So as above, I never had effective parents (so called father ditched when I was 2, mum then married stepfather when I was 4, and all I saw from then until she committed suicide when I was 13, was an alternate cycle between when she left him and became a happy and sober single wonderful mother who taught me how to be the kind genuine and considerate person I am today, and she was lots of fun, and the other half of the cycle where she got back with him, and exposed me to viewing extreme physical abuse from him to her, and then her subsequent drinking and not being present as a parent. I saw her being wheeled out by paramedics throwing up pills and so on, it was horrific, then she committed suicide when I was 13.)
So as a bit of background I was basically living in fear all of the time, and desperate need for validation and love, as well as the need to protect her and my little brother, it was all just pure emotional and physical trauma. Always basically in survival mode. Although she was a wonderful person and a wonderful mother when she was well (I understand this may be hard to understand- as on the face of it you could easily say she was the worst mother ever but.. I was there- and I can’t take away from her the wonderful things she taught me)
Anyway I digress! The point is from age 2 up until age 13, my life was one big mess of emotional chaos and trauma. From there, I was passed around from family member to family member, often in extremely toxic environments. I recall being around age 15/16 and running away. To avoid the streets I (unbelievably) went to stay with my stepdad (I know 
) but I really didn’t want to live on the streets. After a while he sat me down and told me I had to leave. I was heartbroken thinking I had done something wrong. On the contrary- in his words (remember I was 15/16) I “reminded him too much of my mum and he ‘wanted’ me.” (This turned out later to be the tip of that vile iceberg). Then I went into the hands of social services who deemed me “too old” for proper housing with say foster care but too young yet for a real home of my own. In other words we can’t help you... so they put me in a bed and breakfast alone and gave me 5 pounds a day to live on. My life did improve to some extent and I ended up in college then university and then later got my own flat. By then I had run up huge debts. Was behind in many bills, and generally struggled to maintain or create any kind of proper home life schedule in terms of budgeting, shopping, paying bills and all of that stuff. I was often in the dark and freezing cold with no food because of my lack of skills meaning I had no money for those things. I struggled to maintain jobs, I just struggled. I was there for 7 years before I went to Paris, and met my now fiancé who I live with, in Paris, and he provides an excellent source of emotional support and has a very good job meaning that although I don’t work (I don’t speak the language despite living here for 3 years and I struggle to even go out) we don’t struggle for money. I am still clearly struggling to “be an adult”.
So when we first moved into this apartment (our second one) I was so happy. I had a cleaning cupboard, I kept it so lovely and clean and it was amazing. Then I suffered a really bad bout of long depression. And my fiancé and me let the place get out of control. Which made my depression and anxiety worse, and therefore my coping skills and house keeping skills worse. Like a cycle.
I have now gotten out of this cycle of depression and I want my home back!!! I want to learn to budget. I want to do shopping that doesn’t leave loads of out of date wasted food. I want to cook daily and clean daily (normal top up cleaning) and plan my budget and shopping around the weekly meals. He works so so hard to give us a wonderful life. I think the least I can do, instead of staying in bed depressed all day, is keep a nice home and cook dinner for us both, and do the food shopping (because when I got into my depression he was working hard, doing the shopping, getting my medicine, washing clothes, etc) and this really isn’t on. He’s been great about it, but that isn’t the point. I want to take all this stuff off his hands- he has recently become extremely stressed and quite unwell due to exhaustion and this was a big factor in me having my eyes forced open and waking me up to real life - pulling myself out of my depression. The shame of it!!
There are so many repairs I need to do. Painting too which is half finished. I need to also essentially clear out whole rooms to clean inside cupboards then re fill them after a sort out. I need to have a good sort through and get rid of clutter. I need to clean the sofa. I need to clean every single surface and continue the painting and do the repairs. All whilst implementing the new budget and cooking and shopping regime. I need to wash soooo many cushion covers and throws and clothes. I need to make space. There is so so so much that needs doing that I am just completely overwhelmed by it all. The whole place needs a complete overhaul, scrub, sort out and throw, clean, organise, and repairs as well as decorating finished. All whilst maintaining said food and shopping stuff as above.
I don’t know where to start, it’s all so overwhelming that I feel massively stressed at the idea of it all. It makes it so hard to just even start! I don’t know where to start! I have a list of all that needs doing, and I have made charts for budgets and things like that.
But practically speaking I don’t know where to start. All I see is the whole thing. I struggle to break it down in my mind. I’m lost.
