So as above, I never had effective parents (so called father ditched when I was 2, mum then married stepfather when I was 4, and all I saw from then until she committed suicide when I was 13, was an alternate cycle between when she left him and became a happy and sober single wonderful mother who taught me how to be the kind genuine and considerate person I am today, and she was lots of fun, and the other half of the cycle where she got back with him, and exposed me to viewing extreme physical abuse from him to her, and then her subsequent drinking and not being present as a parent. I saw her being wheeled out by paramedics throwing up pills and so on, it was horrific, then she committed suicide when I was 13.)
So as a bit of background I was basically living in fear all of the time, and desperate need for validation and love, as well as the need to protect her and my little brother, it was all just pure emotional and physical trauma. Always basically in survival mode. Although she was a wonderful person and a wonderful mother when she was well (I understand this may be hard to understand- as on the face of it you could easily say she was the worst mother ever but.. I was there- and I can’t take away from her the wonderful things she taught me)
Anyway I digress! The point is from age 2 up until age 13, my life was one big mess of emotional chaos and trauma. From there, I was passed around from family member to family member, often in extremely toxic environments. I recall being around age 15/16 and running away. To avoid the streets I (unbelievably) went to stay with my stepdad (I know 
) but I really didn’t want to live on the streets. After a while he sat me down and told me I had to leave. I was heartbroken thinking I had done something wrong. On the contrary- in his words (remember I was 15/16) I “reminded him too much of my mum and he ‘wanted’ me.” (This turned out later to be the tip of that vile iceberg). Then I went into the hands of social services who deemed me “too old” for proper housing with say foster care but too young yet for a real home of my own. In other words we can’t help you... so they put me in a bed and breakfast alone and gave me 5 pounds a day to live on. My life did improve to some extent and I ended up in college then university and then later got my own flat. By then I had run up huge debts. Was behind in many bills, and generally struggled to maintain or create any kind of proper home life schedule in terms of budgeting, shopping, paying bills and all of that stuff. I was often in the dark and freezing cold with no food because of my lack of skills meaning I had no money for those things. I struggled to maintain jobs, I just struggled. I was there for 7 years before I went to Paris, and met my now fiancé who I live with, in Paris, and he provides an excellent source of emotional support and has a very good job meaning that although I don’t work (I don’t speak the language despite living here for 3 years and I struggle to even go out) we don’t struggle for money. I am still clearly struggling to “be an adult”.
So when we first moved into this apartment (our second one) I was so happy. I had a cleaning cupboard, I kept it so lovely and clean and it was amazing. Then I suffered a really bad bout of long depression. And my fiancé and me let the place get out of control. Which made my depression and anxiety worse, and therefore my coping skills and house keeping skills worse. Like a cycle.
I have now gotten out of this cycle of depression and I want my home back!!! I want to learn to budget. I want to do shopping that doesn’t leave loads of out of date wasted food. I want to cook daily and clean daily (normal top up cleaning) and plan my budget and shopping around the weekly meals. He works so so hard to give us a wonderful life. I think the least I can do, instead of staying in bed depressed all day, is keep a nice home and cook dinner for us both, and do the food shopping (because when I got into my depression he was working hard, doing the shopping, getting my medicine, washing clothes, etc) and this really isn’t on. He’s been great about it, but that isn’t the point. I want to take all this stuff off his hands- he has recently become extremely stressed and quite unwell due to exhaustion and this was a big factor in me having my eyes forced open and waking me up to real life - pulling myself out of my depression. The shame of it!!
There are so many repairs I need to do. Painting too which is half finished. I need to also essentially clear out whole rooms to clean inside cupboards then re fill them after a sort out. I need to have a good sort through and get rid of clutter. I need to clean the sofa. I need to clean every single surface and continue the painting and do the repairs. All whilst implementing the new budget and cooking and shopping regime. I need to wash soooo many cushion covers and throws and clothes. I need to make space. There is so so so much that needs doing that I am just completely overwhelmed by it all. The whole place needs a complete overhaul, scrub, sort out and throw, clean, organise, and repairs as well as decorating finished. All whilst maintaining said food and shopping stuff as above.
