So as above, I never had effective parents (so called father ditched when I was 2, mum then married stepfather when I was 4, and all I saw from then until she committed suicide when I was 13, was an alternate cycle between when she left him and became a happy and sober single wonderful mother who taught me how to be the kind genuine and considerate person I am today, and she was lots of fun, and the other half of the cycle where she got back with him, and exposed me to viewing extreme physical abuse from him to her, and then her subsequent drinking and not being present as a parent. I saw her being wheeled out by paramedics throwing up pills and so on, it was horrific, then she committed suicide when I was 13.)
So as a bit of background I was basically living in fear all of the time, and desperate need for validation and love, as well as the need to protect her and my little brother, it was all just pure emotional and physical trauma. Always basically in survival mode. Although she was a wonderful person and a wonderful mother when she was well (I understand this may be hard to understand- as on the face of it you could easily say she was the worst mother ever but.. I was there- and I can’t take away from her the wonderful things she taught me)
Anyway I digress! The point is from age 2 up until age 13, my life was one big mess of emotional chaos and trauma. From there, I was passed around from family member to family member, often in extremely toxic environments. I recall being around age 15/16 and running away. To avoid the streets I (unbelievably) went to stay with my stepdad (I know 
) but I really didn’t want to live on the streets. After a while he sat me down and told me I had to leave. I was heartbroken thinking I had done something wrong. On the contrary- in his words (remember I was 15/16) I “reminded him too much of my mum and he ‘wanted’ me.” (This turned out later to be the tip of that vile iceberg). Then I went into the hands of social services who deemed me “too old” for proper housing with say foster care but too young yet for a real home of my own. In other words we can’t help you... so they put me in a bed and breakfast alone and gave me 5 pounds a day to live on. My life did improve to some extent and I ended up in college then university and then later got my own flat. By then I had run up huge debts. Was behind in many bills, and generally struggled to maintain or create any kind of proper home life schedule in terms of budgeting, shopping, paying bills and all of that stuff. I was often in the dark and freezing cold with no food because of my lack of skills meaning I had no money for those things. I struggled to maintain jobs, I just struggled. I was there for 7 years before I went to Paris, and met my now fiancé who I live with, in Paris, and he provides an excellent source of emotional support and has a very good job meaning that although I don’t work (I don’t speak the language despite living here for 3 years and I struggle to even go out) we don’t struggle for money. I am still clearly struggling to “be an adult”.
So when we first moved into this apartment (our second one) I was so happy. I had a cleaning cupboard, I kept it so lovely and clean and it was amazing. Then I suffered a really bad bout of long depression. And my fiancé and me let the place get out of control. Which made my depression and anxiety worse, and therefore my coping skills and house keeping skills worse. Like a cycle.
I have now gotten out of this cycle of depression and I want my home back!!! I want to learn to budget. I want to do shopping that doesn’t leave loads of out of date wasted food. I want to cook daily and clean daily (normal top up cleaning) and plan my budget and shopping around the weekly meals. He works so so hard to give us a wonderful life. I think the least I can do, instead of staying in bed depressed all day, is keep a nice home and cook dinner for us both, and do the food shopping (because when I got into my depression he was working hard, doing the shopping, getting my medicine, washing clothes, etc) and this really isn’t on. He’s been great about it, but that isn’t the point. I want to take all this stuff off his hands- he has recently become extremely stressed and quite unwell due to exhaustion and this was a big factor in me having my eyes forced open and waking me up to real life - pulling myself out of my depression. The shame of it!!
There are so many repairs I need to do. Painting too which is half finished. I need to also essentially clear out whole rooms to clean inside cupboards then re fill them after a sort out. I need to have a good sort through and get rid of clutter. I need to clean the sofa. I need to clean every single surface and continue the painting and do the repairs. All whilst implementing the new budget and cooking and shopping regime. I need to wash soooo many cushion covers and throws and clothes. I need to make space. There is so so so much that needs doing that I am just completely overwhelmed by it all. The whole place needs a complete overhaul, scrub, sort out and throw, clean, organise, and repairs as well as decorating finished. All whilst maintaining said food and shopping stuff as above.