Does anyone have any kind of advice or ideas on how I can start the process and see things I can do one at a time rather than seeing the whole thing and being overwhelmed? Has anyone been in similar, and gotten through it? And how? Anything would be helpful right now. I am so ashamed and I really really miss the beginning when we first moved in and I had my cleaning cupboard and everything was done to the T- I even used to dry the kitchen sink I was that “on top” of things. I miss that so terribly!
I never had a role model ever, to see how a house should be run. Although I know how, it was never ingrained in me and my mental health and trauma means that even though I technically “know” how to be a proper adult, it’s very hard for me to actually put it into place. Especially when I get depressed. Once our home is back to normal I know it’s so much easier to keep on top of. But how do I get back there? It’s so very overwhelming. I’m scared.
Please help?
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With no parents as a child to help me to learn cleaning/ organisational/ budgeting skills, my home has become horrific and I am hoping someone has tips please? Possible TW in my background
LadyInParis · 27/02/2021 15:02
You're making excellent progress OP, but I worry that you may be neglecting another important project: looking after yourself. It's difficult what with Covid, but I think you'd benefit from regular trips outside, to connect with your surroundings and the community: Slothkin's suggestion of going to the market to shop is a great one (I used to live in Venice too, waves 
). Or what about walking the dogs? And if you set yourself the challenge of learning French, it would make it much easier to access help and support should you need it in the future. Maybe online lessons for now, and think about finding a weekly real life class when it's possible? Living in a country without knowing the language can be very isolating!
Hope you are good, this morning, op. Don't beat yourself up about not doing much on Sunday. You have got to listen to your body. Once you have everything sorted, then you won't have to do as much to maintain it. Morning and evening routines (of about mins each?) will then be key.
Try not to burn yourself out so do take regular rests.
On a more personal note, my DH is French and we lived in France for two years before moving back to my home for work. I loved my time in France in the end so make the most of it when you can/ feel up to it (pandemic right now, of course so bit difficult). Learning a bit of French could be your next project! 
@justilou1
Btw... I wonder if the term, “Pot Pourri” comes from pourr? I bet it does! The canon looks lovely!
Haha I wondered the same! Quite possible! Thank you I love my canun they’re so so beautiful. It’s his culture and my need for a fire in an actual fireplace (why don’t landlords just put the fire in?! The rest is already you know.. there!!) so it’s perfect for us both
Maybe some of the lesser pourr sprinkled under the sofa cushions will discourage the bunnies from thinking it’s okay to continue peeing on your sofa. (Once they smell their own wee, they tend to continue... Actually, if you can slip off the sofa covers and put a bit inside the cushions, I’d do that!)
This is a good idea- we have happily stopped letting them up now so it isn’t a problem now. However if you have suggestions how to keep this almost 40kg monster away from the sofa especially when she’s drooling over our food (and therefore on the sofa?)
Hah. If we can stop that then no more stains! The rest are just old that we covered up and I can’t stand it now.. 
not envy !!
I'm sorry, I don't have time to read the full thread. Has anyone recommended looking at //www.flylady.net? FLY is an acronym for Finally Loving Yourself, and there's full understanding towards people who are in your situation, where you've never had a good example set for you.
My home was fairly chaotic before I discovered Flylady, but I've been following her system on and off for a while now. It's made such a difference to my home and my life.
Best wishes @LadyInParis 
@Amore2
Hope you are good, this morning, op. Don't beat yourself up about not doing much on Sunday. You have got to listen to your body. Once you have everything sorted, then you won't have to do as much to maintain it. Morning and evening routines (of about mins each?) will then be key.
Thank you. I do feel better today so that’s good!
Try not to burn yourself out so do take regular rests.
Yes this is something I really need to watch out for thank you for reminding me
On a more personal note, my DH is French and we lived in France for two years before moving back to my home for work. I loved my time in France in the end so make the most of it when you can/ feel up to it (pandemic right now, of course so bit difficult). Learning a bit of French could be your next project! grin
Yes, I do know quite a bit in order to get by.. just not fluent to actually have a job. Thanks to the actual nice french I used to come across when I was in a cafe or whatnot - I got to practise it. Oddly, when in somewhere like a cafe, where it is service industry, they are often very rude and snooty even though I know I make perfect sense because it’s really not that hard to say tuna quiche please in french.. and so it knocks the confidence but.. I am getting better and more confident where I won’t stand for it now. Cities like Paris can swallow you whole if you don’t learn how to be “seen” and “heard” pronto.. so had been helpful!
@RafaIsTheKingOfClay
Well done on the cupboard and especially the sofa. Slightly jealous of the cupboard.
