Please will you kindly support and advise me, as I try to help a friend sort out his home?

[EatingTheElephantInChunks]

Yesterday I started to try to help a friend sort out his home. If I tell you that it took me nearly 3 hours to clear a space on the bathroom floor about 3ft x 4ft, you will probably understand how things are. Today I did a little better. In about 2 hours I cleared another space the same size, which meant I could open a cupboard. Two shelves were almost empty, so I was able to clean those and use them for storage. I will carry on next time with the other 2 shelves and continue clearing the bathroom floor.

It was very satisfying to get rid of a whole binbag of rubbish yesterday and a half bag today, plus a bag and a half of recycling, and a small bag of confidential waste to shred. There is a folding storage crate of things to keep so far, but I'll go through that again to see if I've missed anything that should be thrown out or recycled.

My friend has got into this situation after many years of serious illness and close bereavements, has no family left and few friends, certainly not really close ones. He has been at the stage for several years where he doesn't have visitors. He needs many repairs and much decorating doing, and is getting to the stage where carers visiting would be helpful. I am hoping to get him to the stage where that will be possible. He is such a nice guy, and it's a shame that life has gradually got smaller and smaller for him over the years. It must be terribly lonely.

I feel honoured that he has trusted me with the truth of how things are. I can't talk to anyone IRL as I know it's essential to protect his privacy, and I have changed my username in case anyone makes the connections. I could do with some mumsnet wisdom and support! I have never felt such a sense of achievement over a bit of floorspace 3ft x 4ft, but equally the enormity of the task hit me.

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The author - writing under the pseudonym EatingTheElephantInChunks - claims and owns the copyright of all her posts dated on and after 14th August 2018 as her intellectual property and as a moral right and which are all her own individual and original work. Reproduction in whole or part or any other use is strictly prohibited without her prior written permission.

[Edited by MNHQ at posters request]

Thank you, Pash, Paws and vandal. I hope all is well with you?

I will possibly have to reply and post more later, but - trumpet fanfare - I needed to give myself a kick and be brave to tackle it, but as of yesterday, there's a shiny sink and draining board you could eat your dinner off if you ignored most of the rest of the room !

I don’t think it would be difficult to replace the door seal on the washing machine. The hoses would be easy. I would then take the top off (usually pretty straightforward, you usually need to do it to remove the travelling bolts) and take a look. If it looks shiny, I would try it out. However I am not known for being over cautious. Maybe you could call a local repair person and ask for advice, even if you can’t get them to come and look at it? You’ll need to do a few hot washes with nothing in the machine to give it a good clear out.

Ele hope you're having a stiff gin after all hat elbow grease application! Well done on the sink, awesome stuff.

Thank you, Pash and Chem.

I'm posting this morning from not a very good place unfortunately. It began the day before yesterday, as I started to work my way along the fireplace wall. It was all so difficult and very damp towards floor level. In amongst the rusty oven tins and batteries and food out of date well over a decade ago, I came across things from my friend's past in happier times, important to him and largely completely ruined. I looked ahead of me, to the side of me and all around me. I felt overwhelmed. I coped with it by walking away from that area and focusing in on the chunk that was the sink. It was a distraction. That's why it's so shiny. Having achieved it enabled me to go outside and finish sorting out the things from part of the fireplace wall into rubbish, recycling and very little to keep. My elephant fanfare for that chunk belied how difficult I had found the day before yesterday. But then yesterday was worse. I decided to carry on with the half of the table nearest the back door and opposite the shiny sink. Underneath a very dusty and damp king size duvet cover that must once have been very nice, was a huge jumble of damp and moth-infested things, including food, precious clothing, photographs, letters and other treasures, documents, correspondence and other paperwork. It was just a microcosm of my friend's life. It showed the perfect storm that raged at that time for him from many directions and also the conflicting continuing demands on him. It must have been almost unsurvivable. From it, I understood with clarity as never before how and why the house descended to how things are today. I had carried it all outside, and knelt with it all spread out in front and around me. Somehow I sorted through it - a 'first sort', weeding out the obvious rubbish and recycling, trying to save what I could of the precious things, sadly disposing of what I absolutely couldn't save and bagging up the piles of paperwork to deal with properly at a later date. It hit me very hard and I went home feeling like I had the weight of the world on my shoulders after being hit by a bus. I drank a lot of wine - not by some people's standards, but by mine these 'sensible mature parent' days. The feeling hasn't left me this morning, even after some sleep, some fresh air and two cups of tea. I know I need to fake a smile, get my backbone back in place and get back on with it later today. Thoughts, support and advice welcome, as always - but please, nothing too brutal.