I don’t know where to start, it’s all so overwhelming that I feel massively stressed at the idea of it all. It makes it so hard to just even start! I don’t know where to start! I have a list of all that needs doing, and I have made charts for budgets and things like that.
But practically speaking I don’t know where to start. All I see is the whole thing. I struggle to break it down in my mind. I’m lost.
Does anyone have any kind of advice or ideas on how I can start the process and see things I can do one at a time rather than seeing the whole thing and being overwhelmed? Has anyone been in similar, and gotten through it? And how? Anything would be helpful right now. I am so ashamed and I really really miss the beginning when we first moved in and I had my cleaning cupboard and everything was done to the T- I even used to dry the kitchen sink I was that “on top” of things. I miss that so terribly!
I never had a role model ever, to see how a house should be run. Although I know how, it was never ingrained in me and my mental health and trauma means that even though I technically “know” how to be a proper adult, it’s very hard for me to actually put it into place. Especially when I get depressed. Once our home is back to normal I know it’s so much easier to keep on top of. But how do I get back there? It’s so very overwhelming. I’m scared.
Please help?
Find cleaning advice from other Mumsnetters on our Housekeeping forum.
Housekeeping
With no parents as a child to help me to learn cleaning/ organisational/ budgeting skills, my home has become horrific and I am hoping someone has tips please? Possible TW in my background
LadyInParis · 27/02/2021 15:02
@Dugee
This all sounds rather exciting to me you have been through the worst and you are going to have a fresh start. On and up!!
Yesss! I’m feeling so excited now!! Thanks to these posts!!!
This is a great way to view it. OP you sound lovely and I hope everything works out for you.
Exactly- some wonderful posts that view things in a very helpful way.. they have been major in making me feel more positive and less self bashing. Thank you for your well wishes it means a lot.
I agree with putting some music on while you are cleaning, my running and cleaning playlists are the same.
I shall be doing this!! It does help motivate doesn’t it!
I'd also agree with making a big list and then breaking it down to do-able chunks and just getting started. Even if you only manage to clear out a drawer today, it's a start.
This is very true. Better to have small goals I actually finish rather than massive ones I am too scared to even start!
@fallenover
Look for Team Tomm on Facebook or Fly Lady - both have great systems which work. Good Luck.
Thank you I will look for these, I appreciate helpful links as it helps me to get in the frame of mind to help my self.
@RafaIsTheKingOfClay
Adulting is very difficult with depression and anxiety. Been here a lot before. Best thing to do is break things up into really small, manageable tasks that you can achieve and don’t set a goal of doing too many just yet. If you pick a bunch of stuff from your list and set yourself a goal of doing it over the next week but don’t manage it, you are going to feel much worse than if you’d maybe just picked 3 things but ended up doing all of them and more.
This is a wonderful point!! I would much rather feel good for small tasks being accomplished- than feeling crap for massive tasks that I am too terrified to even try. This is a wonderful idea not only practically, but in terms of mental health. I am sorry you have been through tough mental health too. It isn’t easy at all.
The photo idea is a really good one
Yes I love this idea and I certainly am doing it! Room by room I will take a before and after and post here. It might help others too, to see my difficulty now, then see my finished work both before and after despite my own obstacles. They will know that if I can do it (and see the physical benefit in my pics) then they definitely can too!
@Dugee
OP you've also inspired me to start clearing the spare room. It's become a bit of a dumping ground (no visitors for months due to the various lockdowns). Don't be too hard on yourself, it's very easy to let these things pile up (literally in my case, as I look at my spare room 😃). I'm going to put some music on and do an hour before dinner.
I’m very glad for this! It’s nice to see some benefit for others too- I’m glad that you have been inspired!
Thank you to all you lovely amazing posters who have done the same for me 
Watch out for before and after pictures 
@snowdropsandcrocuses
Thank you for your post! I think I will start with my cleaning cupboard (it’s the size of a wardrobe). So that when I start other areas, I’ll have all my rags, cloths, cleaning products, mop hoover brushes bleach etc, to hand right away. It’s not a massive job nor is it small- just right really! One big cupboard that makes sure I don’t have the excuse of “wellllll my cleaning stuff is buried under piles of crap” but also a relatively easy (compared to all the kitchen) job. Then I will have all I need to do the rest 
@Purplerayhan
Go you! We're here to cheer you on!
