Please will you kindly support and advise me, as I try to help a friend sort out his home?

[EatingTheElephantInChunks]

Yesterday I started to try to help a friend sort out his home. If I tell you that it took me nearly 3 hours to clear a space on the bathroom floor about 3ft x 4ft, you will probably understand how things are. Today I did a little better. In about 2 hours I cleared another space the same size, which meant I could open a cupboard. Two shelves were almost empty, so I was able to clean those and use them for storage. I will carry on next time with the other 2 shelves and continue clearing the bathroom floor.

It was very satisfying to get rid of a whole binbag of rubbish yesterday and a half bag today, plus a bag and a half of recycling, and a small bag of confidential waste to shred. There is a folding storage crate of things to keep so far, but I'll go through that again to see if I've missed anything that should be thrown out or recycled.

My friend has got into this situation after many years of serious illness and close bereavements, has no family left and few friends, certainly not really close ones. He has been at the stage for several years where he doesn't have visitors. He needs many repairs and much decorating doing, and is getting to the stage where carers visiting would be helpful. I am hoping to get him to the stage where that will be possible. He is such a nice guy, and it's a shame that life has gradually got smaller and smaller for him over the years. It must be terribly lonely.

I feel honoured that he has trusted me with the truth of how things are. I can't talk to anyone IRL as I know it's essential to protect his privacy, and I have changed my username in case anyone makes the connections. I could do with some mumsnet wisdom and support! I have never felt such a sense of achievement over a bit of floorspace 3ft x 4ft, but equally the enormity of the task hit me.

COPYRIGHT NOTICE
The author - writing under the pseudonym EatingTheElephantInChunks - claims and owns the copyright of all her posts dated on and after 14th August 2018 as her intellectual property and as a moral right and which are all her own individual and original work. Reproduction in whole or part or any other use is strictly prohibited without her prior written permission.

[Edited by MNHQ at posters request]

Hello again everyone. I hope you're doing ok. Yesterday was a planned day off, spent with my family at home in our garden from dawn till dusk, more or less. We ate outdoors, two glasses of wine and a &T were involved, and we even broke out the paddling pool with the DC. I needed it, to be honest, after a family emergency on Saturday - overriding more planned chunking - and all the previous days hard at it, including emotionally. The family pets have been acting as listening ears in real life, with payment in treats, pats and strokes, but they don't say much.

I arrived on Thursday to find, with some relief, that the scrubbed chairs were still standing outside! They didn't look half bad, but I was right that the last chair I attempted in the dark had to be done again. They all needed going over, really - those moth cocoons were hard to shift and when the chairs were wet it looked like I'd got them all off when I clearly hadn't. So that was my first job of the day, redoing the chairs armed with a new pan scrub and bucket of soapy bleach water and leaving them outside to dry all over again.

It was certainly easier and quicker than the first time(!), which meant I could then get on with the - slightly dreaded - second half of the table top. It was similar to the first half, but I had the advice from the thread ringing in my ears, big girl pants on and backbone in place and it didn't get to me as much. I saved what I could, but some treasured clothing, toys, drawings and so on were too ruined by moths, cocoons, spiders, damp, mould and former food to save. I thought about the advice to photograph items, but the widespread condition of these things would have upset my friend to see even in photos. The best thing seemed to be for me to 'let them go' for my friend and quietly dispose of them. We had discussed this sort of situation early on and my friend said he'd trust me to make the right call. If ever I was in doubt, I would ask him or put them to one side to deal with later. I wanted to avoid constantly asking my friend and risk constantly upsetting him. I think photos will be useful for other things though - even if I can only photograph part of an item - thank you to pps for suggesting that.

By the end of Thursday, there was another satisfying pile of recycling - though former food was so bad I couldn't separate it from the packaging and it had to go in with the rubbish - the table top was completely clear and the oil cloth vacuumed and cleaned. It is in poor condition and will need replacing, but will continue to protect the table for now. Luckily, because of that and a pad underneath the cloth, the table surface looks in very good condition. The legs are another matter and look in a similar condition to how the chairs were. Here I go: I've never bathed table legs before! I was trying to work out how to do it, as the table is enormous and too heavy to get outdoors or even lift. I think lifting it so that I can get a low bowl of soapy bleach water under a leg - the table's, not mine - might work after the vacumming. That's for another time - under and around the table needs to be cleared, dried out and cleaned first. It looked like it might rain overnight, so before I left I was able to put the chairs up onto the table top to finish drying out. Home in time for , bath and bed.

Actually, chairs part two and the second half of the table top was Wednesday - I'm getting my days wrong. Too much obviously - or not enough.

