Please will you kindly support and advise me, as I try to help a friend sort out his home?

[EatingTheElephantInChunks]

Yesterday I started to try to help a friend sort out his home. If I tell you that it took me nearly 3 hours to clear a space on the bathroom floor about 3ft x 4ft, you will probably understand how things are. Today I did a little better. In about 2 hours I cleared another space the same size, which meant I could open a cupboard. Two shelves were almost empty, so I was able to clean those and use them for storage. I will carry on next time with the other 2 shelves and continue clearing the bathroom floor.

It was very satisfying to get rid of a whole binbag of rubbish yesterday and a half bag today, plus a bag and a half of recycling, and a small bag of confidential waste to shred. There is a folding storage crate of things to keep so far, but I'll go through that again to see if I've missed anything that should be thrown out or recycled.

My friend has got into this situation after many years of serious illness and close bereavements, has no family left and few friends, certainly not really close ones. He has been at the stage for several years where he doesn't have visitors. He needs many repairs and much decorating doing, and is getting to the stage where carers visiting would be helpful. I am hoping to get him to the stage where that will be possible. He is such a nice guy, and it's a shame that life has gradually got smaller and smaller for him over the years. It must be terribly lonely.

I feel honoured that he has trusted me with the truth of how things are. I can't talk to anyone IRL as I know it's essential to protect his privacy, and I have changed my username in case anyone makes the connections. I could do with some mumsnet wisdom and support! I have never felt such a sense of achievement over a bit of floorspace 3ft x 4ft, but equally the enormity of the task hit me.

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The author - writing under the pseudonym EatingTheElephantInChunks - claims and owns the copyright of all her posts dated on and after 14th August 2018 as her intellectual property and as a moral right and which are all her own individual and original work. Reproduction in whole or part or any other use is strictly prohibited without her prior written permission.

[Edited by MNHQ at posters request]

Hello again Pash - great to hear from you too and a sincere thank you. I managed a few days away with my family in mid April - delayed from a cancelled February break - once travel and cottages opened up. The nights were very cold, clear and starry and the days dry and sunny. It was so good to get away and to be by the sea, and it felt very safe - no neighbours at all except wildlife, a supermarket delivery and a totally quiet location - so hopefully it did help a bit. The slight spring in my step from that, the commitment to helping my friend, together with the cats and dogs weather have all been carrying me forward - and the thought of the kind support from posters on this thread, too.

In Gin Fund news, I am on right now with the bedroom, re-clearing a corner of doom. After about 5 bags of laundry, rubbish, recycling, food - and finding quite a lot of important 'lost' things too - I hit floor level with only 7p in my clutches, unfortunately! Sunday night brought much better news - clearing another corner of doom in the kitchen by the back door, I actually unearthed an almost full bottle of gin and an almost in date bottle of tonic! I have to confess to washing down the dust and cobwebs with a long, refreshing glass while I packed away to finish late that night.

And how are you, Pash?

Thank you so much for posting cake - hello again! - it's good to hear from you. I really appreciate it and it's much needed. And how are you doing?

Wow Ele actual gin that'll do! . Doing pretty well here, off on hols in a week so looking forward to spending time inside another four walls. But right on the beach so keeping everything crossed for good weather and the chance to walk in the sunshine and enjoy ice cream etc. Last lockdown went surprisingly well for me (no idea why, was just more sanguine, possibly knowing we were heading into better weather and things would improve because of that if nothing else, may have helped). I've come up trumps as a friend who works in a charity shop has got the all clear for me to drop off all my boxes first thing on Friday! I'm very happy, the pile has been steadily building since this time last year and I managed to miss the window last summer too get rid of things. How is the kitchen situation, hoping it has remained neutral at the very least. Keep chunking

So glad you are still going strong 🐘

Nelly! I was thinking of you and stopped by to see updates, how great. And you hit the jackpot with actual gin

I guess as you’re re-chunking a d found so much to throw away or wash that things have been not so great for your friend. But it’s been a tough time for everyone, really.

Looking forward to hearing more.

How very nice to see two more old familiars turning up again - thank you and hello, weasel and Nutty!

I think 'going strong' is over-egging the pudding, weasel, but I am still going, or rather going again! Cake and gin is always needed and welcome, thank you, as you know! I still have emoji envy for your elephants after inexplicably losing mine long ago, so do keep posting them - the thread just wouldn't be the same without them! How are things going with you?