Thank you so much! I’m so excited! I have taken before pics of the inside and outside of my cleaning cupboard in preparation for my cleaning of it all (yes the outside of the door really is that bad trust me!) so that once I get it sorted this evening, not only will it be done (the inside anyway- the outside needs a lick of paint and a bit of wall plastering doing first) I’ll have pics ready of before so that I can compare the after and feel great- and also post them! I’m excited now! This Eve I’ll do inside, and post pics, and tomorrow I’ll repair the plaster outside and paint just that area (the corner plaster- thank you for that damage crazy separation anxiety dog 
) and post pics when that has dried and been able to be painted too. Then the rest. I might start with the hall and toilet room and shower room as they require the least work as they are smaller and much less full of junk. So from a mental health standpoint, I think it will make me feel better knowing that three rooms plus my precious cleaning cupboard are done, and I can then tackle the harder rooms whilst feeling accomplishment of the other three plus cleaning cupboard which will spur me on for those. I hope! I know it’ll be better to do kitchen and bedroom first for similar reasons and practical ones so I’m not 100 percent yet. It’s a toss up at the moment between - cleaning cupboard, then kitchen then bedroom, or cleaning cupboard, then hall, then toilet room then shower room (so that I’m seeing fast easier progress from smaller rooms to motivate the harder rooms.) Then again- I could also do cleaning cupboard, and start on the hall since the plaster in the corner is part of the hall and the cupboard too.. I’ll see how I get on.. so many exciting options now and I’m excited at all the options! Which is great and means no matter which way I do it all, it’s gonna get done now!
@Oblomov21
Many of my friends struggle to get started because the mountain seems too big
This is exactly it for me!
I don't see it that way. Even a little bit is progress. You might have piles and piles of bills / post piled up. And people don't start because the piles piles are just too big but I don't see that way why not take pick up a pile and manageable pile of say 4 inches and sort them straight then put them in a pile for filing been the rest at least if you do a little bit you have actually started and made progress and this is good. It's at least something.
This is a great way to view it in a healthy way; and I’m excited because I’m starting to view it this way now too; now that I have revealed my “dirty secret” (and it was a dirty shameful secret to me) to this post, and taken away not only the shame and self disgust, but also found myself empowered by other women (and men?) who have not judged me and also been incredibly supportive.
If it's overwhelming. Start with a few bits that are easy and make a big difference. Put a load of washing on, put a load in the dishwasher, take a pile of clothes and put some of the them away in your cupboard even if it's only T-shirts and pants. clean some of the kitchen surfaces.
before you know it you've made quite a difference.
Indeed! I’m so excited to get started! I think 100 percent that once I actually start- I will go for longer than intended and get more done than I planned (though in my mind I am only doing the cleaning cupboard!) so we will see! Even if I only do the cleaning cupboard- because of its size and its usefulness in eradicating any “excuses” due to “not having all my cleaning products to hand” I will be so happy and it will make any progress going forward much easier as I’ll have all necessary cleaning products to hand. So either way- if I’m motivated to do more, or I just do that. I will have made great progress
@snowdropsandcrocuses
With the ornaments, do you really need to post things home? Be really strict on yourself. If it isn't super useful (and regularly used), seriously sentimental or beautiful then get rid. Either bin or charity shop. Sell only if it is valuable. Keeping things because 'oh I am going to sell that' just means you hold onto boxes of things and selling them takes time to list, package, post etc. Be tough on yourself and never buy more ornaments until you have dealt with the ones you have.
