Please will you kindly support and advise me, as I try to help a friend sort out his home?

[EatingTheElephantInChunks]

Yesterday I started to try to help a friend sort out his home. If I tell you that it took me nearly 3 hours to clear a space on the bathroom floor about 3ft x 4ft, you will probably understand how things are. Today I did a little better. In about 2 hours I cleared another space the same size, which meant I could open a cupboard. Two shelves were almost empty, so I was able to clean those and use them for storage. I will carry on next time with the other 2 shelves and continue clearing the bathroom floor.

It was very satisfying to get rid of a whole binbag of rubbish yesterday and a half bag today, plus a bag and a half of recycling, and a small bag of confidential waste to shred. There is a folding storage crate of things to keep so far, but I'll go through that again to see if I've missed anything that should be thrown out or recycled.

My friend has got into this situation after many years of serious illness and close bereavements, has no family left and few friends, certainly not really close ones. He has been at the stage for several years where he doesn't have visitors. He needs many repairs and much decorating doing, and is getting to the stage where carers visiting would be helpful. I am hoping to get him to the stage where that will be possible. He is such a nice guy, and it's a shame that life has gradually got smaller and smaller for him over the years. It must be terribly lonely.

I feel honoured that he has trusted me with the truth of how things are. I can't talk to anyone IRL as I know it's essential to protect his privacy, and I have changed my username in case anyone makes the connections. I could do with some mumsnet wisdom and support! I have never felt such a sense of achievement over a bit of floorspace 3ft x 4ft, but equally the enormity of the task hit me.

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The author - writing under the pseudonym EatingTheElephantInChunks - claims and owns the copyright of all her posts dated on and after 14th August 2018 as her intellectual property and as a moral right and which are all her own individual and original work. Reproduction in whole or part or any other use is strictly prohibited without her prior written permission.

[Edited by MNHQ at posters request]

Wow! You are a

Beachcombing treasures - how to display? Layered in a glass container, or in the garden, or?

Garden, get stuff out of the house!

If cheque isn't for a decent amount of money, shred it and forget it! (Actually I'd probably chuck it in the ATM and hope no-one noticed as a first pass.)

I am seriously impressed by your efforts. A very kind thing to do!

What Whitney said - although depending on amount beach treasure can look nice in a glass jar in a bathroom ( I dare say you'll find a glass jar or two amongst the heaps) you are a lovely friend. Is he coping ok with what you are doing so far?

felix tokens -bin
cheque-bin
beachcombing stuff-garden or bin

Afternoon all. Sorry no update yesterday - I ran out of puff, and was out like a still no bathroom light faster than you can say out of date chocolate owl.

I felt a bit like that expired owl looked last night, as it seemed to me at close of day that I had made so little progress yesterday. I had not reached the floor struck gold in my latest chunk of landing, had only amassed one small bag of rubbish and the 'to keep' pile was much bigger than that.

Some sleep, distance and reading your kind posts above has helped me to look at yesterday with fresh eyes. Actually, there were 2 large bags of recycling, and the things to keep were able to be put away for now, neat, tidy and accessible, in 2 holding crates safely stacked in a corner of the day before's newly created floor space. Some progress had, in reality, been made. Things were indeed a bit better last night than they had been when I started. Another chunk of the elephant had infact been eaten.

So thank you all. Even if I don't get chance to reply to individual posts immediately, I am reading them all, I am taking them in or chewing them over, and they are making a huge difference.

Some quick notes from yesterday, before I elephants never forget.

I keep finding beachcombing treasures and suspect there's more to come. I know these are important to my friend. My thought is to gather them together as I go along, and at the end sort out the best bits with him and find a nice way to display them. We're a very long way off nice displays, I know, but like the rose in a jug on the bathroom windowsill, the thought of this thing of memory and beauty helps towards the goal.

The riches jumped up suddenly yesterday by £151.14. This was £100 cash found in an old envelope, the cheque was £50, and £1.14 in loose change here and there. Fear not folks, only the £1.14 has gone into my gin fund! I'm going to squirrel away any real money I find until the end and then present it to my friend. It sounds from PPs that unfortunately the cheque won't be valid after 4 years, but I'd like to see at least if the company will reissue it if so as they are still going. I know £50 isn't a huge amount but neither is it insignificant, and I did think that the total of £150 would be a great contribution to a nice new mattress, for example.

I found an item of clothing belonging to someone my friend lost, and I think the sadness and poignancy of this contributed to my low mood. I'd like to see about making it, or part of it, into a usable keepsake item for him. I wondered about a cushion - but any ideas anyone? It's a light cotton.

And finally, I spoke too soon yesterday. I found Baby Barry sitting on my sleeve as I worked my way through a bag. Spider company after all.

Wish me luck today.

Absolutely amazing Ele.

It sounds like the landing is a huge task, but i would guess that the bedrooms will be impossible to clear unless the landing is.

I keep jumping ahead in my mind to when he is able to see floor space in his bedroom...

It sounds like so much traumatic loss in his past. Your gentleness is very important i think.

Gosh, I don't know how you have the patience for it all. I know I wouldn't. You remind me of my aunt - she did similar last year for two older ladies, though I don't think their house was quite as bad as your friend's. Hopefully your gin fund
treasures will increase!