Just trying to catch up properly. I've been too tired at night afterwards and 'not enough hours in the day' sometimes.

Continuing in the kitchen, Thursday was Mantelpiece Day. 'What, a whole chunk on a mere mantelpiece?!', I hear you cry in disbelief. Well, yes. This was no ordinary mantelpiece: deep, long, stepladder-high up and absolutely packed. I started by emptying it completely - moths and spiders fleeing left, right and centre again - and taking everything outside into the fresh air and sunshine. It was a mixture of a clock - possibly no longer working, but we'll see - jugs, jars, vases, treasured mugs and paperwork. All the vessels were crammed full, either of loose change - Gin Fund! - or old receipts, little treasures or other immeasurable odds and sods. The paperwork was tough again so I had a little bonfire with it and invited my friend. He declined to attend, but said he admired my style and liked the idea. It helped and felt quite symbolic. I would recommend it to anyone struggling with similar confidential and troubling combustibles you really need to - or should - see the back of. This was long overdue, by about two decades. I think cathartic is the word.

After emptying out all the vessels and vacuuming them, I washed what could be washed in warm soapy water, rinsed them and left them outside to dry in the sunshine. If anyone knows how to get dried on puddles of leaked biro ink off china and porcelain, that would be a help please. Washing alone hasn't got all of it off - it's set quite hard. I sorted out all the odds and sods and bagged up anything to keep to find a place for later. There is a lot of loose change - does anyone know if there are still those sorting machines I used to spot in the entrances of supermarkets, how they work, the charge and so on please? It's hard to tell how much there is but, joking aside, it might be an amount more for my friend rather than my Gin Fund.

By the end of Thursday, I had vacuumed and washed down - several changes of water! - the top of the mantelpiece and wall above. I was able to return and arrange the vessels, but now all shiny and clean. There was just enough room to add three large, framed beautiful family photographs and two little treasured ornaments I had found elsewhere. It does look rather nice, if you don't mind me saying so myself, and the photos are - sort of - 'smiling down' on the kitchen. Another chunk done.

I'm going to have to come back again later to Friday and then I'll be up to date for now - just to remind myself.

Hello again Ele. If you have a nearby Metro bank branch they have coin changers with no fee. You pile in your coins and get a receipt that you take to the counter for payment. You don't need a bank account with them. Otherwise big Tesco branches have them but charge a percentage.

I am googling getting rid of old Biro on china. I'll keep you posted!

OK a couole of ideas:

1. rubbing alcohol on a cotton wool pad or
2. acne cream - active ingredient = Benzoyl peroxide. Apply generously and leave out in the sun for a few hours. Rinse off with water

Good luck!

Well done Ele on your mantelpiece and chair victories.

Yes our local Asda still has one of those conversion machines. I think they take about 10%, it might be a bit more. But, if you are starting out with essentially unspendable shrapnel, then even 80% or 90% is "profit".

I don't know about the biro, I wouldn't be surprised if it's kind of fused on by now, but meths worked when my toddler scribbled biro on white leather sofas. While you are tackling the mountains, could your friend perhaps do some molehill jobs, like polishing silver or wiping vases, or is it all too much for him?

Baby wipes?? Honestly they do seem to shift an awful lot, but not the water based ones 😬. Also might be worth investing in a magic sponge, those things are weird but seem to be good at shifting stuff. Sounds like you've been doing an awesome job. Maybe a gentle application of wire wool to the table legs with a good hot soapy water might work. Not sure I'd want to leave anything soaking . Proffering you a long tall glass of G&T think you'll need it today, far too warm! I've discovered I'm less of an english rose and more a Nordic warrior, (did the DNA thing!) either way I do not mix with these temperatures, hope they suit you better.

Don't use the coinstar machines they take minimum 10.5%.
A lot of high street banks have the machines you can tip them into to deposit into your account or if they don't you can ask them for free coin bags which say on the outside how much you can put in of each denomination and you can bag it up to just deposit it in your account for no fee and just a little bit of time. Especially if there's a lot of out of circulation notes/coins which i expect there will be you can literally only deposit them at the bank now anyway so would have to do a trip anyway.
Alternatively take a handful to the shops at a time and feed the self-checkouts as part payment. It doesn't take long just leave a couple of seconds inbetween each coin to avoid jamming it.

Also good old beeswax furniture polish works great in general for all sorts of wooden furniture cleaning. You get supermarket own brand ones for cheap.

And yeah don't soak wood ever if you can avoid it as it will warp.