I don’t know where to start, it’s all so overwhelming that I feel massively stressed at the idea of it all. It makes it so hard to just even start! I don’t know where to start! I have a list of all that needs doing, and I have made charts for budgets and things like that.
But practically speaking I don’t know where to start. All I see is the whole thing. I struggle to break it down in my mind. I’m lost.
Does anyone have any kind of advice or ideas on how I can start the process and see things I can do one at a time rather than seeing the whole thing and being overwhelmed? Has anyone been in similar, and gotten through it? And how? Anything would be helpful right now. I am so ashamed and I really really miss the beginning when we first moved in and I had my cleaning cupboard and everything was done to the T- I even used to dry the kitchen sink I was that “on top” of things. I miss that so terribly!
I never had a role model ever, to see how a house should be run. Although I know how, it was never ingrained in me and my mental health and trauma means that even though I technically “know” how to be a proper adult, it’s very hard for me to actually put it into place. Especially when I get depressed. Once our home is back to normal I know it’s so much easier to keep on top of. But how do I get back there? It’s so very overwhelming. I’m scared.
Please help?
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Housekeeping
With no parents as a child to help me to learn cleaning/ organisational/ budgeting skills, my home has become horrific and I am hoping someone has tips please? Possible TW in my background
LadyInParis · 27/02/2021 15:02
They did photo bomb the before pics of the cleaning cupboard!
WHICH IS NOW DONE!!!!!!!!!
Woo fecking HOO!
I would never have thought so much shite was in there.. until he got the lot out 
we sat through it all and brutally just threw away things. It’s a weird cupboard it has like a half shelf above the two shelves so we have house paint very top. Animals food and bedding and such on the top full shelf. And cleaning products on the bottom full shelf. Then a mop without the mop part. A broom without a broom part 
and a bag full of empty bags to use as we empty the other rooms later. And then the hoover. So we need to find the other stuff (buckets and brushes etc) and buy new stuff (attachment for broom and bleach and sprays) and find all my rags and then my cleaning cupboard will be my own again!!!
Guess how much rubbish came out of one wardrobe size cupboard?? 5 GIANT BAGS WORTH!!
It’s still a tip outside (as in the plaster on the corner and filthy doors needing and wipe and paint) and the cleaning product shelf needs topping up as well as new brooms in the bottom part and to find my rags to put on my hanging shelf for cleaning but I can post before and after if you like? Though it isn’t finished in terms of it’s not topped up with all my cleaning stuff and isn’t painted, it was rather a hefty job so might be something worth seeing?
Also thank you every single one of you! Really. Thank you for your wonderful advice, your beautiful words re my past vs my present (it means the world!) and the encouragement. I feel amazing and the shocker of it all? Up until half an hour ago I was half asleep struggling despite renewed mental energy. I kicked myself up the arse. Downed a red bull, and got going and it took maybe half an hour? For quite the job! I’m so HAPPY! I can’t WAIT to go and buy new brooms and sprays and mop heads and all that for my cleaning cupboard! Which means I can’t wait to get cleaning!! That’s for tomorrow 
You have had so much good advice, OP, that I won't bombard you with too much more. Just to say, I use a combination of TOMM as someone mentioned before and Flylady routines and it has helped SO much. There is a great lady called flylady Kat on YouTube who speaks a lot of sense. But flylady can be overwhelming at first so don't feel you have to do all of it.Also, a bit of flexibility and tailoring to my own situation.
You don't want to burn yourself out so I would stick to maximum of 2 hours a day of organising/cleaning, then cooking as well so another half an hour. Is that manageable for you? Once your apartment is decluttered, you can maintain it more quickly.
I said I wasn't going to give you much advice but I can't stop!
- sort out clutter first as you can't clean clutter. Not sure how much clutter you have right now but you could choose your 4 - 5 main spaces and do 15 minute room rescue in each space. Get three containers/bags whatever - put away, throw away, give away, set a timer and work in each room until timer goes off, then move onto next room. This is called Crisis cleaning. You could probably do that for an hour or so and then have a break and do one more hour. If that is too overwhelming, then just do a shelf or a cupboard in the 15 mins and stick to one room for the whole time.
