Please will you kindly support and advise me, as I try to help a friend sort out his home?

[EatingTheElephantInChunks]

Yesterday I started to try to help a friend sort out his home. If I tell you that it took me nearly 3 hours to clear a space on the bathroom floor about 3ft x 4ft, you will probably understand how things are. Today I did a little better. In about 2 hours I cleared another space the same size, which meant I could open a cupboard. Two shelves were almost empty, so I was able to clean those and use them for storage. I will carry on next time with the other 2 shelves and continue clearing the bathroom floor.

It was very satisfying to get rid of a whole binbag of rubbish yesterday and a half bag today, plus a bag and a half of recycling, and a small bag of confidential waste to shred. There is a folding storage crate of things to keep so far, but I'll go through that again to see if I've missed anything that should be thrown out or recycled.

My friend has got into this situation after many years of serious illness and close bereavements, has no family left and few friends, certainly not really close ones. He has been at the stage for several years where he doesn't have visitors. He needs many repairs and much decorating doing, and is getting to the stage where carers visiting would be helpful. I am hoping to get him to the stage where that will be possible. He is such a nice guy, and it's a shame that life has gradually got smaller and smaller for him over the years. It must be terribly lonely.

I feel honoured that he has trusted me with the truth of how things are. I can't talk to anyone IRL as I know it's essential to protect his privacy, and I have changed my username in case anyone makes the connections. I could do with some mumsnet wisdom and support! I have never felt such a sense of achievement over a bit of floorspace 3ft x 4ft, but equally the enormity of the task hit me.

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The author - writing under the pseudonym EatingTheElephantInChunks - claims and owns the copyright of all her posts dated on and after 14th August 2018 as her intellectual property and as a moral right and which are all her own individual and original work. Reproduction in whole or part or any other use is strictly prohibited without her prior written permission.

[Edited by MNHQ at posters request]

And this has been posted in the wrong section, sorry. Will ask for it to be moved

No worries, yes. Thank you for taking the trouble to get it deleted.

Thank you for such a kind post, Brazil. Your intentional or not 'mammoth' made me smile! I look a bit 'wooly' with the lockdown lack of a haircut and at times it feels like I've been at this since the mammoths roamed the earth - and perhaps I'll still be at it when they come back round again!

I'm pleased to report that bathroom is ok, relatively speaking of course! It needed some attention to bring it back again, but not too much: a few things to remove from the bath, some rubbish and recycling to take out, only a couple of more dreaded things and a general clean around. I still need to clear the windowsill - numerous empty hand wash bottles by the look of it! - and vacuum and wash the window - which looks damp and cobwebby after the winter - and empty and disinfect the bin. That's all on my to do list but I'm getting on with other things at the moment. That floor, however, is clear!

And Beery - thank you. Your elephant emoji took me back to the early days of the thread and inexplicably losing my elephant emojis. It's always nice when they pop up - sad, but true! I ate a very nice slice of chocolate cake on 'my tea break' yesterday afternoon in the sun in my friend's garden with him and my DC. Please don't despair about your house - you're certainly not alone and you're always welcome on this thread. I feel quite moved to read that it helps you in some small way - keep on chunking, whenever you feel able!

As for gin, I found myself quite fancying a G&T today - looked at the clock and it was only about 8am! In my defence, it already feels like lunchtime on this Bank Holiday Monday, having been up with a DC since 4.20am. I put the kettle on - again - but I was tempted!

Hello again Pash. I think your post is spot on and it has helped me not to worry these past few days, eating with my friend in the sunny garden and working on things that need doing outdoors, rather than getting on with the kitchen. It is frustrating because I had earmarked this week to really get on with it, especially as my family haven't gone away for Half Term as we usually would and hoped to do. On the days when I have unexpectedly needed to have a DC with me though, it just isn't possible to work indoors. I can watch them while they play in the garden and at the same time I have been able to sort out my friend's outdoor storage and his pond, which have been really bothering him and had become a bit of a health hazard and eyesore. After what has been a long, hard winter for everyone, mainly indoors in lockdown, and then an exceptionally wet May, it's been good to be outdoors in the warmth and sunshine. I will say in the fresh air too, discounting Eau de Putrid Pond and the most dreadful pong in the storage, which I feared must be a dead rat or something, but actually turned out to be decomposing wild bird food the rain and damp had got into over the winter! I need to get on now, but will try to reply more later. Thank you

Ele I made the error of emptying out a box of old broken up fence slats on Saturday that had been left out in the rain for rather a long time and oh my word who knew sodden wood could stink that badly! So you have my sympathy at manky bird food. Glad you're enjoying the sunshine.