Oh Ele that's so tough. You've had by the sound of it a very hard stare into your friend's world with this latest set of discoveries. That will be very tough to shoulder and worse to have to dispose of things that simply cannot be salvaged. Especially the sentimental stuff. I'm trying to compose what I want to say without waffling for paragraphs....
Whilst it is hard to do so (given you have a lot of empathy for your friend, if you didn't you wouldn't have been performing The Tasks of Hercules over the past couple of years) try not to take on their emotions. You are making a difference and whilst the process may be painful for you and them you cannot carry the emotional weight for them particularly those feelings of regret and loss.
What you are doing however is allowing them to balance the load again and keep moving forward, you are very literally clearing a path, physically and emotionally.
You are doing an amazing job, feeling overwhelmed is inevitable but by squaring up to the negative as best you can you loosen it's hold on you, accept a heavy heart if you are being pulled that way, but acknowledge that it will pass it may just need some time.
If you feel the need for a quicker fix (I sometimes feel the need to kick myself out of a negative state of mind, then, accept the feelings you're encountering, find some good music, put it on good and loud, take a deep breath and start again.

Oh Nellie, that sounds incredibly tough. Do look after yourself- you can't help others if you aren't OK. Self-care is a necessity, not a luxury.

With regards to the precious items - without your help & care, they would have continued to become damaged and likely nothing would be salvageable or accessible.

For the clothing and other items too damaged to save - would your friend be amenable to taking photos? You could put together a folder or photo book of the images, which can be looked through to evoke memories, without keeping damaged mouldy items?

Damaged letters and papers are tricky; is you friend OK with you discarding certain items eg old utility bills, bank statements, that sort of thing, to weed out the admin from the personal correspondence?
Otherwise if they can be dried and boxed up, your friend can sort through them at leisure / when he feels ready - and at least a stack of boxes in a spare room / corner will be safer than a floor covered items which could be a trip hazard.

If you're strong enough to even contemplating starting clearing out an overwhelmingly full house you absolutely can finish the kitchen, we're here routing for you.

I second the take photos of the too bad to keep things as especially it'll take up less space and less future maintenance.

Lovely to catch up on your news Ele. Sounds like amazing progress. The facts you can sit and eat with your friend, albeit outside, and he has really enjoyed the ease of his morning, speak to a real transformation.

I have no expertise but I would lean towards replacing the washing machine. If the seal and pipes are awful and mouldy, I'd worry that other innards that you'll never reach would be similar. It's just too damp a thing to leave connected and unused for a long time. And at the risk of being over-dramatic, there's even a risk of legionnaire's disease where you have water stood in pipes for a long time.

Sincere thanks, Pash, Paws, vandal and Sing. I was able to read the first three posts before I got started yesterday and that really did help.

With my backbone and chin suitably propped up, I went off yesterday afternoon to tackle the second half of the kitchen table at the fireplace end. It didn't work out that way though! Best laid schemes o'mice an'elephants...again. I arrived to find an avalanche had occurred on the opposite wall to the sink, also partially blocking access to the door into the hall. Like skiing off piste, I thought my work elsewhere in the room had somehow caused it, but my friend sheepishly admitted he had tried to get something from this particular range of mountains. It had caused a slight fall of only three or four items but he thought it was ok until it suddenly wasn't! So that's how I spent about seven and a half hours yesterday afternoon and evening - clearing the avalanche instead.

Even though it was - initially, before part of it fell - an area about five and a half feet high, by six feet long and four feet deep, it was actually easier than starting the kitchen table and fireplace wall had been, which was probably a good idea for me. It had built up only over the last couple of years by the look of it and so didn't hold anything like the same level of history or damp, insects or former food. It was a great mix of things like clothing for washing, groceries and packaging materials, but mainly online purchases and gifts, some still in unopened boxes and envelopes. Again there wasn't much rubbish as I was able to recycle a great deal - I feel very sorry for the bin men this coming week! What was left is a much smaller, more accessible and manageable pile, which happily looks neater and is unlikely now to fall and crush anyone. I didn't quite make it to ground level last night and that will be the more difficult bit. It looks like it has been there much longer and there will be damp and probably insects too from the stone floor.

Only a very small glass of wine with my midnight quiche and salad last night.

