Talk

Flip

Find cleaning advice from other Mumsnetters on our Housekeeping forum.

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 12 13

Find cleaning advice from other Mumsnetters on our Housekeeping forum.

Housekeeping

With no parents as a child to help me to learn cleaning/ organisational/ budgeting skills, my home has become horrific and I am hoping someone has tips please? Possible TW in my background

314 replies

LadyInParis · 27/02/2021 15:02

So as above, I never had effective parents (so called father ditched when I was 2, mum then married stepfather when I was 4, and all I saw from then until she committed suicide when I was 13, was an alternate cycle between when she left him and became a happy and sober single wonderful mother who taught me how to be the kind genuine and considerate person I am today, and she was lots of fun, and the other half of the cycle where she got back with him, and exposed me to viewing extreme physical abuse from him to her, and then her subsequent drinking and not being present as a parent. I saw her being wheeled out by paramedics throwing up pills and so on, it was horrific, then she committed suicide when I was 13.)

So as a bit of background I was basically living in fear all of the time, and desperate need for validation and love, as well as the need to protect her and my little brother, it was all just pure emotional and physical trauma. Always basically in survival mode. Although she was a wonderful person and a wonderful mother when she was well (I understand this may be hard to understand- as on the face of it you could easily say she was the worst mother ever but.. I was there- and I can’t take away from her the wonderful things she taught me)

Anyway I digress! The point is from age 2 up until age 13, my life was one big mess of emotional chaos and trauma. From there, I was passed around from family member to family member, often in extremely toxic environments. I recall being around age 15/16 and running away. To avoid the streets I (unbelievably) went to stay with my stepdad (I know ) but I really didn’t want to live on the streets. After a while he sat me down and told me I had to leave. I was heartbroken thinking I had done something wrong. On the contrary- in his words (remember I was 15/16) I “reminded him too much of my mum and he ‘wanted’ me.” (This turned out later to be the tip of that vile iceberg). Then I went into the hands of social services who deemed me “too old” for proper housing with say foster care but too young yet for a real home of my own. In other words we can’t help you... so they put me in a bed and breakfast alone and gave me 5 pounds a day to live on. My life did improve to some extent and I ended up in college then university and then later got my own flat. By then I had run up huge debts. Was behind in many bills, and generally struggled to maintain or create any kind of proper home life schedule in terms of budgeting, shopping, paying bills and all of that stuff. I was often in the dark and freezing cold with no food because of my lack of skills meaning I had no money for those things. I struggled to maintain jobs, I just struggled. I was there for 7 years before I went to Paris, and met my now fiancé who I live with, in Paris, and he provides an excellent source of emotional support and has a very good job meaning that although I don’t work (I don’t speak the language despite living here for 3 years and I struggle to even go out) we don’t struggle for money. I am still clearly struggling to “be an adult”.

So when we first moved into this apartment (our second one) I was so happy. I had a cleaning cupboard, I kept it so lovely and clean and it was amazing. Then I suffered a really bad bout of long depression. And my fiancé and me let the place get out of control. Which made my depression and anxiety worse, and therefore my coping skills and house keeping skills worse. Like a cycle.

I have now gotten out of this cycle of depression and I want my home back!!! I want to learn to budget. I want to do shopping that doesn’t leave loads of out of date wasted food. I want to cook daily and clean daily (normal top up cleaning) and plan my budget and shopping around the weekly meals. He works so so hard to give us a wonderful life. I think the least I can do, instead of staying in bed depressed all day, is keep a nice home and cook dinner for us both, and do the food shopping (because when I got into my depression he was working hard, doing the shopping, getting my medicine, washing clothes, etc) and this really isn’t on. He’s been great about it, but that isn’t the point. I want to take all this stuff off his hands- he has recently become extremely stressed and quite unwell due to exhaustion and this was a big factor in me having my eyes forced open and waking me up to real life - pulling myself out of my depression. The shame of it!!

There are so many repairs I need to do. Painting too which is half finished. I need to also essentially clear out whole rooms to clean inside cupboards then re fill them after a sort out. I need to have a good sort through and get rid of clutter. I need to clean the sofa. I need to clean every single surface and continue the painting and do the repairs. All whilst implementing the new budget and cooking and shopping regime. I need to wash soooo many cushion covers and throws and clothes. I need to make space. There is so so so much that needs doing that I am just completely overwhelmed by it all. The whole place needs a complete overhaul, scrub, sort out and throw, clean, organise, and repairs as well as decorating finished. All whilst maintaining said food and shopping stuff as above.

I don’t know where to start, it’s all so overwhelming that I feel massively stressed at the idea of it all. It makes it so hard to just even start! I don’t know where to start! I have a list of all that needs doing, and I have made charts for budgets and things like that.

But practically speaking I don’t know where to start. All I see is the whole thing. I struggle to break it down in my mind. I’m lost.