A few ideas for preserving the clothing item -

• background for shadow boxes,
• bunting for the kitchen,
• cut into small squares and punch the squares into a foam or straw wreath mould with a pointy pencil or flathead screwdriver www.wreathideagallery.com/punch-fabric-wreath.html,
• cut the fabric in strips and entwine/tie around a twig wreath form,
• a cover for a photo album with photos or keepsakes of the dear departed,
• a lining for a winter scarf or mittens or hat (though it could be traumatic if this clothing item gets left on a bus, etc),
• incorporate it into a collage that illustrates the friendship or some special interest of the person who died (might be tricky).

I think a cushion might wear too fast in light cotton. I quite like the wreath ideas, I wonder about somehow covering a wreath form in pinking shear edged strips woven into a crisp cross.

Alternatively a covering for a pin board might work, in the imaginary future world where important things are carefully stored on it?

Very generous of you not to keep the money, I honestly think I would want you to have it if you were doing such an extraordinary thing for me.

I would eat the owl.

Sounds like you've made good progress. A cushion or teddy might be nice with an applique heart made from the clothing you found. X

What a kind friend you are op, this thread is inspiring.
I have a close relation who is a hoarder and it gives me hope one day we can tackle her house together. I was there recently and kept thinking how I’d love to get my hands on her place for a few days, but I know she’d find the whole thing incredibly stressful.

I seriously considered eating the owl

Stealth I have for you a Milky Bar, vintage 2012.

I have eaten a packet of 2 mini Lotus biscuits and 4 squares of Dairy Milk, possible vintage 2016. I shall post again if I am still alive in the morning.

And oh the irony of coming across a copy of Good Housekeeping magazine.

Oh no! That is so sad. Your poor friend.

If he celebrates Christmas, how about making the clothing into little padded stars that he could use for a Christmas tree? Stitch two star shapes together, stuff with a little polyester stuffing, finish off the hole, attach ribbon and bob's your uncle.

Hello Math and thanks so much for your kind posts. Yes, it's all incredibly sad, and so the humour also to be found in such dire straits does help to keep your chin up, I find. Laughing in the face of adversity, if you like, and at the sometimes ridiculous nature of the human condition. Please understand that I would never laugh at my friend, only with, if you see what I mean. At times I don't know whether to laugh or cry, and end up doing a bit of both.

I really like some of your ideas for the cotton, thank you. It is washable, there's plenty of it, and the background is white with a small single colour pattern. I want to avoid anything that might gather dust or be a target for the cat and future dog, so maybe something like the wreaths or collage are out. I really like the idea of lining scarf, hat and mittens, but your warning of those getting lost rings true. I'll definitely put the other ideas down on the possibles list, thank you. There's plenty of time (I fear!) before I can spend time making something, and of course much as I'd like to surprise him, nothing will be done to the item without my friend's blessing.

Hello and thank you for your kind words TheCag. I think the key to the situation, here at least, is gentleness - as annandale mentions in a PP.

I made an offer, (beginning simply, 'I'll help you'), I didn't push, and there's only me working away slowly, (oh so slowly!), and usually quietly. I've started small, and in areas away from him where I can shut myself off, (and he can shut himself off from me!). I'm there regularly but not all the time. I never forget that I'm a guest in his home, and that means he's in control. I tried to let him know that he could trust me, with anything of sentimental value especially. I keep reinforcing this by showing him the treasures I have uncovered from time to time - not all the time because that would be too time consuming for me and too emotional for him, but enough to prove to him that his trust wasn't misplaced.

I think, or rather hope, that all these things will make the process more comfortable for him, and so allow it to continue, and possibly give the best chance of maintenance in the medium to longterm. It's early days though, I know, and time will tell.

I hope this helps you with your relation. I think the main thing is to keep visiting her and taking her out too, because in these situations the loneliness and isolation is worse than any clutter no matter how bad that clutter is.

Thank you to everyone for your kind posts. I'll try to pop back to the thread later but I just wanted to give a quick progress report.

Well, it's looking like me in the mirror so I probably survived the night, (despite the out of date confectionary). It doesn't feel like too much sleep was had, with achey knees, back and neck especially. That'll teach me for not taking a PP's sound advice to change position regularly when working. Two hours kneeling in one position clearing and first-cleaning on the landing floor was possibly not a good idea. I realised and moved around while working later, but the damage was done. We live and learn, or allegedly.

But the good news is that I struck gold yesterday: another chunk of the landing floor is clear and clean, and another chunk is down by a couple of feet. Still not getting much in the way of rubbish, (which seems to be the way the landing cookie is crumbling), but plenty of recycling has left the building and 2 more crates of keepers are neatly packed and stacked.

I'm beginning to think that my friend has a storage problem almost as much as a clutter problem, as there's not many places to actually put things, looking around. That's probably something we need to address, once we know what we've actually got left to keep.

The other good news is that The Gin Fund has benefited by £3.57 and 2 more John Lewis charity tokens. The worst thing I encountered on the dust at floor level was something that used to be an orange and a packet of scones back in 2011. I have soaked the floor in that area with mumsnet housekeeping favourite Zoflora and it's now looking much better and smelling much sweeter.

The crate tally is running at 15 so far, with my friend making a start downstairs by filling another 3 with books and dvds.

When you've run out of crates, and you're being reminded AGAIN that there's Things To Do For Back To School, it's time to Get A Move On, apparently.

@Eating just wanted to say your posts are a wonderful read and you are doing a brilliant job with humour and compassion. It's making me realise the clutter piles I'm ignoring really aren't that big! Hope Barry stays out of the way

You're back! Not poisoned by Dairy Milk and biscuits. I bet you wish you'd eaten that owl now?

I'm glad the rotten orange and scones is all you found, he is lucky to have not had mice or rats. I hope your achey bits are better now.