I agree with crack. Again, doesn’t have to be a big goal. Start small with a goal of getting out just once a week for 20 minutes if you need to. Or something similar.
Yes I’m trying to go easier on myself now. Super hardcore strict isn’t going to help here is it 
I’ve definitely let this slip over the last 12months or so and I’ve noticed it’s affecting everything - sleep, motivation etc.
This is spades! And Paris only properly shut down after the second strain came about so only a few months in.. now no cafe no nothing 
@Confusedandshaken
I don't know if your budget will run to it but it you can afford it, book a cleaner for a one off clean. Schedule if for a few weeks away and between now and then concentrate on decluttering, just a little bit at a time. Then when your cleaner arrives the house will be tidy and they will be able to blitz the place and get it to a good level of cleanliness. After that you just have to stay on top of it.
We could afford and I have considered! But I’m so ashamed of it!
I speak from experience. Being at home so much for the last year I had become blind to some areas of dirt and clutter that had built up at home. I'd stayed on top of most things and completely revamped some rooms but other things had just built up gradually and when I noticed them I was demoralised and tackling them became overwhelming . A cleaner came out last week and did a deep clean on the problem areas and I feel fantastic now. It will be so much easier to keep it that way but if I feel myself sliding back I'll book the cleaner in again.
This in spades!!
As for food! I am in such a rut with it. However I've ordered a new cookery book of one pot recipes and I'm determined to expand my reportoire. However soon as restaurants reopen I will be eating out as much as I possibly can.
This too! I miss it so much and he does too. I need to extent my repertoire too. I have quite a big one already but being in lockdown you work through it quicker don’t you
Thank you both. All of you actually.
I find your positive attitude to the answers you are getting so refreshing. I am sure you will achieve everything you are setting out to do. Just don't rush it. Small steps forward are the way to go. Good luck.
To be honest re the above- I think it’s because I know everyone is right. I just needed it confirmed back to me, and for me to put my own slant on replies so that it fits my life and ability etc. And also it’s so so helpful even if it doesn’t fit because it’s the support and non judgement- it’s so important. I think all of you who replied with so much help and advice and non judgement are the refreshing ones! And in a way, this thread is both holding me accountable, whilst supportive when I don’t follow everything I was planning to or have a bad day like yesterday. I was so excited to get on the thread last night after such a horrible day yesterday and say wait- I did the sofa! Even though probably no one really cares in the grand scheme of things (by this I mean that people are lovely and supportive and great but that they all have their own lives and problems when it ultimately comes down to it) so even if I am screaming into the ether at the end of everything, it doesn’t matter. Because it’s helpful for me to feel that I’m being held accountable, but also not so strict that if I have a bad day I’m screwed forever. It’s grounding, to have all of you.
I hope this makes sense, I am a bit ranty sometimes sorry! I appreciate all of you so much, it’s hard to not be positive in response. But I’m glad you pointed that out as it’s nice to know my overall attitude is positive. I would have pegged myself as a negative person! It seems I’m not after all. Very helpful thread in many ways..
Also I want at the end of it all to leave something behind. I think it’s so nice that people take time out of their own lives and days, and support a stranger online, through such a horrible experience. Or I should say- to get past the effects of the horrible experience that is my home. To know people are there cheering me on despite having their own kids and messes and depressions and issues, and not sitting in judgement. For that, the least I can do is take every post in the good spirit it’s intended, and either use it, or make it fit my experience and life so that I can use it. And leave behind a thread that is full of positivity, progress, and visual tangible evidence that it can be done. Via the before and after pics. So that way, my experience and journey can help others. They can see the start, the journey, the pits and falls. Then the before and after pictures that will show that despite all the above- it can be done. I think it’s the least I can do for the people who have kindly shared their own time and experience and stuff.
If I called my grandad (he’s not nearly as toxic as he used to be now I’m in France, having my own life, and he’s nearly 80 also.. but he used to be terrible. I call him now despite all he said and did in the past because he’s at the end of his life, he’s alone after my Nan died- my Nan was the only non toxic family member and I miss her, and sometimes you just have to let it go and let him have support and love in his end years. Be the better person you know?) anyway if I called him he would say “ just get it done stop being lazy and clean everything .. you can get it done in a day or two” or something to that effect! So I know the advice I would get there.. hence my surprise from this thread of such support! According to my grandad depression is “all in the mind” silly old fool!