Just to answer posts from yesterday:

It is difficult doing what I'm doing without being able to talk about it in real life and over an extended time. Rarely would you have this sort of insight into someone's life on every level unless they had passed away, Pash, would you? When I was outside, kneeling amongst it all from the kitchen table, I saw that I hadn't really been prepared for it. I hadn't understood just how much of a toll it would take and that I would need emotional support at times - really need it - and I actually found myself thinking I needed to talk to a psychiatrist at one point! As well as deep sorrow for my friend and recognition of the grief he must have felt and still be feeling, I felt the most huge anger at reminders and evidence of how some people had so badly treated him and had also tried to take serious advantage of him. There are some selfish, wicked and devious people in the world. I think it would be different if I was doing this regularly, as part of a team and for strangers, with a quick turnaround, rather than someone I know and care a great deal for - although I'm sure plenty of people who do it for a living do care on a human level and don't gossip about their work. But you are right, Pash, these are my friend's experiences and feelings and I have to deal with it in ways that ensure we can keep moving forward as you wisely suggest. Of course it stirs up feelings from my own life experiences and also there are practical difficulties in being able to be absent from the family and DC for hours on end. Self care has never been my strong point, Paws, and especially so since becoming a parent - but you are right. You too, vandal - you made me remember a particularly tough time before on the bathroom and, although it was difficult in a different way, I did get through it - and the rooting for does definitely help. And Sing - part of the problem is that areas that are better now really show up even more all the areas still to do and the contrast is very stark. You reminded me I need to focus on the positives - I need a pair of elephant-sized blinkers, obviously, and more

I would really recommend that you talk this through with a counsellor (if you can afford it). I have found even one session really helps to get perspective on things and straighten out conflicting and difficult emotions. Be warned, they have big boxes of tissues for a reason.

Hey Ele I think pp suggestion of a counselor may not be a bad one. You've had an awful lot to deal with and it sounds like the kitchen may be a bit of a time bomb of emotion if what you've found thus far is any indication. Even just one session, talking to a real life person can be such a massive help it clears your head out.
If you can't talk to someone irl then have you considered writing it down. Physical pen to paper can be very cathartic. Plus you can be as melodramatic as you want on paper and no one cares, sometimes we need to really express our emotions even if it feels slightly embarrassing or silly because they are so big or messy, using florid phrases weirdly helps me (although don't read them back later it's kinda embarrassing, although useful to note how strongly you were feeling those particular emotions).

Kindness and empathy shines out of all your posts. You must be the most wonderful friend.

The counselling idea is a good one if you can stretch to it. It doesn't need to be a big commitment, and I know it is a lot of money for "just sitting and talking". But you are taking on your friend's worries on top of the profound physical reality of this tough work. Finding some way to offlay this mental load might be really helpful. There's a reason why counsellors all have their own counsellors, and it's got nothing to do with them all being broken or self-indulgent. It's just part of the process. Waves lapping outwards, concentric rings of support.

Massive hugs Ele. I’m about to clear out my parents’ house as both died in May. It’s nothing like your friend’s house, but I realised a tiny part of just what you are going through when I had a look at it the other day. So much of our lives is just stuff. It’s all that’s left of us. It ends up owning us, not the other way around.

Sincere thanks, Chem, Pash, Sing and weasel.

My condolences @weaselwords on the loss of your parents. I am also without my parents now. To lose both in one month must be particularly tough. Thinking of you and sending you a strong hug as you take care of their home and possessions for them. Please feel free to post on this thread if it will be of any help at all. I agree completely about stuff and what is really important in this life. Raymond Carver says it better than I ever could:

Late Fragment

And did you get what you wanted from this life, even so?
I did.
And what did you want?
To call myself beloved, to feel myself beloved on the earth.

I had less time and opportunity yesterday, (and probably for the rest of the week), but with my blinkers - almost firmly - on, I tackled the stuff piled on top of a free-standing double base unit further along the avalanche wall.

A lot of dust, some former food and moths and spiders at all points of the life cycle! There was a top quality, unused or hardly used towel covering some of this up and it went straight in the rubbish. It was a shame but I have by necessity moved on a little from the person I was at the start. That person - some of you might remember - would have bagged up the towel to wash at some point in the future, despite the layers of dust and many past/current moth cocoons . I'm sure it would have come up fine after several hot washes, but I realise now there is just too much to do and more important things to do, especially without a working washing machine here I could just throw a pile of such things into and put on repeat as I work. By the end of a couple of hours, the top of the unit and wall above it had been vacuumed and disinfected, the pile reduced to half a dozen small bags of things to keep or clean and keep or to do a final sort, and the recycling and rubbish was out. I was then able to put the bags neatly on the top of the unit for now and add the large bag and box from the first half of the kitchen table to make that easier to finish clearing and cleaning the table. I managed to vacuum and disinfect the fronts of the unit's top drawers but not open them, and do the same to the top couple of feet on the avalanche side of the unit.

