themes are depression and anxiety. I used to wrack my mind trying to “diagnose” what was “wrong with me”. But I think a great deal of my issues are related to traumas. So the “bipolar” moods could have been reactions to situations that I couldn’t deal with at the time. And the borderline a reaction to a very real fear of being abandonment due to my mum committing suicide and me being very sensitive to it. Maybe I do have borderline. It was diagnosed. But how come I don’t have any borderline breakdowns any more? It’s all very odd!

ADHD I suppose could explain all of it really, but then I don’t know much about it besides lack of ability to concentrate (sometimes I over focus actually) most times I cannot concentrate if my life depends on it. And the hyper part- I do sometimes get very hyper (hence the hypo mania in the bipolar 2 diagnosis). But.. I just don’t know! I think I have given up searching now to be honest. No one seems to know anything. When I was under the care of the nhs I was treated horrifically. France is ok as you pay for it but still.. I just try to live my life now and not focus on that so much.

From this background, and with you having it, what do you think? Out of interest. I know nothing about adhd! How come it took so long to get diagnosed? Probably a stupid question given my own experience actually.. what I mean is what led to it? Do they medicate you for it? Has it changed things for you for the better? I hope so

For me, if you asked my honest opinion on my own experiences in both life and the mental health diagnoses situations.. I would say that everything- the bipolar stuff, the borderline stuff, the depression stuff, the anxiety stuff.. all of it is actually a reaction to my childhood traumas, and a normal reaction to what I went through. And what I still deal with as a result. As it seems to be improving (except the depression and anxiety) I’m slowly learning that life isn’t reflective of my past. That it wasn’t normal, and my subconscious is finally starting to catch up. But I don’t know for sure xx

To add - I think if someone looked at every single non usual behaviour that I have- all together (inc self harm, weird control over food some times and other times totally normal, cleaning ocd sometimes yet other times I’m a total slob, obsessive in terms of “checking” things- think checking the door / window is locked and the oven off 4 times as it’s my “favourite” number then once more “for luck”, sometimes going up to four sets of four, etc yet other times it’s not there at all, sometimes considerable amounts of “intrusive thoughts” then they disappear, I could go on really.. I’m not even kidding!) I could probably fit into almost every category in the dsm at some point or another. When I was searching for answers, I would take those silly non professional “do I have autism/ do I have adhd/ am I a sociopath” and on and on and invariably (with the exception of sociopath as I am very empathetic) I would score high for all of them.

This is all to say that this is my experience and has been all my life. If I had a definitive diagnosis that actually made 100 percent sense. That fit me 100 percent. And didn’t change for no good reason, and I could get medical or therapeutic help, then I wouldn’t be happy per se; but I would have a way forward in terms of dealing with whatever is wrong with me. Sadly (well not that I want to have something wrong with me) I only have the answer that makes most sense (despite borderline diagnosis) which is as above.. I think it’s my subconscious reaction to trauma. I think my brain was wired wrong as it learnt to during my most important developmental years, and this I think is where it went wrong for me. My brain wasn’t given half a chance at any important developmental age. At all. And so once I became an adult my brain reacted as it was taught to do- in the wrong ways. Fear, anxiety, anger, lack of esteem, etc.

So please don’t think I am saying that having a diagnosis is wrong or in some way “less than”. For anyone, it isn’t. Mental health is important and a diagnosis is important for so so many as is treatment. And I am so glad that you got your diagnoses so that your life will make sense to you now and you can get the support you need. I’m just not sure, after searching for so long, and having all the diagnoses I have had. That I actually have any diagnosable “issue” or illness. Beyond pure trauma and terrible developmental experiences. It’s all that makes sense to me now, at 33. Xx

Lovely, you’ve had it much harder than me, and my childhood was horrific. I too struggled with the chaos around me. So I get where you’re coming from.

Love the before and after pics!!!

What works for me is routine, rituals that I do.
I start and finish the day with a shower. Always. It’s my ‘how well my head is’ gauge. If I start skipping them, for me it’s a sign I’m not doing too well.
The what to wear problem was real, when I’m depressed I don’t feel like wearing clean clothes. So I started putting clean clothes at the ready from the night before.