Then, you can move onto establishing routines for daily tasks and maintenance morning and evening or whatever works for you.
Progress not perfection.
Try and be your future friend.
These mantras helped me.
Be kind to yourself too and it might take a while.
Good luck. We are rooting for you.
Tsk- meant to say dogs photo bombing said shite for tasty trash treats don’t ask.. And they wonder why they are on diet food!!
And finally a clear shot of the cleaning cupboard. As I said organised animal stuff on top, cleaning products on bottom shelf. Then the hangers for my rags (and the dogs leads hung up I think for the first time) the bottom is a bag full of bags for cleaning the rest of the house but soon will be as it once was- full of brooms and mops and buckets. And we need to put the hoover in there- it’s currently in shower room I’m sure fiancé had his reasons for that! (To be fair he until tonight he had nowhere for it!) so just have to re stock the cleaning stuff .. I’m so happy! It doesn’t look much but when it’s full of brooms and fancy mops and sprays and hoover et al... it’s my point of pride (well, after a wipe and paint job as currently looks gross!) I can clean anything when I have my cleaning cupboard!!
for your first of many successes!That's a great start. I have to say we have a cupboard like that and I consider my flat over all clean and tidy.
I'd suggest your next step to be your bedroom as much as possible, even if it's just the space you can see. You need a sanctuary where you can retreat when things become too much, a room you can relax in without adding even more things to your "to do list", a room where you can see all you've achieved rather than what you haven't. Then when you're relaxed and have tangible proof that you "can" do this, you can tackle the wardrobes,cupboards whatever else safe in the knowledge that if you get overwhelmed, you can just shut the doors and have your lovely room back until next time.
@Adarajames
Yay!! Go you! star brew cake for your first of many successes!
Thank you I couldn’t have done it without the support here, really!!
@AccidentallyOnPurpose
That's a great start. I have to say we have a cupboard like that and I consider my flat over all clean and tidy. grin
Haha that’s just one of all of our cupboards like this I just wanted my cleaning cupboard back so that I would feel motivated to clean. When we first moved in that cupboard kept me motivated to keep everything spotless so I thought if I am going to start anywhere- it should be the cupboard that motivates me! Daft as it is haha!
I'd suggest your next step to be your bedroom as much as possible, even if it's just the space you can see. You need a sanctuary where you can retreat when things become too much, a room you can relax in without adding even more things to your "to do list", a room where you can see all you've achieved rather than what you haven't. Then when you're relaxed and have tangible proof that you "can" do this, you can tackle the wardrobes,cupboards whatever else safe in the knowledge that if you get overwhelmed, you can just shut the doors and have your lovely room back until next time.
This is a good point. I think I will top up my cleaning cupboard with lovely smelling products, and fancy mops etc. Then blitz the shit out of everywhere. Then start on the paint job and repairs, and along the way keep chucking out the shite. I’m not sure which room to do first because I would like a clean kitchen- but as you say I do need a clean resting place too. So I’ll have to see on that one!! Now I have my cleaning cupboard back which is a great source of motivation for me, the apartment is my oyster! I feel great now I have started, thank you for your help and insight 
Although I have to say it would be quicker to do the bedroom so I think given as you said most time relaxing is spent there, I’ll do that first. Then the kitchen. I’m getting all excited! For the next rooms I’ll post before and the after I will only post when the doors and paint and floor aren’t gross haha. Because I would really like for others in my position to see the true gross beginning and the true lovely shiny white finished ending, so it will hopefully help others who feel the same as me.
I’m so grateful to all (and a little high on red bull which I don’t normally drink ) and super excited. This is my ideal start! Now I can sort all my products for my cleaning cupboard and just blitz each room, quick coat of white paint, and bobs your bastard!! I’m SO happy! I don’t think I would have done this today if not for all the support here. The shame and the self disgust was truly weighing down my motivation and morale. All of you who posted, every single one of you have not only not judged me, therefore taking the power out of the shame and disgust, but also motivated me and have given me so much well needed advice which I certainly will use.
As well as your confirmations of how far I have come given my beginnings. I think I needed to hear that, though I didn’t realise it. It made me appreciate the life I have now.
Thank you all, from my heart.