@Slothkin The chicken I can imagine that! 😂
@Tlollj Hah I suppose it wasn’t, but to me it was because before it was my lovely cleaning cupboard.. place of lovely smellies and brushes and fancy mops and bleach and all the things that made me want to clean .. it’s my cleaning happy place! Turned into a dumping ground of old bird cages and shite!! Now it’s lovely again
I’m going to make dinner and finish the sofa tonight it’s been another tired day so.. I’m trying to sort of slide past the fact that I didn’t do the kitchen as planned but.. I will finish my sofa!!
Tomorrow will be better..
I think it’s because my period is due but very very late.. definitely not pregnant but strangely very late period and because I have low iron (therefore energy) as is.. when ever I’m due I get strangely exhausted and sleep a lot so. Now it’s late no idea what’s happening but I’m very tired! Going to start my iron tablets again I stopped taking the ones from the doctor cos.. black you know.. but I need them so I’m going to start them which will help my energy!
Tomorrow will be better! Maybe I can just do the kitchen later. I’ll see. I think I’ll feel better after I eat.
I’m off to make dinner- I’ll update with whatever does get done (it’ll be something- just don’t know what yet!)
Oh and lovely fiancé did take the stuff to the cleaning place today for the large machines- throws pillow cases et al.. for when the sofa and bed is ready, we can just throw the clean pillows etc on then. He’s great! I’m going to do us a lovely pasta for dinner. Then see what I can get done
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was in a cafe or whatnot - I got to practise it. Oddly, when in somewhere like a cafe, where it is service industry, they are often very rude and snooty even though I know I make perfect sense because it’s really not that hard to say tuna quiche please in french.. and so it knocks the confidence but.. I am getting better and more confident where I won’t stand for it now. Cities like Paris can swallow you whole if you don’t learn how to be “seen” and “heard” pronto.. so had been helpful!
Sounds like you are doing really well. Parisian waiters are known for being very efficient and quite snooty, aren't they? (Stereotype?!) It's part of their job description so don't let them put you off! We were in the south east so not quite the same but lots of people had preconceived ideas about the English (and by extension me). It took ages to get beyond that. I said a lot of, 'well, there are 60 million people in the UK and we don't all drink tea at 4PM', ',no, the food is pretty good these days...' and things like that but that was 20 years ago now so maybe it's changed.
Hope cleaning/organising is going well. 
Parisian waiters are known for being very efficient and quite snooty, aren't they? (Stereotype?!) It's part of their job description grin so don't let them put you off!
This is what I have found odd so-
Restaurants- they are brisk and efficient and more often than not, very pleasant; if not snooty at times haha! I just think that adds to the experience as it makes me more snooty and fancy lady feeling whilst ordering
Meeting in cafes and talking to strangers over a brew etc- was most helpful and they seemed keen to talk to me in broken English/ my broken french, and help me with my french along the way (I try to speak as much french as possible but if I forget a word I will ask them and they will tell me) and proud of their language they are often very happy to chat and I have had very pleasant experiences in this manner
Patisseries/ bakeries etc- very rude and dismissive even though I have enough french to order from these places in perfect french. Very rude and moody
My experience across the board! So I have had to on occasion be more bold and not let them dismiss me- not by being rude but by being more upfront with them. And not shying away shuffling off in shame haha. So it’s been helpful in making me more strong like that!
My french isn’t actually bad. It’s just not near fluent enough especially as they speak so fast!!!
Anyway it is as anywhere really- some incredibly kind and some incredibly rude!
I didn’t sleep at all last night. Oddly! So I think I will work through it and get on with work today since I am awake now. I can nap later on. I don’t want to waste time when I’m not exhausted- such as now! So I’ll snap up that time and get stuff done today, nap as I need it. We are getting our new plug in oven thingy today so that will mean I need to tackle the kitchen in preparation for it as well as do a shop for the food for it! So all good today re energy and motivation I’m happy to take the good days when I can and today will be a good day. I have loads more cleaning stuff in my cleaning cupboard and I am so happy about that 
haha. Bleached the bottom of the mop bucket last night and left overnight. In the toilet room. Every time I go for a pee I smell the wonderful smell of bleach (I love that smell!) And that’s helpful too!! He got some new mop heads and small towels and other sponge things for my cleaning when he went the other day.
So today will be busy!!
Oooh- to the poster who loves my floors- I found a full bottle of special polish for this type of wood, which made me feel oddly excited haha! I knew we had it (it was here when we moved in) but it got lost in the kitchen cupboards and is now found so the last thing I’ll be doing is polishing up my beautiful wood floors 
Much motivation today!
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