The other thing I do is clean the kitchen sink every evening before bed. Even if the rest is chaos, I bleach it down, give it a good scrub and wipe it dry. I have a dishwasher, so for me it’s easy now to just load everything in, I don’t even have a drying rack. But it’s such a nice feeling in the morning when I make my coffee to fill the kettle and see a shiny clean sink.

Hope that helps. I’m cheering you on from afar

Well done OP.

I’ve just found this thread and it’s lovely to see how much more positive you are now

Can I second the 10 minute timer idea of a PP. if you’re having a bad day do that. It’s amazing how much you can get done and hey you might not have done much but you’ve done something.
As far as getting rid of stuff is it acceptable to leave stuff in the street with a sign saying “free please take”??

Well done on your lovely cupboard (cute doggy too!).
Now, No matter if you get s down day, you'll ALWAYS be able to look back on that to recapture that sense of achievement and having a cheerleading team behind you.
Go you, you've got this!!

Honestly, I wouldn't start any painting or repairs until the whole flat is clean and decluttered.
Also, work out where all this stuff came from to stop yourself buying more.
Put food and meal planning on hold until you've cleaned. Don't even think about it. You can't do it all at once. Start cleaning in the bathroom, then kitchen, lounge then bedroom and finally the hall.
Agree to putting your favourite music on. Not the point of the thread, but it can be stressful being the sole breadwinner, so start making plans on how you can bring in some income.
Good luck OP!

Borderline personality disorder is sometimes known as complex ptsd I think? This would make sense in your case.

Apologies if I’m repeating anyone but I just wanted to say that your list is great but please don’t feel like you have to tick off everything in one room all at once. ANYTHING you do, no matter how tiny, is still progress. Even if it’s only half a task.
It’s a lot easier to motivate yourself to do just one small thing than it is a whole list if you’re struggling.

Firstly the key is a routine. I don't think you are working so I suggest you schedule blocks of time each day to do set tasks eg Monday morning after Dp leaves strip bed and do laundry, clean bathroom, cup of tea/coffee break, work out what to cook for the week and go to the shops for supplies. Home lunch break. Put sheets etc into dryer, put on another wash load, prep dinner. Tea break, (I would watch a programme, read, browse internet etc until dryer finished- out sheets back on, second washing load into dryer, cook dinner ...

Tuesdays and Thursdays I would suggest are diy days, choose one room to get finished and work on it until it's finished, then organise it and get it perfectly- do take breaks, these are essential to maintain good mood etc and stop by 4pm to get some me time before cooking.

Wednesday laundry on, then it's clean kitchen day, if it's like mine it takes 2-3 hours as I first need to clear up, I'm messy! Try to spend time organising one-two cupboards each week as well as generally cleaning. I'm usually going for a top up shop too by Wednesday. (Actually on Mondays I rarely have the will to think for the whole week!)

Friday day off! Recharge your batteries but take stock of the amazing progress you have made in the week

Well done on the cupboard, op. So much better. Maybe label the bags of animal food as I would forget what was in each but maybe that's just me!!
Your list is great. Now you can break it up and do a bit each day. I think you said you were going to start with the hall.
If you don't mind me saying, I would maybe get functional spaces like kitchen and bathroom sorted first if they need it..This is just my suggestion, of course so up to you. Starting with kitchen sink if it is messy, shine your sink and try to keep it maintained. Then do worktops, fridge etc...
You know your situation though.

I would do kitchen, bathroom, bedroom, living space, hall/entry, miscellaneous room, outside space/window boxes but of course you know your situation more than me.

You've got this, op.

Right, better get on with my morning routine!! (Coffee first, shower, wipe sink and loo, 1 load laundry, wipe kitchen worktops,10 min hoover and then on with the day) that's enough for Sunday.

Sorry, reading back, not sure if I was clear. The list of rooms isn't all for one day, just a suggested order over a week or two.

Hi OP, you sound like a lovely, wise, caring partner and I admire you as a fellow sufferer of depression whose home can get out of control.

The biggest obstacle to over come is the overwhelm. The house didn't get like this in a day and you can't fix it in a day. Set yourself small tasks that you can do. I got mine from Flylady though I think these days there are easier sites to navigate.

