So as above, I never had effective parents (so called father ditched when I was 2, mum then married stepfather when I was 4, and all I saw from then until she committed suicide when I was 13, was an alternate cycle between when she left him and became a happy and sober single wonderful mother who taught me how to be the kind genuine and considerate person I am today, and she was lots of fun, and the other half of the cycle where she got back with him, and exposed me to viewing extreme physical abuse from him to her, and then her subsequent drinking and not being present as a parent. I saw her being wheeled out by paramedics throwing up pills and so on, it was horrific, then she committed suicide when I was 13.)
So as a bit of background I was basically living in fear all of the time, and desperate need for validation and love, as well as the need to protect her and my little brother, it was all just pure emotional and physical trauma. Always basically in survival mode. Although she was a wonderful person and a wonderful mother when she was well (I understand this may be hard to understand- as on the face of it you could easily say she was the worst mother ever but.. I was there- and I can’t take away from her the wonderful things she taught me)
Anyway I digress! The point is from age 2 up until age 13, my life was one big mess of emotional chaos and trauma. From there, I was passed around from family member to family member, often in extremely toxic environments. I recall being around age 15/16 and running away. To avoid the streets I (unbelievably) went to stay with my stepdad (I know 
) but I really didn’t want to live on the streets. After a while he sat me down and told me I had to leave. I was heartbroken thinking I had done something wrong. On the contrary- in his words (remember I was 15/16) I “reminded him too much of my mum and he ‘wanted’ me.” (This turned out later to be the tip of that vile iceberg). Then I went into the hands of social services who deemed me “too old” for proper housing with say foster care but too young yet for a real home of my own. In other words we can’t help you... so they put me in a bed and breakfast alone and gave me 5 pounds a day to live on. My life did improve to some extent and I ended up in college then university and then later got my own flat. By then I had run up huge debts. Was behind in many bills, and generally struggled to maintain or create any kind of proper home life schedule in terms of budgeting, shopping, paying bills and all of that stuff. I was often in the dark and freezing cold with no food because of my lack of skills meaning I had no money for those things. I struggled to maintain jobs, I just struggled. I was there for 7 years before I went to Paris, and met my now fiancé who I live with, in Paris, and he provides an excellent source of emotional support and has a very good job meaning that although I don’t work (I don’t speak the language despite living here for 3 years and I struggle to even go out) we don’t struggle for money. I am still clearly struggling to “be an adult”.
So when we first moved into this apartment (our second one) I was so happy. I had a cleaning cupboard, I kept it so lovely and clean and it was amazing. Then I suffered a really bad bout of long depression. And my fiancé and me let the place get out of control. Which made my depression and anxiety worse, and therefore my coping skills and house keeping skills worse. Like a cycle.
I have now gotten out of this cycle of depression and I want my home back!!! I want to learn to budget. I want to do shopping that doesn’t leave loads of out of date wasted food. I want to cook daily and clean daily (normal top up cleaning) and plan my budget and shopping around the weekly meals. He works so so hard to give us a wonderful life. I think the least I can do, instead of staying in bed depressed all day, is keep a nice home and cook dinner for us both, and do the food shopping (because when I got into my depression he was working hard, doing the shopping, getting my medicine, washing clothes, etc) and this really isn’t on. He’s been great about it, but that isn’t the point. I want to take all this stuff off his hands- he has recently become extremely stressed and quite unwell due to exhaustion and this was a big factor in me having my eyes forced open and waking me up to real life - pulling myself out of my depression. The shame of it!!
There are so many repairs I need to do. Painting too which is half finished. I need to also essentially clear out whole rooms to clean inside cupboards then re fill them after a sort out. I need to have a good sort through and get rid of clutter. I need to clean the sofa. I need to clean every single surface and continue the painting and do the repairs. All whilst implementing the new budget and cooking and shopping regime. I need to wash soooo many cushion covers and throws and clothes. I need to make space. There is so so so much that needs doing that I am just completely overwhelmed by it all. The whole place needs a complete overhaul, scrub, sort out and throw, clean, organise, and repairs as well as decorating finished. All whilst maintaining said food and shopping stuff as above.
I don’t know where to start, it’s all so overwhelming that I feel massively stressed at the idea of it all. It makes it so hard to just even start! I don’t know where to start! I have a list of all that needs doing, and I have made charts for budgets and things like that.
But practically speaking I don’t know where to start. All I see is the whole thing. I struggle to break it down in my mind. I’m lost.
Does anyone have any kind of advice or ideas on how I can start the process and see things I can do one at a time rather than seeing the whole thing and being overwhelmed? Has anyone been in similar, and gotten through it? And how? Anything would be helpful right now. I am so ashamed and I really really miss the beginning when we first moved in and I had my cleaning cupboard and everything was done to the T- I even used to dry the kitchen sink I was that “on top” of things. I miss that so terribly!