Also cif power bathroom cleaner works amazing getting my funky coloured hair dye out the porcelain bathroom furniture I don't see why it could be applied to other stuff

Hello again and thank you very much, fourq, Elbows, Pash and vandal - really useful.

I wasn't thinking to leave the wood to soak, rather putting a receptacle under the legs to catch the drips while I scrub them? Yes, it's all a bit much for him as yet, Elbows, but I hope and believe this will change in the future. There's also not really enough space yet for him to be with me when I work and to be safe and well in the environment. I'm thinking of it as 'clearing and cleaning to clean' on the whole and I might never personally get to the 'polishing the silver' stage, but that means there will be things for my friend to do later on and things he will need to employ professionals to do, such as repairs and decorating. I am already noticing little daily changes with him though. The dishes are being done. The rubbish is going straight into the new bin I put by the back door. Recycling is going in the bag on the back of the back door - I've got new recycling bins but there's not the space yet to put them out in the kitchen. Two pairs of socks and a tea towel he'd hand washed were drying on the line - he was at pains to reassure me he'd washed the tea towel in the water first! While I've worked, he's fed me in the garden on 'naice ham' sandwiches, 'naice quiche' and salad, tea, coffee. biscuits, cake and cool water, all prepared in the outdoor kitchen I set up again. Little food is being wasted. He's even airing his legs in shorts, something I haven't seen him wear for years! I catch him looking at the progress in the kitchen and he says it's a shock seeing it like this after all this time but 'the feelings are all good'. But he's also spending a lot of time alone in his room and I understand it's all very difficult for him. An elephant wasn't eaten in a day...

Friday was a bit of a strange day, in a way. After the heights of the kitchen mantelpiece, I got back on with reducing the mountain ranges on the floor, continuing in front of the fireplace and around the corner onto the dresser wall. The mix was similar to that I'd cleared on the table top. What was a bit strange was that I hit 'a block.' By that, I mean I was convinced I had thrown things away that I shouldn't have done. I felt compelled to tip the rubbish bags out where I was working outside and go through them again. Of course I hadn't, it was all as it should be and it all went back into the bin bags. What a waste of time and effort. I'm glad that hasn't happened before - I don't think, anyway - and I hope it doesn't happen again. Reflecting on it with the family pets afterwards (!) over a G&T - me, not them, they were asleep or pretending to be - I supposed moments of self doubt and anxiety were inevitable and especially when dealing alone with items invoking feelings of sadness and even anger. Another helpful little bonfire was lit before I went home. Thank you to pps who suggested the idea of a session of counselling. At the moment I'm going to see how I get on and want to spend what time I have making more progress, but I'm certainly not against it and won't forget it as a possibility if the feelings persist.

I'm not at ground level in this area of the kitchen yet and so this is what I plan to carry on with next. As previously posted, I had to miss Saturday unfortunately and then Sunday was a planned family day anyway. Yesterday I also had to miss, unfortunately. I felt feverish and very tired to the point of sleepy. Two of my DCs were similar to a lesser or greater extent, so it seems it's a bug. Sleep has long been in short supply and this heat at the moment isn't helping with that at night. I'm with you and your newly-discovered genes on that one, Pash! I do like the sunshine in the day though - it's cheering and really helpful when it's reliably not raining for the chunking so that I can take things outside to work in the daylight and fresh air. The forecast seems to be that this good weather is about to break later in the week, so that might suit you Pash, my nights, but not the elephant!

I hope to be back at it later today, all being well. Take care everyone, whatever you're doing and wherever you are

Hello again everyone. Two more chunks done on Tuesday and yesterday. Well, I say 'done' but it's more the ongoing area of the kitchen floor working around the corner from the fireplace wall, so more chunks within chunks, if that makes sense? These chunks are a bit like life-sized Russian Dolls or a giant layer cake, but not as nice...

Tuesday's chunk was the easiest. I was working down and along mountains of mainly newspapers and magazines in front of the dresser, from twelve to fifteen years ago. Some paperwork was mixed in and a few clothes and other things, so it all had to be gone through. The clothes - a mix of sentimental and brand new with the tags still on, some obviously bought as gifts - couldn't be saved and were in too poor condition with moths, dust and damp to even go for recycling, unfortunately. The newspapers and magazines weren't in bad condition at all and happily resulted in mountains of recycling once sorted. It seemed to have been a heyday of these particular publications and it was quite hard to stop myself from reading some as I went along or putting them to one side for later. I realised that was a rabbit hole I didn't have the time to fall down, however! It was quite a walk down memory lane though, just seeing the covers and headlines. It really was a different world then - for example the internet had not yet completely taken over our lives and our children's lives, and there was a fresh-faced Obama smiling out, pre-election. I was tempted to take home the lovely educational posters and booklets my friend had kindly saved for my DC as they looked pristine, but on closer inspection they smelt strongly of damp and staples were rusty, sadly. There was a huge mountain of paperwork I had separated out, but I had run out of time and steam so I put all that to one side in a large sack for another day.