But quick top tips:

1. 27-thing-fling Get a bin bag, pick a room and chuck out 27 things you don't need. Broken things you'll never mend, old newspapers, dead plants or flowers etc - all that junk that makes your heart sink because you 'should have' watered the plant/mended the plug etc. Forget it. Chuck it. If you do this every day your house starts to unclutter itself.

2.) 5-minute room rescue. This is the best - I still use it all the time. Set a timer with alarm for 5 minutes. Do the big stuff first - hang up clothes, put damp towels in the washing hamper etc. Clear the surfaces, empty bins.

3. After the 5 minute rescue, if you want, do a 10 minute quick clean. This means - vacuum or mop the visible areas not everywhere. Clear the main surfaces and wipe them. Open windows wide. Plump up cushions etc.

That's just 15 mins and the room will look and smell better.

Do this to one room in the house each day. That's not overwhelm, that's just basic top up cleaning. For bathroom you scrub the loo, wipe down the basin, bath and shower, polish taps and mirrors, change the towels, chuck out empty toiletries. It shouldn't be perfect. It's what you can do in 15 minutes, no more.

4.) Pick your best time of day - morning or evening, depending on whether you're lark or owl, and get a routine going: wash load on, dishwasher emptied and reloaded, kitchen surfaces wiped down. A simple 30 minute routine that keeps things running. That's a washload a day (towels, sheets, darks, whites, mixed, delicates or wool, sportswear - one per day)

5.) Make 'altars'. This means small focal points of beauty in the home. When you've done the room rescue, put flowers beside a lit lamp and a photo of your DC, or fold a throw over the sofa, with cushions to make it inviting to sit down. Make small areas of the house look really good so the eye is naturally drawn to them. This is uplifting. One way to do it is to clear a shelf and put one thing on it - bit of art or a plant - just one. Very therapeutic.

OP regarding the tidying/cleaning/decluttering aspect of things I highly recommend checking out Dana K White AKA “A slob comes clean”. She has a podcast and a book called Decluttering at the speed of life and does have a few YouTube videos and a blog (I think she might also be on Facebook) but her podcast is the main thing she seems to use other than the books. She has some amazing non standard techniques for people who are easily overwhelmed or are not naturally tidy (or actively messy 😂) people and can help with that question of where to start (tip: actual rubbish first, and visible spaces first). She has helped me a lot when I previously just felt I could not get on top of my disorganised cluttered home at all.

Her programme is a lot more realistic and practical and less ambitious than Marie Kondo/Home Edit/Flylady which I love the idea of but needed to get the basics sorted first before I could even think of trying to get things to that level! She has a system which means you will always only ever make progress and don’t get into a situation where you’ve pulled everything out so the mess is even worse than before, and then get distracted/tired/busy/overwhelmed just leaving a bigger mess behind. I really recommend it for someone like yourself!

Well done on the cupboard, OP! Sounds like you're on a roll!

@BuddhaAtSea

Lovely, you’ve had it much harder than me, and my childhood was horrific. I too struggled with the chaos around me. So I get where you’re coming from.

Thank you for this. I’m sorry you had a hard time in your childhood too. But it helps me to know that I’m not alone in my reaction to it re adulting. I hope you’re getting on better? Living with chaos as a child is so so so hard regardless of the level of trauma or whatever. It leaves you with a great deal of issues around lack of feeling grounded, stable etc and that is so damaging in later life. I think even if I had just had chaos but little violence and such- I would still have ended up like this. Because I think it’s the chaos as a child part that has created this difficulty I now face. If that makes any sense the other stuff just created extra issues such as fear of abandonment, triggers etc.

Love the before and after pics!!!

Thank you! It doesn’t look like much but I am so so happy about it! We now have cleaning products which I’m really happy about I didn’t sleep until after 7am (I’m not drinking red bull ever again- this reminded me why I don’t drink it and don’t drink coffee- if I even sniff coffee I swear I go loopy!) so didn’t wake until 2pm french time. He had gone to the shop and bought some stuff. He’s so awesome really he is. I still want to go myself and buy loads of “girly” smelly cleaning stuff but he got loads that I wouldn’t have thought of. Which is great! So now I have a stocked cleaning cupboard and I’m very happy!

What works for me is routine, rituals that I do.
I start and finish the day with a shower. Always.