I never had a role model ever, to see how a house should be run. Although I know how, it was never ingrained in me and my mental health and trauma means that even though I technically “know” how to be a proper adult, it’s very hard for me to actually put it into place. Especially when I get depressed. Once our home is back to normal I know it’s so much easier to keep on top of. But how do I get back there? It’s so very overwhelming. I’m scared.
Please help?
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With no parents as a child to help me to learn cleaning/ organisational/ budgeting skills, my home has become horrific and I am hoping someone has tips please? Possible TW in my background
LadyInParis · 27/02/2021 15:02
@YesIDoLoveCrisps
Thank you so much! They are- so so much better! Have kept the routine and very proud of myself 
@liverpool1981
Thank you! All is good 
sorry for late reply- if you go back the pics are here somewhere! Hope they help! How are you managing?
@TheSilveryPussycat
I’m so glad you’re getting it sorted! I know what you mean about the check- I can’t let anyone in the place (pre Covid especially in France!) if it isn’t top notch! Which it never was so- no guests for me! Roll on lock down ending! But I know what you mean re tidy/ not damaged, versus clean and nice!
I’m so glad you’re getting all sparkly!
Odd about the hoover 
Well, inspection went off fine - they are only looking to see I haven't done any damage, or if anything needs repairing. In fact I am certain they don't care about mess. But of course I care about looking messy, which is a good thing, and means the flat is looking much better than it was.
I am continuing slowly, as I am spring cleaning, rather than just cleaning round IYSWIM. Some rooms are beginning to sparkle
No sign of the hoover pipe
Hi hope is well with you
Can we see your before and after pics
I need some inspiration today to get my ass in gear.
@TheSilveryPussycat
Oh no! Keep me updated on the mystery of the missing hoover piece! How odd! I love a good hoover but with the hall, lounge and bedroom being wooden slats, and the kitchen shower and toilet being ceramic tiles, it makes an awful racket! So I have to make do mostly with a brush and a mop! Though I do love hoovering between the wooden slats with the thin part of the hoover and watching the dust come up 
so satisfying I also love a good mop with a bucket of water and bleach (mostly bleach )
Hope the inspection goes well!
@YesIDoLoveCrisps
Thank you for this- it’s been suggested a few times on here and though I have cleared the lot out and created a great routine now- never messy! I must give it a watch as it might have some ideas I haven’t thought of got to be good as lots have suggested her!
Forgot to mention that flat inspection was moved to 1st April . Hence I am not as advanced as I could have been.
Partly because I took the extension pipe of the hoover a few weeks ago, and it seems to have dematerialised, which makes hoovering the carpet somewhat annoying (it's a job I usually like).
The flat is quite small. I thought it would turn up, then I went actively looking, still not found it
I’d definitely eat them all in one sitting in less than 5 minutes
@TheSilveryPussycat
Just looked at that recipe and my mouth is watering. However, as there is only me, I would scoff the lot. Possibly in one sitting blush
Actually, that is sounding more and more like a good idea...
that’s the best idea! Hah! We’re ordering out tonight (pizza). And movie night again it’s a break from cooking for the week to order in!
Just looked at that recipe and my mouth is watering. However, as there is only me, I would scoff the lot. Possibly in one sitting
Actually, that is sounding more and more like a good idea...
I’m thinking of making some home made pasties. Cant be that hard- some mince, small diced carrot, peas, spices and salt, wrapped up in home made dough (flour milk salt eggs) and oven cooked
Duh! I forgot - potatoes too to make them.. actual pasties! in both versions!
Oooh all sounds so delicious thank you!
A poo chart
Will remember that re breast of lamb- I really don’t like fatty meat at all! Yet I love the edges of chops when you overcook them and they go a bit like pork cracking.. go figure
We don’t have a bbq sadly! I love the smell of lamb though so that’s no issue haha!
Going shopping today so I’ll maybe see what’s on offer meat wise!
I’m thinking of making some home made pasties. Cant be that hard- some mince, small diced carrot, peas, spices and salt, wrapped up in home made dough (flour milk salt eggs) and oven cooked.. I don’t know where I got this from but I would imagine that’s how to make them? Perhaps I cooked them in school economics lessons or something no idea! Or alternatively, to make it a sort of mix between my culture and his (kind of like the Tunisian brick but with dough instead of the thin slivers of crunchy whatever it is) I could put inside it- boiled egg, tuna, a tiny hint of harissa (his mum made it from scratch and sent it) and some peppers. Something like that! I’ll see
So we had a really nice night last night- he finished work and we rented the new version of jumanji (hilarious for anyone who hasn’t seen it!) and had some snacks and chilled on the pull out sofa with the dogs!