This is the thing- in Paris there are no charity shops. I won’t be able to sell things on as they aren’t valuable. But they are things I really like and are lovely. So I would find binning really difficult as I hate that kind of waste. Well to me it is. But you’re totally right! It’s hard for me. Although I am not a hoarder in the usual sense, what I have done here is basically gone overboard when I went to the flea market pre Covid- but not finished painting therefore haven’t yet put up on the walls etc. So I don’t know what is “clutter that I won’t use” versus items that have been stashed away that we will. Therefore actually are at the moment clutter! If that makes sense. So, once I have finished cleaning, I will have probably one box of ornament I haven’t yet used. I will go through it and either use them- put them up on walls etc. Or have to throw them. There isn’t a massive amount, we just haven’t got round to finishing decorating and therefore finalising the actual ornamental side. Although there is loads of stuff that is non ornamental that I will happily throw away once I go through it- for example unused clothing. I will have to take a careful and strict approach to make sure I don’t hold on to anything that we don’t use after all of it is sorted through though. Ie decorations. I can be over sentimental so will have to watch this during this process that I don’t hold onto unused items. There must be some charity in Paris that I can take items to that I don’t use. I’ll have to research this. Basically I need to sort current clutter into - useful, decor, necessary, sentimental, and won’t use/ rubbish / no longer necessary. If that all made any sense
@ThisTooShallBeFantastic
Thank you for this post. I found it really helpful in terms of what order things should be done. There is definite clutter that I could just pick up, Chuck it, then there is the stuff that will need sorting (ornaments etc- I do want to go through our shelves and actively and selectively pick through it all to create a more minimal look) very helpful post in terms of cleaning vs repairs and decorating
- Clutter free surfaces definitely easier to maintain than clutter.
- Groceries - meat, veg, dairy, carbs and WINE
Routine example works for me:
- Breakfast coffee etc then dishes immediately into dishwasher. Wipe surfaces. Bleach on a cloth and hot water.
2 Hoover round - takes 10 mins or less. Get a dyson lifesaver!
- Bathroom - daily wipe sink, bleach the loo, wipe seat etc with loo roll and flush. DONT flush wipes tho.
- Bedrooms - hoover make bed
Relax! It will all fall into place with a little bit each day. I save the big cleanups for once a month when I have the mental energy.
Not everyone is naturally pristine because we would much rather be using our intelligence or creativity in other things. You sound really intelligent and strong. It's amazing the life you have created for yourself out of so much early trauma. Paris apartment and a caring DH? Better than a tidy house any day!! I wish you all the best in the world.
@Tlollj
Ooh I wish I lived near you I’d come and help.
One room at a time, one corner of one room at a time, one cupboard even.
Oh if only! Free holiday for anyone who wants to clean my apartment .. no takers? Ah I don’t blame ya! Haha thank you. I however do need to learn to do this stuff on my own. Learn self motivation and that kind of thing.
Be ruthless Chuck out any rubbish. Good luck.
I definitely need to work on this!
Oh and well done for turning out so lovely.
How sweet- that means a lot. Thank you so much
@Heyha
What a lovely thread! I was just going to say I think if it were me I'd get my lovely cleaning cupboard done first (as you mention how much you liked it a few times) but I see you've already mentioned that.
Yes I think it’s been really nice and lovely this thread hasn’t it! And yes- oddly my cleaning cupboard was a great sense of pride and something I miss terribly. It’s a large wardrobe size cupboard with loads of space on the bottom for hoovers and multiple mop and buckets and brooms. Then a shelf head level with me (just about- I have to reach a little!) I used for bottles and sprays. Then a high shelf above that for things I don’t use often and would have to get a chair to stand on. And just below the lowest shelf, between that and the floor part, but just underneath the lowest shelf, is a rod all the way across which i used to hang rags and old tea towels on for cleaning- all different sizes. I loved it. Now it’s full of crap. Old rabbit carriers for the vets. Bags of dog food in no particular order etc. It’s terrible. I miss my cleaning cupboard! So yes I will focus on it first like you said as it’ll be a good morale boost.