And Nutty - thanks for thinking of me. I know - bog-standard tonic but it's Sipsmith gin, so rather tasty, and it must be post-2009 when they were founded, which helps with my archeological dating of the kitchen door corner/dishwasher top areas! Actually, I've found receipts from 2014 and out of date vitamins from 2013 so it's possibly from around then.

How are things going in your world?

@EatingTheElephantInChunks

And Nutty - thanks for thinking of me. I know - bog-standard tonic but it's Sipsmith gin, so rather tasty, and it must be post-2009 when they were founded, which helps with my archeological dating of the kitchen door corner/dishwasher top areas! Actually, I've found receipts from 2014 and out of date vitamins from 2013 so it's possibly from around then.

How are things going in your world?

Well, when I thought of you I was seeking out MN distraction whilst lying in bed feeling sorry for myself with vaccine after-effects... but they’ve all gone now, just in time for the working week to begin

I spent some time recently chucking things ruthlessly at my parents’ house - surprising what lurks in even the most well-kept house after many years. As my DH pointed out, we have our own stuff to sort through (he said, looking pointedly at the garage) - but where’s the fun in that? Helping someone else declutter is much more satisfying

Let us know your progress so we can celebrate/commiserate as required. You n the meantime, more (too early for ).

Glad to hear you're chunking on

Hello vandal - good to hear from you again - and thank you. I hope all is ok in your world?

I was just thinking that the thread has only a quarter left and wishing that it was the same with the chunks! I feel that I have only consumed a baby elephant so far and there is an enormous bull elephant left, or rather a whole herd!

Disclaimer: Please note, no actual elephants have been consumed or harmed, only metaphorical ones.

Morning Nutty and thank you! I'm certainly drinking a lot of but not very much - especially, you'll be glad to know, at this time of the day! I had two glasses of wine at home last night and being so tired I had to be woken up, so it's probably a good thing to keep as a singular and refreshing post-chunk reward and dust/spider-buster!

Well done for having your vaccine and helping your parents

I hope you're well now after those side effects and it sounds like you need to point your DH in the direction of the garage, if he's looking pointedly at it

Just uncloaking (Star Trek reference) so say that I get a warm glow when I see this threadd active again in my watching list. I expect you have a fair number of lurkers like me willing you on and waving the Mumsnet pom poms as you carry on eating the chunks of that elephant.
Have a fabulous day.

And Pash, thank you - I was so glad to hear you've been doing ok. I've been thinking of you since your post and hoping you were having a lovely holiday and not too much rain?! It sounds ideal being right on the beach and well-deserved too - did your drop-off at the charity shop go ok?

Nothing here for the charity shop, just at the moment. Unfortunately 'remained neutral' didn't really apply to the areas of kitchen, bathroom, bedroom and so on I'd previously chunked. I've been having to go over them again so it is mainly recycling and rubbish to get rid of, with some dishes, laundry, recent purchases and so on to sort out. At least it's much easier to do when the build up is weeks or months-worth, not years or decades. Of course, being only human, it's hard not to feel a little frustrated and disappointed and I've been honest about that with my friend, or at least to some degree without wanting him to feel even more awful than he already does. On the whole I feel fairly pragmatic about the situation. These are exceptionally difficult times we have all been living in and this was probably always going to be a journey, not a destination, with my friend.

And not forgetting Paws! Thank you so much for your posts and for thinking of me despite the sound of silence. I need to catch up still on the thread from the end of last year and wondered what page it must have dropped to by April - well below the dreaded page 3?!

Hello and a warm welcome to fourq! It is always lovely when a lurker uncloaks, so to speak! I get the reference, having grown up with Star Trek and with one of my DCs a fan - and my friend is too, as it happens. I will keep your MN pompom-waving image in my head, for those especially tough times. Thank you

Hi Ele, I'm sat on holiday as I type listening to the wind howl around ur chalet and watching the waves pounding in the beach below (can't quite see the beach but the cliff edge is about 50m away!) it's a bit blowy here today . But we've been pretty lucky with the weather all told. The charity shop drop went like a dream and I've been told I'm welcome to drop another big load off anytime, so obviously I have quality junk 🤣. Watching things slide must be very frustrating, but like you say it is at least not back to square one. Have you tried to ask why they hoard or is that too big of a question? Here's to find more gin or less spiders...whichever you prefer.

Between this thread and watching Curiosity Inc on YouTube, my very small flat that I have been in danger of not being able to move about in very well I've managed to say goodbye to several bags of stuff and feel a lot better for it.

1vandal2 I was hooked on the work Curiosity Inc did with the lovely musician/fashionista's house.