Thank you @EatingTheElephantInChunks

I’m not yet where your friend started, but it’s getting worse and I don’t know where to start. Your chunking approach has really helped me! and stopped me from just setting fire to the place 😂

So a massive ‘thank you’, again, for being so kind, so inspiring, so non judgmental and so damn well brilliant!

I’m sad you lost your elephants, so here’s a few more just for you! 🐘🐘🐘

Sorry your trunk has been suffering too this weekend, Pash, but well done on doing that job! It would have been even worse indoors I suppose, but I really could not believe it was only wet and damp sunflower hearts causing such a stonking stink here. They're not cheap and were apparently the last of the bird seed, so it's a shame they had to go - but very glad to see the back of them! I've ordered some more but this time they're firmly going to be stored in a tin by the back door! My friend gets a lot of pleasure from feeding, watching and listening to the garden birds and other wildlife, especially now he has easier access out there and the garden is gradually shaping up again after the winter. I've gathered together the raisins and all the suet balls and blocks he had, and stored them properly and more accessibly too - and until they're used up, they're definitely off his weekly grocery delivery.

Well done for continuing

until they're used up, they're definitely off his weekly grocery delivery

Well done Nellie - and this is a really good point, when you get in a muddle and can't find what you already have, you can end up with so many duplicates (my cupboard under the sink can attest to that, many duplicated cleaning products and half a dozen half-rolls of bin bags when I recently sorted it!). Addressing what is coming in, and making what is already there accessible, is half the battle.

When my mum moved in with my stepdad, she found a mini hoard behind the sofa of dozens of carrier bags containing new packs of socks (nearly 100 pairs!), shaving foam and batteries. Turns out he would come back from the supermarket, unpack the shopping, and pop the bag of bits to go upstairs on the back of the sofa, where is would invariably slide down behind it. He'd then think, I must have forgotten the shaving foam / batteries / new socks again, and buy more!

You really are too kind, Beery, thank you. This journey so far has taught me that the bottom line is, it doesn't really matter where you start, as long as you do start, and then gradually keep going. Such a huge task is overwhelming, seen in the whole. While it's important not to get completely bogged down in the detail either, I've found that focusing on a chunk at a time, no matter how small - whether it's 'this four square feet', 'this drawer,' 'these three stairs,' 'this cooker top,' 'I'm going to fill this one bag with any rubbish and this one bag with any recycling I can see and take it outside' or 'for this one hour,' whatever - helps to reduce those feelings of it being so overwhelming that you don't start or you don't continue. It is all an achievement, moving forward in the right direction and therefore something to celebrate. I can promise you that a G&T tastes even better post-chunk!

Full disclosure - the 'just set light to it all!' has been mentioned more than once here. A pros and cons list has even been discussed but the cons had it. I suppose I'm saying you're not alone. I wouldn't wish my friend's situation on you, so please try to migrate in the opposite direction if you can? Thanks for the elephants.

Hello again, Step - nice to hear from you and thank you. I hope all's well with you

Thinking a little more about my reply to Beery, another aspect can be what is most important to do at this time, what will give the most or an immediate benefit? Working outdoors this week was a reluctant but pragmatic decision rather than my first choice, but it has had immediate benefits and I also hope these will last throughout the coming summer. As I enjoyed a post-chunks wind down G&T and sharing a few crisps with my friend in the garden in the late evening sunshine yesterday, I could see him quietly taking in the improved surroundings and relaxing - uncurling? - a little. Just getting him out of the house more into the fresh air, I hope, should increase his wellbeing a bit. There is also something in the normalcy of being able to share a little social time like that in his own garden with an old friend. I hope, in time, this aspect can grow for him and it won't just be me he feels comfortable with being there. I have a few more things to finish off out there today and there are things I will leave for another time I have to be outdoors, but he has somewhere to sit and relax or read, to eat. He's not looking out over bags of rubbish, recycling and various old containers of rainwater and leaves. The putrid pond is no more. His grocery storage is nearly all sorted out and I've made room so that his garden cushions, furniture covers and so on are out there properly stored and accessible, no longer adding to the kitchen mountains.