@LadyInParis
I’m so grateful to all (and a little high on red bull which I don’t normally drink
) and super excited. This is my ideal start! Now I can sort all my products for my cleaning cupboard and just blitz each room, quick coat of white paint, and bobs your bastard!! I’m SO happy! I don’t think I would have done this today if not for all the support here. The shame and the self disgust was truly weighing down my motivation and morale. All of you who posted, every single one of you have not only not judged me, therefore taking the power out of the shame and disgust, but also motivated me and have given me so much well needed advice which I certainly will use. As well as your confirmations of how far I have come given my beginnings. I think I needed to hear that, though I didn’t realise it. It made me appreciate the life I have now.
Thank you all, from my heart.
Sounds like a great plan.
Do the clean properly first and then sort out the paint and repairs. Everything will need to be clean and tidy anyways in order to do that and it might be an added incentive to keep on top of it.
If you like white and the clean look go for it, but if you actually enjoy some colour and have the fund for it do some research and have a look at other colours ,get excited about it. Again added incentive to keep on top of it so you can see the lovely colour/pattern and they'd bring a smile on your face every time you see them.
OH just repainted the kitchen cupboards in a dark blue. They make me giddy everytime i enter the kitchen, so pretty and shiny. Then I get my ass in gear to have everything tidy and clean around them so it doesn't ruin the look.
My mind works in odd ways.🙈
Thank you! I’m so excited to get it done! I think tomorrow I will-
Go buy cleaning products and new mop head
Clean the kitchen/ or bedroom
Rest
I want to take advantage of the motivation as it doesn’t occur often! When my home is generally tidy and clean, as when we first moved, it didn’t need much motivation as the fact it was always clean meant not much needed keeping on top of. But it’s been a very very bad year depression wise. So while I do want to be kind to myself and not over do things (which you are very much correct about!) I do want to take advantage of the motivation while I have it. So that for a short period I will be busy sorted out the mess I made for myself, but after that I will only ever need a few mins per day to get any top up cleaning done.
I do understand what you mean- but it’s a bit of a tricky one isn’t it, a fine line. Between using the energy and motivation while I have it. And not putting myself under unnecessary stress.
Physically speaking; I could get it all done in two days. But I won’t do that as that would require all day morning til night and I could lose the will by day two and mess the lot up. So what do you think of just doing room by room? One room could be done in 2 hours or so. (Not including the time it takes for pillow cases to be washed and dried of course) then once all done, the painting and repairs probably in one long day or two short days. What does everyone think of this as a compromise? 2 or so hours per day on each room (30 mins each max for hall bathroom and shower room) and then two half days for painting and repairs? Then a half day for putting up wall decor and arranging the freshly cleaned bedding/ throws/ pillow covers? All with the proviso that if I don’t feel like much on one of those days- I just do say- one cupboard or one small job, so as not to push myself too far but still achieve something?
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Just had a quick assessment and actually, it isn’t as bad as it was in my head. I mean, it’s bad enough- but it isn’t the ginormous most disgusting mountain of shite that it was in my head. I’m not sure if the success of the cleaning cupboard has restored some kind of reality but.. this is what I have to do total;
Lounge
Declutter/ Organise all cupboards and shelves and dust them.
Clean the sofa.
Dust and arrange fireplace area.
Paint the window frames and door (already prepared the masking tape so don’t need to do that)
Dust the tv table and tv.
Wash throws and pillows.
Hoover and mop floor
Clean skirting boards.
Clean windows and door glass panels
Bedroom
Declutter and organise work desk and dust.
Arrange and sort wardrobe and clothes.
Dust and arrange fireplace area.
Redo clean bedding. Wash old bedding.
Clear out under bed.
Hoover and mop floor.
Paint door and window frame. (Already taped)
Clean skirting boards.
Clean windows.
Hall
Wipe down doors.
Repair the corner of the wall plaster.
Sand down slight damage to door frame.
Paint cleaning cupboard door, and room rail in light mint (already taped for this)
Paint other doors white (kitchen, toilet, lounge, bedroom and shower room- all access off this hall)
Clean and paint skirting boards.
Hoover and mop floor.
Toilet room
Bleach all the skirting tiles.