He just did another this week

You paint a very good picture, Pash - I love being so close to the sea, even in bad weather. I'm glad to hear you're having a nice holiday and the charity drop off went so well. I think you need to get yourself a t-shirt or mug printed, with 'Quality Junk' on it, or at least have that as a future user name - I'm tempted by it myself! Well done - has it motivated you to do more, if there is more, or is that you done now? I'll answer the rest of your post soon - I just want to think on it, if that's ok.

And a huge well done to you too, vandal - it's quite a honour to think that this thread has helped you in some small way. Thank you for telling me that and sharing your brilliant progress - you are helping to motivate me and to keep my chin up too.

I hadn't heard of the YouTuber you mentioned but the person I admire is Jasmin Harman, who has done so much over the years to improve the understanding and recognition of this problem and - in many cases - condition. I admire the kind and respectful way she treats the people she tries to help and that she is doing it from lived, personal experience.

I really enjoyed Jasmin Harman's documentaries; she really seems to understand the mental health side of hoarding, as opposed to focus purely on before and after images.
It's an incredibly difficult situation when it becomes an unsafe environment; I previously did some MH care work and it was a particular concern with older or less mobile service users, due to trip hazards and fire risks.
I currently have a spare room of doom, plus a very full loft, I really need to tackle before they spill out into other areas. I do find it emotional at times; especially the clothes I should slim into but need to be realistic about, which makes me feel guilty for not working harder on myself.

I really agree with you about Jasmin's mental health focus in her documentaries, Paws. I have safety concerns for my friend too, to some extent. I feel a little better now I've got one external door to fully open wide, and I'm working on access to as many of the windows as possible and eventually another external door. I tell myself that every bag and then bin-full out must be increasing safety, although it's painfully slow at times - most of the time, in fact as regular readers know all too well.

Try not to be too hard on yourself, Paws - if the clothes are too difficult to tackle at the moment, which I can well understand, could you put those to one side and deal with something you'd find a little easier? Let us know how you get on with your spare room of doom and loathsome loft. Any progress is better than none, or so you all keep telling me!

The little things do make a difference. I managed to clamber and scramble up and over onto the kitchen window sill last time. I cleared the wide sill, which gave me something to stand on with my head pressed up against the ceiling - I'd sent the brave Henry hose on ahead as it was a mass of old webs and dead spiders for my hair to be mixing with. I had to vacuum the blind and window, they were so full of old webs and spiders - dead and alive! - too, and a multitude of old moths. When I finally got to clean the frame and glass, I found they were actually green and black with mould, dust and soot. It's amazing how much brighter it is in the kitchen, even with having to leave the blind down at the moment to maintain privacy, now that the glass is relatively clean and shiny. The motheaten blind badly needs replacing, but is serviceable for now. The windowsill has a lovely framed photo and a working lamp on it now, which allows a light to be turned on when entering via the back door, rather than crossing a dark kitchen to a switch. The ceiling light was a bare bulb and so, even though it hangs over huge mounds of stuff on the farmhouse table to clear, I mountaineered up there to vacuum and clean the light fitting, bulb and bit of ceiling and put up a smart new lightshade. It might seem silly doing that, when most below and around is still to be cleared, but it is another tiny chunk done, a little oasis of what I am aiming for, and it actually 'lifted' the room, if that makes sense? Let there be light?

This weekend was particularly frustrating, in that I'd earmarked it all from Friday afternoon onwards to really get on with the kitchen mainly, but for reasons outside my control it couldn't happen. I found myself feeling quite upset about it and worried that time is running out, one way or another.

I think perhaps Ele, you need to look at what you're doing as improving your friend's quality of life, rather than cleaning their house. By getting rid of built up dirt and debris, the air will certainly be cleaner and more sunlight is a good thing. You might not make as much physical difference as you would like, but I suspect your continued care makes a big psychological difference. Deeply frustrating nonetheless even if it feels like you might not achieve the big completely clean house goal your efforts will be making a better life for your friend on a day to day basis right now, although I have a suspicion you're feeling it isn't always appreciated. Are you getting some kick back now as it's been such a long process? Hugs

You’re a wonderful person/elephant Ele, I reread this thread for inspiration when I’m in despair at the state of my house, it always motivates me to do a little chunk and drink gin

🐘

You’re very kind and remind me of my mum. No matter how cross I ever got with her she would do things like this for people so I gave up complaining. She never took on such an absolutely mammoth task like you have.

The sound of the bathroom is unbelievable!

Please do take care of yourself OP.

Keep us updated and hopefully telling us about it will make it easier for you.