One joy was finding quite a lot of precious photos which, thanks to the packaging they were in, are perfectly fine. The books were a difficult one, because although not damp, they are dusty and possibly moth and spider-ridden. I bagged them up for now - if they are important to my friend, are they salvageable or not with a wipe and vacuum or would they need more than that? From receipts and use by dates of food, I was back between seven and sixteen years ago. Anyone know about sealed, new good quality toiletries - should I use my eyes, nose and common sense for gift sets of fragrance, bath and skin potions and soap, or do they need to be thrown away? Another chunk vastly reduced and looking tidier and smelling healthier anyway - ie like somebody cares. Next stop is probably the rest of the kitchen tabletop.

The soap and stuff will be fine as long as it wasn't opened at any point.

I think if the books might have mites/insects you can put them in plastic bags in the freezer to kill everything then think about how to clean them.
Toiletries should be fine if still sealed.

Yup seconding the books can go in the freezer, well wrapped then you could dust of with a paintbrush, do it outdoors, they should be fine unless they've gone very yellow in which case they will probably just fall apart regardless. If they've got damp at all there's not much to be done assuming they are general paperbacks as opposed to leather bound heirlooms 😉.

I would bin the toiletries. Some might be fine but you can only find out by opening and checking them, and then they're no good for passing on to charity shops/food bank. And if you keep them for your friend to use up, it's just creating another pile of stuff to get through for him, which is not helpful. Like the towel, if it's not easy to save, then bin. You have enough on your plate.

Years ago I decluttered all my lotions and potions and now just buy the exact products I want. In a tiny way it's quite liberating.

Thank you for the practical advice, vandal, Chem, Pash and Elbows

Yesterday afternoon and evening was 'chair day' - but alas with little sitting down involved: I managed to get all the kitchen chairs outdoors to clean. As I carried each one out at arms length, there was a rapid scurrying of legs and flapping of wings as spiders and moths saw daylight for the first time and beat a hasty retreat. I don't think I have ever seen as many webs, and cocoons especially, on furniture before. The cocoons were immeasurable. I started off by vacuuming all the chairs and was surprised just how sticky and hard to get rid of old spiders' webs are. The cocoons were worse: most wouldn't budge, even when using the hard end of the vacuum nozzle to try to scrape them off. Many were lodged in the grooves of the turned design of the chair legs and in the joints of the legs and spindles and were impossible to vacuum out. Luckily the chairs are old pine - untreated or perhaps there was once wax or oil on them. There was nothing for it and little to lose given the state of them but to go for the scrubbed pine look. It crossed my mind at the time - and not for the first time - that I could have done with a live link to 'the thread advice line'! I went for a few squirts of washing up liquid and a squirt of bleach in a bucket of warm water and a sponge with a pan scourer on it. With some areas - a seat with black possible mould, a leg with green possible mould and another seat with 'something blue' - I had to use neat multi-purpose cleaner. By the time I was scrubbing the last chair and rinsing it off well with the hosepipe, it was dark and I was working with a camping lantern - I suspect that chair will need doing again in the daylight. Most of the chair legs actually lost height, once I scrubbed them and layers of old cocoons were dislodged from the ends. It was a lot of work but the chairs all go with the large table, have age and I sensed there was still too much value and life in them - not just of the moth and spider variety! - to go in a skip. It seemed a good day to do them - if ever there was a good day - with the warm and dry weather meaning they can stay outside to dry out and air. Time will tell. If I arrive to find a pile of wood and sticks where the chairs stood last night, you might hear a mournful cry echoing across the globe! My back and scrubbing arm are feeling it this morning. Like an old times barmaid using hand beer pumps, I fear I will end up with one bicep bigger than the other after all this. I have never bathed chairs before....my elephant toes are crossed. Next stop - the rest of the kitchen table.

Oh Nelly - you are a good human ... I mean elephant! I’ve just caught up and will post again later with better thoughts - just wanted to say, you are a good, dedicated friend.

It's another step in the right direction.

The joys of wooden furniture is that it's easy to sand and re-varnish to make it like new without too much trouble.

Thanks vandal - I feel like any future furniture restoration will be down to someone else (!) but at least the chairs are now in a state whereby that could happen.

And Nutty! - it was funny because I had only thought about you the evening before your post and realised you hadn't posted for a while. I hoped all was well after your vaccines and in general.