Wow you're really motoring Ele! So many chunks done lately. And every single one is a new kindness to your friend. Hope you are keeping up with the self care and have a bottle of gin on the go.

Yesterday was much more difficult, involving a G&T for Dutch courage. I wrote a post but lost it, so will have to try again later.

Thank you, Elbows.

I came across this thread for the first time a couple of days ago, and after reading for a bit I noticed the date and thought it must be another zombie thread. Then scrolling to the end realised that it is ongoing. How amazing you are for what you are doing, and for your patience and hard work over what has already been such a long - and with Covid such a difficult - time. Looking forward, it sounds as if it will be a task for sometime to come too. I am seriously impressed, and I'm sure it must mean a huge amount to your friend that you care enough to be there for him. There seems to be so much unpleasantness on mumsnet these days, and this thread just stands out to show how lovely people can be. It's of no practical use I know, but I will be cheering you on from a distance from now on.

Just came back to try again and saw your post, mama. You and me both about the long journey, and I certainly felt like a zombie yesterday and possibly looked like one too! Thank you for such kind words and your support - I appreciate it.

Has this really been going for 3 years? Wow!

Yesterday was much more difficult than Tuesday's chunk. I hit floor level in front of most of the dresser but everything was in a terrible state. Again, it was mainly newspapers and supplement magazines but they mostly wet, decomposing and stuck together with damp. Very little apart from the top layers could go for recycling. My friend had obviously gathered some of this together, possibly from another room, intending to sort it out but the bags had split over time and paperwork was also mixed in so it had to be gone through as best I could. I had my wellies on with my shorts, a plastic apron, my hair tied up, long rubber gloves and was double-masked: glamorous it was not. In the end there was nothing for it but to use a garden shovel to dig up the almost dripping layers and drop them into rubbish bags. I then had to scrape the floor with the end of the spade to get the rest of it up and off - at this point it was like very smelly, wet earth - before spraying it three times with copious amounts of disinfectant and leaving it overnight.

I will post this in parts after last time...

but they were mostly wet - apologies.

Yesterday part two:
This part of the job was so awful it was the closest I have come to walking away. It was physically hard, especially in the heat and with a lack of fresh air, and emotionally hard as it was so awful, had got into this state, and this was someone's - not just anyone, my friend's - kitchen floor. I felt on the edge of tears. A long, cool G&T has always been a refreshing and motivating reward to wash away the dust and cobwebs and celebrate the end of another chunk. Yesterday I actually broke off for one and it was for Dutch courage, pure and simple. This was soon followed by comfort-eating chocolate I had in my bag for my DCs - sorry DCs - and a strong, sweet mug of builder's tea....

Yesterday, part three:
The knowledge that I still have so much of the kitchen to get to floor level and most of it will probably be like this was hard. Even harder was the thought that most of the ground floor probably will be too. I reminded myself that I could walk away at any time. This is a choice. Nobody is making me do it. I reminded myself that some people do this, similar or worse, regularly and for a living. I reminded myself that I have faced and survived extended tough things at work and personally - different tough, but still tough. I reminded myself that it is an achievement. I reminded myself that the worst is over for that particular chunk in front of the dresser and all I have to do now is wash the floor of it, albeit several times. I reminded myself of the chunk of floor by the back door, albeit small, where I am now happy to stand in bare feet to change my socks and shoes. I reminded myself of the eventual benefit to my friend and hopefully for the long term. I reminded myself that tomorrow really is another day.

And so I will be back at it today. Wish me luck.

It will be three years in August, Time, but with some time out during that time because of the Covid-19 restrictions and for other reasons.

Aww Ele that sounds tough on many levels. Sounds like your friend has quite an old property if there are actual flagstones, I wonder if there's any way of treating the floor to improve the damp issue. I know obviously piles of stuff not trapping any moisture will help but it sounds like it might be a deeper issue. I shall Google and let you know. You are doing a bloody brilliant job as you know and big hugs (if you like hugs) large gin if you don't. Stepping away to regroup is sometimes necessary. I think my problem would be, however emotional the clearing/cleaning is, I'd be damned if I quit having got so far! 🐘🐘