Doing all that, and having made the kitchen window presentable from the outside, means he now feels able to try to employ someone to come in and cut the grass and do some digging, weeding and pruning for him. That's definitely something I will be completely delegating again, you might all be pleased to know!

When I rang him this morning, he said he'd been outside early to feed and watch the birds while his morning cup of tea brewed. I had crushed up a few of the many suet balls for him to use until the seed order arrives. A tiny coal tit had been his first visitor, swiftly followed by sparrows, a chaffinch, blackbirds, a blue tit, a wood pigeon and a mouse. He watched swifts and a hawk soaring high overhead. He said it was all so easy - making a cup of tea, opening the back door, feeding the birds - and he didn't dread going out there anymore. That bit of simple pleasure and happiness, that lifting of a bit of his cloud, made it all worthwhile.

Take care everyone. I can hear more chunks calling.

That bit of simple pleasure and happiness, that lifting of a bit of his cloud, made it all worthwhile.

My respects to you for continuing with this work and making that possible for your friend.

[sorry, just something in my eye ...]

Thank you, Finally.

I also had a 'just something in my eye' moment this evening...

Hello again and thank you, Paws. I wonder if your stepfather identified as a centipede - all those socks?!

I was interested in your glut of cleaning products - the irony here, given how things are, is that my friend seems to have a serious glut of many things from his supermarket deliveries this last year or so, but cleaning products in particular. He hasn't panic-bought or stockpiled anything and didn't agree with people who bought more than their fair share or more than they needed. I think it has just gradually built up each week and, like you say, he had forgotten what he's got or couldn't find it and ordered more. I don't think he'll be needing bin bags, hand wash, anti-bacterial cleaning or hand wipes, kitchen roll and anti-bacterial spray, amongst other things like vitamins and tins of tuna, for some considerable time! I did wonder if there was any significance in the cleaning products though.

The sad thing is the amount of fresh food I have had to throw away and it was obvious from it that he has not been eating properly again recently. I am hoping, now his cooker top, 2 preparation sides, slow cooker and dishes are all clean and usable again, he can be outside more and can eat and even wash up out there, that his eating will improve once more. I started him off again with a slow cooker curry made with chicken and lots of vegetables last Friday, and we ate the leftovers together in the sunny garden on Saturday when I had my lunchbreak. It was so nice to be able to do that with him again.

I finally managed - trumpeting fanfare - to get back on with the kitchen yesterday afternoon and evening. While it felt good to have turned my back on the outside jobs of holding rotten bags of food at arms length, emptying gallons of stagnant water with an old plastic Celebrations tub, sifting decomposing leaves, checking for any wildlife in need of rescue - none, except sadly departed slugs and snails - and smelling like a swamp - glamourous it was not - I am back in the land of spiders and damp walls and floor...and holding rotting bags of food at arms length!

I was working my way along the outside wall from the back door, where the sink unit is, (underneath the window I previously clambered up to vacuum, clear and clean), the washing machine and towards the built in cupboards in the corner on the fireplace wall. Everything was piled up quite precariously to about head and shoulder height, with other things piled up on the large farmhouse table in the middle of the room, (underneath the new lightshade I had frivolously clambered up to install), leaning into them. Luckily it was dry outside and, still being very careful about my friend's privacy, I was able to take the boxes and bags outside very close to the house to sort. It was easier, much nicer and probably healthier to do it outside in the fresh air, space and sunlight.

By the time I called it a day in the dark at about 10.30pm, the large recycling bin was full, with three or four extra cardboard boxes full of recycling and the large food waste caddy full too. I've kept some more large and medium cardboard boxes to use to fill up with the next lot of recycling I'll no doubt find, as the council will take unlimited recycling as long as it isn't in plastic bags. There wasn't a lot of actual rubbish in this strip of kitchen, which at least made getting rid of it easy as it fitted into the bin.