This is similar to me- in that routine is vital but.. I find it really hard to maintain. I think if I do something like this every day then I’ll have some form of routine to start my day with. Something like- wake up, cup of tea, shower, make breakfast for the mister. As a start.

It’s my ‘how well my head is’ gauge. If I start skipping them, for me it’s a sign I’m not doing too well.

This is what I need to figure out- what is my gauge? I don’t often realise that I’m bad until I am really deep into it. If I start with a routine daily, then skip, I’ll know that I’m slipping way earlier. What really helpful advice!!

The what to wear problem was real, when I’m depressed I don’t feel like wearing clean clothes. So I started putting clean clothes at the ready from the night before.

Yea I can identify with this. Great idea re having clean clothes ready! Could be my night time routine? Last cup of tea, snack if I want, lay out my clothes, something on Netflix, then into a clean bed? Or similar.

The other thing I do is clean the kitchen sink every evening before bed. Even if the rest is chaos, I bleach it down, give it a good scrub and wipe it dry. I have a dishwasher, so for me it’s easy now to just load everything in, I don’t even have a drying rack. But it’s such a nice feeling in the morning when I make my coffee to fill the kettle and see a shiny clean sink.

I love our dishwasher!!! And another great idea even if it’s a seemingly small task at least it’s something. I think I really need to sort this thing of mine - this “or all nothing” process in my head. It’s not helpful at all!! I often overwhelm my own self with it. If I can find it in myself to congratulate my every progress (instead of telling myself I’m shit I did nothing cleaning the sink/ dishes is nothing why am I so useless etc) I will get much further. I really need to congratulate my every progress and go easier on myself. I’m really horrible to myself if I’m honest

Hope that helps. I’m cheering you on from afar

It really does help, thank you so much!! And good to know you are cheering me on, that is really nice and lovely for me to know. Thank you!!

@Rainbowqueeen

Well done OP. I’ve just found this thread and it’s lovely to see how much more positive you are now

Thank you! I am hoping at the end of it I’ll have a lovely thread full of achievements and before and after photos; to help other people if they are going through similar. I think that would be a lovely thing to leave behind as a “pass it on” kind of thing after all the lovely support from everyone who has helped me along the way. If it can help someone else to see it can be done and see the difficulty along the way and the before and after, it’ll be a great result for me. I have to of course get my backside into gear and get my own home sorted but it’ll be lovely to leave behind

Can I second the 10 minute timer idea of a PP. if you’re having a bad day do that. It’s amazing how much you can get done and hey you might not have done much but you’ve done something.

Yes I am turning to this idea more and more! It’s a great method isn’t it!

As far as getting rid of stuff is it acceptable to leave stuff in the street with a sign saying “free please take”??

Not legal here but.. I could leave it in the apartment lobby and bin after a certain amount of time.. that way not in the public street, but people can take from the building. Lots of people here who have moved or renovated have done that in the lobby so yes great idea!! Thank you!!

@KevinBaconsMoustache

Well done on your lovely cupboard (cute doggy too!).

Thank you! The white one is currently with me 💨 farting away the other one is a daddies girl (because he holds the giant diva like a baby and also makes his hand into a pillow for her.. think her on his lap and him holding her head with his hand while she sleeps haha!

Now, No matter if you get s down day, you'll ALWAYS be able to look back on that to recapture that sense of achievement and having a cheerleading team behind you.
Go you, you've got this!!

Great and lovely point here! I’ll have a record of my achievements on here and will be able to look back which will be great for morale!! Thank you for the support 🙏

@DianaT1969

Honestly, I wouldn't start any painting or repairs until the whole flat is clean and decluttered.

I’m trying to do room by room; or some way that makes it the right “fit” for my own thought process if that makes sense. So I definitely will be doing clutter and cleaning first, then repairs and painting. Whether that be room by room, or in groups of “declutter” “clean” then “repairs and painting” throughout.. I’m not sure which way yet.. You’re definitely right about declutter and clean before repairs and paint. I’m just deciding whether that be by room, or just in that order overall. I think it will be more helpful for me to do room by room, so as you said- if it’s the kitchen as example; I’ll declutter, then clean, then paint and repairs. Then the next room the same. I’m leaning more toward this way simply because I think the idea of declutter everything, clean everything, then left with repairs and painting everything after is just.. exhausting! Whereas the idea of room by room... seeing a massive achievement of the whole room being finished before I move on to the next.. fills me with excitement. So at this point I think I have to do whatever it takes that gives me that achievement and excitement and takes away the overwhelming feeling. Thank you for enforcing the declutter clean then decorate and repairs order for me in my mind though!! It’s very helpful for me to hear and keep repeating as a mantra. Otherwise I’ll be all over the place! I appreciate your advice

Also, work out where all this stuff came from to stop yourself buying more.

It really isn’t that bad in terms of purchasing things. It’s more an organisational issue, and throwing away stuff that is no longer useful. The only things we have that were silly purchases is a couple of bags of things on top of a cupboard (wall decor and other ornaments, some we will use others we will give away or throw) from the flea market in Paris. Now with Covid not an issue however it is well worth looking at this at some point and try to avoid in future. I just need to get on top of it at the moment, once I have done this and I have a “place for everything and everything in its place” it’s going to be much harder for me to do this kind of thing. Whether it be over buying at the flea market, or difficulty throwing away things that aren’t useful or beautiful anymore. Because I won’t want to ruin this massive achievement of my first real home with a first real relationship/ future marriage- and a home that will be beautiful once finished!

Put food and meal planning on hold until you've cleaned.

I can’t really do this- my fiancé works, and he needs to eat. I have only just gotten into this routine and it’s the one routine I do have finally. And I have seen the difference it has made on him and his exhaustion levels. He’s so much more healthy, relaxed. Less stressed or tired. And I think the least I could do is continue this. Though I don’t go overboard and nor does he- if I don’t want to cook we will get takeaway, and he cooked for me the other day which was nice.

Don't even think about it. You can't do it all at once. Start cleaning in the bathroom, then kitchen, lounge then bedroom and finally the hall. Agree to putting your favourite music on.

This is really very helpful- thank you! I’m excited when it is described like this as it is much less overwhelming and much more exciting sounding! Thank you 😊

Not the point of the thread, but it can be stressful being the sole breadwinner, so start making plans on how you can bring in some income. Good luck OP!

Although on the face of it, I wholeheartedly agree (it feels weird to me to not need to contribute almost like I’m being lazy and sponging) this is not what he wants. Even though he is happy with whatever makes me happy, so would be supportive of any job I wanted, he works a computer job that earns really really well and knowing him as well as I do- he would be much happier if I kept a clean home and cooked for him and was supportive in the home. So meals, budgeting, shopping, cleaning, taking care of animals. Though he would never say any of that! I know him however and I know what makes him happy. It takes a massive load off him if I am here to do that stuff, so we are working toward having the beautiful home so that we can implement all of this going forward. Full time and effectively. I also don’t speak french so it would take me say one year of mental energy to learn it fluently enough for a job, which would take said mental energy away from what he actually prefers- which is someone that is supportive in the practical roles. I am happy to fill that role for the time being. If I want to have a career in the future or go back to university to study a different subject, to get a career, he would support this mentally emotionally and financially. I have many doors open to me at the moment in terms of my future, and our future as a couple. But first I need to get our home organised, clean, functional and happy. I don’t want to add to the crippling load I already feel with this stuff, by thinking about something that is, for us, a non issue at the moment as all doors are open for us and our future. It’s extra stress, feeling “less than” for not working or speaking much french. When I’m already stressed up to the eyeballs just trying to do the normal level of adulting. I hope this makes sense without coming across as arsey- because all advice and all things to consider are well worth hearing for me. Especially since while me not working isn’t an issue- me not adulting really is. So it does enforce massively that while I don’t need to worry in that sense- I really do need to get myself in gear in terms of the job of “running the home”. As It really isn’t fair to him for me to keep struggling in this area- the only area that will massively impact him and improve his life mentally and emotionally and physically. I appreciate all advice though because while not all will apply- it can apply in a different way such as this way, and also there are many things I didn’t think of, or don’t occur to me so all advice is helpful in case it leads me to a path that i didn’t even get close to considering. So I do appreciate your time and advice in posting I really do! And thank you very much