It was lovely because these days by the end of the day, usually he’s exhausted from work, and I’m not in the mood for doing anything much after cooking and cleaning. And since he snores like holy hell (apparently I do too!) and with the two snoring dogs- I get no sleep because it’s like snoring in surround sound with all three of them! And he doesn’t either. So he sleeps on the pull out in the lounge, me in the bed. This truly suits us very well we’re happy with it as we aren’t “cuddly sleepers” a la “Friends.” Anyway with the hum and ho of the daily routine and grind, we haven’t spent much time together lately. So last night we settled in together as above, in nice clean house (and his full belly after dinner haha) and spent time together.
Incidentally- has anyone else noticed that when you start cooking properly from scratch, that you don’t want to eat after you’ve done? Maybe it’s the tasting the food? I don’t know. So I don’t eat much really unless we’re doing easy next day leftovers! Then I eat a lot! (Well- two or three meals which is a lot for me).
@TheSilveryPussycat
I’m going to look at that recipe now before I shop thank you!
@justilou1
Sounds soooooo good!!!! Thanks 😊
@Slothkin
I really truly swear I didn’t even know breast of lamb existed sounds lovely so I think I’ll go for that! I didn’t have time to shop today (lockdown here means 5pm supermarket closing grr).
I’ll ask for that tomorrow thank you! Really appreciate your advice, it’s very helpful! Meat scares me in a weird way. It’s just so.. grown up! But I’ll tackle it! And learn
@justilou1
In the Netherlands they have these vending machines with Frikandellen and Kroketten and other deep-fried, crumbed meat of mysterious origin. I think the Frikandellen are almost universally scraps of horse meat (the worst bits) in THICK, gelatinous gravy, resembling a dog turd. Kroketten are similar, but white sauce. A seven on the Bristol Stool Chart.
Oh my.. 🤮 I’m scared to ask what the Bristol still chart is now 😂
@Slothkin
‘the fat tissue between the muscle’ is exactly what I meant by marbling! So pleased your scouse turned out grand, sounds delicious!
Ahh ok! I am really dim when it comes to actual meat - apart from it being beef, I really have no idea what part it was or anything! So that was marbling then, that’s good to know! Thank you for that! It was really very lovely! The meat was indescribably soft- it could have done with more salt but hey ho!
Ph and I used to be super super shy going to the butchers - but just kept doing it once a week and it finally got through my thick skull that they’re really passionate about what they do, I’m not boring them if I ask questions! It did take time though!
This actually is an incredibly good point- and a view I didn’t consider! Perhaps he talked about things that I didn’t understand too well, because I didn’t ask a lot or make it clear that I am new to proper cuts of meat. He was truly very lovely, and had I asked I’m certain he would have explained (what he presumed any normal adult would know but I didn’t) and thus made more sense!
He was lovely when I asked about deals and such- when was the best time to come, and so on for good offers. And he explained the “white ticket” items for things that were lower price. And also helpfully that the lower price were random choices (not related to quality) and also that although advertised as a “9 day offer” were actually half the month. In fact we talked so long that the lovely ladies behind us kind of shuffled me off in a very nice way! Kind of a cough and “excuse me”, I said I am so so sorry I didn’t realise!! And he said, referring to them, that “these two ladies are my best, and regular customers- they are almost my lovers” haha! So I apologised profusely, and they all were so lovely about it. Which helped my confidence being in french public- and also suggests he gets a lot of regulars because he is so helpful.
And so next time I will be sure to ask whatever I need to know!
As an aside- I want some lovely lamb for making chips and veg and lamb as the meat. He doesn’t like tough meat at all (obviously! But my nan cooked things until they were burned almost, and I acquired the taste for burned bacon, sausage, meats etc.)
The last time I did pork chops they were decidedly very well done to say the least- but I loved them and ate his too as he didn’t like the toughness of it.
In fact this scouse was the only time my meat has turned out so beautifully soft! Though it was my first time using meat that wasn’t sausages/bacon- even the pork chops I did last time was the first time I have done them in many years (if ever).
So I don’t think chops are the wisest idea. I’m wondering now if lamb comes in different steak options like beef- so I will ask the butcher when I go! And I’ll try to not feel stupid.
Like you said they are passionate about the meat and so he will help me I’m sure!
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@justilou1
My mother took great delight in doing shit like that too. I remember going to a baby animal farm and feeding the baby lambs bottles of milk. She gave me chicken nuggets for dinner. I took a bite into one, and it had a weird texture, so I spat it out and it was kind of greyish and lumpy. She smirked and told me it was lamb’s brains. I was slapped for dry heaving at the table. I’m also an adventurous eater, but I don’t lie to my kids or feed them something out of a sense of schadenfreude.
Jesus Christ! I’m so sorry. But I’m glad that your children are looked after well!! And won’t go through all of that. Well done you for making the most out of a horrible situation- I often think that sometimes sadly, our parents can teach us what not to do. This is great for your children.
Personally, I’d never eat any of those fried things in vending machines there - Frikandellen, Kroketten, etc
I’m almost scared to ask what these things are.. but I’m intrigued?
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