I must admit that - so keen was I to break through and make it as far as the corner - I cheated a bit and left a difficult-looking bottom of the mound at the start and the also difficult-looking sink and drainer. I have cleared about 60% of the mountains on the table though, the top of the washing machine and the floor to ground level from half way along the sink unit and right along the strip into the corner cupboard on the fireplace wall. My friend was quite shocked - but thankfully pleased - to see me in that corner and said aghast, 'how did you get there?!'

I'm going to post this now before I lose it, as this old laptop keeps overheating and shutting down...

I love reading about your efforts. I can’t explain why but I think it’s all so human. Keep updating us Ele 🐘🐘🐘

Kitchen yesterday, part 2:

I didn't have the time and energy to deal with the original old cupboards, which are floor to ceiling and built into a fireplace alcove, but looking inside they are quite orderly but just full of very dusty and damp crockery, wine, spirits and...cleaning products again! I will need some advice about whether any of the wine and spirits will be drinkable or should all be thrown away, if anyone has any expertise in that area please? I know it will depend on what sort it all is, but it's probably been there for over twenty-five years.

The original old stone floor tiles are straight onto earth and, being covered up by stuff and not aired or cleaned for probably about seven years - guessing from receipts from 2013-15 and tins with an expiry of 2015 on top of the washer - they are incredibly damp. I think they will be ok once they have been cleaned and disinfected a few times and well-aired, but again if anyone has any knowledge of this sort of thing and can advise please, I would appreciate it.

Warning - we are back onto appliances again! Once wiped down, the washing machine looks pristine on the outside, is good quality and, when I turned it on at the socket and dial, lit up ok like a Christmas tree. The water is turned off at the inlet pipe, by the look of it down the very cobwebby back. That's where the good news ends unfortunately. Opening the door, which I wish I hadn't without a mask, the rubber seal looks very mouldy. It can't have been used for at least seven years and possibly longer. It is a shame as it looks new externally and must have been nearly new when it stopped being used. What is the verdict, people - or can you remind me please? - will it have seized up and rubber or plastic pipes deteriorated and leak, or is there any hope for it?

I was too tired even for a G&T last night and so just went home to eat, freshen up and to bed. In replying afterwards to a pp when I couldn't sleep for the heat, I said I too had had a 'just something in my eye' moment yesterday. I suppose it was in part realising that no one had walked on that part of the kitchen floor or been in that part of the kitchen for so long. Mainly it was finding an open packet of birthday balloons and a balloon pump on the top of the washing machine and thinking again how different things once were for my friend, what has been lost and what has been missing since from his life - even down to the practicalities of managing without a washing machine and sink.

I hope to do a few more hours later today and luckily the forecast is for dry weather for the next few days, which bodes well for getting things from the kitchen outside again.

Wish me luck and take care everyone

Thank you weasel - will do. Lovely to hear from you again and I hope all is well with you?

I think my cleaning products stash was a combination of good intentions, and not knowing what I had due to it being an unholy mess. This resulted in me buying more, as I didn't realise I had duplicates, which compounded the issue. I had a big sort out and have repurposed some plastic containers to help keep it tidier under there now.

I'm iffy about appliances as there was a fire in my first shared house caused by an old dishwasher. The pipe bringing in water failed, the machine ran dry & caught alight. Everyone was OK but the water & smoke damage was immense.
Personally I'd ditch the appliances and start fresh; our washing machine was about £220 three years ago, I ordered from the Co op and they have a service to remove & recycle old appliances.
I think I paid about £30 for removal & £30 for connection, and they took away & recycled all packaging etc too.

Newer appliances are likely to be far more eco friendly too, plus you can help your friend pick models that are easier to use and keep clean - for example, I have an induction hob which is super simple to wipe clean - no more scrubbing hob rings! When I eventually replace the oven, I'm looking at the selfcleaning models.

Wow Ele sounds like you really cracked on! 🐆 With regard to the alcohol I suspect none of it will be salvageable and honestly from everything you've said probably best just to dispose of it without mentioning it to your friend, if they've gone this long without then they won't miss it. The washing machine pipes are easy enough to replace, its the door seal that would worry me. Not sure how easy they are to replace.......
I would imagine the floor slabs will be fine once they've been aired and cleaned. You're doing an amazing job. The photo below might be handy for the floor, albeit a bit specialist! Keep chunking 🐘🐘

Congrats on the progress