Does anyone have any kind of advice or ideas on how I can start the process and see things I can do one at a time rather than seeing the whole thing and being overwhelmed? Has anyone been in similar, and gotten through it? And how? Anything would be helpful right now. I am so ashamed and I really really miss the beginning when we first moved in and I had my cleaning cupboard and everything was done to the T- I even used to dry the kitchen sink I was that “on top” of things. I miss that so terribly!

I never had a role model ever, to see how a house should be run. Although I know how, it was never ingrained in me and my mental health and trauma means that even though I technically “know” how to be a proper adult, it’s very hard for me to actually put it into place. Especially when I get depressed. Once our home is back to normal I know it’s so much easier to keep on top of. But how do I get back there? It’s so very overwhelming. I’m scared.

Please help?

OP posts:

Report

LadyInParis · 28/02/2021 16:55

@Mn753

Borderline personality disorder is sometimes known as complex ptsd I think? This would make sense in your case.

I had a quick read about complex ptsd.. interesting as it does fit better. I was more replying to the lady who mentioned possibly having adhd, because I haven’t found through all my years searching. Anything that “fits”. So I just kind of stopped looking. And when I did I felt better for it really. All I know for sure is that I need some therapy to deal with the trauma, but that searching for a label really hasn’t been helpful. Though the complex ptsd thing I read was very interesting and a lot more applicable! Thank you for that!!

@Gice

Apologies if I’m repeating anyone but I just wanted to say that your list is great but please don’t feel like you have to tick off everything in one room all at once. ANYTHING you do, no matter how tiny, is still progress. Even if it’s only half a task.

Thank you for this, how lovely and helpful! If I can just take the overwhelming pressure off myself I would probably get far more done than I planned I think!

It’s a lot easier to motivate yourself to do just one small thing than it is a whole list if you’re struggling.

This in spades! Thank you for confirming what I think and what others have said too. I appreciate it!

@minniemoocher

Firstly the key is a routine. I don't think you are working so I suggest you schedule blocks of time each day to do set tasks eg Monday morning after Dp leaves strip bed and do laundry, clean bathroom, cup of tea/coffee break, work out what to cook for the week and go to the shops for supplies. Home lunch break. Put sheets etc into dryer, put on another wash load, prep dinner. Tea break, (I would watch a programme, read, browse internet etc until dryer finished- out sheets back on, second washing load into dryer, cook dinner

Tuesdays and Thursdays I would suggest are diy days, choose one room to get finished and work on it until it's finished, then organise it and get it perfectly- do take breaks, these are essential to maintain good mood etc and stop by 4pm to get some me time before cooking.

Wednesday laundry on, then it's clean kitchen day, if it's like mine it takes 2-3 hours as I first need to clear up, I'm messy! Try to spend time organising one-two cupboards each week as well as generally cleaning. I'm usually going for a top up shop too by Wednesday. (Actually on Mondays I rarely have the will to think for the whole week!)

Friday day off! Recharge your batteries but take stock of the amazing progress you have made in the week

This is great thank you! Yes I need to create and keep a routine. I’m really proud of my recent routine I have set of cooking and all the food stuff. It’s the first time I have ever set a routine and actually stuck to it - now it’s so easy! I’d imagine that if I do the same with cleaning that will become easy too

@Amore2

Well done on the cupboard, op. So much better. Maybe label the bags of animal food as I would forget what was in each but maybe that's just me!!
Your list is great. Now you can break it up and do a bit each day. I think you said you were going to start with the hall.

If you don't mind me saying, I would maybe get functional spaces like kitchen and bathroom sorted first if they need it..This is just my suggestion, of course so up to you. Starting with kitchen sink if it is messy, shine your sink and try to keep it maintained. Then do worktops, fridge etc...You know your situation though.

Yes you are right.. it’s a difficult one isn’t it really .. in terms of easy (therefore spurring me on further) versus useful!! I think I will do like you said and get the kitchen sorted. Then one of the biggest rooms is out the way.. and my cooking routine will improve massively too! Thank you 🙏

I would do kitchen, bathroom, bedroom, living space, hall/entry, miscellaneous room, outside space/window boxes but of course you know your situation more than me.

You've got this, op. flowers

Thank you so so much!

Right, better get on with my morning routine!! (Coffee first, shower, wipe sink and loo, 1 load laundry, wipe kitchen worktops,10 min hoover and then on with the day) that's enough for Sunday.

Sounds like you have it down!! Well done!

@Amore2

Sorry, reading back, not sure if I was clear. The list of rooms isn't all for one day, just a suggested order over a week or two.