Also don't forget to schedule in some down time for yourself and also if you've set a task but really feel motivated to do something else at that time, do the thing that you are motivated to do. You're still doing useful things each time, just makes it slightly less of a chore that way
This is a good idea the only thing I would say is that I take too much down time. I struggle because I tend to find that my mental struggles really take it out of me physically. However, lately I have been focusing more on our relationship and cooking for us and we have grown closer because of that time and effort which has been great. It’s nice for him that he sees me making an effort because he’s always working and doing everything during my depression and it’s really hit him hard. So now we’re really working to “hear” each other and respect each other and work together and me work more on things that make him feel nice and take the pressure off. But of course after the mental workouts in my head and fixing the relationship and cooking I end up so tired that I take too much down time. I need to get my energy to a better place as I waste a lot of time. I appreciate greatly your sentiment however- it is important that I reward my house overhaul with down time and don’t overdo it all. Thank you 🙏
@Purplerayhan
You've done the hardest bit .... made a start and made a plan.
Well done 🤗
Thank you so much I appreciate this. Every person who posts with support and kindness takes the power of the “shame” away. And makes the whole thing much easier for me. I really appreciate you and all the posters
@Comfortzone
1. Clutter free surfaces definitely easier to maintain than clutter.
Oh yes! I’m looking forward to clearing the ornaments of ones I don’t want or don’t think are necessary and having more space!
2. Groceries - meat, veg, dairy, carbs and WINE
I don’t drink- can I change to 
please?
Routine example works for me:
1. Breakfast coffee etc then dishes immediately into dishwasher. Wipe surfaces. Bleach on a cloth and hot water.
I miss the days of being able to do this as it was what I always used to do. Now I have to just clear a space for cooking each day and make do. I’m looking forward to being able to have it this simple again in the future once it’s all cleared out!
2 Hoover round - takes 10 mins or less. Get a dyson lifesaver!
Again as above- I also miss being able to have a good bleach with my fancy mop!!
3. Bathroom - daily wipe sink, bleach the loo, wipe seat etc with loo roll and flush. DONT flush wipes tho.
As above!
4. Bedrooms - hoover make bed
As above 😭😭 I miss my simple little cleaning list and all the above. I can easily maintain my clean home (and really enjoy doing so!) but through my depression it got so bad it’s now disgusting. I look forward to being able to do all the above again in future even if I get depression again (likely) it’s still such a small amount, and I think I’ll certainly learn from this that the longer I do without the small things that take a few mins- depression or not- the worse I’ll be and for longer. So that when the fog lifts , like now, it will be harder to keep my depression away. In other words work through the depression as best I can with a list like yours so that when I am well again. I’m not going through this again!
Relax! It will all fall into place with a little bit each day. I save the big cleanups for once a month when I have the mental energy.
Thank you for this- indeed it’s a very good point. It isn’t necessary to “big clean” more than once a month or so, if you keep up the small things in the meantime.
Not everyone is naturally pristine because we would much rather be using our intelligence or creativity in other things. You sound really intelligent and strong. It's amazing the life you have created for yourself out of so much early trauma. Paris apartment and a caring DH? Better than a tidy house any day!! I wish you all the best in the world.
Thank you so much for this message. It means a lot it really really does. I can’t believe the kindness from yourself and throughout this thread. I was expecting to be flamed for being a pig your words mean more to me than you’ll know
Don’t want to miss threads like this?
Weekly
Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!
Log in to update your newsletter preferences.
You've subscribed!
I'd love room by room update pictures, you might motivate me to get my ass in gear! Go for it room by room, if it takes two days or a week, who cares?! You're doing it. I think you sound like a truly lovely woman, and you are definitely one of the most admirable and brave posters I've come across on mumsnet
Op if you were UK based I’d come help you no matter the distance.
You sound so insightful and strong, I have no doubt you can get through this, it’s almost nothing compared to things you’ve fought your way through before to reach adulthood with a home and a partner.
Although I’m usually a big advocate of passing things on for reuse and not wasting resources by throwing things out, there are some situations where actually, the need to dispose of things far outweighs the need to reuse / recycle, and this is one of those times!
If you don’t love it or use it then it goes, into a bin bag, or if you can contact somewhere like Emmaus and they can use it, into a ready labelled box for them, but you are not allowed to be hard on yourself if actually just throwing things away makes it less stressful to get the job done.
Wishing you the best for sorting things and looking forward to the before and after photos, and really hope there is some canine photobombing going on! 
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.