Remove clutter that was chucked there as “storage”.
Bleach floor.
Bleach toilet.
Paint inside of door.
Remove old tape from previous paint job a few months ago when we re did it in white
Shower room
Declutter unused products.
Clean shower and sink and glass shelves.
Bleach floor.
Paint inside door.
Clean mirror.
Bleach wall tiles.
Remove old tape from a few months ago when we repainted the white door frame.
Kitchen
Clear out all cupboard- clean then declutter and refill in more organised way
Clear and declutter all counter tops and clean
Clean front top and sides of all appliances
Clean sink
Clean tiles
Paint door frame and windows (already taped)
Remove old tape from painting walls a few months ago
Clean skirting
Bleach and mop floor
Clean windows and glass panels in door
Clean bin and put new bag inside
Empty fridge, bleach. And refill in date order
Clean inside microwave (don’t have oven)
Clean hot plate thingy (we can use pans on that!)
And Misc
*Empty hoover and clean mop
*Clean dogs bed
*Just cleaned out birds rabbits and fish- but spot clean where needed
*Clean dog bowls
*Wash all throws and bedding and pillow covers and put back / put extra away
*Organise the laundry basket so it’s clear to other half where dirty socks go (half joking!)
*Hoover and clean the rugs (we change where they go)
That will all get me: one newly decorated, freshly cleaned and sparkly fresh home- top to toe! Germ free clutter free wonderful home!
@LadyInParis
Lounge
Declutter/ Organise all cupboards and shelves and dust them.
Clean the sofa.
Dust and arrange fireplace area.
Paint the window frames and door (already prepared the masking tape so don’t need to do that)
Dust the tv table and tv.
Wash throws and pillows.
Hoover and mop floor
Clean skirting boards.
Clean windows and door glass panels
Bedroom
Declutter and organise work desk and dust.
Arrange and sort wardrobe and clothes.
Dust and arrange fireplace area.
Redo clean bedding. Wash old bedding.
Clear out under bed.
Hoover and mop floor.
Paint door and window frame. (Already taped)
Clean skirting boards.
Clean windows.
Hall
Wipe down doors.
Repair the corner of the wall plaster.
Sand down slight damage to door frame.
Paint cleaning cupboard door, and room rail in light mint (already taped for this)
Paint other doors white (kitchen, toilet, lounge, bedroom and shower room- all access off this hall)
Clean and paint skirting boards.
Hoover and mop floor.
Toilet room
Bleach all the skirting tiles.
Remove clutter that was chucked there as “storage”.
Bleach floor.
Bleach toilet.
Paint inside of door.
Remove old tape from previous paint job a few months ago when we re did it in white
Shower room
Declutter unused products.
Clean shower and sink and glass shelves.
Bleach floor.
Paint inside door.
Clean mirror.
Bleach wall tiles.
Remove old tape from a few months ago when we repainted the white door frame.
Kitchen
Clear out all cupboard- clean then declutter and refill in more organised way
Clear and declutter all counter tops and clean
Clean front top and sides of all appliances
Clean sink
Clean tiles
Paint door frame and windows (already taped)
Remove old tape from painting walls a few months ago
Clean skirting
Bleach and mop floor
Clean windows and glass panels in door
Clean bin and put new bag inside
Empty fridge, bleach. And refill in date order
Clean inside microwave (don’t have oven)
Clean hot plate thingy (we can use pans on that!)
And Misc
*Empty hoover and clean mop
*Clean dogs bed
*Just cleaned out birds rabbits and fish- but spot clean where needed
*Clean dog bowls
*Wash all throws and bedding and pillow covers and put back / put extra away
*Organise the laundry basket so it’s clear to other half where dirty socks go
(half joking!)*Hoover and clean the rugs (we change where they go)
That will all get me: one newly decorated, freshly cleaned and sparkly fresh home- top to toe! Germ free clutter free wonderful home!
That really really isn't too bad. I've seen/heard worse after just a bad week not a long period of depression.
Ofc it looks like a massive project written down like that and it can feel overwhelming when you're not buzzing on motivation (and red bull) but it's all doable, especially one room at a time and if you (and your fiancé) keep what do sort out clean and tidy and on top of it.
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