Well this is a point I should have made earlier- my fiancé is off for two weeks. He rested the first week; this is the second week and he is now well rested and eager to help me with things before he goes back to work (work from home because of Covid) so I can just do upkeep and cooking while he works. So this has a massive impact time wise, I want it done this week and I think it’s doable. It’s really not that bad now I started .. I think the idea of it was more overwhelming than the reality but.. I suppose you will see for yourself when I post my first “big room” before and after so a week as you said (I wish I could do it all in one day haha!) thanks for your wonderful support !!

@Labobo

Hi OP, you sound like a lovely, wise, caring partner and I admire you as a fellow sufferer of depression whose home can get out of control.

Oh thank you for these lovely words. I don’t know what to say! It’s such a lovely thing to hear after all the self bashing I do telling myself I am a shit partner who mustn’t care that much.. but I really do.. it’s just so hard sometimes. Thank you for such lovely words

The biggest obstacle to over come is the overwhelm. The house didn't get like this in a day and you can't fix it in a day. Set yourself small tasks that you can do. I got mine from Flylady though I think these days there are easier sites to navigate.

Also this! It’s the overwhelm!! More than anything at all it’s the overwhelm! Thank you for putting into words what I couldn’t explain properly!

But quick top tips:

1) 27-thing-fling Get a bin bag, pick a room and chuck out 27 things you don't need. Broken things you'll never mend, old newspapers, dead plants or flowers etc - all that junk that makes your heart sink because you 'should have' watered the plant/mended the plug etc. Forget it. Chuck it. If you do this every day your house starts to unclutter itself.

2.) 5-minute room rescue. This is the best - I still use it all the time. Set a timer with alarm for 5 minutes. Do the big stuff first - hang up clothes, put damp towels in the washing hamper etc. Clear the surfaces, empty bins.

3) After the 5 minute rescue, if you want, do a 10 minute quick clean. This means - vacuum or mop the visible areas not everywhere. Clear the main surfaces and wipe them. Open windows wide. Plump up cushions etc.

That's just 15 mins and the room will look and smell better.

Do this to one room in the house each day. That's not overwhelm, that's just basic top up cleaning. For bathroom you scrub the loo, wipe down the basin, bath and shower, polish taps and mirrors, change the towels, chuck out empty toiletries. It shouldn't be perfect. It's what you can do in 15 minutes, no more.

4.) Pick your best time of day - morning or evening, depending on whether you're lark or owl, and get a routine going: wash load on, dishwasher emptied and reloaded, kitchen surfaces wiped down. A simple 30 minute routine that keeps things running. That's a washload a day (towels, sheets, darks, whites, mixed, delicates or wool, sportswear - one per day)

5.) Make 'altars'. This means small focal points of beauty in the home. When you've done the room rescue, put flowers beside a lit lamp and a photo of your DC, or fold a throw over the sofa, with cushions to make it inviting to sit down. Make small areas of the house look really good so the eye is naturally drawn to them. This is uplifting. One way to do it is to clear a shelf and put one thing on it - bit of art or a plant - just one. Very therapeutic.

I love love love alllll of these! What a wonderful set of tips! Thank you so so much!

@Iceskatingfan

OP regarding the tidying/cleaning/decluttering aspect of things I highly recommend checking out Dana K White AKA “A slob comes clean”. She has a podcast and a book called Decluttering at the speed of life and does have a few YouTube videos and a blog (I think she might also be on Facebook) but her podcast is the main thing she seems to use other than the books. She has some amazing non standard techniques for people who are easily overwhelmed or are not naturally tidy (or actively messy 😂) people and can help with that question of where to start (tip: actual rubbish first, and visible spaces first). She has helped me a lot when I previously just felt I could not get on top of my disorganised cluttered home at all.

This sounds great thank you! I’ll have a 👀 at that as it sounds very helpful for someone like me!!

@Iceskatingfan

Her programme is a lot more realistic and practical and less ambitious than Marie Kondo/Home Edit/Flylady which I love the idea of but needed to get the basics sorted first before I could even think of trying to get things to that level! She has a system which means you will always only ever make progress and don’t get into a situation where you’ve pulled everything out so the mess is even worse than before, and then get distracted/tired/busy/overwhelmed just leaving a bigger mess behind. I really recommend it for someone like yourself!

Thank you for this- I really appreciate it! I will have a look later on for sure

@lazylinguist

Well done on the cupboard, OP! Sounds like you're on a roll!

Thank you so much! I’m so excited!

I hope I didn’t miss anyone. I’m sorry for the long post just wanted to reply to everyone as some information I didn’t include which is very relevant, and I wanted to thank each poster for each bit of advice as you all have been so helpful. I think this post though long does explain a lot more about my situation also- my bad for not explaining too clearly! I wanted to reply to everyone individually anyway because you’ve all been so incredibly helpful in one way or another- it’s the least I can do.

Thank you all so so much! I will do before and after later. I’m definitely a night owl! So it’ll be later on wish me luck and cleaning dust! No not dust.. err bleach sprinkles????

OP posts: